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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother in law going in my bedroom

188 replies

madwifenewlife · 03/02/2018 21:09

Ok not sure if I'm being unreasonable to be bothered by this, or if it is a bit odd. We moved house a couple of months ago so been trying to get it sorted out. It's taking time as needs some work and was left in a state.

But every time my in laws come round mil will nip to the loo, and then just let her self into my bedroom for a look! My husband found her in there the second to last time, and today I had stuff in the landing as was moving my daughters room round and blocked my room on purpose. She just started climbing over bits making her way to my bedroom! I said oh don't go in there it's a right mess! But she still went in. I just find it a bit odd now to just keep going in there, we have been here a bit so it's not changed or been decorated yet! I feel like getting a massive dildo and putting it on the bed or something next time they pop round just to put her off doing it again lol. Anyway would this bother anyone else or am I being silly?

Also my bedroom is no where near the bathroom she doesn't need to walk past it as my stairs split off at the top, and my landing is quite long each way, so bathroom is a different end to my bedroom.

OP posts:
FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 03/02/2018 23:25

I get on amazing with my in laws been with my husband since 15. The reason we get I great is because she isn't over bearing she hasn't been in my room since she last cleaned the blind when we moved in 8 years ago. What's the need to go in anyones room uninvited. i did offer her to see when we decorated last year but she had lung cancer. Was unsteady on her feet and didn't like the stairs. She is fine now thankfully but isnt bothered about venturing upstairs.

CupcakeWithIcing · 03/02/2018 23:33

Really rude, what on earth does she want to be in your bedroom for? Having a nosey at the kitchen/living room is different, I have never in my life heard of a visitor waltzing around your bedroom without permissionConfused

Seriously not okay unless it a 'hi MIL, come and have a look at the new set of drawers I bought, do you think the curtains match the blinds etc etc'

If that was my MIL I would genuinely be annoyed at her. And I'd probably put rope on the bed along with some handcuffs to make her feel as uncomfortable as I would be having my DH's mum snooping in the boudoirGrin

BMW6 · 03/02/2018 23:35

Oh you could have soooo much fun with this!
Blow up sex doll on bed? Booklet on living in Australia in prominent position? Book titled "is my mil a psychopath"? Poster on wall facing door saying "Get Out you nosy fucker"?

Failingat40 · 03/02/2018 23:36

My god you need boundaries!

My MIL was the same.

Mine even took it upon herself to go in our bedroom, strip our bed and wash the bed sheets!! 😱 I was mortified! Sex stains and period marks are not something I ever thought I'd have to share with my husbands bloody mother!!

BMW6 · 03/02/2018 23:36

Or a poster saying "would you like to watch us shag too?"

madwifenewlife · 03/02/2018 23:47

Maybe when I put the kettle on il say are we having this down stairs or would you prefer to take it in the bedroom haha! Grin

OP posts:
gryffen · 04/02/2018 00:06

Jesus and I thought my MIL was bad (apparently she comes with being married to her son!)

Next time she comes into loo follow her and stand infront of the bedroom door and skoosh her with water if she tries anything.

Tell her you know what water does to most witches! )o(

(Melting mother in law)

buttfacedmiscreant · 04/02/2018 00:13

Next time DH initiates (assuming you both do) sex bring the subject up then. "it makes me uncomfortable when your mother is in here. I can't stop thinking about it, it is unnerving, especially when I asked her not to and she still does"

wonder if he will care more then?

buttfacedmiscreant · 04/02/2018 00:16

..this is a problem you have with your DH, you are upset about something and he either hasn't noticed or hasn't tackled it. He needs to talk to his mum about it, even if he was brought up to not to. They are both adults now and she needs to be respectful in your house.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 00:19

My stepmum goes through my drawers.
I never invite her round.
This seems to be a thing with mils

babyccinoo · 04/02/2018 00:30

My mum got new doors for her upstairs and they have lovely shiny new locks, I love them.

RaySwan · 04/02/2018 00:33

My mother does this and more. I caught her once reading my bank statements. I lock everything away when she comes round and it totally confuses me as to why she thinks it’s acceptible behaviour.

My wife’s aunt would also turn up unannounced and to make matters worse, she wouldn’t ring the doorbell but would walk around the back of the house looking through the windows. I gently asked her to please call first or text....well that was over twelve years ago and she hadn’t been back since.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 04/02/2018 00:36

Make her justify herself, just drop into the conversation...

OP: (innocently) Why do you keep going in our room?
MIL : I'm just looking.
OP: (deliberately misunderstanding) Just looking for what?
MIL: Nothing. Just looking.
OP: Just looking at what?
MIL: Nothing - I'm just looking...
OP: Well that's a bit [fucking] weird don't you think?
MIL: Er...

ObscuredbyFog · 04/02/2018 01:29

I have never in my life heard of a visitor waltzing around your bedroom without permission

There was a thread recently about someone having built a new house and they asked neighbours round for drinks and supper, may have been NYE. It was made clear that the house was not open for a look around after the neighbour asked a few times, but the neighbour went and noseyed upstairs anyway, scared the living daylights out of a child who was reading upstairs and the hosts threw her out.

Maybe bring that up in conversation OP - don't show the thread though as lots of people were into expecting a "tour" of other peoples' houses. Shock

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2018 01:49

You should be pissed off. What a nosey cow. My MIL pulled this same shit. They came for a visit, and shortly after arriving said she needed to go to the bathroom. We have 2 full bathrooms, one next to the guest room, and the other is the master bath which is only accessible by going through my bedroom and my vanity room. My door was CLOSED and she still had the nerve to go in for a peek around. I caught her myself and I was FURIOUS. My bedroom is COMPLETELY off-limits to anyone expect for my husband and our children. Call me weird, IDGAF, but I don't want ANYONE else in my private space, and that includes my own parents. They would never dream of going in unless invited, which of course I have. Put an end to this shit now or things will only get worse.

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/02/2018 03:29

Aquamarine love it. Was she going in your ensuite cheeky mare or had she done a detour on her way from the other bathroom. I take it you ripped into her. Maybe Op could hire you to lie in wait for her Mil Grin

Shadow666 · 04/02/2018 03:38

Maybe next time you go to theirs you should head up to her bedroom and have a good look through her drawers and cupboards, see how she likes it. She probably just is being nosy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2018 04:14

But he doesn’t see an issue with her, And I don’t think he would want to upset his mum

You’ve got a dh problem as well then. He cares more about his mother’s feelings than yours.

You’ve been with your dh for 15 years with a 9 yo. Clearly you’re not in your 20’s. Time to put your big girl pants on and tackle this.

MIL. Just nipping to the loo.
YOU. Do not go into my bedroom.
MIL. Boo hoo.
YOU. my bedroom is private
MIL. weep weep
YOU. I respect your privacy. I expect you to respect mine. Are we clear?

If it all blows up and fil and dh get involved you’ll have to cross that bridge. Dh needs to know that you will no longer accept being disrespected. As his wife, you are his first priority, not his effing mother. Bottom line, if she can’t keep out, she doesn’t get to stay on her impromptu visits. That way she doesn’t need to use the loo.

TheMaddHugger · 04/02/2018 04:36

"Remember the poster who left visa application forms for moving to Australia in her room for her MIL to find"

I remember that post too.

my own [late] Mum cleaned my wardrobe out and reorganized it.
I told her point blank
Never do that again.... "but I was helping"
Want to help ? ask me what I Need done.

It worked. But she wasn't a nosy Bcth

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 04/02/2018 05:10

Put a dish of water right inside the door when you know she's coming so she steps in it.

Charolais · 04/02/2018 05:27

Although my mil crossed the line many times - she would manipulate us and never took ‘no' for answer - she never had a snoop in our bedroom because she couldn’t climb stairs. lol. If I wanted to get away from her I just went upstairs.

For 35 years she drove me up the wall and she died yesterday. I can’t believe how sad it has made me feel. It’s really weird.

itsalldyingout · 04/02/2018 05:33

My ex MIL was like this.

But even worse, my ex gave her a house key!

She'd let herself in whenever (to let the dog out, she'd say), then wander around commenting quite nastily on my terrible cleaning skills and my bad napping habits. I have fibromyalgia and would be floored by the fatigue sometimes.

I started leaving the key in the door, slightly turned, so she'd go around the house looking through windows and knocking them.

I'd lost my baby and had decided to miscarry naturally rather than have a D&C. I was in bed, in the depths of misery and pain and she came up to our bedroom demanding to know why I wasn't in hospital "saving" her grandchild.

A lock was installed on my bedroom door by my friend's husband the following day.

Exh was doing a run of nightshifts but she'd be down knocking the door at 9am. I asked him several times to ask her to stop calling so early but he'd just shrug and let her in. It was affecting both of us with the lack of sleep as I was having a fibro relapse at the time.

After a few weeks of this I was at the end of my tether. We both got up wearily and let her in and I told him to tell her. He refused so I asked her nicely if she'd mind not calling until the afternoon as she was getting us both out of bed. She went absolutely mental! Called me a selfish bitch, amongst many other things. And then stopped. For a few months.

I couldn't believe it one day when I heard the key in the lock and by the time I was downstairs she was going through my kitchen drawers!. I didn't quite catch her so couldn't accuse her directly but I knew.

My little not-leaving-key-in-door relapse was soon sorted.

Unfortunately, she was a major reason for our divorce. Still, she got her son back for a while. I often wonder if his new wife put up with her for as long as I did. I'm just happy to have got rid of her - though mutual acquaintances and friends tell me she still bad-mouths me whenever she can. She was doing it from the day we met so it's water off a duck's back now.

OP - it's obviously bothering you. Your husband doesn't look like he'll stand up to her and although some of the suggestions here are brilliant (but I'm bound now to get Amazon emails suggesting blow up dolls!), I don't think the ruder ones would be sensible with your DC in the house.

The Australia one is inspired, though.

It's the ideal time now, while you're doing the place up, to add a bedroom lock - or just upgrade them all to locked doors. Just hide the keys of all the others in the attic or somewhere. Or you could install a snazzy new fingerprint lock or keypad.

Her behaviour is NOT likely to change. You could try the alarm suggestion and it might shame her out of her nosiness, but I doubt it. You'd have to make sure it's set every time you leave your room - unless you have time to run up and set it when she arrives. See if you can Pavlov her into not going near your room!

The dropping in whenever thing needs to be sorted, too. It would drive me mad, but worse, it could put a wedge between you and your husband and if other tensions develop in your marriage it will make things a thousand times worse.

OhBeggerItsMorning · 04/02/2018 05:39

Next time you see your MIL, you/DH need to try the direct approach - tell her (no ask about it) your bedroom is private and she is not allowed in. If she still goes in what about putting a lock on your bedroom door and setting a trap for her - have a bit of 'fun' with her? When she arrives pop up to your bedroom and lay a few sex toys/anti MIL literature/'personal' photos/sexy underwear/forms to emigrate etc. on your bed, close the door and wait for her going upstairs. Follow shortly afterwards, maybe saying to DH you are going to lock your door (loudly), make sure she is in then pull the door shut and lock it.

Go downstairs and put the key down on a shelf/mantle piece etc. that isn't an obvious place to look, when she tries to get out and everyone hears her calling it could take a minute or two to find the key.

On going up to let her out make sure everyone is there and put on a performance about 'Oh, I am sooooo sorry, MIL, I came up to lock the door to protect our privacy, seems you'd already invaded it anyway. I reallllllllly don't want anyone in our bedroom looking at all our private stuff so thought I'd prevent you doing it but you ended up locked in a room you shouldn't have been in anyway. Of course, if you'd told us you were coming before you turned up we could have locked our door before you arrived so there was no possibility of you being in there when I did lock it.' or something along these lines you think might be effective. Apart from a mock apology do not apologise for locking her in a room she shouldn't have been in anyway.

If you try the direct approach first and it doesn't work you will have to try a more indirect approach. Of course, you could always just put a lock on and lock it every time she turns up, but if she still tries the door every time and it's unlocked one day she can still get in, if you embarrass her with being locked in one day she might think twice before trying to get in another time.

Geography999 · 04/02/2018 05:53

My MIL popped round yesterday. My children asked her to go upstairs to their bedrooms - I cringed because they were in a mess but felt I couldn’t really say no. After 20 minutes I went up to see how they were getting on. Found MIL tucked up in mine and DH’s bed whilst kids read her a story!!!!

I must have looked mortified ( was doing mental gymnastics to think if bed was clean enough) and MIL just said “ Ahhhh, they wanted me to be the little girl” Confused

diddl · 04/02/2018 07:52

" And I don’t think he would want to upset his mum"

Why would she be upset at simply being told not to go into your bedroom?

Why does she get such thought/respect when she clearly doesn't give you-or her son any?

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