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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed about a birthday cake

226 replies

Mrsknackered · 04/02/2018 17:45

DP has cocked up my birthday every year so far, and last year I had enough (that was the 4th birthday with him and a landmark birthday) and told him that following birthdays, I expect a card from the kids, a cake of some sort and ideally some time spent together.

Last year he bought me a watch. I had pointed out a watch I liked a few months earlier, big plain face and slender leather strap and what I received was a monster of a watch with the face completely encrusted with crystals from an expensive designer. He was so sure I'd love it that I just accepted it and take it off as soon as he goes to work.

This year he paid for me to get some new jeans, we went for dinner last night and it was really lovely. DS did me a card, etc. My actual birthday is today, so we had cake today. Here comes the bratty part. My goodness, the cake was hideous. Bright blue hard icing with a strange white motif on top and a pink icing rose. It was also cake that I dislike, and I've mentioned this so many times in his presence because everyone thinks it's weird that I don't like it.

I'm secretly well its a little obvious a bit peeved and it's not because of the fucking cake, just the fact that he clearly, STILL has absolutely no idea of what I like and/or just doesn't take any notice. He's called me ungrateful, and said I'd be fuming if it was vice versa but I'd never buy him something he's specifically said he doesn't like or that ugly

OP posts:
Unihorn · 04/02/2018 21:46

SheGotBetteDavisEyes
The only things I want are nice cards from him and DC.
So if you didn't get those nice cards would you be disappointed? The OP has fairly high expectations for her birthday by some people's standards (including mine as I don't really acknowledge my birthdays) but surely her partner should be aware of this after 4 years and make a bit more of an effort.

wilts09 · 04/02/2018 21:47

@Unihorn you have a great username

MiserableAsSin · 04/02/2018 21:49

I was prepared to say Yabu but it seems a bit off to buy someone a cake specifically for them in a flavour you know they hate so yan actually being u at all

NutElla5x · 04/02/2018 21:52

Well Valerrie then I must concede that you are indeed the perfect person......maybe you could marry MrsKnackered : )

Valerrie · 04/02/2018 21:54

I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I just make an effort to make those I care about happy for their special day. It only comes round once a year and birthdays are important to our family. It really isn't hard to ask what someone would like, choose a thoughtful card to their taste and know what cake they enjoy.

Lmsm · 04/02/2018 21:59

I haven't had a cake bought for me since I was 10! Hmm

80sMum · 04/02/2018 22:24

Valerrie "Sorry, but that does come across as very childlike, to me"

"Why? Because you do it differently?"

Well, yes - of course! Surely that's obvious? I have a different way of doing things, so when adults talk about birthdays in the same way that a child might, it seems childlike, to me. Isn't that what I said?! It doesn't make your way" wrong" it's just very different from my way - and very surprising to me.

I'm sorry if my comment caused offence; it was not my intention. I specifically chose to use the word "childlike" rather than "childish", as I think the latter has a different meaning from what I was trying to convey.

Snacktimonious · 04/02/2018 22:30

I've been married 30 years and I'm sure dh has no idea of what sort of cake I like. It's a bit niche isn't it? I mean, he knows I don't like kippers or mussels but that's mainly because they're his favourite food and he's amazed that I don't like them. That makes him remember. But when it comes down to chocolate,lemon drizzle or fruit, he wouldn't have a clue. Nor do I expect him to. I don't think we've ever discussed, in 30 years, cake flavour preferences. If we had, and then forgotten, neither of us would be miffed. It's just cake. You can blow out the candles and let somebody else eat it
This is surely about more than cake.

Original poster
Mrsknackered · 04/02/2018 22:32

Well considering that I'm the same age as most of my friends who are currently at university, and get cake and presents when they arrive home to their parents, id say no, I'm not too old for a birthday cake.

Sadly, my parents can't make my birthday and if they could, they'd bring me a cake and make me feel like I was important to them.

I don't think 'expecting' anything is wrong. He'd screwed up 4 birthdays (and not just simple mistakes, being a total twat) and I said that for me to be happy and feel appreciated, I'd like him to do all of the above and yes, I do expect it because all year round my expectations are pretty low. I support him mentally, physically, whatever. On one shitty cold day in February, I'd like to think that he spent 10 mins longer considering what cake I'd actually like.

He'd be horrified if on his birthday there was no present, no cake, no card. OR I bank transferred him money to go buy jeans and left him to sort out a restaurant because I left it all too last minute.

I don't think he was being malicious, he wasn't. But it's thoughtless.

OP posts:
Snacktimonious · 04/02/2018 22:35

Oh yes it's about jeans as well. Op wanted jeans so surely she had to buy them herself because she'd have to try them on. I know I have to.

TalkinBoutWhat · 04/02/2018 22:35

He'd be horrified? So do it. Teach him a lesson that he will learn no other way.

But do buy him a cake, one that you love and he hates should do the trick nicely.

Valerrie · 04/02/2018 22:36

Fair enough, 80smum. Everyone does things differently and that's absolutely their prerogative.

I just don't get the horror on Mumsnet about adults that celebrate birthdays. Just walk into a card shop and see the array of banners, balloons, candles, cards, paper, mugs etc with ages up to 100 on them.

It's not even that, it's the real animosity from some posters that have to be nasty to those who choose to celebrate and enjoy their birthdays. It's not weird and it's only on Mumsnet that I've ever come across people who think it is.

bertiesgal · 04/02/2018 22:53

Valerrie

I think you misunderstand. I feel no animosity towards those who like to celebrate their birthday-they're choice.

However, spending the entire day miserable because it didn't meet your expectations-that's utterly pointless in my view.

From the looks of it, OP has bigger issues going on in her relationship.

Celebrate whatever you want but don't spend the entire day miserable because your expectations were out of line with reality.

I'm just bloody grateful to be alive (especially now my 4 gorgeous but noisy children are safely fast asleep in their beds Star).

Each to their own but "nasty@ is name calling, something I'm sure you'd never do Wink

GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 23:00

because your expectations were out of line with reality

OPs expectations aren't high! She wanted a gift and a card and a cake - one that she could actually enjoy!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 04/02/2018 23:00

I'm with you OP. Even when he's tried to make an effort it's not quite right as it's still all your own effort and he hasn't even listened to what kind of cake you like. (Assuming its the difference between sponge/fruit/etc)

It took a long time for DP to bloody do anything for my birthday even though he knew it was hurting my feelings. But he does buy me something completely random each time now. I love this because it is not something I have had to ask for, buy myself or think of. He has gone and done all of it himself. Cost doesn't matter, it's the thought of it. (Have had everything from cashmere socks to a desk tidy.)

bertiesgal · 04/02/2018 23:06

She got dinner, a card and a cake but they didn't meet her expectations.

So much anger on this thread.

If DH spent his birthday in a strop despite the amazing life we have together I'd wonder where we'd gone wrong.

GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 23:15

If DH spent his birthday in a strop despite the amazing life we have together I'd wonder where we'd gone wrong

Maybe because you bunged him £20 to 'get himself something nice' brought a cake he didn't like the taste of and asked him to book a restaurant'

Maybe, just maybe OP would like DH to do some 'thinking' all on his own? And not expect her to deal with her own birthday again?

OP please return the favour

HandbagKrabby · 04/02/2018 23:18

I think I live in a parallel universe. Everyone I know gets a cake, cards and presents on their birthday, everyone. And those presents and cards and cake are generally thoughtful and bought/ made to please the birthday person.

Colleagues I’ve worked with for a couple of months have put more effort into choosing things they thought I would like than ops life partner. It’s not ok to treat the people you are supposed to love poorly because society says men can’t remember birthdays or fucking cake preferences. If men are so useless they can’t remember a couple of dates how have they managed to be in charge of nearly everything and own nearly everything in the world? It’s bollocks.

80sMum · 05/02/2018 02:48

"If men are so useless they can’t remember a couple of dates how have they managed to be in charge of nearly everything and own nearly everything in the world?"

^That, my dear HandbagKrabby, is indeed one of life's greatest mysteries! Grin

DarthNigel · 05/02/2018 06:53

If I buy my dp a birthday present I think about it for ages, worry about what to get him, think what he likes and doesn't...I want him to like what I get him and enjoy his birthday. I make effort because I love him and want him to feel appreciated.
I wouldn't go out and get him
Something I know fine well he doesn't like or chuck him some cash and tell him to get his own. Because that wouldn't be very nice would it? I wouldn't be showing him anything other than that I coukdnt be arsed to think about it for more than a minute. And I certainly wouldn't expect him to be grateful towards me if that's what I had done...
YANBU op...

XmasInTintagel · 05/02/2018 07:24

So, has anyone ever had someone buy themjeans as a gift, without trying them on, and did they fit? I just think for that part he was being logical.

Snacktimonious · 05/02/2018 07:44

So, has anyone ever had someone buy themjeans as a gift, without trying them on

My friend's dh bought her some jeans for Christmas.
She couldn't get them past her knees.
He'd bought the size she told him she was, in the brand that she prefers. She threw them at him and burst into tears.

Some folks are just high maintenance.

saladdays66 · 05/02/2018 07:48

all year round my expectations are pretty low.
Do you mean you don't expect much, or do you don't get much from your dh? If the latter, and your relationship is unsatisfactory all year, it's not going to magically be good on your bday...

He'd be horrified if on his birthday there was no present, no cake, no card.
Then that's what to do n his next bday. put in exactly the same amount of effort as he did for yours. See how he likes it.

Valerrie · 05/02/2018 08:12

nasty is name calling, something I'm sure you'd never do

I've seen a thread about this before. Things got really nasty.

BrownTurkey · 05/02/2018 08:16

Expect more all year OP. And maybe facilitate him less if it is not respected and reciprocated. The cake doesn't matter, but your feelings do.

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