Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

I need to talk loudly to get his attention. I speak to him but then leave a gap to give him a chance to respond. I hate doing it in public cos i know it makes me look like a wanker (lots of ott praise when he communicates back) but hopefully most folk are too busy trying to deal with their own kids than judge me with mine!

👏

Parent however you want to. Nobody else really gives a shit, despite what you seem to think.

You do sound rather smug though, as though it wouldn't have occurred to any of the rest of us to actually talk to our children!

It is normal parenting you are doing. There's nothing special about it, despite what you want to think.

OP

I honestly don't mind if you talk to your DS all the time as long as I don't have to hear.

You may well not do it but a lot of parents seem to have to talk at/with their kids really loudly and it's soooooo annoying. It's extra annoying when the parents articulate every single sound. Aghhhhhhh. It does my head in. I don't mind listening to normal chatter but the 'performance parenting' monologue that you are describing is painful to listen to. It always comes across as fake somehow. 🙉

Apart from that I don't mind.

You never have any idea of what anyone else is facing and the challenges they are having with parenting.

Right. So stop judging people who give their children iPads when out and about.

I talk to my child all the time to encourage him. But I don't go ott.
(The baby talk is totally unnecessary IMO though. I hate baby talk. Talk to your child using proper words).

I think somehow the tone of your post OP does come across as a bit hostile & condescending.
You may not have meant it that way but the implication that others are lazy by handing out ipads sounds judgemental and the statement that you will do as you wish anyway does seem a bit aggressive.

I really do think that performance parenting is a thing. A mum with a DD in the same class as mine said loudly to her DD as they came out of reception “Did you sign your name in Greek today Jessica and did you tell the teacher why?”
& multiple more examples. It was tedious.
Talking to your child & pointing things out is what most parents do but it is possible to over-do it. My DD was a reluctant talker but when I went to her cot to look in as I went to bed she woke & crawled to get her toy speaking its name & I thought “So you can talk!”
Good luck with War & peace Worra. Dh is an avid reader & ended up skip-reading!

YABU for using the phrase "busy working mum".

That’s interesting Johnny.
I’m busy. I work. I’m a mum.
What is it you find unreasonable?

I do this. I don't give a shit what other people think.

I think the people who moan about 'performance' parenting are up their own arses. Do you really think you are that important that parents are talking to their kids for YOUR benefit? REALLY?! What makes you think that anyone gives a damn what you think? They care what their child thinks!

Keep doing you OP. Your child comes first in your world. As it should be.

IMO as long as you are not regularly holding loud, one-sided conversations about organic Belgian endive with your stupefied child, you're just doing what everyone does - chatting to a toddler about his environment in hopes of eliciting some sort of response one day.

If your child is struggling with speech, I recommend a lot of singing, rhymes (you can read nursery rhyme books) and repetition ('I'm pouring the milk, pour, pour, pour'...). If you can afford it, get him assessed by a SLT and OT around age 2. If you can't afford it, cut as many corners as you can until you can afford it. Assessment and any necessary interventions are far more effective when a child is younger.

Asking how many chocolate buttons there are, in any language, is inviting your child to perform.

Avoid. This is performance parenting.

You can help your child learn to count at home and if he tells you while out that there are such and such number of pineapples in the display, you can acknowledge that.

You could just chat about chocolate buttons and how we don't eat normal buttons.

You seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that anything you’ve described as doing here is somehow different to just about any other parent who has commented. It’s not. We all do it.

In fact you’ve been given the definition of performance parenting and how that isn’t what you’re doing that I’m struggling to see how you’re doing anything but deliberately misunderstanding.

Wot a laff!
Thanks for some middle of the night entertainment !
ten are you new to Mumsnet ?

I don't see any problem with what your doing. I do it and so do the vast majority of parents I see when out and about. Most people speak to their children and interact with them dont they and yes sometimes I see people watching things on phones ECT with children but I have no opinion on it. It doesn't affect me in any way. The only example I've seen that could count as performance parenting was a dad at a museum craft session. Everyone else was getting involved and joining in helping children ECT but he was so loud and never stopped talking but it didn't bother me I probably would of struggled to spend the full day with him as I do like a little bit of quiet time but if it makes him happy and him and his child are enjoying themselves then it honestly doesn't bother me.

It's not performance parenting I find so much as a problem as performance disciplining as if to show off their superior parenting skills

I think there's a danger that people define as performance parenting anything they personally don't/didn't do with their own kids. I hate seeing the term used because it's basically just a way of shaming people for talking to their kids.

Go to a cafe. The parent talking to their child, asking anout their day. Getting them to read a menu or signs. Lush! The parent talking so loudly and making demands on their child is performing. It's not nice to watch or hear.

What you describe is parenting. I don't get what performance parenting is all about.

Can you give specific examples of times when people have been rude or hostile to you for talking to your child?

Or are you just worried about this because you’ve been reading about it on mumsnet?🤔

In which case I would just get on with your life, shopping, park visits etc.

People don’t really care what you do as much as you seem to think they do!

But the post isn’t pointless as I’m interested in other people’s opinions. But it won’t change my mind.

What you're doing is great parent what you're writing is performance posting

If that’s what a performance parent is, then I’m one too op!!!

If people aren’t doing as we are doing with our children, then what the hell are they doing?!

How could you, and would you not communicate with your child and educate them (academically, emotionally and morally) along the way? All of this comes naturally to me, and I could not, not be like this, and wouldn’t want to be either.

Perfect Op