To be so disappointed about a birthday cake

[Mrsknackered]

DP has cocked up my birthday every year so far, and last year I had enough (that was the 4th birthday with him and a landmark birthday) and told him that following birthdays, I expect a card from the kids, a cake of some sort and ideally some time spent together.

Last year he bought me a watch. I had pointed out a watch I liked a few months earlier, big plain face and slender leather strap and what I received was a monster of a watch with the face completely encrusted with crystals from an expensive designer. He was so sure I'd love it that I just accepted it and take it off as soon as he goes to work.

This year he paid for me to get some new jeans, we went for dinner last night and it was really lovely. DS did me a card, etc. My actual birthday is today, so we had cake today. Here comes the bratty part. My goodness, the cake was hideous. Bright blue hard icing with a strange white motif on top and a pink icing rose. It was also cake that I dislike, and I've mentioned this so many times in his presence because everyone thinks it's weird that I don't like it.

I'm secretly well its a little obvious a bit peeved and it's not because of the fucking cake, just the fact that he clearly, STILL has absolutely no idea of what I like and/or just doesn't take any notice. He's called me ungrateful, and said I'd be fuming if it was vice versa but I'd never buy him something he's specifically said he doesn't like or that ugly

I don't think you're a spoilt brat op - this is about your dh not listening to you not the gifts themselves. It makes you feel unappreciated and like they just don't give a shit.
We just want our partner, on one day of the year, to put some effort into making us feel special.
I was pissed off at Christmas after receiving a pair of boots from a certain shop - he got the shop right but completely the wrong boots (even after I'd shown them him in the shop and told him the name of them). I then had to return them in the new year to find they cost half the price of the ones I actually wanted so had to shell out the other £80 myself. I also asked for some Chanel perfume and got a cheapo one which I believe he'd bought from tkmaxx.
After I'd spent two months arranging the perfect effing Christmas for us all done all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, present buying (including for his family) and generally making everything wonderful I'd at least hoped he could get the one thing he had to do (buy my present) right.
WRONG!
As you can probably tell I'm still harbouring resentment over this - and all the other birthdays/Christmases of crap presents!

I'd be annoyed too.

Your dc would be annoyed if you bought something they didn't like, probably DH a little too. He hadn't really used much mental energy here has he? I'd make a list of generic things that you all like in the family & construct a reference guide-he clearly needs it. E.g. Mum's favourite meal/cake/fruit/chocolate bar/restaurant/day out. May be annoying but should stop you having to get pissed off next year!!

Ah yes what a doormat.... he fucked up and OP had to sort the restaurant herself,threw some money at her to buy her own gift, and out of all the possible cakes he got the one flavour she doesn't like.
Poor poor downtrodden husband.

Aren't you a bit old for a birthday cake?

Bloody hell.

Op, no, Yabu. your adult partner of four years should be able to remember what kind of cakes you do and don’t like. And what kind of watches.

Nobody is ever too old for a birthday cake.

Poor poor downtrodden husband

pull the other one! Or is it because he’s a bloke - poor menz, he made a thoughtless, half arsed attempt but at least he tried. Should be grateful he managed to even remember it was her birthday, he may have had more important, manly stuff to be thinking of. I mean silly blokes don’t usually get these types of things, just because a wife goes to an effort over his/the kids birthdays doesn’t mean he can do the same! Bet the op has to remember his family’s birthdays and Xmas presents as well otherwise he puts in the same amount of effort. Because him putting in actual effort into getting things people like and want makes him ‘downtrodden’.

Aren't you a bit old for a birthday cake?

Shit, I'd better cancel the one I just ordered for my Aunt's 80th.

Or not, because I'm normal and live in a world where birthday cakes exist for everyone, not just those under the age of 10.

The amount of people that think OP is spoilt,ungrateful and what not is directly proportional with the amount of people that get fuck all attention for their birthdays or have ridiculously low standards

Well, you're completely wrong, obviously.

What a bizarre thing to say.

Sorry that was directed at Cuban8, I’d be embarrassed if my sons grew up thinking it was ok to be thoughtless, half arse things and then expect gratitude for it.

I just did a joke test on dh to see if he knew what I wanted for my birthday. It took him 10 minutes to get to him spending time with the dds making a cake and a card... It took him so many guesses, I'm now getting a day off, breakfast in bed, coffee, chocolate, flowers and a shopping trip hahaha I won't actually expect any of that but they don't get many chances to do things together so I will push him to make a card and a cake because the girls will love doing it with him and we all get cake at the end... Everyone is happy! Laughter is the best gift you can give and listening to dh trying to make a cake with the girls is utterly hysterical, last year still makes me chuckle now, a years worth of laughter for next to no money!!

@EdmundCleverClogs not downtrodden a doormat apparently.

Because you know, spending some tome and effort on someone you supposedly love makes you a doormat.

If my DH behaved like this because I'd bought/made the Wrong Sort of Cake, I'd be fairly pissed off with him and find it fairly pathetic.

There'll be hundreds of these threads post-Valentines Day, and a split between, 'of course he should have bought you an amazing present, hun' and 'get a grip, it's one bloody day.'

If you have a happy, equal, mutually rewarding and respectful relationship, then The Wrong Sort of Cake and the Wrong Flowers and the Shite Restaurant Choice just do not matter one jot.

If you don't have that kind of relationship, then - in my view - it's probably sensible and productive to address the actual issues as they arise or as they develop into an issue. Otherwise, you run the risk of having strops and tantrums over cakes and cards, because those things suddenly become barometers of the whole relationship.

Acid test = expect vs appreciate

Applies to life in general. I think the Dalai Lama said that 🤪

If you have a happy, equal, mutually rewarding and respectful relationship, then The Wrong Sort of Cake and the Wrong Flowers and the Shite Restaurant Choice just do not matter one jot

I have this type of relationship and I disagree. Part of the fact that our relationship is happy, equal, mutually rewarding and respectful is that my DH knows what my tastes are and if he was unsure, would make the effort to find out, not just buy something or arrange something that risked me hating it.

He knows what cake I like, he knows I'm a coeliac and what I can and can't eat, he knows I wouldn't like yellow icing, he knows my favourite flowers and the type of thing I like to do on my birthday, because he respects me and he cares about me.

I discussed this with DH and his response was

"what on earth is going on in that relationship that the OP feels under appreciated because of a bloody cake?".

I have to agree, there's obviously something bigger going on-hope you get it sorted.

Incidentally blue icing sounds like something willy wonka would invent-want!

"what on earth is going on in that relationship......."

OP expects innit.....

I am not the least bit " hun " but I get birthday cards from my parents, my partner my best friends and a couple of old friends. I wouldn't say that it's unusual to celebrate an adult birthday.
I don't see the point of Valentines Day in a relationship. It's still about an anonymous card or bunch of flowers in my mind.
Christmas presents for adults are by discussion.

I don't see that the Op celebrating her birthday is the point. The point is her other half keeps fucking it up. If he said " let's not bother" that's one thing. Buying cake she won't like is just mean,

I have this type of relationship and I disagree. Part of the fact that our relationship is happy, equal, mutually rewarding and respectful is that my DH knows what my tastes are and if he was unsure, would make the effort to find out, not just buy something or arrange something that risked me hating it

I guess my point is that if you do have this sort of relationship, then it won't be rocked by The Wrong Sort of Cake. Sometimes, clearly, giving appropriate/perfect gifts and so on is part of what makes it that kind of relationship.

Neither me or DH set much store by how the other performs/what they buy on Birthdays or Christmas or whatever. It has close to zero importance to me - the only things I want are nice cards from him and DC. It's how my DH behaves, respects, loves and treats me on the other 364 days that I judge him on!

Cuban8. You can teach your children more than one thing you know.

Shit, I'd better cancel the one I just ordered for my Aunt's 80th.

Or not, because I'm normal and live in a world where birthday cakes exist for everyone, not just those under the age of 10.

Bloody hell Valerrie calm down love, it's only fucking cake!
And please don't cancel your Aunt's one,because after all it is her 80th, and I doubt you are taking her out for dinner and buying her pressies too.Let's just hope she likes the cake you get her and doesn't come moaning on here about it ay.

Ah, the electric babysitter argument.

Do you run after your child's bike when they're riding round the street? Or follow them when they're out playing with their friends, wanting to join in with their games? What about when they read a book or draw a picture? Do you hover over them, commenting constantly on their activity?

Whoops, wrong thread!

I will not calm down over cake. Cake is a very serious matter indeed.

Yes, I am actually taking her for a meal and have bought her presents too, because it's her birthday. She'll like the cake, because I care enough to know her preferences

I get what you're saying OP. It's more about not being listened to than about the cake.

My mum always buys me a pink, flowery birthday card. No matter how many times during the year I stress that I hate pink, flowery things.

It's nice that she buys me a card, and I know she loves me to bits, so why does she still do this?

Well so wouldn't give a hoot about the cake - blue or not.

As for having to buy my own jeans !!! I would be livid. That's not really a present is it - a pair of jeans you buy yourself??