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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that DS can't have a birthday party?

129 replies

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:06

DS birthday falls on a Sunday, on a weekend where contact is Fri-Mon.

DS wants to stay home and have a party with his friends, cake, presents etc.

Exh says that if I want to give him a party, I do it on my time. His close friends aren’t available in the week and so it would be a week after his birthday.

DS is so upset that he isn’t having a party - to him a week is a long time and even though he knows it will be good, he says it’s not the same. He’s begging me to collect him from school not exh. He’ll be lucky to get a present off exh, let alone any kind of fuss.

I feel so sad for him. You can’t really give me any solutions, I’m just venting about exh being a dick and my son being upset; and me not being able to do anything.

OP posts:

Kardashianlove · 03/02/2018 20:33

Mine have often had parties a week or so away from their birthdays for various reasons, it’s never been an issue. I’ve just always said ‘ooooh your party is on xyz’ and been all excited and they have too. Just book his party, hype it up how good it will be, get him to help with invitations, party bags, etc. There is no need for him to be upset, he’s having a PARTY!!! He’s very lucky, lots of DC don’t get parties at all.

Original poster

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:34

Yes he’s got an excellent court order tailored to his very specific needs, with no thought to the DC in any way.

OP posts:

altiara · 03/02/2018 20:35

A week after is not cruel!
My DDs birthday falls in half term so I usually rule out weekends either side of half term in case we/her friends are on holiday, the weekend before that is her brothers birthday, 3 of her best friends have their birthday within a week of hers so I go with a party within a month either side of her actual birthday. She’s never once cried about it.

Original poster

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:35

To be fair, he’s probably just as upset that he isn’t at home on his birthday; as he is about when his party is.

OP posts:

Woollypinksocks · 03/02/2018 20:35

Bastard. Give your son a fab birthday and party on a different day.

Hold on to the knowledge that your son will see through this man and eventually want nothing to do with him.

BrieAndChilli · 03/02/2018 20:36

My friends son is August birthday and he normally has his party in October!
Mine have had up to 3 weeks before thier birthday and up to 4 weeks after depending on lots of things at the time. Really not a big deal not having a party on your actual birthday.
The main thing his the dad not making any fuss. Does he have any family on that side that might get him a pressie?

Original poster

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:37

Exh has a big family but they have nothing much to do with the DC since I left him.

OP posts:

SandyDenny · 03/02/2018 20:37

How old is he?

You really need to be explaining to him that iy doesn't matter at all if youo have you party on your birthday. more than half his birthdays will be on school days, it's totally normal to have a party before of after.

Is he actually worried about something else, it seems a little unusual to be so upset so far ahead of his birthday

Woollypinksocks · 03/02/2018 20:38

Altiara it's not cruel to have a party after your birthday.

It's cruel for a father to prevent his child from having the party they want for no good reason than it's 'his time'.

You'd think he'd want to see his son happy on his birthday.

Op says the boy will be lucky to get a present from his dad let alone any kind of celebration.

SadieHH · 03/02/2018 20:39

DD1 has an early January birthday and had her party in July one year. A week is nothing! He’ll be fine.

Vibe2018 · 03/02/2018 20:39

What age is your DS?

It is a bit mean if your ex but I think you need to tell your DS its not really a big deal at all - as he will have to deal with all sorts of disappointments in life and being a little bit resilient will help.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/02/2018 20:40

Do you think he is upset about the fact that his dad won't actually bother much about his birthday and it's not necessarily about the party but just wants some fuss and has therefore made it all about the party, if that makes sense?

DS very rarely has a party anywhere near his birthday. His birthday his early January so not always easy to arrange due to the school holidays. Also had to postpone one on the actual day due to snow and the venue was in the middle of nowhere and he just accepted that he would have to wait a few more weeks. Also in the last few years he has had parties at the local cinema and so has had to wait until a certain film comes out which can be weeks if not a couple of months later.

Original poster

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:42

He’s 8. He’s very resilient considering what exh is like, and doesn’t want his birthday to be rubbish. I think that’s a reasonable thing to be upset about to him, even if we can see the bigger picture. He’s very excited about his party with us, it’s just not how he wants to spend his actual birthday.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:43

Ineedaholiday - very much so.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 03/02/2018 20:47

My birthday is early July, so throughout my entire childhood my party was a few weeks early, before schools break up. Children born on Christmas Day will have their party before or after as they aren't going to have it the same day. There are all kinds of reasons for children not to have their party on the same day as their birthday. Why do you think he is crying so much about it? Is there something else behind the crying, as it seems such an extreme reaction to something that is no big deal?

NorksAreMessy · 03/02/2018 20:47

You could have a tea party after school one day?
I am a ‘party entertainer’ of sorts and I often turn up at 3.30 on a school night for a birthday party. Is that an option?

Aragog · 03/02/2018 20:48

I can imagine your ds is sad to not be home with you on his birthday especially if his dad won't do anything for him, but make sure he knows that you will give him a fabulous birthday at home the very next day - you and him, a great little treat evening after school. And then a fantastic party within a week or two either side of his actual birthday, Round here it is unusual for people to have a party on their actual birthday anyway - not many are lucky enough to have it land on the weekend often. So the birthday party before or after just prolongs the birthday celebrations. Its not uncommon for dd to celebrate her birthday 3 times - on the day with us, a celebration with family and then a party with friends. All spread over a 3/4 week period.

Can you call him on his birthday? And send him with a small present to open on the day? and maybe a sweet treat too?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/02/2018 20:49

All the things people are saying are true, but they seem to be missing the point that the poor little boy has his birthday on a Sunday and would love to have his party on the day, as he can. Except he’s being made to go to his twat of a Dad’s house & do nothing for his birthday. Contact with a NR parent is t benefit the CHILD not the parent. It’s horrible that his own Dad treats him like this.

What’s the worst that would happen if you picked him up early from school on Friday and told twat features he wasn’t going there until Monday?

Yes it’s court ordered, but I can’t see anyone doing much about it, can you?

ineedaholidaynow · 03/02/2018 20:49

Could you put some little birthday surprises in his bag for when he goes to his Dad's?

peatree24 · 03/02/2018 20:51

I don't think my either of my DC (eldest is 10) have ever had a party right near their actual birthdays. DH works away and so we always wait until he is home for the party. We try to make a bit of a fuss around the actual day with a bit of a treat or a special meal or a movie or whatever and then the party is planned for whenever it works. They have each had parties 2 months later. Talk it up and make a big fuss about the fun of having his birthday celebrations stretched out. As other posters have noted, this is going to happen again and again.

Original poster

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:51

Court order says I can have phone contact every day he is there but he turns his phone off or sends a text to say they are having tea/bath/whatever, so I never get to speak to him. He won’t be any different on DS birthday.

If I sent a present exh would probably not let him have it. But that has given me an idea for an early present of two on the Friday as well as some on the Monday.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:54

Annie - spot on. But he returns to court at the drop of a hat and has done for five years. He has the judge eating out of his hands.

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 03/02/2018 20:55

Is there a reason you haven't gone back to court? He's breaching the order every time so you'd be fully justified in doing so, before you take into account his disregard for your child's wishes.

Original poster

ilovemilton · 03/02/2018 20:56

It never gets me anywhere and I can’t afford it anymore.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/02/2018 20:57

What the hell, as a nation, are we teaching our children? That it doesn’t matter how unhappy they are or that it doesn’t benefit them, as long as they do what an adult tells them they have to? That our legal system doesn’t give a damn about them?

This is really pissing me off tonight. It’s NOT right. An 8 year old should NOT be upset on his birthday just because some court says his wankstain father has the right to see him.

Grrrrrrr

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