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Original poster

Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

354 replies

tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 22:34

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

OP posts:
Original poster
tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 23:30

Red For ds. Why would the person next to me care about the doggy or how many raisins/chocolate buttons/stickers there are.
If they overhear that’s not my fault.
If they want to speak to us I would welcome it.
What I would care about is getting slated for it.
Also if talking to my dc isn’t competitive parenting, what about For example we were bilingual family and my dh was for instance Spainish, then I asked ds how many chocolate buttons there were in Spanish, would this be performance parenting?
Would that then be ok because it seems like it’s performance parenting for people to eye roll/complain about it?

OP posts:
paxillin · 02/02/2018 23:33

This corker As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand. is really hard to answer whilst staying within the talk guidelines.

You sound really superior. We are all busy, you are not the only "busy working mum... trying to do all other jobs" and everybody has helped their kids master the language. You are no martyr and the rest of us are not layabouts.

I get it, the idea of doing the wrong thing or not enough of the right thing is terrifying. You have a lot less influence than you think. Relax a little and actually enjoy him, I bet he'll enjoy that, too.

Redwineistasty · 02/02/2018 23:36

ten you’re missing the point. The person next to ou doesn’t care, they don’t give a flying fuck!
It’s the performance parent who cares that that person hears.

WhiteWalkersWife · 02/02/2018 23:39

My friend was told she performence parented by her dp. Before that i hadnt heard or understood the words, but it did used to sum her up. She would go several octaves louder when someone moved close and would gush about how clever or beautiful her dc was. All the while glancing more at other people then her dc. She would be obvious less focused on her dc and more on impressing people around her to the point that her own dp was embarrassed by it.

She stopped doing it and groans when he reminds her of her 'phase' now.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2018 23:39

I don't know what you actually want from this thread OP?

It's like you're so determined to be right, that you're just steam rollering over all the posts telling you, you've misunderstood what performance parenting actually is.

Crack on OP, there's no point in engaging with this really.

WhiteWalkersWife · 02/02/2018 23:42

People can and will eyeroll or judge how ever they like, you are best off not getting wound up by that idea because it happens from the moment we are pulled or pushed from the womb.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/02/2018 23:43

Learning colours in the supermarket is a fun engaging game. It's normal parenting.

It's important to teach children about life (as well as their colours, their maths and the sounds animals make).
You do that by leading by example; showing awareness of others and courtesy to others in public, Keeping to a respectful volume, demonstrating to your child that sometimes you need to converse and interact with other adults and they must be quiet for a moment.

And of course teaching your child that the whole world doesn't revolve around them and that not everyone wants to hear their version of Twinkle Twinkle, even though as their parent you think it's the most adorable thing in the world.

Original poster
tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 23:44

Paxillin I am hardly claiming to be a martyr for chatting to ds in the supermarket.
But it is true that he is entitled to have conversations and learn about things. But I have seen people on here complain about overhearing such things and saying it’s performance parenting.

Red I don’t really think anyone has a conversation with their dc for the benefit of a stranger sitting next to them. If they are then mum isn’t in a good place in my opinion .

OP posts:
Delancy · 02/02/2018 23:44

What paxillin said.

You have a lot less influence than you think.
I realised this when my second came along and was so completely different to my PFB from week one.

Charmatt · 02/02/2018 23:44

Blimey, when my children were young, I just got on with it - OP you seem to be over analysing what you are doing.

.....it's just what everyone else does - talking to their child. You seem to be confused about what performance parenting is.

Thanks for your monologue though; I feel less anxious now you have explained your method.

Dahlietta · 02/02/2018 23:45

maybe I have misinterpreted the meaning.

You really have.

Redwineistasty · 02/02/2018 23:45

ten that’s what a performance parent is Confused

Redwineistasty · 02/02/2018 23:47

Red I don’t really think anyone has a conversation with their dc for the benefit of a stranger sitting next to them. If they are then mum isn’t in a good place in my opinion .

This /\ /\ is performance parenting, yes it’s pathetic. No it’s not what you’re doing.

Xeneth88 · 02/02/2018 23:48

Oh my god hun. You are an amazing mummy. Your bubz is sooo lucky!!! All the other mumz your talking about are awful. Your bubz your rulez. They're shit.

On a serious note get over yourself, you talk to your kid. We all do. You haven't grasped what performance parenting means, bless you. Your post is naive at best and down right judgemental.

Xeneth88 · 02/02/2018 23:50

Spainish, then I asked ds how many chocolate buttons there

Though to be honest, I stopped taking you seriously after this beauty.

myrtleWilson · 02/02/2018 23:50

Huzzah! yy Redwine now ten gets the concept of performance parenting

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2018 23:51

Red I don’t really think anyone has a conversation with their dc for the benefit of a stranger sitting next to them. If they are then mum isn’t in a good place in my opinion.

Or they're just a bit of a wanker.

HolyShmoly · 02/02/2018 23:51

One last try for this.
You know the way some people have phone voices?
Some people just have a posh rp accent and some people put on a posh voice so people think they're poster than they are but just sound like twats. No one minds the genuine accent. That's like parenting, in whatever way you do it.
The Mrs Bucket-a-like is performance parenting because she always cares what other people think

Redwineistasty · 02/02/2018 23:51

Yes! mertyl now we can all go to bed!

Original poster
tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 23:53

Oh my god xeneth I’m not your hun. I don’t have a bubz. I don’t make rulez.

I don’t know any other mumz. Do you?

OP posts:
JustHereForThePooStories · 02/02/2018 23:54

Love the irony of the OP making such a song and dance about her performance parenting!

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2018 23:55

Yes! mertyl now we can all go to bed!

But I have to read War and Peace to little Timmy really loudly so next door can hear it through the wall.

Little Timmy will of course be more interested in picking his nose and studying the contents by his night light.

Callaird · 02/02/2018 23:55

Ten - but that’s just it. Performance parenting is were the parents talk loudly to their child so that everyone around them can hear just how clever and gifted their child is.

Talking just to your child about life going on around you is engaging with your child.

Nobody really cares either way. Just carry on encouraging him.

And Primark was upset that you implied that every other mother isn’t interested in their child, that they don’t want to interact with them daily, that all mothers just want them in a cot like children in a Romanian orphanage. Some mums just want a quiet 5 minutes on the bus because that is the only time they will get to sit down and stay still all day so they give their child something to keep them quiet too.

Now I’ll tell you my performance nannying - both occurred in Waitrose.

Two year old was in the trolley, I picked up a packet of quinoa, handed it to him to put in the trolly, he loudly spelled out q u i n o a (phonetically) and said ‘that spells keen wa doesn’t it’.

Now three, were by the fresh fish when he picked up a packet of samphire and yelled, ‘look look, they’ve got Samphire, I love samphire, can we buy some and some sea bass and have it with rice and salsa, pleeeeese’!! Where’s a big hole when you need one?

RumerGodden · 02/02/2018 23:57

Well, you may have missed the mark on performance parenting but you've nailed the passive aggressive humblebrag!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/02/2018 23:57

Come on Ten I bet you crank it up a notch when you notice a couple smiling fondly at your child across the supermarket aisle. Put in a bit more effort to be a brilliant engaging mum, turn up the volume and pull out the trump card; some counting in Spanish to wow bystanders. Grin

If that doesn't strike a chord with you, then you're not performing, you're just parenting.