I am UR regarding DD, I know I am. WWYD?

[OnlyOneGirl]

Sorry to post on a mums site, didn't know where else to ask.

I am a dad to an 13 year old girl, DD. I split from her mum when she was 3 because ex wanted more children and I didn't. DD lives with her mum round the corner, Stepdad who I get on well with and her 3 siblings. Ex and I co-parent well, I pay £100 above CMS rates, half her school uniform, all her clothes for my house (which get swapped between houses anyway), half school trips etc. I also pay for her phone contract. I attend all school related events. i see DD every other weekend and 2-3 times in the week depending on what she's doing/where she wants to be. I also take her away on holiday for 2 weeks at Easter (she goes with her mum, SD and siblings in the summer so I don't interfere or try and plan it for then). She can easily walk between our houses and will often pop in to "pick something up" from her room here. I'd say we have a great relationship, I text her between visits and she knows I'm always here if she needs me.

DD has come to me today and asked for me to sign the forms so she can have the same surname as her mum, stepdad and siblings. She still wants to see me and spend time with me, still wants me in her life. She calls her Stepdad by his first name so he's not trying to take over, he's actually a really lovely guy and we get on great.

I am crushed. Part of me wants to say no. But I don't want to push her away. She currently has my surname, as ex and I married before I was married and ex took my name before she married her current husband whose name she now has.

Oh god I sound so selfish don't I? I don't want people assuming her Stepdad is her father, I am her dad, and always will be.

WWYD? Say yes and sign? Or say no?

Sorry I see you are getting more info later.

Oh God that must hurt and you sound like a great Dad.

You already know you have to do what is best for her. I think this is a massive decision for her to be allowed to make at her age. Can you talk to her mum and agree that if she still wants to do it in a year then she can? So she will feel listened to, but not be committed to such a big change so young and so suddenly.

But if she still wants to in a year then I think she gets to do it. Tough on you though it is.

Remember, if she gets married she will change her name then. And what counts is that she loves you and you have a great relationship.

I'm sure her mums not behind this at all. In the 10 years we've been split there's been no mention from ex about DD changing her name.

if she goes for a none legal known as name, all of her gcse certificates will be in the legal name not the name she is known as.

I didn't get around to changing mine by deed poll for years after changing my known as name and it did cause some issues years fown the line (being vauge about what on purpose).

I'm married, we have a grown up son together. I didn't change my name which was a bit unusual 28 years ago. My husband really wanted our son to take his name and I agreed probably because I went against the tide by not taking his. We gave our son my name as a middle name (not double barreled-sp?) So I have a son who has a different name to mine which confused people when he was younger and sometimes jarred with me. I think I get where your hurt comes from (not that your hurt needs validated by anyone) and you sound like a great dad and a strong man who stands up for his daughter and what she believes in. I think you'll probably sign because that's what she wants, but it will be hard for you not to take this personally. Perhaps you could ask her for your sake to use your name as a middle name? Good luck.

as a teen i toyed with the idea of taking my stepfather's name, a friend suggested it.
my dm suggested my df would be hurt, so i took it no further.

i am sorry you feel hurt. it is understandable.

My DD uses our family name unless filling in official forms etc. School rang me up when she was in year 4 as she suddenly started using our name and not her birth name! News to us.

Ex had already said no way can she change it, but I do understand that he wouldn't want it but then again he does have Narcissistic Personality disorder . Hence divorced!

DD now still uses our name at school on the section where it says 'what do you want to be called' and everything that is not official. I think she likes to confuse people!! DS is 14. When visits her other father which is very rare now.

Ironically we had a really awkward time when we went came back from France as all 6 of our passports said our name but DD said her birth name. Actually had to take birth certificate and my marriage certificate copies!!!

I had the same thing with my 3 except their bio dad is an utter arse who doesn’t do any parenting. I said this isn’t really a decision I want them to make yet and if they still wanted to when they were 16 they could. Out of the 2 over that age only 1 has done it now as an adult. My youngest is having to wait (he’s 11). You don’t have to sign but you can give a point in the future. She may change her mind.

I understand it must be crushing for you.

OP what is in a name? She is still your DD and always will be . You are very lucky that you are still so involved in her life . She sounds a beautiful child don't let something like this spoil your relationship , it is just a piece of paper. If she gets married she may change it then anyway. You will still be the one, proudly walking her down the aisle. Good luck my dear.

My dc both asked to change their names to my maiden name years ago (don't see their dad who chooses not to see or contact them). I asked them to wait for a year and see if they still wanted to change it. They did , so became 'known as' my maiden name (the name I went back to). Now at 16 one dc is legally changing to the known as name without my XHs knowledge or consent.
It's easier in Scotland as you don't need to do it hy deed poll.

Oh op that must be a kick to the nuts.

I'd ask if she'd consider double barrelling the names. Say you love sharing a name with her but also understand she'd like to share her Mum and siblings names too.

Could you ask her if she’d keep your surname as a last middle name? That way it’s still part of her identity, just not on show all the time. And it won’t change on marriage.

Don't feel you have to agree. There are lots of things to consider.

This happened to my OH. His DCs were approaching secondary school. A couple of differences: his exW asked him and said the DCs wanted her surname and that changing before secondary school was a good time. He has a good and loving relationship with his DCs but because they live approx 70 miles apart he doesn't see them during the week.

He was very hurt by the request. He said to me it felt like he was being erased. But since he always tries to support his DCs he was determined to consider it.

It sounds like you are handling this very well so far. My OH did too.

He had a calm conversation with each DC (separately) to find out how much they wanted the change, the reasons why, what they thought would be different if they changed (e.g. when and where) and specifically asked how upset they would feel if he didn't agree at this point in time.

It turned out that neither DC felt strongly. They said they didn't really mind if he said no. The elder DC said they liked the idea of sharing the same name as their mum - it seemed sensible to them at their age. And they thought it would make life easier for her when they travelled on holidays (because they knew she had to carry birth certificates etc to prove their relationship). The younger DC said that he just thought it would be simpler to share his DM's name because he lived with her. They also they said that they didn't have a problem with OH's surname (it sounded fine and they were used to it). It was also clear that it hadn't occurred to them how their DF might feel. (He was able to gently explain). In the end my OH said that he thought it wasn't the right time or right age and he would prefer that they didn't. He said they were welcome to ask again if they felt more strongly about it in future and they could always change when they reached 18. The issue went away after that. They don't seem at all bothered and actually seem very comfortable with OH's surname (e.g. refer to themselves by it). ExW accepted his answer too; didn't bring it up again. Since OH supports their preferences whenever he can, it seems that DCs understood it must be important to him.

I'm guessing she feels like the odd one out when she's with her DM's new family. She mightn't have realised that sharing a name with her half sibs isn't going to 'fix' something. And she may not have realised it would feel like rejection to you (and your family). If she feels strongly nevertheless, double barrelling might be a good way forwards.

I wanted to change my name to my mum’s maiden name as a teenager (separated parents, they never married), but by the time I got married at 29 I was so attached to my name I didn’t change it.

I would say you’re happy with her experimenting with using her other name but would like to wait a year (or until 16) before sing it legally. Make it clear you would support her either way.

I would say double-barrelled is the way to go. Your name is kept and she also feels connected to her siblings and SD. Best of both worlds, and very common these days. I think your feelings about wanting to keep a publicly acknowledged connection to your DD through your surname are valid and very understandable.

I should think that being one member of a family of 6 with a different surname is uncomfortable for her. 5 of them and 1 of her. I expect she wants to feel as though she is a full and equal member of that family rather than the kid who doesn’t live there all the time and has a different name.

I’d have a chat with her and if that’s the reason let her do it.

I think you and your ex need to sit down and speak to your DD together to find out what is behind the wish. It could be that she genuinely wants to change her name to be the same as them, but it could be that one of the other kids has said something, or that she's got an idea in her head for something.

When I changed my first name (my parents gave me a ludicrous one) my grandparents insisted I live "known as" for six months before we did it officially. That would be a good way for her to be sure that she is happy changing her name.

I would allow it once you know she truly wants it, but I'd ask her to double barrell it. If she doesn't want too then at least she'll always know that you didn't want to just give her name link to you up.

Also try not to be too heavy on the "Not having the same name means no link" to you - she's not had her Mum's name for a long time by the sounds of it so that could make the situation much worse.

I would also be upset. I think you should tell her how it makes you feel and ask her to reconsider. A PP suggested maybe a double barrelled name - I guess that could be a last resort.

Also, I don't think it will drive her away if you ask her to reconsider or indeed say no.

Personally, I’d say no and explain why. Ask her to wait until she’s an adult and if she still feels the same, she can legally change it then without your consent.

A compromise could be that she retains her legal name, but add’s her SD’s name before or after your surname and becomes ‘known as’. We have a number of children in my school who are known as different names.

I’d feel awful in your position especially when you sound like a great and hands on Dad. I’d talk to my ex about it but I would definitely explain that i was hurt (you can tell
This to 13 yos, they are never going to think about their parents feelings otherwise!) and I’d ask dd how long she had been thinking about this. I think it’s a decision I’d expect a 13 yo to have to hold for a while before parents should agree, not a spur of the moment thing.

You sound a great dad.
Other posters on here have great advice and actual experience of this situation. I know nothing but what is in my heart.
I was pretty self-obsessed at 13, who isn't? I look back at things I said to my Dad at that age with shame. (He died when I was 18).
Go down the double-barrelled route. No passport issues when you want to whisk her away for her 18th to New York!
(And you can show her this thread so she knows how much you cared about getting it right)

It may sting but if she wants to do it enough to ask you then I would let her. All these people saying it's a pain, its not often it needs to be shown and it's 1 extra document that's kept with birth certificate and done with it.

Tbh names don't mean anything it's the effort you put in that matters and it sounds like you are great on that front.

My DH changed his name by deed poll to that of his stepdad's, as he didn't really have a relationship with his dad. But then his mum died, and stepdad met someone else so DH was left without either man in his life. It's such a faff to change back as DH runs a business and when he rebuilt his relationship with his natural father, it was something his dad was really upset about. It's something that DH has spent a lifetime regretting. He was 16 at the time.
I'd be very careful about agreeing to anything...... she's very young and while I get that she wants the same surname as her mum, what happens if mum and stepdad split? She is your daughter, not this man's but you need to explain your reasons to her so she understands why you're thinking this way. Could she double-barrel?

Tell her how you feel. Ask her to take some time to think about it. Her name doesn't just link you to you, but to all your family.

Ah op I'm sorry, that must be rough. Whatever you decide it's ok for you to feel hurt.