Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

Good for you. Will you stop talking long enough to accept a ?

I had someone performance parenting in the toilet cubicle next to mine in ikea last week
Yes that's the toiilet and that's the toilet roll and what colour is the toilet? yes! Well done!
Was awkward, time and a place for the classroom dramatics, a toilet is not one of them.
Talking to kids is good, but pp always do it in ridiculously loud voices, so they piss everyone off everyone can marvel at their parenting skills.

Callaird if you hadn't mentioned me in there I would have called that a total parenting stealth boast.
You do realise you need a few stops at the coop for fishfingers and lambrini, for your child to be balanced and worldly for starting prep school?

Just read it to him whilst he’s sleeping worra he won’t distract your from you monologues then

I talk to my 6mo DS regularly well it's more of a running commentary but it's never loud nor is it for anyone other than me and DS, I know he doesn't understand me (the only word I think he knows is his name!) I just hope he's taking it in but when your on mat leave and don't get much adult conversation this is what happens! I don't think this performance parenting, PP is that mum in Starbucks that has to talk to her baby loudly like the kid is hard of hearing whist looking around smiling searching for some sort of validation but is just irritating everyone.

In all honesty it is a bit of a pointless post because you don't think you are BU. But here's my take on it...
I think it's great to teach your kids and include them etc, but also feel it's important to talk to them about things other than "what colour is this? Do you see that?" etc. It doesn't all have to be learning, learning, learning.
Just things like "it's fun being with you ds. Or " you are being a good boy." just basic convo really.
Also, I kid you not. Talking too much actually does stop kids from learning to speak sometimes. We got told this by a friend. Her ds was slow at speaking and it was because their dd did it all for him and he didn't get the chance. 😂 honest it's true. Maybe sometimes go for that little bit of silence. If I was with someone who talked to me all the time, like you said in your op I'd want to throw them under a bus 😂

Primark - I’m not a mum, I’m a nanny so I’m allowed to show off how clever he is. (Or cringe and try to hide!)

His favourite meal is fish finger, chips, ketchup and mayonnaise. Absolutely no vegetables.

And I may be lowly staff but I haven’t had lambrini since I was a teenager! (Thankfully my boss knows how particular I am to pink Moët and often brings me home a bottle to say thanks for how I encourage him loudly to be such a clever, sophisticated boy!)

These (regular) thread debates always lead me to reminisce through the fog of my children's toddler/ pre-school years. It is a bit foggy due to having 3 children in the course of 4 years.So

I had performance children, constantly telling startled strangers interesting facts about themselves, the world, trains, dinosaurs, child birth or whatever topic currently engaged their interest. Or asking me loud philosophical or deeply personal questions, or informing me how many cows, trees, diggers etc. fhey were passing in the bus, train or on foot. I had only to answer their questions and I felt like a twatty performance parent. You give up caring after a while.

ILove its not literally all of the time I talk. That’s misleading. He has chill time in his buggy. He plays on his own. He plays with other kids at playgroup. I also make comments rather than questions.
My thread came about because of What I have read on other threads, people who have heard parts of another mums conversation with their child and refer to what they have heard as performance parenting. If things like chatting, colours numbers etc are performance parenting (which I have seen people whinge about on here) then I am guilty of it. But I don’t care.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. But the post isn’t pointless as I’m interested in other people’s opinions. But it won’t change my mind.
I also think that if there is such a thing as a parent talking to their child, in a manner to get attention from other adults around them, that it is really quite sad and could be a sign of loneliness or post natal depression. But not many other posters have mentioned this. Which is interesting.

Why would anyone keep referring to a doggy? Isn't it easier for a child to learn the word dog?

also think that if there is such a thing as a parent talking to their child, in a manner to get attention from other adults around them, that it is really quite sad and could be a sign of loneliness or post natal depression

No - it's called showing off.

I’ve never come across the phrase performance parenting till I saw it on here. Tbh if yakking constantly is the measure rather than me pp I think my kids esp the eldest were performance toddlering. Honestly they never shut up

As a childcare practitioner, I see performance parenting every day at drop off and collection time, parents talking to their children so loudly that all the teachers hear how wonderful they are as parents.
It is a thing, it does happen and I do cringe.
If you are quietly and respectfully talking to only your child you are not a performance parent. If you're talking loudly so everyone can hear you, YOU ARE A PERFORMANCE PARENT.
It's really not difficult to understand.

You're really not doing anything special. You're talking to your kid, like millions of parents do every single day all around the world.

Call come and work for me and I will buy you lambrini (my username represents my status)...
Op you are free to keep your opinions as are we. I think your point about PND is odd though because it reiterates your judgement that 'mum isnt in a good place'.
MN performance parenting is not a symptom of mental illness but an action of smugness carried out deliberately to demonstrate superiority. PND does not mean one feels smug. You are referring to a need to demonstrate capability. This is different insofar as that with PND women focus internally on their irrational fears of not being good mother. Performance parents make rational decisions to behave in a certain way to elicit certain, positive judgements from others.
In all honesty I found it interesting that you compare the two as they are totally different. Most women with PND would find the acting that is performance parenting impossible.

Is this a TAAT?? Bold lady???

I also think that if there is such a thing as a parent talking to their child, in a manner to get attention from other adults around them, that it is really quite sad and could be a sign of loneliness or post natal depression.
This is performance parenting. Lonely parents just talk to kids In normal voices.

I do think you have a very ingrained sense of superiority here. You are a working mum. You do all sprts of jobs. You wouldnt dream of using technology for your child. You cannot understand why people want children but dont want to interact with them. On bring criticised for performance parenting younshift the focus to lonely, unhappy mums with pnd. There isnt a good or crap parenting status. Its a spectrum and when i had my pfb i was like you. Mine now ear cheese strings and pepperamis. Chill out. Your child will be fine and learn from the world. You dont need to point everything out and force talk. Your baby can understand you and himself you have done that!. He will speak when he is ready and you are going a good job. As ALL mothers do.

Incorrect primark. Some mums who are lonely/low mood after the birth of a child often overcompensate and act as if everything is perfect. Overly so.
My health visitor said to me (after I apologised about the mess in the house) “it’s the immaculate houses/everything is perfect we sometimes look out for”.

What you're describing is normal parenting, but plenty of people with disagree with this as they're don't really 'parent'.

Not superior either primark.
He looks on iPad games and watches CBeebies when I’m getting things done at home .
But when I’m out I talk to him. For no one else’s benefit. And it’s double use of my time do counting with toddler and shopping. Not me being a martyr, or smug or anything else.
On here if I said he was ahead with his speech and fantastic I’d be smug.
I’m saying he’s struggling and I’m smug.
My point is that talking to your child in public should be looked down upon or sneered at.

But when I’m out I talk to him. For no one else’s benefit

So you're not performance parenting.

My point is that talking to your child in public shouldn't be looked down upon or sneered at.

It isn't. It's when you do it at volume 110 for the benefit of others that it is.

Talk to your children you say? In public even? Is this some kind of new fangled parenting technique that I haven't heard about? I have 5 and it has never occured to me to talk to any of them. Any more tips op?

You'd hate me OP. I offer my child something (loudly) then ignore him. I see he wants something and deliberately dont give it to him. He has commynication delay & following guidance from his therapists i need to withhold the things he wants until he makes an effort to communicate (be that by eye contact/touching me to get his attention/vocalising). Before now i used to talk to him all.the.bloody.time. to the point that he may not have a communication problem but has never had to ask for anything cos i was always a step ahead of him & giving him it. Thats what we are currently trying to work out. Do i get extra mummy points for potentially talking so much to my kid i gave him a communicatiom problem?!?!??!