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Original poster

Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

354 replies

tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 22:34

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

OP posts:
Original poster
tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 23:10

Red he likes cars. Nice/lovely anything to describe them.
I’m really hoping his speech will come on he’s been a late talker.
Primark asking a child to share seems like fairly average parenting to me. But you know.

No I’m not the lady in the cafe.
I wouldn’t dare speak to another member of the public imagine the fury that may follow if my toddler and I struck up a conversation with anyone else.....

No seriously I don’t talk loudly or to other people.
I think I’d be terrfied if primark overheard me.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 02/02/2018 23:11

You have missed the point spectacularly op.

thehairyhog · 02/02/2018 23:11

The constant talking sounds a bit inane and over bearing. Isn’t he allowed to notice anything for himself or think for a bit or decide what’s interesting to him?

Scaredofthegym · 02/02/2018 23:11

I think kids with parents who continually talk at them grow up into those annoying people who just waffle constantly about the most inane shit - it's like some middle class aversion to any kind of stall or gap in a conversation so they just talk at you instead.
There's a woman round the corner does it, shes like a walking pair of those wind-up teeth. I avoid her like the plague as does everyone else I know who knows her.
I reckon her mum must've just talked to her constantly as a child.

Original poster
tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 23:11

Thanks donquix I’m really trying to help his speech come on. Do you work in childcare?

OP posts:
CanIhavedessertfirst · 02/02/2018 23:13

@tengreenbottlesstanding I don't think there's anything wrong with what you do, honestly! Whenever I walk up steps with my eldest, we count them together. I think most people like seeing parent and child interaction, I think it's definitely the deliberately ott stuff that comes across and unnatural and just for show.

Redwineistasty · 02/02/2018 23:13

Is your dh boring?.... Is that why you needed to have a child? For interaction?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 02/02/2018 23:13

So you don't actually understand what performance parenting is. But your having ago at people who find it cringe worthy and annoying. Plus you talk to your child and that's why you had one?? Fabulous post op.

NotEnoughCushions · 02/02/2018 23:14

shes like a walking pair of those wind-up teeth.

I am so going to steal this expression GrinGrinGrin

Original poster
tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 23:14

The hairy no not constantly like most toddlers he does have a lot of time playing on his own or chilling in his pushchair.
He has no siblings (whole other story) and doesn’t go to nursery so I do worry that he misses out on certain things.

OP posts:
youhaveafacefortheradio · 02/02/2018 23:14

But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

I absolutely do not think children should be kept away from places ignored and left to stare and I've genuinely never seen this ANYWHERE?!
I think it's up to the parent if they want to give a child an iPad.
And I disagree with you, nobody is saying not to talk to your child, I talk to mine all the time in a meaningful way but I don't talk loudly so to interrupt/annoy other people.
That's just rude!!

KERALA1 · 02/02/2018 23:15

Do you use your child as a vessel to demonstrate to innocent bystanders what a marvellous parent you are / that your child is learning mandarin / that you have a house in France? Congratulations you are a performance parent.

Do you talk and interact with your child as you would with anyone else i.e. At normal volume about mundane matters? Congratulations you are the average parent.

PookieSnackenberger · 02/02/2018 23:17

Yes. Keep your volume down and you won't incur the wrath of the Mumsnet Performance Parent Hater.

Spikeyball · 02/02/2018 23:17

That isn't performance parenting.
Lots of talking has always wound my ds up so I don't do it ( the lots of it). Different things work for different children.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 02/02/2018 23:20

Yes op I know
You've told me twice. If it wasn't for the goadiness I'd have you.
No need to be terrified I'm a normal parent like everyone else here you know? Just doing my best as you are. Don't criticise me and I won't you.

xotyl · 02/02/2018 23:20

My ds as a toddler asked me in Waitrose "why are speaking in that way mummy? You want everyone to hear you don't you?" he knew what performance parenting was. Utterly shamed by my toddler. Didn't do it again. Hangs head..

mummmy2017 · 02/02/2018 23:21

Congratulations, your a mum who enjoys their child.

No your not OTT, your just talking to the little chap, and he is responding to you , as he is enjoying it.

PP is when you do it for the person watching to impress them, and no way are you doing this.

LolitaLempicka · 02/02/2018 23:22

Maybe he is a late talker because you never allow him to get a word in. Or maybe he wants you to just shut the fuck up.

Original poster
tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 23:22

Kera I talk to my child in a normal way not loudly.
We don’t have a fabulous house in France, he is not achieving ‘way ahead’ so we talk about things that he understands.
But if we did have a house in France why would that be an issue to talk about it. If you do have a house in France should you avoid talking about it incase someone overhears.

If you are teaching your child a second language (bearing in mind some families may be bilingual) should they avoid discussing this in public so they aren’t deemed as ‘performance parenting’.

Yes I agree talking loudly is rude. But sometimes in a public place it can’t be helped people near you will hear the conversation.

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 02/02/2018 23:22

Performance parenting is looking for approval from bystanders at how good a parent you are/how fantastic your child is/how amazing your life is.

It is, but the problem is that is a judgement that generally the bystander makes.

Some of the conversations I had (and still have) with our girl in public would probably be judged as performance parenting. Just the other day we were in a hospital waiting room and the news was on the tv. There was a banner about Brexit and I made a jokey comment (oh my gawd I can’t believe that blah blah blah) not expecting her to pay much attention. She did, she gave her opinion, I then found myself discussing politics of Brexit with my 8 year old. That must have sounds weird to anyone earwigging but it could equally have happened in our living room.

KERALA1 · 02/02/2018 23:22

Me too xo. First train trip with pfb "look darling a sheep, like the ones in your book etc etc"

Pfb "can you be quiet now please mummy"

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2018 23:22

shes like a walking pair of those wind-up teeth.

Grin Grin Grin Love it!

Original poster
tengreenbottlesstanding · 02/02/2018 23:23

Lolita that is just so nasty.
You never have any idea of what anyone else is facing and the challenges they are having with parenting. My son will talk when he is ready I have not done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 02/02/2018 23:24

Maybe he is a late talker because you never allow him to get a word in. Or maybe he wants you to just shut the fuck up.
Didn’t work in our case. I’m sure she learned to talk quickly just so she could tell me to shut up. 😂

Redwineistasty · 02/02/2018 23:25

Ah but ten the difference is, is who are you doing it for?.... your dc or the stranger sitting next to you?