To be so disappointed about a birthday cake

[Mrsknackered]

DP has cocked up my birthday every year so far, and last year I had enough (that was the 4th birthday with him and a landmark birthday) and told him that following birthdays, I expect a card from the kids, a cake of some sort and ideally some time spent together.

Last year he bought me a watch. I had pointed out a watch I liked a few months earlier, big plain face and slender leather strap and what I received was a monster of a watch with the face completely encrusted with crystals from an expensive designer. He was so sure I'd love it that I just accepted it and take it off as soon as he goes to work.

This year he paid for me to get some new jeans, we went for dinner last night and it was really lovely. DS did me a card, etc. My actual birthday is today, so we had cake today. Here comes the bratty part. My goodness, the cake was hideous. Bright blue hard icing with a strange white motif on top and a pink icing rose. It was also cake that I dislike, and I've mentioned this so many times in his presence because everyone thinks it's weird that I don't like it.

I'm secretly well its a little obvious a bit peeved and it's not because of the fucking cake, just the fact that he clearly, STILL has absolutely no idea of what I like and/or just doesn't take any notice. He's called me ungrateful, and said I'd be fuming if it was vice versa but I'd never buy him something he's specifically said he doesn't like or that ugly

Maybe he let your son choose the cake?

Stop being so spoilt and ungrateful.

YANBU.

I get it OP. My ex never bothered to learn a single thing about..... well, about me! I went about 4 birthdays in a row with no present and he couldn't even be bothered to learn the most basic things about my preferences, eg. Let's say I detested onions and mentioned it frequently, he would use onions every time he cooked. Dickhead.

Anyway, I'd say he needs a good talking to OP!

If men are so useless they can’t remember a couple of dates how have they managed to be in charge of nearly everything and own nearly everything in the world? It’s bollocks.

And that, exactly, is it.

DH is pretty crap regarding my birthday. I've had petrol station flowers and shitty cards, awful chocolates, scarves I wouldn't be seen dead in.

But he makes up for it it many other ways. He's very hardworking, helps around the house, is very generous and kind, loyal and loving, glosses over my faults, is a brilliant father and so much more.

So I can forgive the lack of thought one day a year.

As a side note my best friend keeps buying me chocolate cake. I hate chocolate cake (I know, IABVVU) and we've talked about it a lot. She just can't seem to understand that I don't love it. Surely EVERYONE loves it...

So it's not just men, and it's not just partners. Sometimes cake is difficult.

Let's not start blaming cake now.

You sound like you don't really like him and you're nit picking at everything he's done.

Ok so he didn't go and get you the jeans - I personally prefer to pick out clothes myself so I know they'll fit well.
Maybe he thought you'd appreciate that more than him not having any idea and it not fitting well, you'd just complain about that as well really wouldn't you?

The blue cake, it sounds like a standard cake to me, pick off the icing and it's good to go!

It sounds trivial to be peeved over, and you should totally reciprocate his efforts, I bet he'll show more gratitude than you ever realised.

This always goes badly on MN. There is a huge difference between people who have the best of intentions but are a bit crap at gifts and people who passive-aggressively ruin other people's birthdays as a consistent strategy.

Having read more of what MrsKnackered has to say further on in the thread, it would appear that she simply doesn't like Mr Knackered - as it seems he has been 'a twat' on several occasions.

I think it would be nice to hear some of his positive points now, to balance things out a bit..

Ooh hello MrKnackered!

Oh for fucks sakes. I'm not going to list all of his redeeming qualities.

He was a twat on my last birthday. I spent it on my own with a newborn and was very upset because he fucked up, that qualifies as a twat. Hence why I told him what I 'expect' because I wasn't willing to put up with it another year. Marked improvement this year, must admit

Reading some of the replies I don't understand why people expect so little of their male partners. YANBU, it's your birthday, they can cock up Christmas with the excuse they had so many other people to get gifts for that they couldn't concentrate on your gift, but your birthday? My partner knows exactly what I like and what I don't like and the same vice versa. I've never received a gift I've cringed at and he knows the exact M&S red velvet cake I want him to get without asking and I know to take him somewhere that does his favourite bbq ribs for his birthday dinner. Maybe we're set in our ways but I'll even send him a few ideas of what I want for my birthday. The same with my mum, she's gotten me a pair of vans 6 years in a row now because she knows it takes me just under a year to wear through them (wearing everyday). He gets me cacti or succulents instead of flowers because he knows I hate getting things that die/are easy to kill and I'll renew his sky sports subscription for another year with the same condition he doesn't watch it past 8pm or when we have guests over. We're not a romantic couple, we don't do 'date nights' as we can't afford it but the bare minimum we expect of each other is to get the little things we like (the right type of milk, brand of teabag). Your partner doesn't sound like he knows you at all. He actually reminds me of when my then-11 year old brother bought a cheesecake for my birthday when I was in my teens - I'm lactose intolerant but it was his favourite cake, the rest of the family tease him to this day for being so self centred. These are the kind of things that you pick up about people (my aunt likes carrot cake, my mum and gran both hate chocolate cake). Especially if he's been with you for 4 years, he should know your style/tastes by now.

It's ONE day. If he's a twat on every other day then yes there's something to complain about but if not then you are coming across as ridiculous OP.

@bastardkitty

He'd be horrified if on his birthday there was no present, no cake, no card. OR I bank transferred him money to go buy jeans and left him to sort out a restaurant because I left it all too last minute.

Then I suggest that you tell him that from on, you will treat his b’day the same way than he did yours.
Transfer some money for him to go and buy clothes, by him a cake he doesn’t like so he can’t eat it and mess the restaurant so he has to organise it himself.....
Tell you will do that next time and watch him going paler as he can see that happening.
With a bit of luck, telling him that will bring the point back home and he will get it. Or he won’t and he will get a taste of his medicine.

I don't think you are coming across as ridiculous OP

Great I suspect there is much more than the b’day though.
Who leaves the mother of their newborn baby in their own on their b’day for example?

Who leaves the mother of their newborn baby in their own on their b’day for example?

Really? What as opposed to leaving them alone any other day?

I too have suffered from cake disappointment, I was at a wedding 11 years ago and there was no cake. That really happened.

But I don't think this is about the cake at all. You are going to have to free yourself of the anger that you are carrying towards him or no cake will ever be good enough again. Good luck and happy birthday!

It genuinely makes me sad reading these threads for how many women think they'd be utterly unreasonable to want to be spoiled for one day, and think the word 'expect' is a sin. Even the ones that are being really mean about it.

There's something very wrong in a relationship if the only day you're spoiled is your birthday.

Seems so strange to me that partners don't know when their DP's birthdays are or what they like! I'd be annoyed if someone got me a cake I didn't like and couldn't enjoy. The watch would really annoy me as he clearly hasn't even looked at what you wear now.

Op, I’d be annoyed about this too. My dh only has to worry about my birthday, I sort out everyone else’s. his, the 3 dc, his family, my family, our friends, the kids friends. The same at Christmas. If he can’t get my birthday gift and cake and my Christmas presents right, when I get everyone else’s right then it’s a pretty poor show tbh.

I hear you, OP. It's not about the cake, really. It's about the fact that he hasnt' bothered to listen and internalise the fact that you really don't like this cake. Or he has, but he doesn't care, which is no better.

It's thoughtless and dismissive at best

You sound like a spoilt brat.

It’s my birthday next week and I won’t be getting anything. Am I bothered? Not really because I’m not a child.

This is such a rude, bullshit response.
Bully for you, birthdays don't matter to you. Everyone is not you

Solipsistic much? Not everyone is the same. Imagine that. And it doesn't make them 'spolt', 'childish', 'hard work' or any of the other belittling nasty comments made over this thread.

A partner who takes the time to remember what you like is someone who actually cares about you. Someone who perpetually can't be bothered is selfish and self-absorbed. Caring about what your partner likes and dislikes is normal.