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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider three children sharing one room?

364 replies

TabbyTigger · 03/02/2018 11:03

Our current home has 4 bedrooms.

DS is 18 and at University, lives there but comes home to stay overnight probably once a month, plus being home at holidays. He has the tiny box room and always has done.

The attic has two big rooms. Currently one is shared by DD1 (13, nearly 14) and DD2 (12), and the other by DD3 (5) and DD4 (2). The fourth bedroom is obviously ours.

DD5 is due in two weeks (eek!) and I can’t stop thinking about what we’ll do when she’s bigger. Currently, the most viable option seems to be to put her in with DD3 and 4, say when they’re 6, 3, and 1. But the room isn’t huge, so would have to be bunk bed and regular bed (currently it’s just bunk bed), and then have very little space for much other than dresser. WIBU to squeeze the three of them in together for two years, just until DS no longer needs his room? (Then DD3 can move in there, and we’ll be back to just 2 sharing each bigger room). Or should I just take a deep breath in and accept that a move is inevitable? I love this house and where it is so really don’t want to move. I’m probably just overthinking and worrying, I just cant stop wondering about how new baby is going to change our lives!!

OP posts:
Buxbaum · 03/02/2018 11:35

I know a family who have three under-7s in one room but this is the girls' choice for now and they have triple bunks in a large room. There is another bedroom available and they are working on the basis that the eldest will move into that when she is in upper KS2.

I think you need to start looking very seriously into moving, OP. Your reluctance to move is outweighed by your family's need for more space.

Original poster
TabbyTigger · 03/02/2018 11:35

No, I don’t Hugh. But I do think OP is perhaps dismissing how blending families and new babies can be upsetting for children even if they ‘seem’ fine with it. And overcrowding doesn’t help.

Trust me, I don’t dismiss this. DD and DS’s biological father did which is why he no longer plays a part in their lives. I do know my children are happy, because they all spend time with me and talk to me. And my older two DDs are truly the best of friends as well as sisters (they have opted to sit together at lunch before and partner up for netball drills etc). Currently DDs 1, 3, and 4 are happily playing together. I can assure you there is no resentment. A little cropped up from DD1 at the birth of DD3, but it’s been resolved since (and she was only in the process of being adopted by me so was worried we’d stop that/forget, but we didn’t).

I am trying to make my way through suggestions so will try and post an update later! But I’ve got a busy afternoon so it might be a late response! Thank you to the actually helpful people.

Also, regarding finding other topics - I struggle to do this if they’re not in “active threads” (hence why this ended up on AIBU) - where is the larger families forum??

OP posts:
DakotaWest · 03/02/2018 11:36

I don't believe for a minute that anyone is traumatised for sharing a room, but having one room for each family member makes life easier for everybody. If the kids are close in age, they can share everything, but it's must easier if everybody has their own space, they can have friends staying around. it doesn't mean they can't have sleepovers in each other's bedroom, it even makes it more fun.

To answer the question, I think my 4 are an average size family, from 6 kids onwards you start to have a big family. I know a couple with 8 kids, but their house is huge! (so is their car....)

nailsathome · 03/02/2018 11:36

Just seen reread, sorry! Can you split the larger room?

Only1scoop · 03/02/2018 11:37

Think I'd start looking at moving

Worldsworstcook · 03/02/2018 11:40

Words always fail me when I see how critical people can be about straightforward topics.

You're having dd5, congratulations Smile.

Now there's no reason at all the kids can't bunk in together for a while. As a society we have become so judgemental - it's ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with that arrangement at all, they are all girls (hormones in your house will run wild) and in 4 yrs dd1 will fly the nest for uni and you can do jenga then.

I can't believe you're being called selfish for having a baby. Good God!! I'm sure she will be very pampered and mothered.

churro · 03/02/2018 11:41

I shared a room with my two brothers when I was very wee and I only remember it being great fun. It was a very big room though.I don't think my brothers minded sharing with their wee sister too much. When my brother got a bit older and needed his own room my parents started sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room so he could have his own room. We did move to a house with more rooms when were 6, 7 and 10 though but my brothers started sharing again even though they could have had their own rooms. You'll probably have to move eventually but I would just focus on enjoying your new baby and your other children and not put them through the upheaval of moving when there's the change of a new sibling to get used too. They'll be absolutely fine.

Honeycombcrunch · 03/02/2018 11:44

I can't believe how rude people have been to you, OP! Congratulations on your new baby.

If you move, could you afford to get a house with 1 or 2 extra bedrooms, another bathroom and more space downstairs in the same area that you currently live? If you can, that's what I'd suggest as it could easily be quite a few years until the older 3 DCs all move out. With 6 DCs you will need more space than you have now.

BarbaraofSevillle · 03/02/2018 11:44

Expectations on here about housing are ridiculous. If each DC doesn't have their own room, it's considered an unreasonable hardship.

I would try all other options rather than move house when the peak need is likely to be fairly short lived. It's a big upheaval for a couple of years before DS goes to university then possibly moves out permanently.

Baby stays in your room for as long as possible. and then goes in box room. When DS home, they could either share, baby come back in with you, he sleeps on sofa. You don't have a garage or dining room that can be converted to a bedroom do you? Would be cheaper than moving.

Off the wall suggestion that most of Mumsnet will hate: Someone I knew got a caravan for her near adult DS to live in on the driveway when she had twins and the family outgrew their house and they either didn't want to or they couldn't afford to move. He loved it. He had his own space but family were also nearby and it was a workable solution to their problem for them.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/02/2018 11:44

OP you don't have to justify it. There is resentment whenever a new baby is born - it's natural. Parents with kids from more than 1 other parent don't automatically have to justify having more kids any more than parents who have kids with the same person.

toolazytothinkofausername · 03/02/2018 11:44
dangerrabbit · 03/02/2018 11:45

With regards to the different bedtimes, my friend who shared a bedroom with her 2 sisters were all teenagers so went to bed at the same time. Not sure how it might work with different bedtimes and a 5 year difference as you say.

My kids (2 and 6) share a room and go to sleep at different times. In fact dd1 falls asleep before dd2 as dd1 goes to school and dd2 has a nap in the day. We put dd2 to sleep in our room then move her into her bed when she’s gone to sleep. I like the suggestion of putting baby to sleep in your room, you could then move them into the bedroom or keep them in your room.

Megs4x3 · 03/02/2018 11:48

Good heavens - what outstandingly rude responses. People seem to forget that it's only comparatively recently that anyone had any real choice in the size of their families unless they chose to be celibate, and not many did. What if the OP had failed contraception? Would people be as harsh then? What happened to answering the question and keeping the judgements quiet? @TabbyTiger - congratulations on the new baby you will soon welcome. I understand the late-in-the-day panic over space but honestly, they don't make triple bunks for nothing, and your baby will likely be in a cot for up to 2 years anyway. Let the situation evolve and all will be well. I had children sharing with different bedtimes and it worked. It was a good lesson for the older one to understand that they needed to be quiet when they went to bed and not wake an younger, sleeping, sibling. All will be well and I wish you and your family much joy. Larger families have their own special blessings and there are plenty of people who want fewer or none. Each to their own, eh?

doctorboo · 03/02/2018 11:49

We've got three boys (2,4,6) and a two bed flat.

We had the youngest in our room for the first year(ish) and from then they've shared. Their room is big enough for clothes storage and their beds, plus a bit of playing room.

We've got them in a proper bunkbed and a ful single. If we ever had another we would switch the single for a bunkbed. We're here until I'm back in work ft.

hibbledibble · 03/02/2018 11:50

Wow, lots of unhelpful posts

You say the attic has 2 big rooms, so there is akready a loft conversion? Any scope for expanding further.

I assume moving isn't financially viable right now.

The baby will be in with you for at least 6 months, so no need to worry immediately.

It seems a little nonsensical to have a room that is empty for the majority of the month. Can you ask ds about this? Perhaps baby can come back into your room when he visits (use a travel cot for ease of moving)

3 kids in a room could work, but it does depend on the children.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/02/2018 11:50

Also poloniusandlaertes, telling people "don't get pregnant four times" is spectacularly insensitive. If you are projecting issues from your own life then perhaps you need to get some help for that rather than posting horrible things to people online.

yellowutka · 03/02/2018 11:51

Kids share rooms, kids have always shared rooms, I cannot see this being a problem whatsoever, try not to worry about it. And certainly don't worry about the usual idiots on here.

coffeecork · 03/02/2018 11:51

In only four years time your two oldest children will be adults. If you love the house, schools are good etc. I'd keep the baby in with you for this time.

If this doesn't work out, you could consider moving into the box room yourselves (literally just a bed, but adults don't tend to spend much time in their bedroom) and put up a temporary dividing wall in your own room.

nakedscientist · 03/02/2018 11:51

OP congratulations on your pregnancy. I think you sound lovely. So sorry for all the rude replies on here!
I have 5DCs and for about 5 years 4 shared a room mixed sexes too (gasp). They loved the hurly burley of it. We didn't move but rearranged into 2+2+1. When the 4 shared (baby with us) we kept one room as a guest/playroom/sleepover room. Perhaps your DS's room could be multifunctional like this still giving him a space to stay. Our 22 year old is back after UG/PG studies.

Esspee · 03/02/2018 11:52

Just answered another thread saying there are still people around who grew up when whole families lived in one room and shared an outside lavatory with loads of other families. How quickly things change!
Use son's room as study (gradually getting him used to it not being his space). Keep baby in with you for two years. Simple.
Congrats on your pregnancy.

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/02/2018 11:53

"Currently, the most viable option seems to be to put her in with DD3 and 4, say when they’re 6, 3, and 1"

With carefully planned layout and furniture, I think it would be absolutely fine to do that throughout your DS's University years.

Strange question (and possibly irrelevant) but how big is your garden?

I have friends who were in a similar situation to you (family of 6, and 2 x bedrooms + microscopic boxroom), but they had a large village-situated garden. About 15 years between their eldest and youngest, so ... the summer ahead of their eldest DD going to college ... they built her a summerhouse in the garden. Just one room with an en suite, but really robust. More like a little log cabin. Their eldest DD loved it!

poloniusandlaertes · 03/02/2018 11:57

Coffee, that doesn’t mean they should have to instantly leave their family home.

2cats2many · 03/02/2018 11:57

What a bunch of arses at the top of this thread. Just scroll past their judgemental shite OP.

My SIL's children were three to a room until the oldest was 10. And for all the people spitting poison on here, her house was plenty big and they had lots of money, but the children really enjoyed all being together so they had a spare room. They eventuality converted the loft to make the house bigger, but the children have very fond memories of all being together.

nakedscientist · 03/02/2018 11:59

Oh and currently we have 9 and 15 yo sharing. It's fine

As to moving, even with the finances, this is a long process involving jobs, schools and chains! Not to be attempted, if possible, while pregnant or with a new born and 5 other kids!
Hugs

hibbledibble · 03/02/2018 12:00

I also agree that the mumsnet standard that children are enduring untold hardship if they don't have their own room is rediculous.

I have family in eastern Europe. A family of 4 will happily live in a 25m2 1 bedroom flat, it is normal. Children do not suffer from sharing rooms, and the majority worldwide do not have their own room.