Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

You really do seem determined to make Jane's wedding all about you and your dramatics with Sally.

I'm trying not to be unkind because OP is obviously vulnerable and suffering, but I do agree with this.

If your priority really is no drama or pain on Jane's wedding day, the best thing you can do is go and just not look at Sally. She's made it clear she doesn't engage with you so you don't need to fear a confrontation.

I think you need to stop thinking about yourself. Tell her or don't tell her, I doubt she will be overly bothered. She'll probably expect it, won't she? But don't make a drama out of it, that's the main thing here.

I don't know what's for the best.

You won't want to hear it, but the best thing is to GO. It'll be a crucial step towards owning your condition and conquering it, it will completely nullify your dilemma over what excuse to give Jane, it will make Jane happy and keep the focus of her wedding on her....and it almost certainly won't be whatever fire and brimstone catastrophe you've imagined.

DexyMidnight
I suppose then we are back to sq 1 and i need to tell her before her wedding. That's selfish too and in my mind worse. It's a catch 22. I don't know what's for the best.

Getting hold of your issues and dealing with them in the appropriate manner and therapy instead of continuing the drama would be for the best.

I'm sorry, and we have all been incredibly gentle with you, but you're prepared to throw away a friendship rather than accept and deal with your own problems, and when people have suggested types of therapy etc you pretty much dismiss them all as not working for you.

Imagine how you would have felt if Jane hadn't come to your wedding and palmed you off with a flimsy excuse.

i agree with ShutYoFace - I imagine she'll be expecting it. You might even give her a sense of relief as I suspect she'd be concerned about some drama if you both attend.

Just call her this week, tell her the truth and move on.

I'd then prioritise getting some help as the mental state you describe must be debilitating at times and you clearly need help.

I think you can tell her that you are too poorly on the day but not give details and then at a later date just say sorry I couldn’t come because I had a mental health set back or such.

She doesn’t need to know it was wedding related or Sally related. By saying it was it could leave her feeling like it’s her fault for inviting you both or just leave her special day a little tainted.

This Sally issue is your internal battle so you need to deal with it yourself. And you’ll get there. You just need to find a therapy that clicks x

I'm not going and have confirmed this with the MoB so need to stick with that decision rather than flip flop. I've made my peace with the decision and now need to hope Jane will forgive me.

Rachie as explained above i am looking into the new options people have suggested.

@Middle i think what you've suggested is a really good way to handle it. Thank you again for all the advice

You only told MoB this morning...you can reverse that decision if you want to. If she's being so clandestine about it, she probably hasn't said anything to Jane yet.

Thank you Yorrick but i think some of the responses (i am selfish and trying to spoil a friend's wedding) have affirmed that not everyone will understand my reasons for feeling the way i do. I truly feel its best for all that i steer clear and let her enjoy her day. I won't change my mind but thank you

Unless Jane lives in a cave completely detached from the world and she's never met the Op I'm fairly sure she knows exactly what's coming. Op there's no doubt your mh is genuine issue here but you're writing the script of my mother's behaviour throughout my life. The need to create drama where it is not needed is draining for everyone. June's wedding is not about you. You are not a needy child. Either put on your best face and go to support your friend or decline the invitation with the truth. There's no need for attention seeking lies and fabrication. If you don't feel well enough to manage a basic social interaction then don't go. The very fact that you've already scripted how you intend to behave should be indicator enough tgat maybe you should sit this one out. You clearly have insight in to your behaviour, you have no excuse to go to this wedding and focus attention on yourself.

My husband's ex went to the wedding of his brother, and sobbed all the way through it because she thought it should have been her and my husband (they'd split up over a year ago at this point, and I was newly on the scene and therefore not invited out of deference to the ex's feelings). Years later my SIL told me how much she regretted inviting her to the wedding, it became all about the ex and how terrible everything was.

She didn't make a massive drama, but sat and cried into her meal all the way through and obviously the family tried to comfort her.

Long winded way of saying you've made the right decision. If you think you're going to cry all the way through then just don't go. It will ruin Jane's day and make Sally absolutely 100% convinced she was right to cut you out of her life.

It is hard to know whether you're being reasonable or not without knowing the details. However, you do need to work out how to move on from this. Have you tried life coaching? It teaches you how to deal with situations, rather than examining the reasons why you're feeling the way you are.

Worth a try, in any case if the counselling isn't working for you.

I must admit I think I would be a bit jaded by your reaction by now if I were both Jane and Sally. It happened 3 years ago, and Sally is able to put things to one side for the sake of Jane and be civil. I know MH problems are really hard to deal with, but this doesn't sound like a MH problem per se, more your inablity to cope with Sally's rejection.

There are people all the way through life that hurt us, intentionally or not. I had a really good friend who cut me out of her life 10 years ago, and I still don't know why. If we were both invited to a social occasion I'd welcome the opportunity to try and mend bridges. However, if that didn't happen I have moved on to the point that I think "well, it's her loss".

OP, I'm sorry (for your sake) to agree with everyone else, but you do indeed seem determined that it will come out, one way or another - and preferably without looking too bad on you - that you are staying away from the wedding because of Sally, so that you can demonstrate/remind Jane (and perhaps others?) of how much pain this situation is continuing to cause you.

You remind me of myself at 17 - in a not completely dissimilar situation with one friend who frankly was fed up of my tears and drama and another who wanted to maintain a friendship with both of it but ended up (and I can't blame her really) going the less complicated way. I had reasons to do with some very difficult shit in my life for being like that, but the shit wasn't the friends' fault (and the fed-up friend was far from being a perfect person but I can't give her the main responsibility over this) and neither should they have felt obliged to put up with it. if the decision Sally made was one that was difficult for her in any way (my money is on the abortion scenario a couple of PPs have talked about), then you crying over it, in her home, all weekend and seemingly unable to stop to the extent that she and her dp went out and left you alone must have been utterly awful for her. It would have been an excruciating situation even without any difficulty around the decision on Sally's part. I remember well how heartbreaking it was for me when my 'Sally' made it clear she couldn't cope with me any more - it really did feel as if the world had ended and I just wanted her to see and notice how badly hurt I was - but it seems you've got stuck in that phase. Three years down the line I was in a very different place and able to see my 'Sally' without any drama on either side. You seem somehow to have a need to perpetuate this and to draw attention to it. The thing is, I know only too well the thought process of 'why can't they just be kind to me?'*, but nobody has a right to expect people to respond in a particular way due to the depth of their own feelings. There's clearly something unacknowledged desperate to be heard here, but it's very hard for any of us to advise as you won't talk about what it is.

(*I and I think pretty much all other PPs really are trying to be)

Well just choose the path of least possible drama from this stage on. Claiming sickness then getting in contact later to be dramatic is not the path of least possible drama.

When making your decision, ask yourself what would cause Jane the least additional pain, not what you've made peace with in yourself.

She's not going to keep this from her daughter. She'll tell her and her fiancé and the rest of her family probably and they'll all roll their eyes and think what a bloody drama queen you are. Then they'll probably be quite relieved you're not going. I'm sorry to be so blunt but that's what will happen.

For you to then fake an illness on the day makes you look absurd.

For you to then "reveal" all this to the bride after her wedding (when she knew all along) makes you look thoroughly unhinged. It is also not what a bride just back from her honeymoon wants to talk about. It's monumentally selfish and self-involved. You are suffering, I get that, but you can't drag these people into your psychosis. When you are well, you will look back at cringe.

Just text Jane and say you've spoken to her mum about not being able to make the wedding and say you're very sorry, you're not in a good place right now but are working on getting better and wish her well for her wedding.

Then leave them all alone.

I think a lot of posters just do not understand mental health conditions.

The OP cannot just ‘get over it’ and go, she will cry all day if she goes. She knows this, therefore isn’t going.

She phoned the brides mother to tell her and for help in how best to deal with it, the brides mother has asked her not to tell the bride.

None of this is attention seeking. It is the OP trying her hardest to deal with the cards she has been dealt - her own mental health issues and inability yet to find the correct therapy to recover from this illness

It’s like asking her to just get up and walk on a broken leg because it’ll be upsetting to someone else if she doesn’t walk.

You've made up your mind OP, so be it. I hope Jane is understanding and you take some of the good advice offered on this thread.

When I got married a few years ago, I had a "friend" who initially said they weren't sure if they'd be able to come to the wedding because of relationship/anxiety issues and I was of course sympathetic. Once they made up their mind (at the last minute) they said they couldn't come because they'd just got back together with their partner after a break, and they needed to spend time together. Err...this made no sense because partner was invited too...so I took the hint and never replied to her email.
Because if the shoe was on the other foot, I would absolutely have made an effort to be there regardless. Because I valued the friendship and thought they did too. Needless to say I heard nothing from the "friend" for a few years afterwards, until recently when they randomly contacted me yabbering on about their own drama (not asking how I am naturally!). I sent a polite reply then blocked them.

It's not exactly the same I know, but please don't be that person, Dexy.

I think a lot of posters just do not understand mental health conditions.

Pretty much every poster on here has depression and anxiety at a bare minimum, so I think we do.

However, a lot of conditions do respond to the right treatment and the right approach from the patient. I know it's not easy, I know it's not a straight upward gradient and I know it absolutely fucking sucks.

We all realise that OP is suffering and I think we've all been exceptionally gentle. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who's also starting to see why three years of this kind of behaviour might see people off.

Now that OP has decided not to go, the question is what to tell Jane that will cause her the least pain. Illness or not, OP's focus doesn't seem at any point to be on Jane, so I don't think people are being unkind to remind her that Jane's feelings are what she should be prioritising.

To use your example, I can sympathise with someone having a broken leg but I don't need to offer piggyback rides everywhere.

Hi op, had you already rsvpd to the invite? If it’s still to go back then I would just be honest with Jane about why you’re not going-I’m sure she will be disappointed but ok with it.

If you have rsvpd yes, and have had that conversation with bride’s mum, then I think you need to find out what she’s planning to do. There’s no way Jane won’t notice 2 names removed from table plan at this stage.

The invite was from bride's parents. We rsvp'd some time ago.

I think i agree with Empire and Middle it is best to be honest about it being about MH without bringing Sally into it.

I am not clear why anyone thinks my goal is not to settle this in the way that is least upsetting / dramatic for the bride. But nevermind. Thank you for all the advice.

Ok, so you have declined to sender of invite which is good-hopefully they may be able to use the space then.

I would definitely tell Jane too, just say you’ve let her mum know and these are reasons why. Tell her soon, send card and present on the day (wouldn’t do bar tab thing) and it will be ok. Your relationship with Jane may be strained for a while but will hopefully recover. She may be half expecting it tbh.

Present already wrapped and will definitely send card as well of course. Fingers crossed. Thanks Bear

OP if I've read this correctly you have only sent Sally brief texts since this falling out. If you feel able to it might be helpful to write her a letter? At the very least you might find it cathartic, at best you might even be able to get back on speaking terms. Just a thought. You could even try writing her a letter that you won't necessarily send.

I think you have to expect that this will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back with Jane. Her wedding is very important to her and you’re refusing to go because you fell out with someone years ago. She probably thinks you’d have made more of an effort to be with her.

I am not clear why anyone thinks my goal is not to settle this in the way that is least upsetting / dramatic for the bride. But nevermind. Thank you for all the advice

Because you are coming up with ways to make it more dramatic and upsetting, I expect.