Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

What is this person’s problem? Has anyone criticised her previously to this post? Rather glad I raised kids pre internet! Talked to mine as little ones all the time, and the dog.

Something to bare in mind - I went on an interesting parenting consultation once where the organiser handed me a bag of farm animals and suggested I ‘play’ with them. As I started to arrange them - she did this running commentary...the cow is brown, the pig is pink - and then she picked up some of the pieces I had put down and she rearranged then still giving me a commentary ie the chicken needs to go near the chicken hut....see this is the chicken hut, and so on.
After 5 minutes she asked me to describe what had happened. I said as soon as she started talking and rearranging what I had done it made me I feel like I was doing things wrong and needed to wait for direction from her, so I had immediately stopped ‘playing’. She said that children develop their creative mind, how they make sense of their world, and confidence in their own decisions through play and too much parental involvement can stop this happening. It was really fascinating and after this consultation I did think more carefully about when I got involved in ‘teaching’ my children facts about the world. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do things like teach your child colours etc - but children are little sponges and you will be surprised when he’s older how much he has learnt through observation. Only you know if you are doing this - but if you are firing off lots of questions constantly - you are trying to focus his mind on things you want him to learn and he may be missing out on a whole pile of information he would be learning naturally on his own. I also agree with others - you are not performance parenting unless you are doing it loudly deliberately to make it appear to others you are a good parent.

OP, like I suggested before @ittakes2 is correct. If you want to encourage the development of speech then try and avoid questions.
What worries me is that the assumption has been made that your child may have a speech and language issue. Someone suggested a SALT referral, absolutely no need. Your child is 2.5, he still needs time. My daughter spoke amazingly at 1. Looking back at vids it actually looks a bit creepy watching such a young child with such advanced speech. My son took a lot longer. He is 2 3/4 now and it slowly took off just before he was 2 1/2. His pronunciation is still pretty poor, but I can see daily improvements. Although I knew I should give him time, it didn’t stop me panicking and genuinely believing he had speech delay. As parents we all do this.
As so many have said before our NHS is under a lot of strain and at 2.5 I doubt very much that he needs a referral. If you are concerned try and attend a chatterpillars group. They are usually in libraries or community centres and are free.

I’ve never heard of performance parenting, so I can’t comment much on what it is but don’t we all talk to our kids whilst out and about?

@tengreenbottlesstanding

Of course you should talk to your child, but you are BVU to say "doggy" and "birdies"!
What's wrong with "dog" and "bird"? If you're going to the trouble of talking to the child, use the right words!

I say this as the child whose Auntie said "look at the dick-dicks".
Family legend has it that I looked her straight in the eye and said "Birds!"

Thanks for letting us know..........

As I started to arrange them - she did this running commentary...the cow is brown, the pig is pink - ......

It this made me burst out laughing and I'm still laughing on and off now when I picture it!!!! I can really understand how that was off putting and it's actually very helpful, it makes me see how annoying that kind of interaction could be and I've certainly been guilty of doing exactly that (at home without an audience I hasten to add) many, many times to my children. I won't be doing that again in the same way!! Thank you!! :)

It just depends how loud your voice is. Entirely normal to talk to your child, it becomes performance parenting when it's loud enough for others to have to listen. I.e. Louder than normal chatting volume. I would find it maddening listening to someone wittering on about birdies loudly in a cafe, talking normally not a prob!
From a teachers perspective It's really important to leave space for your child to think m - resent inset I went on demonstrated effectiveness of silence, a mental count of at least 3 (mississippily) before any further interaction. Also think about your questions 'look at the birdie' what answer do you expect? What would you say if some one said that to you? You'd probably just be . 'I wonder if there are any birds?' would be better. Talk with him not at him. My dsis talks loudly and constantly at her children - they just tune out!

What you do is not performance parenting, it's what parents should do. You say you work yet D'S doesn't have any external contact. Who cares for him when you are at work or are you a child minder minding your own child?

All any of us can do is the best for our child. I go down the road shouting out car colours and house numbers as DS 2.8 yrs points to them. I don't notice dirty looks etc because I'm looking at the road ahead, DS erc
On the bus, out and about DS points to strangers nd I loudly declare what he is pointing at. People ignore or smile or chat interaction from them isn't what I'm seeking. In coffee shops I let him have awalk if safe, he'll occasionally go up to peoples tables and I'll politely tell DS that those people are busy etc. Sometimes they smile, talk. Sometimes they ignore. Sometimes they think things in their heads about bloody toddlers in coffee shops and whether v to start a mn thread. All I can do is make sure we are polite.

None of this is done for anyone but DS and I try to minimise much much we ruin other peoples peace.

That isn't performance parenting OP and most people are too concerned with their own internal monologue to care or notice

I've never heard of performance parenting.

Enjoy your child. My ds was fine with me talking to him but when he was just three and I was singing a lullaby he said

Dont sing mama I will go to sleep.

I don’t even understand why you are interested in what other people think. Talking to you child continuously is natural if you are interested in your child’s world and learning.

I don’t think it comes under the heading performance parenting

I’ve never, ever noticed any disapproving looks when I talk to my children. My focus is on them, not on a bunch of strangers.

The only judging here, is by you OP, to other parents who you feel 'dont talk to their kids' . You say up thread I don’t really understand why anyone would have dc if they didn’t want to talk to them so for you to even be mentioning that, you must feel what you do is out of the norm, ergo other mums dont talk to their kids mostly?

Dont sing mama I will go to sleep
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

The sheep and the duck were singing on the bus the other day. Ds2.8 took them both off me and gave me such a look. Sometimes I think him being non verbal is a kinder to my ego.

I agree with most of what you say apart from the ignoring/stare at ipad bit. There is a happy medium between talking to your children constantly and totally ignoring them with a device.

My eldest had difficulties with her speech and I was told to talk to her constantly, too, but, looking back, what she actually needed was something more structured and on her level of language. Most of what I said was meaningless to her and way above her comprehension.

I work in a shop and I see this a lot with parents talking to their very young children to a very high level and see them switching off. I also see a lot of passing responsibility to their very small children, too, by saying what do we need, what would you like for breakfast, only to be contradicted with Oh no, we don't need that or you won't eat/don't like that and then they wonder why they have a tantrum.

I think it is taken too literally. Yes, do talk to your children but they do not need a constant monologue, they do not need a lesson wherever they go and they do need to learn the power of quiet.

Sigh.

It’s really hard to do this without the ‘sympathetic head tilt’.

You don’t understand what performance parenting is.

What you do, is normal parenting.

HTH.

I quite frankly find the term performance parenting rather pathetic. People need to stop judging others and just get on with their lives. If someone is being obnoxious call it obnoxious. Don’t bring their relationship with their child into it. Peace out ✌️

I’ve never heard of performance parenting, so I can’t comment much on what it is but don’t we all talk to our kids whilst out and about?

Yes most people talk to their kids whilst out and about, that's not performance parenting. Performance parenting is showing off, talking really loudly, looking round for an audience, asking the DC particular questions to show how fabulous a parent you are...all that kind of bollocks.

Mumsnet really needs to rethink allowing posts on ‘performance parenting’- it can be offensive and upsetting for parents with children who have Sen, speech delays, hearing difficulties and a whole host of other disabilities. The onlooker will never know the childs background and therefore cannot judge, you just never know what the reasons are for parents interacting in this way with a child so don’t judge.

I quite frankly find the term performance parenting rather pathetic. People need to stop judging others and just get on with their lives. If someone is being obnoxious call it obnoxious. Don’t bring their relationship with their child into it. Peace out ✌️

Totally agree. I hate the term because it takes something that attentive/caring parents do and makes them feel self conscious about it or overly concerned with how its coming across.

There's no definitive criteria for what's performance parenting and what isn't, therefore it only adds to people's insecurities.

Excellent points by sima also.

Hiya- I feel like talking to your child really just qualifies as a basic, key parenting skill. Not sure that this is what is meant by performance parenting by any means? I wouldn’t worry about people looking at you because you communicating with your child?

My 2 DSs have always been a bit rowdy so when they were little I talked a lot to them to distract them. Once in a very small dentist waiting room I got them to help me fill in a form asking the simple questions. A woman who was with her grown up son had a huge go at me for making such a noise while her son has a tooth ache. I said my children were little and to keep them quiet I was occupying them. She said well they are little but you are not. I shut up and my DCs got really bored and ended up causing even more noise, stumbling about (no chairs free) and knocking in to her grown up son

I talk to my toddler a lot and try and Incorporate as much learning as possible for him. He isn't in nursery yet so it kind of falls to me. I do worry since seeing this type of thing on mumsnet that others are thinking I'm performance parenting too. I worry about reading a book in a coffee shop to him or the fact I tried to explain to him today that snakes are cold blooded and needed to have a warm environment (he's obsessed with snakes right now) after he said his toy snake was cold being outside. I suppose It doesn't really matter and il continue to parent him as I do but still I now feel self conscious for wanting to teach and involve him in everything . So I get it Op, it sucks we all should be nicer to each other and who cares how people parent as long as the child is loved and healthy.