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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am UR regarding DD, I know I am. WWYD?

151 replies

OnlyOneGirl · 03/02/2018 18:11

Sorry to post on a mums site, didn't know where else to ask.

I am a dad to an 13 year old girl, DD. I split from her mum when she was 3 because ex wanted more children and I didn't. DD lives with her mum round the corner, Stepdad who I get on well with and her 3 siblings. Ex and I co-parent well, I pay £100 above CMS rates, half her school uniform, all her clothes for my house (which get swapped between houses anyway), half school trips etc. I also pay for her phone contract. I attend all school related events. i see DD every other weekend and 2-3 times in the week depending on what she's doing/where she wants to be. I also take her away on holiday for 2 weeks at Easter (she goes with her mum, SD and siblings in the summer so I don't interfere or try and plan it for then). She can easily walk between our houses and will often pop in to "pick something up" from her room here. I'd say we have a great relationship, I text her between visits and she knows I'm always here if she needs me.

DD has come to me today and asked for me to sign the forms so she can have the same surname as her mum, stepdad and siblings. She still wants to see me and spend time with me, still wants me in her life. She calls her Stepdad by his first name so he's not trying to take over, he's actually a really lovely guy and we get on great.

I am crushed. Part of me wants to say no. But I don't want to push her away. She currently has my surname, as ex and I married before I was married and ex took my name before she married her current husband whose name she now has.

Oh god I sound so selfish don't I? I don't want people assuming her Stepdad is her father, I am her dad, and always will be.

WWYD? Say yes and sign? Or say no?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 03/02/2018 22:22

It's a tough one. If she didn't want to double barrel now perhaps she could have your surname as her middle name so it's still there iykwim

Snowfish · 04/02/2018 04:47

I would say no. I was adopted and my surname was changed when I was a young child. It has been a cause of annoyance my whole life. I understand why it was done - so I wasn't teased as a child, but I wish it hadn't been. I wish I could have kept my dad's surname. Like other posters have said I changed it anyway when I married. I now have two birth certificates and it's really a pita on forms etc that ask for your maiden name. She is only 13 and does not understand the impact that this decision will have on her for the rest of her life

alltheworld · 04/02/2018 05:08

I did this. It really hurt my Dad and I really regret it now. You are not being selfish to feel the way you do. Suggest you get mum and step dad on side to encourage dd to at least wait

Charolais · 04/02/2018 05:41

Don’t sign the forms, she’s too young and explain how hurt you are because she has no idea.

alltheworld · 04/02/2018 05:48

I should add I am a huge feminist and would never change my name on marriage and theoretically don’t think women should automatically take their fathers names but the pain it caused my father is something I have lived to regret

S0upertrooper · 04/02/2018 06:46

@lalalalyra, 'known as' for 6 months is a sensible idea, and I like your point about the daughter has never had her mother's name but is still part of her family. My 24 year old son has never had my name but he's still my son..

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2018 06:48

A pp upthread said you shouldn’t tell her how you feel. I totally disagree. Feelings and love are a two way street. It would actually be unfair not to tell her. There is a big difference between explaining and manipulating. There are indeed certain circumstances where we as parents should hide our feelings from our children but imo this isn’t one of them.

tillytown · 04/02/2018 06:49

Will changing her name make her no longer be your daughter? No. So why make such a drama out if it. It's her name, she can call herself what ever she wants, put your pride aside and accept that

funmummy48 · 04/02/2018 07:00

My daughter did this at 15 as she didn't like being the only child in the family with a different surname. It was done by deed poll and our experience has been that it's not caused any difficulties or hassle "paperwork" wise. It's been very straightforward. Her father and family were all very supportive, after all, she knows whoi she is and where shge comes from. Her family are still her family. ☺

MeAndMyDog · 04/02/2018 07:20

There are indeed certain circumstances where we as parents should hide our feelings from our children but imo this isn’t one of them.

I agree. I think that realizing that we have feelings helps our children understand that we are people.

Your feelings are valid. It's OK to say "no" to something that an adolescent asks for. You will always be in her life, and you will always be her daddy. There's no chance of you changing your last name because you get involved with someone new.

No reason to go changing her name to her step fathers. He may not always be in her life. Her mother may not always have his last name.

Onefootondryland · 04/02/2018 07:49

I think you need to understand her thinking. It may be important to her to know that it matters to you. Agreeing without question might seem reasonable but could be completely the wrong response.

Skarossinkplunger · 04/02/2018 07:59

Definitely refuse. Explain how much she has hurt you and tell her if she still feels the same way when she’s an adult she can change it then.

JustVent · 04/02/2018 08:04

How is “having a deedpoll” a pain in the arse?!
It’s the easiest thing to do. And you change your name with the relevant people (work, doctors etc) in the same way you would if you took a married name.

Becles · 04/02/2018 08:07

I would say no.
I'd also consider if she is in someway testing your commitment to her and reinforce just how much you love her and value being part of her life.

She can change at 16/18 if she still feels the same way.

Original poster
OnlyOneGirl · 04/02/2018 08:49

Hi Everyone, sorry for not responding sooner.

Seems people are split on the idea.

I spoke to my ex last night, she was aware that DD was a bit unsure of her current surname but insisted she did nothing to encourage her to change it. Ex does not want DD to completely change her surname as she understands how hurtful it is to me, we're both going to sit down with her during half term (we felt the issue could wait until then to give thinking time) and talk to her about it, I've told DD I want to think about it for now.

My ex is a lovely woman, we were friends for 10+ years before getting together, got together, married and had DD. We still co-parent well and to be honest we're probably good friends still too, we'd still be together now if it wasn't for ex wanting more children. I 100% believe her when she says she doesn't want DD to completely change her name. We've agreed to discuss double barreling, but neither of us will stop DD if she's adamant she wants SDs surname.

It hurts most because SD has never been a replacement for me. I've stayed within 10 minutes of her mums house and currently live on the next street, she is literally 2 minutes further from her friends at mine. I've taken a stall in my career to be near to my DD. I take her out for meals, bowling, birthday parties etc. we get takeaways together. I drop her at her friends. I look after my exs cat when they go away because that's my childs pet and even if it's not important to me it's important to my DD. I love my DD, and I like having that link to her.

Sorry to type all this here. I'm still a bit upset.

OP posts:
margaritasbythesea · 04/02/2018 09:00

I can understand why you are upset. You could take it as a backhanded compliment - that is, if she didn´t feel so safe with you she would not have asked. I could never have felt comfortable enough with my parents to ask something like that.

Teens and preteens have an vverweening desire to fit in, though and very little ability to see things from another´s point of view.

It sounds like you and your ex with DD would be able to work out a solution you can all stick to even if none of you gets quite what you want right now. I think if you can get to the point where you can explain your upset to your daughter calmly that would be ok, but I know I felt totally and utterly overwhelmed by my own parents´emotions at that age and really offput by them, so while I don´think it´s unacceptable to exlan that you are upset I would tread carefully.

GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 09:06

You realise that nothing you said will actually physically change?

She'll still be there - you'll still have meals and birthday parties she'll still pop round.

When my mum remarried and all my new brothers and sister had his name as he was their father I felt left out and I was 26!

It's just a name - she's a teen and wants to fit in - nothing more

Maybe a pain when you take her away though due to different passports if she won't keep your name as well

Lizzie48 · 04/02/2018 09:59

That would definitely hurt. But it's really good that you're able to discuss this with your ex and talk to your DD about it together. Hope you're all happy with the final decision.

Teenage girls always want so much to fit in. It's understandable she wants to have the same name as her siblings. But you're allowed to have your own feelings about it as you obviously love her very much.

GeorgeTheHamster · 04/02/2018 10:00

Of course you are upset. You're more than entitled to be.

But you know your feelings are different from hers, and hers have to be taken into account to. You will get through this somehow, whatever happens, still having a good relationship with her.

ADishBestEatenCold · 04/02/2018 13:32

"It hurts most because SD has never been a replacement for me."

I can so understand your hurt, OnlyOneGirl, and it sounds as if you and your ExWife are both being marvellous about this (it sounds like you are both pretty marvellous full stop Smile ).

Yes. Definitely take that time to think and, a short while ahead of you both sitting down with DD to discuss it, tell your ExWife your thoughts, what you are willing/unwilling to agree to, and what you are going to say to DD ... just so you're both on the same page.

Whatever you decide to do is up to you, but I wonder if a compromise is the way to go.

If it were me in that situation, the compromise that I would offer would be that my child added his/her stepfather's name as either a Middle name OR as part of a two part Surname.
So, for example, I'd offer either [Forenames] Mary Jane Smith [Surnames] Jones, OR [Forenames] Mary Jane [Surnames] Smith Jones (I'm not a fan of hyphenated surnames, but you may be) and I would let my child chose which of my chosen compromises to go with.

Above all, however, I think it is okay ... in fact, I think it is very important ... to tell your DD how you feel and why you sought a compromise.

Fine to tell her that you do not want her to be in any way hurt or upset, which was one reason why you sought a compromise to offer her.
Fine to tell her that you were a little hurt and concerned, which was another reason why you sought a compromise to offer her.
Tell her that you understand that she didn't want to hurt you, and that she would be exactly the same, but explain that in the adult world there may well be small differences, little changes in dynamics, which was another reason why you sought a compromise to offer her.

Good luck, OP. You sound like exactly the sort of family who will find a happy outcome for all!

Originalfoogirl · 04/02/2018 13:35

I love my DD, and I like having that link to her.

She loves you and wants something different. You are the grown up and you have absolutely no good reason to deny this except your fragile emotions.

That is NEVER a good reason to deny a child something they want and which will do them absolutely no harm at all.

If you do remarry, would you be hurt and upset if your wife kept her own name? You can't control what another person calls themselves, they own their identity.

VileyRose · 04/02/2018 13:35

I would do it. It happened to Me,I just wanted to have the same name as my siblings.

BrendasUmbrella · 04/02/2018 18:39

However much she loves you, it might be isolating to be in a family of 6 and have the only different name.

Remember you can give her things she can't get easily in her other family - peace and quiet, guaranteed one on one time, and more grown up activities and trips. As her siblings grow up, she'll value those things more and more!

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/02/2018 19:00

I would suggest she waits until she is 16 and then revisits the idea. 13 is a weird age when all you want to do is fit in.
If she is mega serious you may need to reconsider at that point. Does she know how upsetting this is for You?

SockUnicorn · 04/02/2018 19:11

@onlyonegirl you are lovely and i'm sorry this is happening