Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

A billion times better than the mothers you see faces glued to their phones whilst they ignore their children !
It's not a trade off: performance parenting or being glued to your phones

See also:
It's so sad these days that people judge others for JUST TALKING to their
i'd rather talk to my child than be on my phone like some
it's just other people feeling inadequate because they feel threatened by educational conversations

Argh!

Sensible, polite, reasonable interaction with a child at a normal volume is perfectly reasonable and nobody will givr a damn about the topic.
E.g. i heard a parent doing a lovely reading of a book in costa last week. It wad adorable. But it wasn't performance parenting.
E.g. I finished park run and there was a family talking about the ducks and the ponds and whether a pebble would sink or float. All very educational. Not performamce parenting because it's a perfectly reasonable volume
E g. At thr supermarket and a parent was gettinf their child to count out 6 bananas l, 4 sweet potatoes etc and the child had to find it and race back. (Adorable!!) Not performance parenting.

All of those are totally reasonable things to do with kids.

Performance parenting is the loud volume, the raising of certain topics to get kudos points, the emphasis on thinks Performance Parents think will make them look good, the looking around to see who is noticing. Aka. Self absorbed idiots who annoy the rest of the world who couldn't give a rats arse if Charlie's been working beautifully on his harp and is looking forward to manderin club tomorrow.

I spoke to our lot constantly when they little. In hindsight it was the wrong decision as they are never quiet now . . . . . :-)

Why do parents use baby words such as ' doggy' and birdies? I never used baby language with my two. Much better to use the proper words to extend their language.

A large body of academic research shows mothers across all cultures do this, as it speeds up and increases range of language acquisition. It's called, "motherese". The theory that it was foolish and delayed language was created by a bunch of male academics over a hundred years ago, who assumed anything women did instinctively had to be wrong. They now know that the vocal shifts and altered/exaggerated emphases help children distinguish sounds between words. In other words, people who speak 'baby talk' to their kids are increasing their language acquisition, and those who don't are not.

Here.

This study reviews existing evidence and finds that it supports the notion that emotional and cognitive development, and not just linguistic, is supported by use of motherese.

My mother always insisted she never used baby talk, and I shouldn't either, and after the dummy debate I decided to go looking for evidence.

In other words, people who speak 'baby talk' to their kids are increasing their language acquisition, and those who don't are not.

Sorry, to clarify: all talking to your kids increases language! My mum never used motherease and we all talk the hind legs off donkeys. I meant that choosing never to use baby talk confers no extra advantage, whilst using it does.

Can we change motherese to parentese?

Much better to use the proper words to extend their language.
Nope.
Best way of extending their language is to engage them. Sing song speech (motherease) is good for this.

OP carry on doing what you want to do with your child. Its fine. But asking lots of questions isn't the best way to encourage speech. It can have the opposite affect.
Commentating is better. 'Ohh you are looking at the car! Its a blue car, I love blue'
Not 'what is that?' 'What colour is it?' What is your favourite colour?'

There are about 3 performance parents at my ds school, they are bonkers and hatefully superior.... One prefers Scandinavian parenting techniques and ignores her ds self-diagnosed sn concerns because it doesn't fit her ideal. They all seem to bellow a lot, play over-active roles in the PTA and openly scorn other parents. You don't sound like one of them.

Can we change motherese to parentese?
Pretty sure the research was based on mothers.
Hence the name.

I whole-heartedly agree with you OP. My daughter is pretty good at speaking and we encourage her to speak more by so called performance parenting! She loves us chatting to her, and she loves to chat to us. She also doesn't go to a nursery, so we do much the same as you! Also couldn't give a flying f**k what others may say about that! It's actively encouraging our children! POWER TO THE PERFORMANCE PARENTING!!!

TheAntiBoop (can't work out how to tag her/him) is right. The line is crossed when you are trying to show off or display in some way or if you make a nuisance of yourself towards other people who are trying to mind their own business. Nothing wrong with simple conversations.

Just don't do it really loudly (unless necessary because of SN) and people won't think you a twat.

TBH there has been a few threads recently where people were berated because they were describing what they could see through the window to their toddler/young child. The ‘oh look at the sheep! How many can you see? And can you see a cow now?’
Except that this was the only way I could occupy my two when they were that age.
Just like a lot of other parents tbh.

I’ve also noticed that there is a lot of sneering about how a parent might remind the child of going to the Andes/aquarium or whatnot. I’m sure that if the comment was about going to the shopping center next door, it wouldn’t attract as many . The issue here isnt about ‘performance parenting’ but about what some people see as showing off.
Now if someone think a parent is showing off by reminding them of their experiences (whatever they are. An aquarium isn’t anyting that amazing. The child might have French relative so is learning French etc...).... maybe they are the ones who have an issue tbh.
Not everything is about them. Why on earth would anyone try to impress people they dint know and will never see ever again

Lying yes I have lots of friends with dc a similar age and we do playgroup. Most of my friends have little girls and I tend to hear ‘it’s a boy thing, lazy boy he will catch up when he’s ready’. Although none of them have ever put me down like some of the comments on here saying I must be responsible for the speech delay because of the way I interact with him. No one in real life has ever been that nasty thankfully.
I never hear of performance parenting in real life only on here. I think I’ve been defensive because it makes me worry that people are judging me talking to him as it seems to be so frowned upon. I’ve read some really negative things about parents interacting with their kids in a style that’s perceived ‘performance parenting’.
For the poster saying a salt assessment may be helpful I agree and I may Persue it. the hv has said he’s on track with everything else so leave it for now and she’s going to come back and see me in a couple of months. If no improvement she said she would refer in.
As for those complaining about ‘baby talk’ and why use it, so what. I have bigger worries about ds speech than this. Some dc may get taught baby words, others may get taught the adult word from the start. But seeing as all ten year olds I have ever met (not accounting for those children with sen in some cases) can talk with the adult form of the words, and you would never tell who’s parents used baby language and who didn’t, I’m really not going to get hung up on that I think use of baby language or mother ease is just down to personal preference.

Not meaning to sound rude but why “doggy, birdies” I’ve never got why parents insist on baby talk then look disappointed that their offspring talks childlike.

I hate performance parenting.
I never understand why its so roundly defended on MN.
Its horrible.
Horrible for the kids
Horrible for everyone forced to listen
Horrible for parents who feel they are not doing enough for their children because they don't ask their own kids 'And what is the Latin name for that Sarah?' preferring 'look at the pretty flower'

The joke is that performance parents so often get it horribly wrong.
They read a bit of research or more likely some ridiculous article based on research that the writer didn't understand, and they think 'if I do that MORE, my child will get cleverer quicker'

It doesn't work that way.
You cannot force development. You can encourage and support it.
A child made to take ballet lessons at 2 is highly unlikely to be better at ballet than a child who starts at 6 by the time they are in the same age group.
Unless there is some innate talent and love for it.

PP springs from the modern terror of having an average child.

You started off saying you think you're probably a performance parent (you're not - as others have said you sound pretty normal to me) and you sounded like you quite liked the title tbh. Others told you you were just a normal parent and you ignored that for a fair while - possibly because you do seem to want to think of yourself as a superior parent and you seemed to think that being a performance parent was something to be aiming for (because you'd misunderstood what it meant).

I'm thinking that if you were honest you thought that the performance part referred to performance meaning superior, as in car or jet-engine. In fact the performance part refers to the parent who's 'putting on an act or 'performance' for other people.

So, not really something to aim for.

You also decried people who used ipads and gave their children alone time to play and develop their imaginations etc (you called it ignoring) and as the thread developed and you got criticised for some methods you began to mellow, admitting that even YOU use an ipad and even you leave your child to play alone sometimes.

You actually sound quite confused. But - this is a first child. You did imply that you won't be having more, but if you do and even if you don't in years to come you'll realise it all makes very little difference, as another poster said.

I have 9 children, the earlier 4 went to state schools, the later 5 went to/go to private. Some I was a constant talker to and some I wasn't it made no difference. Some have made a huge success of it, some haven't (although they're all successful to me, I'm talking about in the ways most people mean successful). Some are REALLY clever, some aren't.

From my extensive experience and looking at how I dealt with each one, I can honestly say it made no difference to how they turned out. In fact the one I spoke to the least is probably the most intelligent and amiable and I'm not just saying that. The constant was a loving and secure home, regardless of my level of involvement and I think that as long as a parent provides that for their children they'll turn out as good as they possibly can, given the person they are. I don't believe we influence it anywhere near as much as we think.

Not meaning to sound rude but why “doggy, birdies” I’ve never got why parents insist on baby talk then look disappointed that their offspring talks childlike

Thats been answered about twenty times.

Ok, talk to your son, not down to him and I won't care. It's a dog, not a doggy. A bird, not a birdy. And goodbye, not bye bye. You'll do your ds huge favours if you actually use the correct words. I can't bear it when people say things like lovely lady or nice lady either. You don't know this and your basically teaching your child they can make judgements based on appearance. Performance parenting to me is that cringeworthy cutesy talking to your child. If you want them to talk, have conversations instead and use the proper words for things.

We have twins aged two, one counts to 20 one is more capable at other stuff so don't worry and don't worry about what others think

Why will it do her son a huge favour pollymere?

PP is not about talking to a child as if they were...y'know...a child. Its signalling your superior parenting using a child as a prop. Lots of PPs do that by using language that is not particularly accessible to children.

If you don't 'give two hoots' then why are you obviously stressing yersen out over this?

There are a lot of snide people on here whose chief pleasure is taken in being nasty to people in a way which they would lack the guts to do in a face to face conversation. Usually they are nasty about behaviour which calls attention to their own inadequacies.

You sound like a lovely person with a little boy who is lucky to have such an engaged mum, so don't bother your head about people who think that the world can be run by sneering at people they envy.

OP, I mean this in the nicest possible way; get a grip. You are not the first parent to talk to their child enthusiastically (although it sounds like you may think you are). People judge even when they are so very wrong and so very idiotic for doing so.

I have been sneered at for playing with my child in public but I don't come away thinking "oh they're judging me but only because I'm superior". If like you say OP you are so focused on parenting then just bloody parent and sod what anyone else thinks.

You are parenting and that's what most of us do.

Now - if we were doing it for the non-child audience - well that's the performance part.

Keep on chatting .

Smirk if I thought I was superior then ds would be excelling at every milestone wouldn’t he?
Yes I use iPad. But if I didn’t talk to ds to occupy him then I’d have to use it even more. How else would I keep him occupied. A 2.5 year old or most I believe, as you would know having nine kids, won’t behave for long without some kind of simulation/interaction/activity.
So the people on here suggesting what I do is irritating (there has been some) what do they do with their kids and what would they suggest I do with mine when out and about?
I think if you are pushing an I pad infront of your child or ignoring them/avoiding places for lengthy periods, then this isn’t ideal. That is my opinion. But other parents are free to do as they please.