To be upset that DS can't have a birthday party?

[ilovemilton]

DS birthday falls on a Sunday, on a weekend where contact is Fri-Mon.

DS wants to stay home and have a party with his friends, cake, presents etc.

Exh says that if I want to give him a party, I do it on my time. His close friends aren’t available in the week and so it would be a week after his birthday.

DS is so upset that he isn’t having a party - to him a week is a long time and even though he knows it will be good, he says it’s not the same. He’s begging me to collect him from school not exh. He’ll be lucky to get a present off exh, let alone any kind of fuss.

I feel so sad for him. You can’t really give me any solutions, I’m just venting about exh being a dick and my son being upset; and me not being able to do anything.

My 6 yr old birthday party is 2 wk after his bd this year due to dh work. He happy, he's having a party, he's doesn't care it's not on his birthday, just that he's getting a party

This is really not just about the birthday, is it. Your ex sounds like a horror. Poor DS....

Can you ask the wise stoic or babybarrister for advice? This sounds abusive and horrendous for them

Get your DS a cheap PAYG phone and hide it from the Ex then at least the boy is not out of contact with you and you can do a rescue mission if he can get out of the house. This is just not right and I'd be fighting it if my dc felt as strongly. Actually they did.

well yes, locking them in to keep them safe is reasonable. why they want to run away in the first place is another matter. as is not taking htem out, not taking them to friends parties, not putting their needs first.

you can teach your son that a lot of people in his life can listen if he is unhappy about things in general. he could tell you, his teacher, his gran, the dinner supervisors, his Ta,

poor love doess not even have his sister for comfort.

you could try and send him with something that would be a small reminder, note in his socks? something to keep in his pocket?

Your poor DS. You cannot make it better for him but spoiling him on Friday and Monday might help a little bit. I hope you can organise a party at a later day.

DD did actually tolerate it for longer than she wanted to as she was worried about him going on his own, bless her.

Toffee - I’ve gained a few good ideas for making the Friday and the Monday nice. We are in the early stages of planning something fantastic with his best friends the weekend after. I just wish I could make his actual birthday how he wants it.

I agree that this doesn't seem to be about the birthday.

I don't think it's at all unusual to have birthdays and birthday parties at odd times. My DH used to travel for work so birthdays were always being shifted around. I know different families are different though and some families are far more fixed on 'the day' than others.

I wonder if your DS has picked up how upset you are about it or whether it's
Just the general fact that his Dad is useless. I'd suspect in other circumstances your son wouldn't be bothered.

He sounds a crap Dad but I don't think this issue needs to be a problem.

BTW if birthdays are important in your family it seems a shame that you can't rearrange your DDs birthday so that your son can be there.

They both had old phones especially for contact. Turns out they have to be kept in “the phone box” over the weekend.

Yes we will do something for DDs birthday when DS returns, but that wasn’t my point. Was just showing you what he’s like.

Your ex is a dick.

I'm so glad to hear you're putting some plans into place to make to make his birthday extra special.

Unfortunately ex won't change, you are always going to have to overcompensate for his shittiness . The most positive thing you can do is try to 'shake it off' his selfish decisions and move on swiftly and positively without letting the DC see how upset you are.

Don't let negativity win.

We sewed one into a toy and ex didn't discover it. Really helped my youngest DD cope. They are NC with him now.

It’s difficult when they go from school to send anything like that. And any toys taken from here are kept, so it wouldn’t return either.

Ah yes we had that too. And all clothing and coats kept back until I refused to send anything at all bar what the DC stood up in. He'd return them in school uniform on a Sunday making them change in his car while he and OW watched.

Mine started to run away from school on a contact day.

Back to Court my love if you can stand the stress.

My 1st thought was fuck hin, keep your ds at home for his birthday. What can the court do about it retrospectively? You could send him an email stating why ds has asked to be at home for his birthday. Offer for him to see ds on the sunday afternoon to Monday morning, therefore making yourself look reasonable and compromising for ds's sake. Obviously he won't go for it, he sounds a total twat. But you'd have something to show the court.

We have a court order and we agreed that ds's dad would collect him from home on the evening of his birthday and then have him overnight,so he gets time with both of us. My ex can be a total absolute arsehole, but he loves ds. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this crap. Fwiw your ds isn't far off the age where his views would be taken into account re contact.

I hope he has a fantastic party, whatever day it is.

Why are you having your daughter's party on a day her brother is not there? Doing something when he is home is not the same. Although you do seem to have a really unpleasant ex, i dont think increasing your son's feelings of exclusion by holding her party when he is not there will help. Especially as he was not able to have the party date he wanted.

Can you not seek more legal advice? Is it usual that the same judge is the only one allowed to hear the case? How is that fair or in the spirit of transparency and justice?

DD birthday is also at a weekend. So she’s having her friends on her birthday and a family party when DS is with us. It hard to know what to do for he best so she doesn’t feel rubbish too!

I guess it's too late to rearrange your DDs party but there is no reason to think she will feel rubbish if she had her party not on her birthday.

It's really normal to have parties on non birthday days.

Sorry you've got such a horrible ex. When you first posted it wasn't immediately obvious that there was an underlying problem, so initially I felt it's the much of a problem, but having read your subsequent updates I can see why you feel the way you do. Wish I had words of wisdom but hope both kids have wonderful birthdays regardless of your twat of an ex.

It’s sounds like a horrible situation for you but it does seem like you are fixating on the parties not being on their birthdays as more of a big deal than it needs to be. Perhaps your DC have picked up on this?

It’s really, really common for kids to have parties quite a few weeks away from their actual birthday. There is no reason for your DD to feel rubbish that her party is not on her birthday and perhaps would have been nicer to do it on a day your DS was there.

It really doesn't matter if you have parties on the correct date or not. Mine often have theirs several
months away from their actual bday.

You say your son is resilient but it doesn't sound that way. He sounds incredibly anxious - this isn't a criticism, and from your description of your ex it is not surprising.

I find it odd that your ex manages to control their visitation schedule so strictly. That their feelings are t taken into account by the courts.

Can you seek some advocacy? Does Women's Aid cover access issues? There must be some organisation which supports the child in these situations and advocates for them.

You can't just accept it and say there is not point because he always wins court cases. Either you aren't giving us the whole story or there is something very shifty going on.

The only things I’m not telling you is more and more of the same...kids are hurt, unhappy, hate contact; ex is a twat; ex runs to court at the drop of a hat and it’s always ruled that I’m the evil mother who hates DC going to contact. And we go round in circles for years. No-one IRL who sees it all gets it either.