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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am UR regarding DD, I know I am. WWYD?

151 replies

OnlyOneGirl · 03/02/2018 18:11

Sorry to post on a mums site, didn't know where else to ask.

I am a dad to an 13 year old girl, DD. I split from her mum when she was 3 because ex wanted more children and I didn't. DD lives with her mum round the corner, Stepdad who I get on well with and her 3 siblings. Ex and I co-parent well, I pay £100 above CMS rates, half her school uniform, all her clothes for my house (which get swapped between houses anyway), half school trips etc. I also pay for her phone contract. I attend all school related events. i see DD every other weekend and 2-3 times in the week depending on what she's doing/where she wants to be. I also take her away on holiday for 2 weeks at Easter (she goes with her mum, SD and siblings in the summer so I don't interfere or try and plan it for then). She can easily walk between our houses and will often pop in to "pick something up" from her room here. I'd say we have a great relationship, I text her between visits and she knows I'm always here if she needs me.

DD has come to me today and asked for me to sign the forms so she can have the same surname as her mum, stepdad and siblings. She still wants to see me and spend time with me, still wants me in her life. She calls her Stepdad by his first name so he's not trying to take over, he's actually a really lovely guy and we get on great.

I am crushed. Part of me wants to say no. But I don't want to push her away. She currently has my surname, as ex and I married before I was married and ex took my name before she married her current husband whose name she now has.

Oh god I sound so selfish don't I? I don't want people assuming her Stepdad is her father, I am her dad, and always will be.

WWYD? Say yes and sign? Or say no?

OP posts:
ScouseAT · 03/02/2018 19:26

Understand your pain but she’s not doing it to hurt you, she’s asked so that she is the same as everyone else in her household, which you can understand. I think the best you can do is tell her that you love her and will always be her dad no matter what she calls herself and sign the forms. I have a different name from my children but it doesn’t stop me being their mum.

PurpleTraitor · 03/02/2018 19:28

I’m going with it’s her name, she can have what she likes. And yeah I know technically you can stop her because she is under 18 but you know she can just begin a ‘known as’ until deed poll at 18 if you do. So she can have whatever name she wants.

It’s really, not up to you.

Bringonspring · 03/02/2018 19:28

Completely different point, but wow you sound like a great father.

Bettercallsaul1 · 03/02/2018 19:29

She is a full and equal member of her Mum and step-Dad's family but she also has a very loving and involved father who lives nearby and plays a full part in her life. She not only spends days, weekends and holidays with him but also pops round to his house (her other home) whenever she likes so their contact is more or less continuous. She isn't exactly the same as her siblings and leads a different kind of life - and not necessarily an inferior one as her father is such a positive influence. It seems to me reasonable to have this different but equal situation reflected in a different (but similar) double-barrelled name. I think it would be very reasonable for the OP to try to gently persuade his DD to this way of thinking. She can do what she wants in a few years anyway, when she's eighteen, but by then she may well have changed her mind.

Angie169 · 03/02/2018 19:29

you sound like you are been a great dad and nothing should change that , you could go a number of different ways , let her take his name / keep your name / go for a double barrel name / step dad could formally adopt her and give his name to her / she could just use his name for now but not make anything official and then at 18 ( when she needs it for more official paper work ) she would have a better idea of what she wants.
good luck with helping her to make the best decision for her.
Most importantly do not let the out come change your relationship.

Coyoacan · 03/02/2018 19:29

I have read all the replies here, OP, but teenagers are really challenging and I think you are getting off lightly if this is all she rebels in. If you accept this without kicking up a fuss you will get a lot of kudos from your dd that will help your relationship in the future.

Notevilstepmother · 03/02/2018 19:30

I was going to suggest you speak to her mum, but I see you are doing that anyway. I suggest you say to her that you need time to think about it. See if it’s just an idea that’s popped in her head and will be forgotten, or if she is really serious about it. Even if she is serious, it’s up to you and her mum to decide. Double barrel does seem like a compromise, but I’d suggest his as the middle name and yours as the last name which seems fairer to me.

Also this is a parents site not a mums site. Mostly mums but I think dad’s are welcome too.

GinandGingerBeer · 03/02/2018 19:31

You are very lucky that you are still so involved in her life
Why ‘lucky’ ? Mrsmadevans how insulting. He’s not lucky, he’s just being a parent having a decent relationship with his dd.

I’d be devastated, ‘what’s in a name?’, well a lot! If one of my DC’s said they wanted to take on dhs new wife’s surname I’d be gutted!

Not that he has a new wife, hypothetical granted but even so, there really is a lot in a name when you’ve named that baby yourself.

Blackteadrinker77 · 03/02/2018 19:31

I wouldn't say yes or no.

I would ask for a couple of months to consider it and say that you can't make a decision right now as it has shocked and upset you. Ask her if she realises how much of a problem this can be as she ages, mortgages, getting married etc.

At 13 I think it is a conversation you can have with her.

Notevilstepmother · 03/02/2018 19:33

@Angie169 please be more thoughtful. Step parent adoption is totally utterly inappropriate in this situation.

It’s only really appropriate IMO when the other parent is deceased or permanently not in any contact whatsoever with the child.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/02/2018 19:35

The majority of women end up changing their surnames when they marry anyway. In 20 years it's likely she'll have an entirely different name.

Discuss why she'd like to do it, and if she'd consider double barreling etc, but if she really wants to do it at 13 I'd let her, or she could just do it at 16-18 without asking.

Originalfoogirl · 03/02/2018 19:35

No matter what she is called, she is your daughter. And she has said she still wants that.

She is living with a family but there is something which she feels makes her an outsider. This is massively important to children, and as a teenager it is obviously bothering her. Saying no will risk your relationship with her as she doesn’t understand the intricacies of the adult emotions around this and probably won’t until she is a parent herself.

Be supportive, ask her if you can be involved in it. Maybe even suggest she keeps your surname as a middle name (as my nephew has done) to keep that link and as a compromise. But absolutely don’t say no. It will hurt and isn’t it better to have a daughter who loves and respects you but who has a different name, than a daughter who resents you? It doesn’t matter what other people think. The only two people who need to know you are her father are you and her.

Tistheseason17 · 03/02/2018 19:35

Sounds like you and ex are doing great job jointly praising DD.

I would explain that she could use the , "known as" option for a bit to test drive it and your be happy to support the change.

You'll still be her Dad. She's not erasing you. Teenagers like to fit in.

I would explain the whole carrying around birth cert and deed poll evidence for every form filling exercise and she will likely change it upon marriage. But don't discuss your feelings on it as she may change her mind from guilt and loyalty to you. Then she would resent you.

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2018 19:49

I think you should sit down and talk to her about it, tell her how you feel about it without trying to make her feel guilty (a tough one), she’s old enough to understand why you would rather she kept the name she was given at birth (your sir name). I don’t think you are being selfish at all, you sound like a great dad and of course you want your daughter to have your name (until she gets married).

Mrsmadevans · 03/02/2018 19:53

Gin . Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither

bridgetreilly · 03/02/2018 19:54

Talk to her. Say that it's her choice and you understand that it must be strange being part of a family unit where she's the only one with a different surname. Tell her that you feel proud to have the same surname as her and that it makes you a bit sad to thing you might not in the future. Ask if she might like to keep your surname as part of her name. Have a proper, non-dramatic, conversation. And then give her a week or so to think it over again, and at the end of it, do what she wants.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/02/2018 20:11

it's a pain with the extra paperwork when applying for things

I had my surname changed as a kid, not by deed poll, just literally "this is your name now". I'm in my late 40s and I've never had a problem. Women can change their names several times in a lifetime. As long as I've had something with my original name and current name I'm fine.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/02/2018 20:15

I would explain calmly that you are a little upset by the idea and that you don't want your relationship to change/suffer for any change.

Please don't tell her this. It's emotional blackmail. There is no reason for your relationship to suffer because she has a different last name. If that happened routinely, married women would never see their fathers again! Just stick to facts, not emotions and maybes.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 03/02/2018 20:25

What happens if you let it happen and then she decides you ‘let her go’ without putting up much of a fight? Personally, I would say you support her decision, whatever it is, but that it upsets you and why.

2kidsnopets · 03/02/2018 20:35

OP this must hurt you.
But if it makes you feel any better, my kids don't have my name, OH and I aren't married and we gave the kids his name as double barrelling would have sounded odd.

Is there a possible compromise that she could be known by her stepdads surname for a bit before officially changing so that she's sure it's what she wants?
It's mostly school where her name will be used and our school system has fields for "known name" (the one we use on registers) and "legal name" the one on their documents. A surprising number of students are known by another name than their legal name. It should be simple enough to inform the school to change their info accordingly and send a quick email to her teachers explaining the situation.

MagnaWiles · 03/02/2018 20:36

I would sign, but after saying that it does mean something to you and that you would love her to keep your surname but that it's her choice ultimately.

Just so she knows how you feel, and that you like having her have your surname.

Ultimately though it doesn't matter. Whatever her name is, you will always be her dad and nothing can diminish that relationship. You sound like a really caring good father and that is about more than just sharing the same last name.

2kidsnopets · 03/02/2018 20:37

I meant to say, the fact that they don't have my name doesn't make me any less their mother.
Being her father is about your relationship with her, not about her name.

barefoofdoctor · 03/02/2018 21:08

You sound like an awesome parent with your daughter's best interests at heart. Any chance she could double barrel?

givemesteel · 03/02/2018 22:02

I don't think a 13 year old has the maturity to make that decision. Does she realise that everyone will assume her step dad is her dad, that she has no relationship with her dad or that you've had a massive falling out?

I'm sorry I know that is really hurtful for you. But she will have to do waaaay more explaining if she changes her name to her step dads them just explaining why she has a different name to siblings (hardly unusual in this day and age).

Plus if her mum splits up with step dad it means she shares the surname of a man she's not related to.

I would stall it and say you'll agree to it if she still wants to when she's say 15 or 16. I suspect by then she'll change her mind.

happy2bhomely · 03/02/2018 22:16

I know my situation is different but I wanted to share our story because it is quite unusual I suppose.

We have 5dc. All of them are both of ours biologically. We had 3 of them before we got married and they have my surname with DH's as a middle name. Then we had more dc and they have DH's surname. I kept my name.

So in our family, 4 of us have one name and 3 another. A mix of boys and girls. It makes no difference at all to how any of us feel about each other. We are a family. I don't share a surname with my mum, my nan, my sisters, my nieces or nephews. It doesn't matter.

Would your daughter consider adding the new name rather than using it to replace the original? So she could keep your name as a middle name. Or put her step dad's name in the middle.