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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am UR regarding DD, I know I am. WWYD?

151 replies

OnlyOneGirl · 03/02/2018 18:11

Sorry to post on a mums site, didn't know where else to ask.

I am a dad to an 13 year old girl, DD. I split from her mum when she was 3 because ex wanted more children and I didn't. DD lives with her mum round the corner, Stepdad who I get on well with and her 3 siblings. Ex and I co-parent well, I pay £100 above CMS rates, half her school uniform, all her clothes for my house (which get swapped between houses anyway), half school trips etc. I also pay for her phone contract. I attend all school related events. i see DD every other weekend and 2-3 times in the week depending on what she's doing/where she wants to be. I also take her away on holiday for 2 weeks at Easter (she goes with her mum, SD and siblings in the summer so I don't interfere or try and plan it for then). She can easily walk between our houses and will often pop in to "pick something up" from her room here. I'd say we have a great relationship, I text her between visits and she knows I'm always here if she needs me.

DD has come to me today and asked for me to sign the forms so she can have the same surname as her mum, stepdad and siblings. She still wants to see me and spend time with me, still wants me in her life. She calls her Stepdad by his first name so he's not trying to take over, he's actually a really lovely guy and we get on great.

I am crushed. Part of me wants to say no. But I don't want to push her away. She currently has my surname, as ex and I married before I was married and ex took my name before she married her current husband whose name she now has.

Oh god I sound so selfish don't I? I don't want people assuming her Stepdad is her father, I am her dad, and always will be.

WWYD? Say yes and sign? Or say no?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 03/02/2018 18:35

Wanted to add to my comments following @GhostWriter666 post.
My friend had a son from an earlier relationship when she met her husband. They married and had two more children. She persuaded her first son's father (somewhat against his wishes) to agree to change son's name to the husbands. Roll on 5 years and the husband fucked off (we had all thought he was "a lovely guy" until then) and won't have anything to do with any of the kids and they are all lumbered with his name including the poor lad who wasn't even related to him. Friend massively regrets it and son hates it.

Original poster
OnlyOneGirl · 03/02/2018 18:36

I'm sure this is coming from DD and not my ex. Ex kept my surname until she remarried then changed her name to her new husbands. Ex also promised me she'd never expect DD to change her surname. We were friends even after we split up, it was just unfortunate that she wanted more children and I didn't.

I did ask why and she said she wanted to be like her sisters and brother. They're 7, 8 and 10 years younger than her but she is close to them.

Will definitely talk to her more tomorrow about it. Stepdads surname is more common than mine, but mines not rare or unheard of. Double barrelling may work but it might be long, my surname is 6 letters, SDs is 8 letters.

OP posts:
rockshandy · 03/02/2018 18:38

My eldest daughter is 9 and is in the sane situation as your DD. She wants to have the same surname as her only sibling. But, understandably her Dad doesn't like that idea and so far refuses to agree.

It is a tough one but at the end of the day, it is your DD who has to live her life between two families and deal with all that goes along with that. It is her name and in a few years she will be able to change it regardless of what you think, so maybe you need to try to reconcile yourself with it now.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 03/02/2018 18:39

You talk very kindly of your DD's stepdad which is great, but really he and your ex should have vetoed this. I would in either of their shoes as it's undoubtedly going to cause hurt and is not really necessary. They will be far more aware of this than DD as 13 year olds can be pretty oblivious. I also agree that explaining your feelings and then saying "if you still feel the same this time next year..." as a decision like this should be given proper breathing space.

ChasedByBees · 03/02/2018 18:41

Has she given a reason why? It would complicate things for her legally, not to mention the emotional aspects of a name.

monkeywithacowface · 03/02/2018 18:41

I would tell her how you feel about it and say that you need some time to think about it. If she's old enough to make this decision then she's old enough to know how it impacts others. I think agreeing to a double barrel name would be a reasonable compromise

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2018 18:41

I think I would explain part of her identity is being your dd, having your name and that’s important to you. Talk it through ask her why she feels it is so important. You don’t have to say yes or no. If you do say yes, I’d insist on double barrelling.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 03/02/2018 18:41

My old surname was double barrelled, 6 and 6. It was great. Everyone assumed I was dead posh (I'm not) and it stood out/was memorable. Push for that if it looks like a change is inevitable.

AtseneGatnalp · 03/02/2018 18:42

You sound like such a lovely dad. It must be very hard for you - my DC (similar ages to your DD) have my surname, and I'd be a bit gutted if they decided they wanted to take XH's surname. However, I'd have to let them do it, if that's what they wanted. Regardless of what your DD chooses to use as a surname, she's lucky to have such a devoted dad (and mum, by the sounds of it). That's worth more than any name.

LaDilettante · 03/02/2018 18:43

It could be because she’s the only one with a different name from her mum and her three siblings? Adolescence is a tricky time.you kind of want to conform and break away from everybody at the same time.

In any event, you should try to speak to her and listen to her reasons for wanting to change her name. If she’s not 100% adamant she wants to do it, you could ask her to give it a year before she makes a final decision. It might also be an idea to get your ex-wife’s opinion as you seem to have a good relationship with her.

Lastly I understand why you’re upset but it sounds like you’re making a good job of parenting her and being present in her life. Don’t worry she knows who her dad is :-)

FreshStartToday · 03/02/2018 18:44

Having your surname as an extra middle name is a good solution, if double barrelling doesn't work, allowing her to keep all of her identities and having a name which describes her.

Yy to you sounding like a great dad! Best of luck

Trailedanderror · 03/02/2018 18:46

Weird suggestion but might changing it on Facebook be enough? I've noticed lots of people have names which are recognisably them, but not them iyswim

NathanBarley · 03/02/2018 18:47

She doesn't actually need you to sign a form at all, technically, your permission is not required as it's perfectly legal to change your name without a deed poll or any official form (I did when I was a teenager and all my documents are in the new name).

I would accede for now, she may well change her mind when she gets older anyway.

Memom · 03/02/2018 18:47

I would explain calmly that you are a little upset by the idea and that you don't want your relationship to change/suffer for any change. If double barrel name won't work (and some just don't) then ask her to think about it for a given time, and you do the same. Hope you can talk it through.

Original poster
OnlyOneGirl · 03/02/2018 18:48

I'm not sure how to highlight so sorry if I miss anyone.

Trailed, I will suggest that I don't know whether she'd like that idea.

I do try my best to be a good dad, she's the most important person in my life.

OP posts:
Bramble71 · 03/02/2018 18:52

I can understand why you feel so upset. Nowadays, though, in the days of blended families it isn't uncommon for there to be different names and I don't imagine it causes many issues at all.

Have you spoken to your daughter to explain how sad it has made you feel? If she's old enough to have asked, she's old enough to discuss it fully. It may help you to make a decision. I do feel for you, what an awful thing to have to think about.

cheeseandpineapple · 03/02/2018 18:54

At 13 you just want to blend in and not stand out as different. If she adds step dad’s surname to her name, it’s best of all worlds. Wouldn’t suggest double barrelled but keep your surname as a middle name. It means whether she’s with you or her Mum, there’s a common name on both sides. If she gets married and changes her name to her husband’s, she can still keep your surname as a middle name.

DonkeyOil · 03/02/2018 18:55

Double barrelling may work but it might be long, my surname is 6 letters, SDs is 8 letters.

So something like.....Taylor-Harrison, for example? I think that would sound fine!

TooManyPaws · 03/02/2018 18:56

Do you need a legal form at all? I know here in Scotland you can call yourself what you like as long as it's not for fraudulent purposes. I've known families where the children have been known by a stepfather's name at times (eg a military family, makes life so much easier) while retaining the legal name of birth, changing back as adults. Mind you, marriage name change here just means you acquire another alias rather than changing your legal birth name .... Have a look at whether a non-legal name change is possible, leaving options for the future.

INeedToEat · 03/02/2018 18:57

What a tough desision.

My 12 yr old wanted to take my surname and lose his absent dad's name (hadn't always been absent). As dad didn't have PR I was able to do what I wanted without consultation. I didn't do it. It felt unfair so double barrelled mine with the existing name.

In your situation I think I'd say no - mostly because if the ex and new husband split she wouldn't have either of your names. However, she can change it herself at 16. I think I'd tell her that if at 16 she still wanted it changed that I'd fully support it.

DollyTots · 03/02/2018 18:58

My name was changed by statutory declaration when my mum married my dad (non biological father/absent biological father) when I was 4. I'd never really thought about it but if I didn't have the name of my mother, father & when he came along, brother, I would have felt oddly ostracised. Albeit unintentionally. So I'm glad they did & the name change has never caused me any problems with paperwork/applications etc.

I guess the difference is you are very much a present & loving father. I understand it would hurt. However, I would let her change it to share the same name with her siblings.

She has at some point had your name and that will be part of her identity, trust me. I fondly look back and think I was once 'X', then 'Y' and soon to be 'Z' 😊 Our names are all a part of our journey & this is what she needs for the next stage of hers. It takes nothing away from you.

Original poster
OnlyOneGirl · 03/02/2018 18:58

I'm in England TooManyPaws so not sure if she has to legally change it.

Going to ring Ex tonight once I know her younger children are all in bed. First question will be if she knows about this.

OP posts:
babyccinoo · 03/02/2018 18:59

@2andone

I changed my name to my step dads name when I was 10 as it was easier than explaining (this was 30 years ago, divorce wasn’t as common and kids kept asking me why I had a different name).
It was changed by deed poll not adoption and is a pain in the arse sometimes as I always need my birth certificate and change of name deed when applying for anything and showing my identity!
My dad was really hurt that I asked (we didn’t have a close relationship) and I didn’t hear from him again after he signed the papers it was like he had signed me away.
In hind sight I wish I had never asked as I honestly believe that’s what made me lose contact with him, we have met up a couple of times since (last time was 20 years ago) but things have never been the same.

Please don't beat yourself about this. You were a child, your dad was the adult, it was up to him to try and understand why you wanted to change your name. It doesn't sound like he was a great dad, to abandon his child for such a small thing Flowers

StaplesCorner · 03/02/2018 18:59

I think you are handling it all very well but I also think you are going to ne sorely tested.

As a mum to a 14 and 16 year old 2 girls, I'd say I would ask her to wait until she is 18 before deciding, but be prepared for that option to be rejected - that won't make her special or the centre of attention. I think she is trying to have some control over her life and going about it in the wrong way. As someone said above, what if her mum splits up with current partner?

What has her mum said about it? Is she behind this?

Peeetle · 03/02/2018 18:59

I’d say no, too. She may think she wants that now but may change her mind later. I double-barrelled my dad’s surname with my stepdad’s for a while but am very glad I didn’t change it.

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