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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset that DS can't have a birthday party?

129 replies

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:06

DS birthday falls on a Sunday, on a weekend where contact is Fri-Mon.

DS wants to stay home and have a party with his friends, cake, presents etc.

Exh says that if I want to give him a party, I do it on my time. His close friends aren’t available in the week and so it would be a week after his birthday.

DS is so upset that he isn’t having a party - to him a week is a long time and even though he knows it will be good, he says it’s not the same. He’s begging me to collect him from school not exh. He’ll be lucky to get a present off exh, let alone any kind of fuss.

I feel so sad for him. You can’t really give me any solutions, I’m just venting about exh being a dick and my son being upset; and me not being able to do anything.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 03/02/2018 20:59

What kind of circumstances are considered reasonable ones for (just once) deviating from a court order? I don't know myself so I'm throwing it out to posters who might. Just because I'd be tempted to come up with whatever excuse would work to keep him home that weekend.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2018 21:00

I’m sure there are lots of other things going on here but the birthday party issue just is what it is and he really shouldn’t be crying about it every day in the month beforehand, you need to put a positive spin on more than one celebration and then stop discussing it. If he thinks you’re going to stop him going to his dad’s it’s goung to overshadow all the weeks until the weekend in question.

My DSC have had two birthdays for years, so does the queen. This year we’re doing something with them the week before as it’s the only that works. They’re happy making plans and it’ll be fine as it always is.

Why does your ex keep having to go back to court when you have an established court order?

RainbowGlitterFairy · 03/02/2018 21:00

Is he young enough that pointing out he'll get 4 birthdays this way (one with your dm, one with you, actual birthday and then party) might help? I agree its really shit of his father, contact should be about your DS not his father. What happens if he is invited to other children's parties on the weekends he's got contact?

timeisnotaline · 03/02/2018 21:00

As a loved and cared for child it never occurred to me I had to have birthday parties on the actual date, you choose the nearest convenient date. I would work on this with him as it will surely come up again, not just because of the contact arrangement but because that’s how life works. Think of any recent bday parties he’s been to and check if they were on the dates - it probably wasn’t somwthung he even thought about for other people and actually it matters just as little for him. But if ex won’t actually acknowledge his bday can you sneak a gift and packaged cupcake into his bag for the actual day?

Cindie943811A · 03/02/2018 21:01

OP I hope you are keeping a diary in case you need to return to court for a review at some time.
If your ex is not interested in celebrating DCs birthdays and Christmas why on earth does he insist on having them on those days? Can’t see much of the paramountsy principle at work here. What cruel Dickensian father he is

bridgetoc · 03/02/2018 21:01

I can see where your coming from OP , but YABU .......

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 21:03

Rainbow - he isn’t allowed to go. He’s doesn’t go out during contact weekends. He isn’t even allowed to come to his sisters party a few weeks after.

OP posts:
Crazycatladyx5 · 03/02/2018 21:03

My DD9 was meant to spend last birthday evening at her dad's house & come back to me at lunchtime for her party that afternoon. But a couple of days before she decided she wanted to be with me for birthday eve & morning so she could do the routines & traditions she has done all her life (same reason she says she is always having Xmas at home) Her dad is still saying I made her stay with me, (I actually had tickets to go out so had to get a babysitter for the birthday eve).....I go with what DD wants to do.....except this Easter falls on a weekend she is at dad's.. ..she doesn't want to go as we have a big family (I have 10 grandchildren) and have an Egg hunt....but she will be back with me by 4pm so we will do it then. Her dad doesn't make a big fuss about birthdays etc.

Troels · 03/02/2018 21:04

I hope you keep a log of all the ex's twatiness.
At some point he'll drag you back to court for something, and you need to have all your ducks in a row, ready for the next time. Plus judges change he won't get all of them on his side.
I'd switch your Mums party for to the weekend after and have a big friends part early.
Will ex be having a party for him?

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 21:05

Cindie - my version of events is irrelevant, the only important factor is that DC have a relationship with their father. I do record it all, but it’s always dismissed.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/02/2018 21:05

Seriously, it doesn’t matter when anyone’s else’s kids had their parties. He’s 8. He’s upset because his father is a twat and he cannot understand why he’s being made to go to his father’s house, on his birthday, when he doesn’t want to. He wants to spend it with people who love him & care about him. Of course he’s bloody well allowed to cry about it. He’s crying about the ‘party’, but actually it’s about the fact that his Dad is an utter cunt.

Woollypinksocks · 03/02/2018 21:07

Well said Annie.

Woollypinksocks · 03/02/2018 21:08

Did you say you have a dd with him too Milton? Does ex see your dd?

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 21:11

DD stopped going last summer. After much fighting and threats he told her she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.

Until DS started to say the same in October and he threatened court for both of them again then. He got school to crackdown on handovers to ensure DS keeps going; and says he’ll be happy with this, as longs as DS goes he won’t bother DD or go back to court.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/02/2018 21:13

I think you are making far too big an issue out of this. Yes it's annoying your ex won't play fair but it's not that important. A lot of people for various reasons can't have a party on the exact day or weekend they would prefer. Working commitments, care commitments and so on.

CapnHaddock · 03/02/2018 21:16

What an utter cunt your ex is. I’m so sorry for your boy. And what a lot of arsey posters telling him to suck it up. Foul people.

I dint think there’s much you can do right now other than sympathise and try and focus on his fab party the following weekend. And know that your years with this wankstain in your lives are limited because your DS will also refuse to see him once he’s old enough.

Woollypinksocks · 03/02/2018 21:16

She's not making a big issue out of it. The party is a red herring.

Op is upset rightly so because her ex is being an out and out bastard to her ds.

I can only offer sympathy op Thanks

He won't be able to control you all forever.

Oblomov18 · 03/02/2018 21:16

Most people have their children's parties the weekend before, or the weekend after. So, I just can't see the problem.

DragonsAndCakes · 03/02/2018 21:17

If he’ll be upset about a shit birthday at his dad’s then I’d suggest moving his birthday to the Friday before. Party is still the following weekend, but he gets presents, whatever you normally do for dinner on a birthday on the Friday before. Tell school too. Maybe arrange just one friend for tea.

Scaredofthegym · 03/02/2018 21:18

My dd went to a friends party today who's birthday was several weeks ago as her mum had only just got round to organising it. No one cared about that, they had a great time.

It's only a problem if you make it one, have you turned it into a negative thing for your ds by letting your feelings known? Yes ur ex sounds like a dick but having a party a week after your bday is so not a big deal and in fact very normal.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 21:18

Dragons - contact is from school Friday. But I did find the idea upthread to give him a present or two on the Friday morning.

OP posts:
octonaught · 03/02/2018 21:20

Your Ex is a bastard. (Mine is too, and ds has missed friends birthdays because of ex’s spite)
But I’m afraid you’re going to have to let this one go. Just make sure DS knows he’s going to have a fabulous party the week after & send him off with a fabulous pre-birthday breakfast. He will never forget that his F was indifferent about his 8th birthday; but it will help him put his F into perspective when he is older & feel no guilt should he decide to go nc, like your dd

halcyondays · 03/02/2018 21:25

Having a party a week after the birthday is perfectly normal. It's sad that his dad won't do anything at all for him on his actual birthday though.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/02/2018 21:28

So he’s also the sacrificial lamb for DD.

Fuck that.

I’d tell DS he doesn’t have to go. I’d tell twat features neither child wants to go and that if he wants to take it back to court then he can, but both of his children will be in court, both of them will explain how he acts and the fact that he doesn’t celebrate anything, doesn’t do anything, doesn’t take them out of the house, doesn’t let them go to friends parties or any other activities and doesn’t let them speak to you and that you will not be leaving court until the judge sees sense.

I’d then get a fucking good lawyer, a different judge and I’d beg, borrow remortgage, sell my soul or bloody crowd fund if I had to, to put an end to this twats behaviour.

halcyondays · 03/02/2018 21:28

If he can't be bothered to do anything for his son on special days, he shouldn't object to you having him on his birthday/Xmas Day etc.

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