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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am UR regarding DD, I know I am. WWYD?

151 replies

OnlyOneGirl · 03/02/2018 18:11

Sorry to post on a mums site, didn't know where else to ask.

I am a dad to an 13 year old girl, DD. I split from her mum when she was 3 because ex wanted more children and I didn't. DD lives with her mum round the corner, Stepdad who I get on well with and her 3 siblings. Ex and I co-parent well, I pay £100 above CMS rates, half her school uniform, all her clothes for my house (which get swapped between houses anyway), half school trips etc. I also pay for her phone contract. I attend all school related events. i see DD every other weekend and 2-3 times in the week depending on what she's doing/where she wants to be. I also take her away on holiday for 2 weeks at Easter (she goes with her mum, SD and siblings in the summer so I don't interfere or try and plan it for then). She can easily walk between our houses and will often pop in to "pick something up" from her room here. I'd say we have a great relationship, I text her between visits and she knows I'm always here if she needs me.

DD has come to me today and asked for me to sign the forms so she can have the same surname as her mum, stepdad and siblings. She still wants to see me and spend time with me, still wants me in her life. She calls her Stepdad by his first name so he's not trying to take over, he's actually a really lovely guy and we get on great.

I am crushed. Part of me wants to say no. But I don't want to push her away. She currently has my surname, as ex and I married before I was married and ex took my name before she married her current husband whose name she now has.

Oh god I sound so selfish don't I? I don't want people assuming her Stepdad is her father, I am her dad, and always will be.

WWYD? Say yes and sign? Or say no?

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 03/02/2018 18:17

I can understand you feeling hurt, but this is something your daughter wants. If you say no for the sake of not being hurt you might damage your relationship and it sounds like you’re coparenting amazingly

Chugalug · 03/02/2018 18:18

I changed my name at a similar age,it does confuse matters when applying for things and on certificates like marriage..I'd point out this and say think about it....but when she gets married her name may change to her husbands....if she really wants it ,I expect it's best to agree...it dosnt change the fact you are her dad.nothing will change that

MakeItRain · 03/02/2018 18:19

That's really tough. What does she say about it? Is it something she really wants? I'm divorced but kept my married name so that I'd have the same name as my children. I'll probably change it back one day. I think I'd find it hard to have a different name to my children - do you think your daughter feels like that about having a different name to her mum and family? I think I'd start by talking to her about it.

kimlo · 03/02/2018 18:20

I would say no.

For a start having a deed poll can be a pain in the arse (I have one).

CosmicSpider · 03/02/2018 18:22

It is a tough one. I agree it is hurtful for you... In the same situation I would struggle to bring myself to graciously agree. I have a stepfather and my father would have gone mad if I approached him with that request, and wouldn't hide his hurt....

However, is it that she wants to match the rest of her siblings? If that is her some of her reasoning, then I appreciate it would be tough to say no. But you are her parent, and she is 13 and you would be right to gently prove her reasons before agreeing to anything.

ADuckNamedSplash · 03/02/2018 18:22

You already know that you'd be unreasonable to say no if that's what your DD wants. But I understand why you find it hurtful and I feel for you Thanks

Have you explored all the options with her? E.g. double barrelling, keeping your surname as a middle name, etc? It might be that you can reach a compromise. But if not, I think you have to go with what she wants.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 03/02/2018 18:23

Ah what a tough situation. I completely get why you feel hurt. Have you asked her why she is wanting to change the name?
Ps mumsnet, despite the moniker, is not just for mums.

Pidlan · 03/02/2018 18:24

Could you talk to her mum? I think she might regret doing this when she's older (I wanted to do similar at her age and I'm very thankful that I didn't.) Did she tell you exactly why? I can understand why you'd be upset about this. Sounds like you co-parent really well with your ex and that's admirable. Hugs.

WhooooAmI24601 · 03/02/2018 18:24

DS1 here is 12 and recently asked his Dad (without asking me first) if he could double-barrel his surname to have his Dad's surname and DH's (his stepdad's) surname. His Dad was furious, hurt and took a while to get through and it's probably the first big battle we've ever had in the 11 and a half years we've had co-parenting. His Dad eventually signed, realising that it wasn't about me but about DS1.

It must be awful. I felt awful when DS1's Dad phoned to talk it through because we've always been a fairly good team as separated parents go. But it hasn't changed DS1's relationship with his Dad. It was something that mattered to him, his Dad listened to his reasoning and did what he felt was right. As hard as it is for him, it's even harder for DS1 always trying to bridge that gap between two families and I think eventually that's what gave his Dad the push to sign; understanding just how tough our choices have been on DS1.

nutbrownhare15 · 03/02/2018 18:25

I can understand you feeling hurt, this is as someone who gave her daughter her own surname and didn't change it upon marriage. Would it help if you imagined that was the case? That she'd had your wife's name from birth. In this country the surname is used as a symbol for fatherhood, but as you say you know that bears no relation to what matters which is spending time together as father and daughter. So yanbu to feel as you do but yabu to refuse I think. It's her name after all, she'll be able to be named what she likes in a few years' time. If she marries the likelihood would be that she'd change her name then anyway.

Idontdowindows · 03/02/2018 18:25

It is very tough, and at 13 I feel that is a huge decision to make for... the sake of fitting in? I realise that fitting in is very important to her, but maybe sit down with her and explain, adult to young person, that her having your name is very important to you.

Have a really good heart to heart with her. Explore her reasons, what it means to you, what it means to her, everything.

And then both have a really good think about this.

2anddone · 03/02/2018 18:25

I changed my name to my step dads name when I was 10 as it was easier than explaining (this was 30 years ago, divorce wasn’t as common and kids kept asking me why I had a different name).
It was changed by deed poll not adoption and is a pain in the arse sometimes as I always need my birth certificate and change of name deed when applying for anything and showing my identity!
My dad was really hurt that I asked (we didn’t have a close relationship) and I didn’t hear from him again after he signed the papers it was like he had signed me away.
In hind sight I wish I had never asked as I honestly believe that’s what made me lose contact with him, we have met up a couple of times since (last time was 20 years ago) but things have never been the same.

TimesNewRoman · 03/02/2018 18:25

That must feel really horrible OP and you sound like a fantastic dad.
Could you try and explain to her your thoughts and that you aren't keen and the reasons why? Without trying to guilt her obv.
Your relationship with her is more important though, if she doesn't change her mind, remember it's only a name.
Thanks

NeverTwerkNaked · 03/02/2018 18:25

I’d sign the forms. She probably wants to feel part of their family. She’s the only one in that house with a different name. A change of name won’t affect your relationship with her (but not signing the forms might).

Sohardtochooseausername · 03/02/2018 18:26

I can understand you feeling hurt. I can understand her not wanting to be different from the people she lives with. When my parents split up my mum changed her name back and we asked her if we could too (my dad wasn’t as nice as you sound). My mum said no because that was her name and we already had names to make our own. She also said not to hurt my dad.

It’s a pride thing. Can you speak with her about it or your ex about how it makes you feel? Can she compromise and double barrel? Can she make up her own unique surname? Can she wait 6 months or a year and if she still wants it you’ll sign? Or can you accept that’s what she wants and be the good dad and not stand in her way? Ultimately she will still be your DD and you will carry on being a great dad.

TryAgainAndAgain · 03/02/2018 18:26

I get why that would sting but I don't think you need to see it as a rejection of you. It sounds like you have a good relationship so I suspect she wants the name change just to match the rest of her other household.

I suspect she just hasnt thought through the fact that it might come across as a rejection to you but 13 year olds aren't known for their thoughtfulness.

If you want you could suggest she keeps your surname as an unused middle name.

Also, is the new surname a nicer surname. My maiden name is awful so I couldn't wait to change it to my DHs despite generally thinking that women should keep their own names.

My last suggestion might not hold water but sometimes teens like to do things just to create a bit of attention - might she be going it for this reason? Might she like the idea of going to school with a new name and having to correct people when they get it wrong etc etc.

House4 · 03/02/2018 18:26

Is this something she wants or has the idea come from her mum? Could she compromise? Have your surname and new one double barrelled? Keep yours as a middle name? There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling her how you feel (thus just shows how much you care) but ultimately she should be allowed to decide as it is HER name, not yours. It makes you no less of a father if she has a different name. You found amazing. Tell her to think about it for a couple of weeks too before making such a big decision.
I do understand - i divorced but wouldn’t change my surname as I want the same name as my DS.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 03/02/2018 18:26

I also think you can be honest about your feelings about it to her. She is old enough and if you do it gently I don't think it's emotional blackmail. I think there comes a time where it's a good thing to be able to talk honestly about how things make you feel. That doesn't have to be a guilt trip. Then if she still wants to, taking all into consideration... I think double barrelled is a good solution.

honeylulu · 03/02/2018 18:27

I don't think you are selfish. I would feel the same.

It's a tough one. Did the idea come from her? Can you persuade her to wait a year or even six months to really think about it on the basis that its a big decision but then you'll agree to whatever she decides.

When she's 18 she can just do it anyway.

GhostWriter666 · 03/02/2018 18:27

I wouldn't be impressed.
1...it's a pain with the extra paperwork when applying for things... the amount of times I have had to explain it all is unbelievable.
2..what if mum and stepdad split up and mum changes her name back or gets remarried. She won't have her mum or dad's name.

TryAgainAndAgain · 03/02/2018 18:27

Double-barrelling or having one of the surnames A's a middle name seems a good option

TwitterQueen1 · 03/02/2018 18:27

Have you asked your DD if this is what she wants? Are you sure she's not doing it because it's easier for her mum? And it's actually her mum's idea?

TBH, I would refuse. I completely understand how hurtful this must be to you (though even if it is DD's wish I don't think she is being deliberately malicious). I would explain to her that she is your daughter and you're proud of her and you want everyone to know that you are her dad.

Vangoghsear · 03/02/2018 18:28

I would say no. She is your daughter and has your name. Presumably if she still wants to change her name she can do so without your consent when she is older. Being an involved, caring, responsible Dad does not mean you have to agree to everything she asks.

Trilllllian · 03/02/2018 18:34

Totally understandable for her but I think I would feel a bit sick if I was you - it’s pretty visceral

I’m a mum and my 3 DCs have my DPs name (as with many of our friends) and I don’t worry about it at all -

jeanne16 · 03/02/2018 18:35

I think you should tell her how hurt you would be. It may not have occurred to her.