I am UR regarding DD, I know I am. WWYD?

[OnlyOneGirl]

Sorry to post on a mums site, didn't know where else to ask.

I am a dad to an 13 year old girl, DD. I split from her mum when she was 3 because ex wanted more children and I didn't. DD lives with her mum round the corner, Stepdad who I get on well with and her 3 siblings. Ex and I co-parent well, I pay £100 above CMS rates, half her school uniform, all her clothes for my house (which get swapped between houses anyway), half school trips etc. I also pay for her phone contract. I attend all school related events. i see DD every other weekend and 2-3 times in the week depending on what she's doing/where she wants to be. I also take her away on holiday for 2 weeks at Easter (she goes with her mum, SD and siblings in the summer so I don't interfere or try and plan it for then). She can easily walk between our houses and will often pop in to "pick something up" from her room here. I'd say we have a great relationship, I text her between visits and she knows I'm always here if she needs me.

DD has come to me today and asked for me to sign the forms so she can have the same surname as her mum, stepdad and siblings. She still wants to see me and spend time with me, still wants me in her life. She calls her Stepdad by his first name so he's not trying to take over, he's actually a really lovely guy and we get on great.

I am crushed. Part of me wants to say no. But I don't want to push her away. She currently has my surname, as ex and I married before I was married and ex took my name before she married her current husband whose name she now has.

Oh god I sound so selfish don't I? I don't want people assuming her Stepdad is her father, I am her dad, and always will be.

WWYD? Say yes and sign? Or say no?

This is such a highly charged subject, I am not surprised you feel hurt

My mother changed my name to my SD's when I was about 7. Just mine, not my older siblings'. She didn't do it legally either, just started using it for school/doctor/other things and it became my new name without me or my father having any say over it. She also made us call SD "Dad". My older sister protested that we already had a dad, and Mum decided we could call them "Home Dad" and "Abroad Dad" (my father went to work in the Middle East after the divorce). My father was absolutely gutted. We felt awful. It was all wrong. And it caused a big headache for me later on, trying to get a passport etc with my school and medical records in one name and my birth certificate in another. I remember SD standing in the doorway of my bedroom with the forms for my national insurance card when I was 15, demanding "which surname do you want me to put on this?"

The best thing about what's happening with your dd is that she is talking to you about it, and I think you should be totally honest with her about how it makes you feel. Gentle, but honest. You have a close relationship with her and you feel that having your surname is part of your bond with her - she may not have considered this, as you have always been there and she takes the relationship for granted (which is a good thing!)

You sound like a lovely dad. Dads are very welcome on MN

She can use any name she wants without changing it officially. I would suggest delaying signing forms until she is a bit older, but let her be known by her mum's name at school, doctor's etc for the time being.

You sound like a lovely dad. And it’s great that you and your ex are on such good terms and can co-parent successfully.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset about this. It sounds to me as if thinking it over and then getting together to talk about it face to face is a sensible approach. Obviously wait and see what your DD says about her reasons for wanting to change it, but I think it’s 100% about wanting to fit in with the family she lives with, and I don’t think she’s thought through the implications for her sense of identity and her link with you and your family. FWIW I think double barrelling could be a good solution, that way she isn’t replacing your name but adding to it. She could consider having two surnames without a hyphen, which gives her more flexibility and she could drop one surname for everyday use (but would still have two officially eg on passport, bank accounts etc).

I’d like to share my surname story in case it’s helpful to you and your DD. My parents weren’t married when I was born and gave me both surnames, no hyphen. After they separated and my mum later married my stepdad, she changed her surname and her half of my surname to my stepdad’s surname. I was younger than your DD at the time and I wanted to change my name to fit in with my mum (especially as I was living with her) but didn’t understand the full implications of changing it. My parents’ separation was not amicable and they weren’t friends or co-parents, but my dad agreed to the name change (which I think he was right to do). I ended up mostly using Mum/stepdad’s name when I was with them and dad’s name when I was with him. It was a bit strange really as I felt as if I had two identities. But it’s how I coped with having separated parents - and being with each of them was very different so in a way using different names reflected my different lives.
Anyway, when I went to university I started using both surnames, and since it also coincided with having my own place (even it if was just student digs) rather than living with Mum or with Dad, i guess it was kind of appropriate that my two identities merged into one. When I was at school I was embarrassed about having two surnames as it made me different, but now I’m older and wiser (and a feminist) I’m glad I have a name from each parent.
In the end, my mum and stepdad actually got divorced, so I wish my mum had never changed our names, as I’d much prefer to have her original name than my stepdad’s one. But in your situation there isn’t much you can do or say about that particular possibility! If your ex has already taken her husband’s name then that ship has sailed!

That's interesting insight AnotherEmma. I'm separated from my husband and now really glad that we kept our own surnames and double barrelled for DC. It seems fitting for our family set up now.
Its sad to think of a young you switching names. Although I guess it shows the drive to adapt. Children are impressive.

No would be the answer. She's your daughter and has your name. Explain to her that she can do as she pleases when she's older. A thirteen year old wanting to stand out imo.

I wish my sons fathers were half as bothered and on the ball as you are.

My boys all have my surname as they have different fathers. Only the youngest has felt strongly about having his dads surname and he is a 'known as' in School. For travel reasons etc I find it easier.

shouldbe
Thank you. Tbh it’s one of the reasons I feel strongly that women shouldn’t change their names and should give their names to their children. I think it would make it easier for children of separated/divorced parents to have a stable sense of identity and belonging.

I would try not to take it personally, she is probably just feeling left out being the only one in the house with a different name and wants the same name as her mum, which is understandable.

Personally I don't think names are important at all, what's important is your relationship with your daughter.

I am getting married next year and will keep my surname, we have 1 DD who has OHs surname and one on the way who will prob take his name too simply because it has a better ring to it with our chosen first name!! But I have more of an issue taking a man's name than having a different name to my kids.

I understand you will feel sore about it but I don't think someone your daughters age would necessarily have a full understanding of how this would upset you and probably just wants to fit in. (When I look back at some of the insensitive things I did to my parents without realising as a teenage girl I think oh god what an insesitive brat!)

If she is adamant about changing, you could double-barrel with her new name so that you still share a name with her. I know of a situation where the DM and her 2nd DH both double-barrelled with ex's surname, so that they had one name in common with her DC (I think her DH is amazing to have done that).

I'm going against the grain here but I'd tell her no - absolutely no way. She can change her name when she's over 18 but until then, she keeps your name. I wouldn't even discuss it with her TBH.

I would ask her to add Step-name as a new last name, i.e., Rebecca Anne [Your name] [New name]. That way she doesn't diminish you while acknowledging her step-dad. Be flexible...

I would be upset too.
Maybe ask her if it needs to be now? Would she wait a few years?

You sound lovely and sounds like you have a great relationship with your dd and ex.

Lots of men post on Mumsnet so don’t apologise.

I would say no too and tell her to think about it more and if when she is 18 she still wants to then she should do it. My mum kept telling me to change my name when I was younger so that we would be a family and I am so happy that my dad said no.

Support her and let her, she may want to change back in future years or become Mrs boyfriend if she marries. Lots of women do change their surnames as they marry, it's no big deal really as someone who has changed it- it's a name and tradition, blah. It's what's in your heart not what's on a bit of paper that counts. I can understand how and why it's made you feel sad, but she's trying to fit in rather than rejecting you.

Why don’t you tell her it’s quite a shock for you and you need some time to adjust?

I can understand why you feel hurt. It’s probably nothing against you, more so she has the same family name as the rest of her siblings. Also, if step dad has been in her life for a significant time, then that’s why his name is important too.

Why don’t you tag it on the end, so she does’t loose your name, but has both.

You sound like you have a great arrangement.

I would encourage her to wait until she is a bit older to make such a decision. Maybe 18? She may regret the name change once she’s living away from home and it doesn’t seem so important to have the same last name as her siblings.
It’s a bit of a pain having changed your name by deed poll to be honest. I have a birth certificate with my mothers maiden surname yet every single other piece of ID I have has my stepfathers surname. I have to dig out the deed poll every time I submit any official forms and try to explain succinctly in limited space why my name has changed. I intend to change my name when I marry too which will be even more inconvenient

I had a couple of weeks of sheer panic when I needed a new passport a few years ago and realised that my name on my birth certificate, wedding certificate and original passport didn’t match. But in the end all I needed to do was sign a stat dec that I was the same person.

I can see why you would feel hurt. It must feel like betrayal. But I doubt your girl has any sense of that.

I too would be stalling for time before making any legal change, but consider letting her experiment on social media and/or at school or other venues. Remind her that you love her, but that you know that it’s not uncommon for people to change surnames - her mother has at least twice - and the name she uses doesn’t have to be forever. She knows you are her father, because you are physically there in a way that many fathers who technically live with their children are not. As a poster above said, she’s clear enough that you love her that she is comfortable to ask you.

Is your surname something a teenager could get picked on about at school?

I remember 2 girls having to change their surnames to their mums when they got to secondary. One of them was a rude word the other only sounded like a rude word

I would say no. I used my step dad's surname in school and at the doctor, but did not legally change it. If she was my child she would be keeping my name until she was old enough to legally do it herself, by then I doubt she would be bothered do it.

Talk to her about it. Is it something she wants or what you ex wants? Could she change it to include both? Tell her you feel sad about it as she is your girl. Could she wait another year and if she is still sure you'll agree regretfully? Another year she might not care.

It would be sad but she'll always be your girl and she may change it if she marries anyway.

You sound like awesome parents. To have your ex on side like that is a unfortunately a rarity.

Firstly, you sound like a lovely Dad. Well done on having such a good relationship that she feels she can openly talk to you about this.

Secondly, I think you should let her because it’s awful for kids to not fit in at home with their parents and siblings with a name. My Dad ended up being the only one in his house growing up with a different surname and he found it really upsetting. So much so that he used to sometimes as a small child say his name was his step fathers just to avoid being mocked or having fun poked at him. I know that it would have given him a much happier adolescence to have had the same name as his siblings and Mum.

It's a surname. It cannot take away your genes nor relationship. It is also an imposed patriarchal construct .