Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

I don't see why you believe your actions may represent performance parenting? Has someone told that's what you are doing? Seems a natural interaction to me...

I never knew there was a name for it! Just the irritating cow I had to endure each week at dds swimming lesson. Now I know she was performance parenting. Bet the moment she left her (trapped) audience she was like the rest of us. And no her kids never really engaged with her

what do they do with their kids and what would they suggest I do with mine when out and about?
Chat to your child. Point out interesting things. Have quiet time together. Feed the ducks, have something to eat. Tell jokes. Go to the park. Be natural.
Its fine.

‘Ok, talk to your son, not down to him and I won't care. It's a dog, not a doggy. A bird, not a birdy. And goodbye, not bye bye.’

Whilst overall I agree, do people really say ‘goodbye’ rather than ‘bye bye’ or ‘bye’? I don’t know anyone who does.

‘they think 'if I do that MORE, my child will get cleverer quicker'

It doesn't work that way.
You cannot force development. You can encourage and support it.
A child made to take ballet lessons at 2 is highly unlikely to be better at ballet than a child who starts at 6 by the time they are in the same age group.’

This ^ There is such a lack of trust in children’s abilities to learn at their own pace in early childhood. It’s rush rush rush. Maybe coming from a place of love, but not one of respect. I actually DO think this has a big effect on self confidence, self esteem and mental health/anxiety levels. It’s all a bit over bearing.

Op I get where you're coming from.

People seem to have different perceptions of what performance parenting is. It does seem that some people are more 'sensitive' to it, and I think that sometimes makes them see some aspects of normal parenting as performance parenting.

I speak to my son with an enthusiastic tone and with more volume than I would with an adult, because he's learning to speak and he's more inclined to pay attention when I'm enthusiastic and I want him to hear the pronounciation of words clearly. It's nothing to do with showing off, but since reading so many threads about performance parenting on here, I now feel quite self conscious when out and about... as much as I know I shouldn't care what people think, nobody wants people to think they're an arsehole, do they?!

Fwiw my understanding of performance parenting is what a poster mentioned upthread- making side eyes to make sure everyone is acknowledging how superior your parenting is/how cute or clever your child is. Which is nothing like what I do, I'm usually in my own little world.

You sound like a lovely mum, keep doing what you're doing!

This ^ There is such a lack of trust in children’s abilities to learn at their own pace in early childhood. It’s rush rush rush. Maybe coming from a place of love, but not one of respect. I actually DO think this has a big effect on self confidence, self esteem and mental health/anxiety levels. It’s all a bit over bearing.

I really agree with this, though I imagined the op saying she talks to her son ALL the time was a slight exaggeration. I think lots of interaction is great but It's of course important to let children process things in their own way and allow them time to daydream and wonder without having to be in constant conversation.

This is the first time I've ever even heard of "performance parenting." You learn something new every day! No need to get defensive about talking to your children. My only regret from talking incessantly to my ds1 when he was a baby is that he followed my example and talks incessantly to me now he's a teenager. I can't get a word in edgeways or I get told off for interrupting!

elephant
I'm with you. There's talking to ypur child and interacting and then there is performnace parenting.

All the cute examples I outlined earlier are normal parenting.

Performance parenting is the loud look at me being super educational... ooh better mention somewhere we've been or are about to go and then look around to see who has heard. In fact i'll also loudly drop in how good you are with harp/maths/writing/reading/hobbies/ language learning.

I would get the salt referral now rather than waiting a few months. Waiting times can be really long in some areas so he could be well over 3 by the time he gets seen. Evidence shows early intervention is more beneficial.

How else would I keep him occupied
what do they do with their kids and what would they suggest I do with mine when out and about?
Give him little dolls/figures/toy cars to hold/play with. You can play with them with him too if you’re sitting down for something to eat or whatever. Books, stickers, etc. Chat to him about where you’re going/what you will do when you get home or whatever (as I’m sure you already do).
Play tag/ball/races in the park, stomp on leaves, let him go on his bike/scooter.
Just let him be some of the time and if he seems to be getting bored/fed up sing songs/nursery rhymes with him, play silly games like ‘copy me’ but so funny things to make him laugh or play first to spot a cat/red car/tree.

I don’t think anyone is saying you should give him an iPad instead of talking/interacting with him.
Some kids are harder work and need constant talking to/interaction, others are more content to sit/walk quietly while you’re out and don’t seem to need/want constant talking to. You know your DS best so do what you think he’s happy with. Stop worrying though, you seem really stressed with it all, just relax, speak to him as it comes naturally and stop over analysing what/how much you say to him, it will just make you stressed out. Enjoy him!

Just had to post this on here after hearing in the park earlier:

Mum and dad in loud voices(whilst swinging small child by the arms): "one, two three - wheeeeee!!!!"
"Now how do we say it in French, Arabella?"
Arabella "un, deux, trios - wheeee!"

Poor Arabella then said wearily: "but mummy....we already had our French lesson this morning"!
Thank you mn for giving me a name to attach to what I witnessed!

You sound like a lovely parent😀.

All children are different and require different parenting styles. Some need and want talking to. Some like to chill and take things in in there own time. A so called performance parent may just be responding to the child's needs. One of my children is a MAT child he asked constant questions at an early age and reproduced hundreds of facts from watching telly, reading books etc for anyone who would listen. I probably sounded like a performance parent answering his many questions. To be honest I was shattered and glad when I introduced him to Siri. Parenting is difficult enough without others judging. Just do your thing.

OJ i do the parroting back thing too.

DS1 is autistic and did not say his first word until he was nearly 5. Even now his speech is a little hit and miss. So I am always repeating back what he says. I 'translate' him, more or less. It's largely unconscious tbh.

English is also not my mother tongue, technically, although I sound very very British and very few people know my background. I also chitter away to the Dcs in my language.(I'm not teaching it to them or anything- just if I am very tired or distracted I revert). I've been told that is 'showing off'. I just laugh at that though.

tengreenbottles, I think it's so much loathed on mumsnet because people (mothers) don't say anything in real life, most of them are conflict-averse in the extreme, even when there's no conflict. You only have to read the posts here to see that many won't stand up for themselves even when they're in the right.

Because of that seething crossness, they bring it here. Not all, but a good proportion I think.

I would say that I don't see this in RL. On the rare occasions that I do, I just gaze momentarily and find another aisle to wander down. It always is in a supermarket when I've witnessed it. I don't really care.

Anyway, what you've described yourself doing isn't 'performance parenting'. You and other posters are at odds because you're discussing two things that just aren't the same.

I wouldn't notice what you're doing and I wouldn't describe myself as oblivious (much), so if I were you, I'd carry on as you are.

TBH i think it's lovely to hear parents chat to their children, better than people wittering on loudly down their phones about what they said and then what she said ad nauseum.

YANBU OP I feel the same. But you should stop giving two farts what anyone thinks! I'm pretty sure some ppl think I performance parent. I don't give TWO FARTS.

OP you are totally normal. But if you really truly don't care why are you posting? X

Oh - and yes. My whole life and certainly my parenting life got a wholelot better and easier when i stopped giving a fuck about what others thought of my parenting. That was hard won though with having a child with autism!You get blamed for all sorts with that.(Including by very close family members who were educational professionals years back when the refrigerator mother theory as being the cause was in vogue etc.). I also had comments about DS not speaking because maybe I did not interact with him enough....I had a distress-filled thread on MN about it at the time and received loads of fab advice.

Here's my take on how you should think about people who are judging you.

Tell 'em Fuck ' em.

You do not sound like you are performance parenting OP although I don't think you explained your point in a very nice manner.

A few posters have given examples of PP that they have heard whilst out.. "what colour is the toilet" and another mentioned bringing a sticker book to a cafe. Have you not thought that perhaps people are doing it long enough to have a coffee or to simply have a wee, wipe and pull your pants up in peace? Afterall, distraction is the best method! I take sticker books to cafes. It means the DC and I can get equal enjoyment from visiting a cafe. That I can discuss things with them and also sit back and slowly sip my drink.

Someone also said that counting your buttons is PP? To do it at home... Really?!

I know what PP is. But I am surprised at how some define it.

Oh and Primark I have to admit that I am guilty of performance disciplining sometimes...

there is everything right with being enthusiastic.reading books aloud and with the characters voices.roaming around showing your child a whole new world.its the high voiced stimulating actions that will help them be eager and to learn and be excited by the world.
everything they see for the first time we should encourage to be excited about
there is also nothing wrong with doggy and birdy or bye bye.i was taught this way for a bit I don't say it now.the repetive and more excited way of saying it is simply an easier way to start learning.
talking baby is fine.
we don't all grow up talking like it.but weve been cuddle and awed at and been beamed at with cutesy words and actions.who cares!
whos to say what is right and wrong way to parent if its caring and nurturing we all have our ways.
if your doing it for you and for your child and not to show off for others then good on you.
why does anyone need to make others feel bad no matter what it is they are doing.
god this world really has gone to the crapper over things.

Omg this thread is so frustrating. So many people obviously don't know what performance parenting is and are getting very defensive. Talking to your children IS NOT PERFORMANCE PARENTING. Talking lots to your children IS NOT PERFORMANCE PARENTING.

OP my DD was a very late talker(no special needs involved). When she was 3y 6months, her nursery teacher gave me a letter to give to DDs doctor to refer her for speech therapy. By the time the appointment came through(5 months later) DD was talking absolutley fine. I didn't think she needed the appt but thought I'd take her anyway. The speech therapist assessed her and told me she was fine and she didn't need to see her again. It can change very quickly

Ok, talk to your son, not down to him and I won't care. It's a dog, not a doggy. A bird, not a birdy. And goodbye, not bye bye. You'll do your ds huge favours if you actually use the correct words. I can't bear it when people say things like lovely lady or nice lady either. You don't know this and your basically teaching your child they can make judgements based on appearance. Performance parenting to me is that cringeworthy cutesy talking to your child. If you want them to talk, have conversations instead and use the proper words for things

You've got that spectacularly wrong.

What you are doing is parenting.
Performance parenting is when you use your kids to show of to other adults.

i just want to add thatiftour child has speech delay
try talking a little jess yourself
don't ask to many questions
if you do count to ten and wait for the answer ...
make simple comment such as
i like the red bus
i'm going to
pay for the
coffee
let's sit here
allow time for responses ..
another thing that helps is to read lots and lots of books ...,,,,

also it's tragic that people think kids need ipads to entertain/keep them quiet ..,
so sad
they need to learn to entertain themselves
daydream
use imaginations