Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

I'm sure I've been judged for performance parenting before but meh I have autism which means I will tell a child information about things that is way over their heads because I enjoy saying it to someone and a child in a buggy is a captive audience.
I also was sadly born with a strong voice that carries and congenital hearing loss so I'm never sure if I'm the lady on the bus the other Mums hate or not.
You can parent how you like, don't let things you see on Mumsnet wind you up so much, 90% of it is lies anyway!

Anywhere in public is a captive audience.

On performance parent threads a certain type of person will say 'nobody is forcing you to stay in a cafe. Just leave if you are irritated by something' as if the responsibility is on people to move rather than loud, inconsiderate people to tone it down.

I am partly deaf so I apologise profusely to anybody who may have seen me to be 'performance parenting'!

Anyone talking loudly in a cafe is annoying, I find a group of adults who are drunk far more annoying than parents entertaining their children. (I'd rather that than a tantruming toddler actually.) So I'm not disputing the nuisance aspect.

But I have empathy with a parent trying to engage their baby/toddler, I just avoided cafes when I was on my own with my DDs when they were that age. I don't have any empathy for drunk adults or businessmen on a train who are patently showing off.

There's an excuse for parents trying to engage their children, there isn't one for someone talking loudly on the phone in a train carriage.

Everyone should keep the volume down. I don't care why they're doing what they're doing, I don't spend my time worrying about their motivations. If I'm out for a meal I concentrate on those people I'm with.

‘A child chattering is fine, but a parent constantly describing everything and asking questions makes me cringe and feel sorry for the child.’

Agreed. Parents constantly ‘testing’ young children with questions they already know the answer to themselves is incredibly tedious, and I don’t just mean for onlookers in public. Children aren’t fools. Maybe speak a little slower and more clearly, but on the whole just talk normally!

OP what you described is not performance parenting, it's just parenting.

formerbabe I also have a child who had very delayed speech and even at five and a half can be hard to understand so I also spent the last three years parroting everything back so people understood him. In fact I have to remind myself now not to do it!

@Redwineistasty- once, when DS2 was about 3, he shouted, ‘Cor- look at that lovely car, mummy!’, as a really flash sports car drove past.

Turns out he was talking about the Reliant Robin parked in front of us .

@bossybitch

That’s hilarious! (Your post on page one). Have you got anymore examples?

Keep talking, OP.

shockers

Today the performing parent in cafe I was in brought out a sticker book Atlas and preceded to tell young tot Ive been to Vietnam, Ive been to China blah blah blah Cringe Felt sorry for poor cow

tengreenbottles, you just really, really want to talk about your son, don't you? That's what all this is about.

Do you have friends you meet up with/talk to?

Do what you feel is right and ignore the rest. I do that to dc sometimes, and they are 6 and 11. Ds has a developmental and speech delay, so I am constantly trying to stimulate him to improve his language, which he is doing at a fantastic rate.

People who just do the normal parenting doesn't even think if they are performance parenting or not.

Hi Teengreen... You sound like a good mum to me! I hope so anyway because what you describe is what I used to do with my toddlers. I am sure his talking will take off and be fine by the way, as he sounds ok in all respects. Just be yourself, keep loving him and enjoy your time together. Believe me, those days fly by all too fast!

Alpineibex - you don't need to apologise!

Performance parenting always seems to be happening in the vegetable aisles, never in the biscuit ones, wonder why that is

OP when your child has any sort of additional need, I think you question yourself constantly and worry that you're doing something wrong. It dents your confidence in a fairly universal way.

I have come across some performance parenting and it honestly, honestly isn't a parent chatting to their small child. It's not about normal decent parenting, or occupying your child in a cafe by retaining their attention so they don't go ballistic and annoy everyone else. You know those parents who compete with you endlessly - their child learned to crawl/roll over/walk/talk earlier than anyone else's, and so on? It's those people, in public, demonstrating that their child is so much better because they parent them so much more competently. It's not about the child; it's about them. It's a sub-genre of competitive parenting.

I don't think it's common in some areas. In others, it's ubiquitous. But it's not what you're doing. You're just being a mum.

A billion times better than the mothers you see faces glued to their phones whilst they ignore their children !

You are right to not care about what others think. You are doing a good job already.

This has probably been said but this seems to relate to what a poster mentioned yesterday about a parent talking too much. I thought she sounded like a bit of a twat.
I see so many children starting school with no basic knowledge. It’s nice to see you are laying the foundations.
If you are struggling with your sons speech, try not to ask too many questions. Rather than saying ‘what colour is that bird’ say ‘that’s a lovely blue bird’ etc.

Performance parenting is when you do it loudly and for others benefit. Often the discussion is beyond the child. You can normally tell a performance parent by the weary look on their child's face.

Indeed.

Speaking to your child is normal surely..

Why do parents use baby words such as ' doggy' and birdies? I never used baby language with my two. Much better to use the proper words to extend their language.