To be so disappointed about a birthday cake

[Mrsknackered]

DP has cocked up my birthday every year so far, and last year I had enough (that was the 4th birthday with him and a landmark birthday) and told him that following birthdays, I expect a card from the kids, a cake of some sort and ideally some time spent together.

Last year he bought me a watch. I had pointed out a watch I liked a few months earlier, big plain face and slender leather strap and what I received was a monster of a watch with the face completely encrusted with crystals from an expensive designer. He was so sure I'd love it that I just accepted it and take it off as soon as he goes to work.

This year he paid for me to get some new jeans, we went for dinner last night and it was really lovely. DS did me a card, etc. My actual birthday is today, so we had cake today. Here comes the bratty part. My goodness, the cake was hideous. Bright blue hard icing with a strange white motif on top and a pink icing rose. It was also cake that I dislike, and I've mentioned this so many times in his presence because everyone thinks it's weird that I don't like it.

I'm secretly well its a little obvious a bit peeved and it's not because of the fucking cake, just the fact that he clearly, STILL has absolutely no idea of what I like and/or just doesn't take any notice. He's called me ungrateful, and said I'd be fuming if it was vice versa but I'd never buy him something he's specifically said he doesn't like or that ugly

How is it childish or ungrateful to not like something? Do we have to like everything and be grateful for it even when it's clearly been given no thought at all? How is that a good sign in a relationship?
The fish example given above is a good one. This is essentially the same thing - he's cooked you fish for your birthday dinner even though he knows you don't like it, but you should be happy that he's cooked anything at all? Ffs.

No, OP, you are not being unreasonable. Tell him that you expect him to put a little thought into what he gets you for your birthday, as you do for him. It's not actually that hard - you live together, presumably you know each other reasonably well, you must have some things in common...it's not like he's trying to guess what to get my second aunt twice removed for her birthday, is it?

Dammit your night not you're night-crushing to direct a grammatical error at my first insulter! The Shame!

I know what you mean. I wouldn't buy my OH a fruit cake because I know he doesn't like it. He routinely buys stuff as a treat for us both that I don't like. He should know damn well that I don't like them by now because I've told him enough times in 10 years. He either doesn't or doesn't care.

One of the nails in the coffinof previous marriage was a bar of Galaxy... Together 8 years and exh knew I only ate Cadbury and had a hatred for Galaxy.
Came home once with a humongous bar and presented it to me. "I don't like Galaxy"
"I know but I thought you might fancy some"
He either didn't know me or didn't care. Either way we were fucked .

Oh bloody hell. I want to eat cake now

I can’t stand fruitcake of any description and I can say if DP had got me a fruitcake style birthday cake back when we’d been together a full four years, I’d be pretty pissed off with him for not being interested in my likes and dislikes.

XmasinTintagel. I guess some people could say that taking cakes into work on your birthday sounds a bit attention seeking. Does everyone have to know its your birthday? Its only special to you.....

Well for one the fact that one person isn’t into b’days doesn’t exclude them from making any effort for the person they profess to love.

So anyone who is saying ‘I’m not good at b’days. They just dint interest me’ is taking the mick.

As for not knowing what sort of cake you dint one, when you’ve made it very clear before and it’s ‘unusual’, messing the booking of the restaurant so that you have to do it. And going to buy your own jeans... It looks like he just doesn’t want to make any effort at all for something that is important for you.

I used to think it was people being disorganised, not knowing, finding it hard etc etc. Now I think it’s a sign of complete disrespect. And one that I’m not ready to accept p.

It's the fact he hasn't made the effort. That's all l ever wanted my ex to do... make an effort to show me that l was loved and wanted. I wasn't though and that is even more apparent now he treats the OW to stuff that l would have loved. So he did know how too...he just didn't want too

I don't known any adults who demand a cake for their birthday, cakes are for children and weddings.

Can you not just buy the things you want yourself as an adult? All this hinting and demands are childish. Does it really matter who books the restaurant?

why did you not tell him beforehand what cake you liked 😂😂😂
Ooh, I wonder why she didn't! 🤔

Why not read the op properly?!

I don’t think YABU, but some people are just really, really useless at gift giving. Unless he’s similarly inconsiderate in other ways I’d just chalk this up to different talents.
Check out the idea of five love languages People express themselves in different ways and when you understand where someone is coming from, it can make stuff like this less hurtful.

Life is pretty mundane and can be crap a lot of the time. Others is nothing wrong with wanting a wee bit of joy. Christmas and birthdays can bring that (for me Definitely Christmas).

Yellow we have cake for b’days here. For the dcs, me and h, my parents and my PIL.
Wanting à cake wouldn’t look out of place at all.

But the most important thing is that The OP is Seeing a cake as something important. It’s her b’day so surely her preferrences should be taken into account rather than someone else imposing theirs on her (which is exactely what happens when someone says ‘cakes are only for children, you’re not ‘allowed’ to have a cake for your b’day.)

I actually suspect that the OP would have been happy with no cake of their DH has shown some Care into choosing the resent and booking the restaurant. Which he didn’t anyway.

I dislike birthdays and think they're pointless, as does my husband luckily, but YANBU.

It's nothing to do with you expecting to be "spoilt" on your birthday as some have suggested - it's the fact that your DH clearly hasn't paid attention to your likes and preferences and that would upset me too in your position.

Not everyone cares about birthdays - my family don't.

So, OP has to tell her partner to get something from the kids. He buys her stuff she doesn’t like despite being told year after year and she’s supposed to be grateful? Fuck that. How depressing to have such low expectations of your partner.

He doesn’t ask her, he gets what he likes. Because he can’t be bothered to even think about what she might like.

OP YANBU to be miffed.

And PS, cakes aren’t just for children and weddings they are for birthdays. And you know what? If he hadn’t got a cake then fine. But doing something to pay lip service to her birthday while simultaneously buying the one thing she doesn’t like? Either petty arsehole or someone who gives less than a shit about his partner and more of a shit about appearances to others.

to be fair i would like ANY cake. even though i dont eat chocolate/lemon/fruit. because you get the joy of singing and blowing the candles out. the be fair once my DDs have demanded to blow out the candles too, and spat all over the damn thing in the process, i dont eat it anyway! so any cake is fine :). not that i get one, because he realise's i dont eat multiple childrens spit so its pointless.

Of course YANBU - he has half-arsed the one day a year when he should be putting you before himself.

I can tell I'm hormonal because I'm feeling seriously sad at all these posters who think they aren't allowed to enjoy their birthdays or to expect the person they chose to share their life with to bother to remember their basic likes and dislikes.

If you're an adult then yabu. If you're under 21, then welcome to being a grown up. The world doesnt revolve around you even on your birthday. It sounds like your dp has tried his best. Its the thought that counts.

God, all those saying the OP should be grateful must have really shit imaginary partners. It's basically some cash, and a cake he knows she doesn't like. You mugs would be grateful for that? I feel more sorry for you than for the OP!

Jamhandprints
It is the thought that counts but there was no thought!!

Agree with jamhand. It’s the thought that counts. You’ve been with him 4 yrs and he can’t be arsed to remember what you like, even though you’ve told him, or remember what you don’t like even though it’s clear. He can’t arrange a restaurant booking for you, or buy you a present. Erm. What “thought” would that be? No thought at all. YANBU OP. I would be v pissed off. We should not have to be satisfied or grateful for any rubbish or half arsed attempts. You are worth more. Tell him.

Maybe you get it wrong every year and he is so polite he pretends he is thrilled. I am always doubtful when people say they always make an effort and get it right because if you are giving it to someone polite you really won't know they don't like it.

So your H buys you a cake that he knows you HATE and you’re supposed to be grateful?

Fuck that! Of course you’ve got every right to be pissed of OP.

My Dh did something similar for my 30th. I told him, calmly, how pissed off I was that he had put so little effort into it. He’s never done it since!