To be upset that DS can't have a birthday party?

[ilovemilton]

DS birthday falls on a Sunday, on a weekend where contact is Fri-Mon.

DS wants to stay home and have a party with his friends, cake, presents etc.

Exh says that if I want to give him a party, I do it on my time. His close friends aren’t available in the week and so it would be a week after his birthday.

DS is so upset that he isn’t having a party - to him a week is a long time and even though he knows it will be good, he says it’s not the same. He’s begging me to collect him from school not exh. He’ll be lucky to get a present off exh, let alone any kind of fuss.

I feel so sad for him. You can’t really give me any solutions, I’m just venting about exh being a dick and my son being upset; and me not being able to do anything.

Could you have his party a week early instead then on your weekend?

I went through availability with parents of his best mates and this was the best option. There will already be a family party the week before, for my DM so that probably wouldn’t have worked too well either.

How old is he? This will come up again and again so be positive and bright and say how much fun it will be to have party the following weekend.

I get that you're hacked off that your ex won't make the effort. However it really is the norm to have a child's birthday party around their birthday rather than actually on it. You'll save your son years of totally pointless disappointment if you normalise this for him.

Party for dm over the whole weekend? Both days?

Hold it the Saturday after.
Sell it to him as getting 2 (or 3?) birthdays, one with you, one with dad, and the party with friends. So instead of just 1 day of celebration he gets 3 extending over two weeks.

We never did parties on the actual day.

'Sorry, I know you want it close to your birthday but you're with your Dad and we can't change that so we'll have your party the next weekend'. And repeat.

Can his party be any other time on the weekend before? The party with your mum will surely be on just one morning or one afternoon so it’ll leave time for another. Or could you have a party with some friends at home and invite your mum to that?

How old is ds? I've had this and compromises need to be made. My eldest is 16 on Monday. Been separated nearly 10 years and have had to manage a lot of these type of situations. He'll cope and get over it I promise

It’s not really a huge issue unless you make it one. My DTs are having their party a fortnight after their actual birthday.

They’re very excited and understand that we can’t have the party on the day of their birthday for myriad reasons.

Just arrange another date and help your son to focus on the positive, not dwell on the negative.

Just do the party the weekend after or before.

It doesn’t need to be on his birthday. The one party Ds has was a joint one with his cousin who’s birthday is a month later so it was 2 weeks after ds birthday and 2 weeks before DN birthday. Nobody came to any harm!

How old is he? Many children don't have a party on the exact date. It is that or no party.

I know, I do all those things. It’s just heartbreaking. We are a month off and he is already crying about it every day. Not in a spoiled brat way, a genuine sadness.

Sweetmom. Not for DM the whole weekend but with that and making sure his three best mates can all go, I needs to be the weekend after. Either way, it’s still a week away from his birthday and it just feels cruel.

My children have had to have birthday parties shifted sometimes. It happens for various reasons. Work, school holidays etc. Why not plan something really nice to do on the Monday (go out for a meal?) and a party for his friends the next weekend. He will remember it though in years to come.

It's fine to have his party earlier or later.
My 2 are August born and all parties since starting school have been either July or Sept as people are away in August and it's too hard to chase replies when not at school. It's always been fine.
This year DD2 had her party in December as was waiting for her new room to be finished so she could have a sleepover!

Many children for numerous reasons have their party a week or so before or after their birthday. I'm not sure how old your DS is but I think he may need to get used to the idea that he can't have everything exactly how he wants it and that's nothing to do with you and his dad being separated it's just life.

Why won't your ex let your son have a party on his birthday weekend? When he knows it's what his son wants. Couldn't he be there too?

Because he won’t do anything that requires effort. He’s an abusive twat but I even offered that option, or that DS comes home for a couple of hours.

You’re talking about a man who had DC Christmas morning and didn’t put a tree up, didn’t cook a meal and told them Santa only comes to mummy’s house.

Honestly it’s not cruel. Yes your ex could be more acccomdating but your DS is going to have a party with his dGM, weekend with his dad and then you could book in a party with his chums. If some of his friends can’t make it then that’s not unusual.

I get you are annoyed with you ex but really your DS does not need to be crying every day.

My niece has a Christmas birthday and has had her last couple of parties in late January/ early February, because it's tricky to organise a party in the school holidays. She still has a fantastic time, she gets presents and enjoys the attention of having a birthday party, it doesn't matter that its a few weeks late.

I’m trying to get him to be positive and make it all really exciting but he is so genuinely sad.

Won’t be an issue again until 2022, when we imagine contact will have ceased if DD is anything to go by.

It feels hard, I know, but try to be calm and rational about it with him. Point out that regardless of how his dad behaves, this is the best way to get all his good friends at the party and that's a priority.

While it's miserable to think his dad won't give him a nice actual birthday, it could always be worse. One of my DS's classmates has been unable to have a birthday party this year through needing serious medical treatment and has been in hospital for the weeks surrounding his birthday. I don't mean to sound all Four Yorkshiremen about it, but it could undoubtedly be worse.

Your ex is a complete dick though.

Ha thanks. I know there are bigger issues and we are going to have a great party the weekend after. I think this is a “stamp my feet because my ex is a twat and it’s upsetting my baby” thread.

It's perfectly normal to have a party a week after or before a child's actual birthday, that's probably more common than on the actual day. I get your pissed off with your eggs but I think that your making a bit too much of this. It's really not cruel, your ds is upset but he needs to learn to deal with this sort of thing.

Has this twat got a court order?

I'm wondering why he has access when he's such a cruel gir that clearly doesn't have his sons interests at heart.