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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

354 replies

tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 22:34

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

OP posts:

midnightmisssuki · 05/02/2018 14:52

oh dear OP - this is not going well for you at all. You dont understand the meaning of performance parenting, but you seem desperate to try and convince us that what you are doing (normal parenting) is performance parenting and that you are cool with it - and the world can judge you and you dont care. I truly dont think the world cares how you bring up your child - but i think posting about something you clearly know nothing about is quite silly....

Mustang27 · 05/02/2018 14:54

Oh weirdly enough ittakes2 I never wade in when he is at home unless he asks me or shows signs of wanting too I just let him play. He has great imaginative play skills for his age I think that's because of my lack of involvement at home lol Iv always used that time as an excuse to have a brew and sit on mumsnet . I just feel the need when we are out and about to explain things to him. I guess i kind of embarrass myself but I'm pretty socially awkward so it's not hard.

Estellanpip · 05/02/2018 15:02

Well no, because your 'performance parenting' isn't performance parenting.

Glitterspy · 05/02/2018 15:08

There's a massive difference between talking to your child and what some absolute wanker was doing in the library last week - bellowing rather than speaking in an undertone, tickling/kissing/wrestling, just acting like it was his first day out on his own with his kid and he had to prove to all of us around how brilliant a parent he was. All the rest of us just avoided eye contact!

custardcream1988 · 05/02/2018 15:15

There's more to your post then I originally thought.

You mention about your child not going to nursery and about his speech being behind.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but
for me, there's an air of guilt about your post. It's almost like you've posted to convince yourself that you are doing your best by talking to him loads, even though his speech isn't great. I don't know. What made you post?

FrenchJunebug · 05/02/2018 16:44

Op I have been thinking of you over the week-end. What you are doing is not performance parenting. However I was trying to put myself in the head of your toddler: nobody needs to be talked to most of the time, especially not toddler for whom everything in the world is new.

I am not sure what you want us to say to you: yes it's performance parenting so that you can answer 'well I don't care', that it's not but then you seem to take offense to this; that you are doing great work but then not all of us parent the same.

Original poster

tengreenbottlesstanding · 05/02/2018 22:00

I posted because I have seen posters moan on here, or mock people that just sound to me As if they are interacting with their dc in the best way they know how. If you are middle class then you are more likely to be talking about ‘the house in France’.
If you are like me it’s probably count the chocolate buttons or what colours etc( all in English ). But regardless of the content I just don’t get how someone talking to their dc can be labelled as ‘performance parenting’. But if it is a thing, and some posters on this thread have said I sound like I do it (although the majority say not) then I don’t care and I won’t stop, but I do find it annoying and rude for people to moan about it on here.

To the poster who asked, I work so my dm and dmil have ds when I’m working. They do playgroups etc with him.

Just to clarify when I said all the time, I didn’t mean literally all the time. Just a lot.

OP posts:

Estellanpip · 05/02/2018 22:16

Performance parenting is always about the parent and the audience they are performing to. It's never about the child- the child can never get a word in and when they do, that's the cue for the parent to make eye contact and see how impressed everyone is.

Jenna43 · 05/02/2018 22:31

OP You have been told multiple times that talking to your DC is not performance parenting, why are you not addressing this? You are determined to believe that you ARE performance parenting for some strange reason.

MaisyPops · 05/02/2018 22:37

I agree jenna.
The OP seems to really want to claim the 'i performance parent and give precisely zero shits'.

The reality is nobody bats an eyelid with parents talking to children. Nobody cares if there's educational chatter going on (some like me might find it cute depending on context).

People only care if it's insufferably loud and irriatating with a hint of 'look at me'. In which case performance parents are just like people who do loud business calls in cafes/trains - utterly inconsiderate individuals who get on everyone's nerves.

Florallee · 05/02/2018 22:38

Great!

nonfatnofoamlatte · 06/02/2018 06:32

Once again, you are NOT a performance parent, you ARE a regular parent just like all the posters on this thread and I can bet no one even notices when you talk to your son in public. I don't think you like that, though, as you sound a bit needy for attention.

Ansumpasty · 06/02/2018 06:42

You sound like you want to be a performance parent?
You do know that you dont need to talk to your child continually to create a stimulating environment, don't you? Your child needs to internally process things and spend time looking around, too. Your running commentary sounds exhausting and a bit suffocating.

That being said, surely all parents talk to their children and your comments about iPads are very judgey.

Jammycustard · 06/02/2018 07:26

It’s like Groundhog Day on this thread.

TriniRedVelvet · 06/02/2018 09:36

Never mind being a performance parent.... OP is most definitely a performance mumsnet poster.

EggsMilkandFlourPancakePower · 06/02/2018 09:37

I used to talk to my toddlers with my mouth on their cheek so they could feel the shapes I was making. Not every time we spoke of course! It really helped, I'm certain of that.

shushpenfold · 06/02/2018 18:34

The OP is determined to be offended on behalf of ALL the people who speak to their children......they’re not PPing remember....no one PPs, remember.

EVERYONE, MEET YOUR WHIPPING OP.

NotAnotherEmma · 06/02/2018 20:10

tengreenbottlesstanding

Being your child sounds exhausting.

midnightmisssuki · 06/02/2018 20:14

OP ok - i give up. You are a performance parent - congratulations, no one gives a damn. Happy now?

Frusso · 07/02/2018 00:40

Well op clearly talks to her child for the audiences benefit and not her child's benefit.

Frusso · 07/02/2018 02:17

Maybe OP is performance MNing?

MrsWhirly · 07/02/2018 03:11

But when I’m on the train going to, or coming home from work, I just don’t want to hear it! Drives me insane! The child has no fucking clue what the parent is going on about half the time anyway!

KERALA1 · 08/02/2018 20:36

Such a peculiar thread. Can't make head nor tail of where op is coming from. Valiantly defending herself against imaginary critics criticising her for something she isn't doing anyway?

Butteredparsn1ps · 10/02/2018 08:50

Kerala the OP is demonstrating her superior communication skills. And not listening.

Shockers · 10/02/2018 13:57

Do you care whether anyone hears you, OP?

If you’re looking for validation from other people, you’re performance parenting. If not, you’re not.

If you like, I could explain that loudly with a few big words thrown in, whilst scanning the vicinity, to demonstrate.

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