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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the waitress was out of order and fat shaming?

277 replies

LondonHerbivore32 · 04/02/2018 11:22

Yesterday I went out with a friend for tapas. I'm vegan, my friend isn't.

My friend ordered several plates of fish/meat (some deep fried), a salad and patatas bravas for us to share.

I started to order, asking for a pepper and aubergine stew, a spinach dish, some bread for my friend and I to share and a salad. At that point the waitress raises her eyebrow and says 'two salads?' I explained that I can't eat the one my friend has chosen due to the egg in the dressing and then ask for a portion of fried aubergines.

As I ask for the aubergines, the waitress gives me horrified look and makes a big show of counting down the list of dishes we've ordered. She then emphatically says 'enough!' as she gets to the end of the order, while giving me the most disgusted look.

I explain that I'm vegan, so cannot eat any of what my friend ordered and therefore need to order for myself. The waitress, tries to argue with me about how many dishes I need and I point out that my friend ordered one more item than me and she didn't comment then. Plus, the vegetable dishes at the restaurant in question aren't particularly large portions.

The waitress stomps off in a huff. Later, I hear her taking a massive order from the table behind me without comment.

My friend is very thin and the couple on the table behind me were also rather skinny. I'm size 16/18 depending where I shop and 5' 10" tall, so not small by any means.

I suspect I was publicly fat shamed. What do you reckon?

OP posts:
FullSet · 04/02/2018 15:11

Yes I would have thought so MaisyPops. Also taking vanity sizing into account, for example I'm a 10 here in Spain, sometimes 12 but in the UK I easily fit in a 6.
I was just curious because some pp's said about it being average.
Only curious, I'm not making anything of it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2018 15:12

EastMids, thanks for the patient explanation - that does kind of make sense. I've only had tapas once. It was a business lunch. He ordered all the dishes - and ate most of the them too. I was talking (too much). You snooze, you lose apparently...

I seem to remember little terracotta plates about the size of a plant pot 'plate'? Each plate had two or perhaps three 'things' on it, presumably each was a 'portion'.

OP's waitress could and should have kept quiet once the vegan explanation had been given. Anything else is just rude. I can't understand why waiting staff would be anything other than hospitable as that's just counterproductive.

MaisyPops · 04/02/2018 15:12

Bluntness100
Exactly. Maybe it's just me but if I couldn't share tapas with someone then I would get half the normal amount for 2 people rather than order 2 people's worth for me abd 2 people's worth for friend.

The central issue in this thread is '2 people went for tapas (a sharing cuisine) knowing they couldn't share so instead of having 2 people's worth of food between them and not sharing, they ordered closer to 4 people's amount of food and then when a waitress tries to help one person decidesnit is fat shaming'

WazFlimFlam · 04/02/2018 15:16

OP you are getting quite defensive about your veganism but tapas does sound like an odd choice for two friends, one of whom is a bit of an inconsiderate carnivore and the other a vegan who doesn't really seem to understand tapas.

I think the question nobody has asked (including OP) is why did the friend order so much non-vegan friendly food? When she knew she was at a tapas restaurant with a vegan?!

FullSet · 04/02/2018 15:16

Yes, I think MaisyPops has it.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/02/2018 15:17

Anyone else craving tapas?

AddictedtoSnickers · 04/02/2018 15:18

It's simple. She thought your friend was ordering the dishes to share. 6 dishes is about right for 2 people, at least to begin with. Then when you started adding more and more and more she got taken aback by how many dishes you were both having and commented clumsily that you wouldn't need more. All the stuff about being vegan and needing separate dishes is a red herring. They aren't individual portions of things, they are double or triple....to share. So in that case, order 3 things each. She was wrong if her tone was patronising but it is awful to over order and leave loads of uneaten food. I bet if you had ordered first, then your friend, her reaction would have been the same. Nothing to do with being a size 16 at all.

MaisyPops · 04/02/2018 15:20

Thanks fullset. I think this poster does too:
tapas does sound like an odd choice for two friends, one of whom is a bit of an inconsiderate carnivore and the other a vegan who doesn't really seem to understand tapas.

All a bit 2 people make poor dining choice. Blame the waitress for it.

TryAgainAndAgain · 04/02/2018 15:20

I suspect it wasn't fat shaming but more that she was irritable. The fact she counted down ALL the dishes and then said 'enough' shows it was the total number of dishes and not just yours. Then it sounds like everyone was irritable. She should have been more professional though. TBH I would just ignore it. 💁🏻

FullSet · 04/02/2018 15:25

It does sound like a very poor dining choice given the people eating.

BetseyTrotwood · 04/02/2018 15:35

I'm craving tapas Middle. But that won't sit well because apparently I don't eat, dont'cha know. Not being bitchy, because it could well have come across to OP as a judgement but I think the waitress was probably ratty and impatient and probably from Spain.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 15:38

I'd also think Maisie pops has explained it.

I suspect the op is sensitive about her weight, so has assumed this is the reason, when in reality they ordered four peoples worth of food for two of them in a venue that was just for picky bits.

Op I would say if you want a full meal and you're with someone who you can't share with, maybe have a couple of bits at a tapas restaurant and then go elsewhere for the main course. Any tapas restaurant you go to, if you order this much food for two the staff will say the same. Albeit maybe more tolerantly.

BookHelpPlease · 04/02/2018 15:51

YABU and obviously have an issue with your weight. You are totally over thinking it. Size 16 at 5'10 sounds pretty "normal"- not skinny but certainly not large enough to disgust a waitress. She must see a lot of people larger than you. You sound an average size for the UK. Not fat enough to make people stare or anything.

Maybe she'd just had a complaint about not explaining how much food to order to another table.Theres two of you and you ordered what sounds normal for about 4. I'm not sure how that's all fit on a two person table. Normally with tapas you add to the order as you're eating rather than order tons to start with.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/02/2018 15:51

BetseyTrotwood I’ll share with you or get our own! As long as you don’t stick a used fork in any share items I’m happy!

Gabilan · 04/02/2018 16:49

Thin privilege. If you’re thin you won’t be judged no matter how much
you eat

Oh you are, you really are. "You'll get fat if you eat that". "Why are you doing dry January, you don't need to lose weight". "You don't deserve to be thin, the amount you eat". "It's OK for you, you can eat what you like and not get fat".

You're judged and commented on all the fucking time. The difference may be that many of the comments stem from jealousy, because thinness is perceived to be more desirable, but the judgement and sense that a woman's body is public property to be commented on? That's all there.

MichaelBendfaster · 04/02/2018 16:58

Gabilan, God yes. Apart from the dry January one (I don't drink), I've had to put up with people saying those things, and endless tedious variations on them, and more, for fucking years.

Gabilan · 04/02/2018 17:53

Michael the dry January one was particularly odd, and sad. Really, there are many reasons to cut or reduce your alcohol intake. Losing weight might be one of them, but why assume it's the ONLY one.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/02/2018 18:12

Yes I've had a couple of comments from people; "I could be thin like you, I just enjoy life too much and enjoy food" I suppose inferring that I'm miserably chewing on lettuce at home or something. Grin

expatinscotland · 04/02/2018 18:13

'Have the posters saying the waitress was rude, eaten in tapas restaurants?
They're not like normal restaurants; the waitresses are there to guide you on the right amount to order.'

Why would it go to waste? They can take the leftovers home with them. Because, well, they are buying the food. The servers may be there to guide but not tell someone they're ordering too much or too little food, make comments on them or judgements. Because ultimately, they are severing adults who can decide for themselves and will be paying the bill.

I get this when ordering a steak. I don't want it blue. I don't give a fuck how cooking it well affects the taste, I am buying the fucking steak and paying the staff there to cook it how I like and serve it to me, because they are in the business of preparing food for their customers and serving it to them.

MaisyPops · 04/02/2018 18:15

Yes I've had a couple of comments from people; "I could be thin like you, I just enjoy life too much and enjoy food" I suppose inferring that I'm miserably chewing on lettuce at home or something
I hate that!
Usually as I'm tucking into my triple carb meal whilst they are chatting about whether they will/won't do slimming world... but obviously that's for them to feel fabulous and not because they have an issue with their weight

EastMidsMummy · 04/02/2018 19:34

They can take the leftovers home with them

But it’s all a bit joyless shlepping stuff home in a doggie bag, isn’t it?

How about just ordering what you want? There’s no need to reinvent Spanish tapas culture. They’ve worked it out to be a really nice experience. They’re pretty civilised, the Spanish.

lljkk · 04/02/2018 19:39

OP isn't that fat. Okay, maybe a bit, but size 16-18 at 5'10" is pretty ordinary fat now. A huge number of women are about that fat.

If OP said she was size 22 I'd consider the "I can read her mind and am sure the only reason she acted that way had to be my body size" allegation. But not at size 16-18. OP is just too ordinary sized.

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/02/2018 19:40

A doggie bag isn't joyless at all. It means you get to enjoy the rest for lunch the next day.

I take leftovers from around 50-75% of restaurant meals that I eat because portions are usually far too large. Believe me, leftover curry or pizza for lunch at work is very far from joyless.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/02/2018 19:44

Me taking a doggy bag home would be crap because if I ever do leave any I would have ensured I ate the best bits.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2018 19:50

But it’s all a bit joyless shlepping stuff home in a doggie bag, isn’t it?

What's wrong with simply carrying it?