To be so disappointed about a birthday cake

[Mrsknackered]

DP has cocked up my birthday every year so far, and last year I had enough (that was the 4th birthday with him and a landmark birthday) and told him that following birthdays, I expect a card from the kids, a cake of some sort and ideally some time spent together.

Last year he bought me a watch. I had pointed out a watch I liked a few months earlier, big plain face and slender leather strap and what I received was a monster of a watch with the face completely encrusted with crystals from an expensive designer. He was so sure I'd love it that I just accepted it and take it off as soon as he goes to work.

This year he paid for me to get some new jeans, we went for dinner last night and it was really lovely. DS did me a card, etc. My actual birthday is today, so we had cake today. Here comes the bratty part. My goodness, the cake was hideous. Bright blue hard icing with a strange white motif on top and a pink icing rose. It was also cake that I dislike, and I've mentioned this so many times in his presence because everyone thinks it's weird that I don't like it.

I'm secretly well its a little obvious a bit peeved and it's not because of the fucking cake, just the fact that he clearly, STILL has absolutely no idea of what I like and/or just doesn't take any notice. He's called me ungrateful, and said I'd be fuming if it was vice versa but I'd never buy him something he's specifically said he doesn't like or that ugly

YANBU OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. My ex bought me stuff like expensive jewellery and ugly watches for birthdays and Xmas. I don't ever wear jewellery and I hate big gaudy sparkly things. I felt like he didn't care about what I actually like and just bought something because "girls like jewellery". Hence he is now an ex. My husband bought me a science magazine subscription for Xmas - he knows what I like

It's not the cake, it's the fact that he doesn't care enough to listen to you. And that's simply not on in a relationship.

I’m sorry but you sound very hard to please. I think you’re being very unreasonable and pretty spoilt, unless you’re only 5 years old?

You lost me at "I expect". YABU.

No you are NOT being unreasonable. Unless your DH has a learning disability then yes he should know your likes and preferences by now and yes he should be able to buy you a frigging cake that, you like, in fact he should know what your favourite is! I might let the watch thing go as maybe he thought he was “upscaling” the watch you wanted to something even better?? But as for the rest, it’s an appalling lack of care or consideration or any form of effort.

My DP knows what my favorite cake is, would book both a restaurant he knows I would love and the babysitter (we don’t need one but that’s not the point!) and chooses gifts with care based on what he knows about me and what he’s observed while being out with me. This does not make him some sort of hero....this is a basic minimum requirement of a normal functioning human being ...

I think it’s difficult to receive so little in return when you do so much for everyone else.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect your partner to listen to you and try and make one day a year nice for you.

I’ll bet my bottom dollar the OP makes an effort to do that for him, and probably not just on his birthday. Which is probably why she feels hard done by.

Mine is the same. Last birthday he folded a piece of paper in half and write on it .
He just can't be arsed making an effort for my birthday

I don't understand why people are saying you are being unreasonable when you don't even get a decent birthday unless you arrange it yourself.

It's one of those things husbands apparently get excused for for cocking up every year, as if they can't learn from previous years, or if figuring out what kind of birthday their wife wants is just too much bloody work.

It's weird.

You are not being unreasonable. He's your partner, has been for 4 years, had a few practice runs and should know by now what your tastes are on these mundane things like cake, jewellery and presents.

It's not about the cake.

It is about the fact her DP doesn't take time to notice what she does or doesn't like, and he doesn't seem to care enough about her to bother to do things properly for her, even on her birthday.

DH rang me the other day,setting up some security for a new account.Question.What colour are my eyes?Seriously I said what colour are my eyes.We've been together 30 +years.What colour do you think they are I asked.Mm brown he answered.Well my eyes are not remotely brown.I just laughed. Typical I thought.And yes sometimes he's got presents spot on,usually because I give really specific hints /instructions ,but other times he's bought something so not to my taste I've wondered if he even knows me.When it comes to shopping he's like a rabbit in the headlights.
However he's kind,generous ,hugs me loads,is a brilliant father, has always seen when I'm tired and frazzled and stepped up to help or take over.And is fabulously patient with my very frail,elderly and often exasperating mum amongst many other good qualities.So agree with other poster who said how does he treat you generally otherwise ?I can understand the disappointment in the watch,but I would have said honestly but nicely I can't wear it ,its just not my type,and asked if we could go together and return it and choose another.But the cake -really - that does make you sound rather spoilt.

Give it a few more years. He probably won’t improve much but you will get used to it.

Seriously, is there something actually wrong with choosing your own cake and getting your favourite rather than leaving it to someone who is well meaning but a bit hopeless?

Pretending you like a gift is also asking for trouble. My dh latches onto gift ideas and brands so I have to be clear. He now knows that Jo Malone is good. He’s never in 33 years bought me a cake.

Just quizzed DH on my cake preferences: 10 out of 10 but I don't think that's particularly remarkable.

Oh my goodness some people on here are mean!

I'd be really annoyed if my DP got me something he knew I hated - just a bit thoughtless isn't it.

I think in general though some men can be a bit dim when it comes to presents x

I'm just amazed that any adult makes such a fuss of birthdays! We were out Christmas shopping a few years back and in Waterstones I pointed to a book and said If you're planning to buy me a book, I don't want that one. He always complains that he never knows what to buy me. On Christmas day I unwrapped what was obviously a book and it was the one I'd pointed to. When I reminded him of the conversation his reaction was Oh, I remember you mentioned it!

My husband doesn’t listen to me, makes very little effort and makes me feel under appreciated, AIBU?

MN: yes you are you child.

And they say this place has gone downhill with posters only going for the jugular instead of reading the OPs properly.

Mrsknackered, not being listened to over the simplest things can be incredibly frustrating. It seems petty from the outside but it’s mentally draining when it goes on for years. You need to talk to him when you’re both calm, and explain how hurtful it is when he doesn’t listen.

I'm also amazed an adult creates this much fuss over a birthday

I'm just amazed that any adult makes such a fuss of birthdays!

Some people like birthdays, some people don't. OP obviously does, there's nothing wrong with that.

What is wrong, is that her ADULT partner of FOUR years apparently just cannot be arsed to remember (or even make a note of!) her preferences.

I've been with my DH for nearly 30 years and he's never got me a birthday cake in all that time. If I wanted cake I had to make/buy it myself! I'd judt be grateful for any cake at all.

This is Mumsnet. Thou shalt not expect to be spoilt on your birthday.

However, I don't subscribe to this. A pair of jeans and a gopping cake that he knew you'd hate? Rubbish.

I think it’s not so much about your birthday more the fact he’s not listening to you, to be honest I’d be a bit pissey as well.

I don’t know what to suggest as its not like you haven’t told him how you feel. I remember when my children were young my Dh use to buy one birthday card and this really annoyed me as I said to him I’ve got two children not one, luckily he actually listens to me and didn’t do it again.

Sounds childish but possibly play him at his own game and buy him something hideous and maybe a pain sponge cake and see what his reaction is.

Oh some of you are just deliberately spiteful!

So, for example, you don't like fish - of any sort.

It's your birthday and your partner cooks you dinner. It's salmon.

Well, he's cooked dinner so you have to be grateful.

Do you buggery! You don't like it, you've never liked it and you don't have to be bloody grateful for it!

(I'd have given him the watch back too as it happens)

You're a MIL from hell in the making

Was it marzipan?

I'd be extremely fucking unimpressed if DP bought me something I hated for my birthday.

How hard is it just to buy you something you might actually like?

Where did he buy it from?