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Original poster

To be upset that DS can't have a birthday party?

129 replies

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:06

DS birthday falls on a Sunday, on a weekend where contact is Fri-Mon.

DS wants to stay home and have a party with his friends, cake, presents etc.

Exh says that if I want to give him a party, I do it on my time. His close friends aren’t available in the week and so it would be a week after his birthday.

DS is so upset that he isn’t having a party - to him a week is a long time and even though he knows it will be good, he says it’s not the same. He’s begging me to collect him from school not exh. He’ll be lucky to get a present off exh, let alone any kind of fuss.

I feel so sad for him. You can’t really give me any solutions, I’m just venting about exh being a dick and my son being upset; and me not being able to do anything.

OP posts:
ArchchancellorsHat · 03/02/2018 21:29

What a spiteful knob end your ex is. At least you all don't have to put up with him full time.

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2018 21:29

Why does his party need to be at the weekend? Most kids here have their parties after school (soft play, pool party, laser party etc..), could you not do something a few days before after school? I know he wants to do it on his birthday but that’s not always possible (even with kids that don’t have a twat of a father). I think you just need to compromise with your ds on having a party on another day.

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 03/02/2018 21:32

Annie is absolutely on the button. Why should you poor DS suffer so his sister doesn't? Pick him up early on Friday and let Extwat take you back to Court. Tell them what you've told us and get a Wishes and Feelings report form Cafcass.
Your dc have one short childhood. Don't let an arse spoil it for them.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 21:34

Trying not to turn this into a massive thread about my court case, but it is ordered that the same judge and the same Cafcass are the only people to hear to case.

OP posts:
waterrat · 03/02/2018 21:34

Bit irresponsible of people telling someone to ignore a court order and return to court.

Its one day and one weekend and your son will be fine. The ex is being a twat but its important your son is given the vibe from you that its not something to worry about. Be calm as you can be about it.

Fighting parents and court battles are really bad for children.

SD1978 · 03/02/2018 21:35

Yes your ex is a dick. But you need to organise for either the weekend before, or the weekend after. There is no need for your son to be so upset because a party doesn’t happy exactly on his birthday- a party is a party. There will be plenty of times in life when events don’t fall on the specific day- will this always be his reaction? It’s uo to you to manage this. Yes it’s unfortunate that he can’t have a party on his birthday- the same as it would be if it was a school day. But there is a co promise; you’ll still have a party, so feeling life is ruined this far out is a bit dramatic.

waterrat · 03/02/2018 21:35

Sounds shit OP. Just keep being a loving mum and your son will grow up knowing he is loved which is what matters.

gluteustothemaximus · 03/02/2018 21:47

He’s very excited about his party with us, it’s just not how he wants to spend his actual birthday.

That's the problem here, not that the OP doesn't want to have the party on a different day.

Forget the party, week before, week after, doesn't matter. It's his ACTUAL birthday that is going to be shit.

It's not about - get used to the disappointment and I don't celebrate on the actual day, it's no big deal etc etc

It's that it sounds as though his father is going to make no effort whatsoever with him and celebrate his birthday. No fuss and no presents on your actual birthday? That's shit.

Even if he were at school, that would be better. Whenever our kids are at school, when they get home we make a big fuss, cake, presents, pizza and film etc then a party at the weekend.

Sorry OP. It does hurt. It sounds shit. Hope you manage to make the best of it for him x

bananafish · 03/02/2018 22:11

Of course he doesn't care about having his party later; he's, understandably, miserable about having to spend the day with his fool of a father.

I don't know what you can do - except sympathise with your poor lad. Because it is shit.

And it must be heartbreaking and infuriating that you can't do anything because the abusive twunt ex has managed to brainwash some cafcass officer and a judge round to his viewpoint.

It's just one contact w/end and he'll be back with you before he knows it? Maybe spin it like that?

Deffo give him an amazing pre birthday breakfast (icecream, waffles, blueberries? that's my 5 yr olds favourite b/day breakfast so may be a bit young!) But whatever he wants and a pressie and a big cuddle.

I hope it goes well as it can do and he comes back ready for his real birthday and party later on.

Cake Flowers

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 03/02/2018 22:15

It's not right for a child to be this unhappy especially on his birthday poor little lamb. Contact is supposed to be in the child's best interest not the bloody parent's "rights".
I'd be more bolshy but then I've been there with the sobbing children and know exactly how that feels.

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 03/02/2018 22:17

What happens if he is ill OP? Too ill to go to school on the Friday? Does he still have to do the contact in pjs and temperature?

If not...

kateandme · 03/02/2018 22:20

could you send him with a rucksack full of goodies to open on the day.could you sneak a helium balloon in his case or something lol.
you can even send cakes via post nowadays.not sure how your ex would take this.:/
first thing in the morning phone him up.
just little reassurance to make sure he knows this is a big deal to you and its not by choice that your not having a big day for him.
maybe try and change the reason behind the response to not having it on the day.at the moment its very emotional for both of you and about dads cruelty so maybe if you remind him that parties are on different days all the time when you book places that aren't avaialbe etc but its still his day and youll have it.
if his dads like you say he wont be bothered by how upset this will make you both so don't give him the satisfaction of seeing it.awful though it is.
it must hurt.you can do it though,go with that mentailtiy let him see you put your positive pants on and he will have that rub off on him too.

NotAnotherEmma · 03/02/2018 22:22

People seriously need to get a grip on what are actual problems. Dickhead ex who's a shit father that would rather be a spiteful asshole then see his children happy is a problem, not having a birthday party on your birthday isn't even a first world problem.

I only had 2 birthday parties as a kid and literally have no idea if they were on my actual birthday and I know I wouldn't have cared about that because I was just happy to get a party. So I've no idea why this would be a big deal to any kid.

I think the OP should have been honest from the start that she's sad that she let a complete douchebag father her two children, rather then some nonsense about the supposed "cruelty" of her son not having his birthday party on his birthday.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 22:34

Yes he does witch. He collects them no matter what.

Long time ago DD had tonsillitis on contact day so stayed home. He collected her at end of school time and WALKED her a mile away to the GP to prove that she had it.

OP posts:
Woollypinksocks · 03/02/2018 22:38

Really helpful post notanotheremma

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 03/02/2018 22:45

Is this why DD refuses contact now then? Another example of a complete arse for a father. You have my sympathy. It's bloody shit watching your children get hurt because of a spiteful controlling adult and a short sighted Court system.

Butterymuffin · 03/02/2018 22:47

If he came round again in that way but you refused to let him in, what then? Surely if he rang the police even and said 'my ex is saying my son is ill in bed and can't come for his contact time', they'd speak to you and then tell dickhead to leave it for this weekend?

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 22:47

One of the many many reasons...

She protested about contact from day one. She has a long memory!

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 22:48

Buttery - and then there would be a court application lodged for them missing contact.

OP posts:
PancakeInMaBelly · 03/02/2018 22:52

We've NEVER thrown DCs parties on their ACTUAL birthday. Not classmate type parties anyway

Most people just do it on a nearish saturday. Actual birthdays are usually a family thing

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 03/02/2018 22:53

Is your ex live close enough for your DS to walk himself home early on Sunday? It's a bit extreme but if he feels that strongly then Cafcass need to think again. Is he 8 now or going to be 8?

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 22:55

8 now. 3ish miles. They are locked in his house and he keeps the key in his pocket (as DD did run off a few times).

OP posts:
TillyMint81 · 03/02/2018 22:57

My children's birthdays last a couple of weeks. Me and dh are together but we have family spread about so by the time we have made the rounds it's been at least 10 days. Hope you can find a solution

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 03/02/2018 23:00

Jesus! He locks them in and Cafcass still think this is in the best interests of the children!

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 23:02

Yes, to stop them running into traffic if they keep running away Hmm

OP posts:
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