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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - Engagement ring shopping

136 replies

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 10:29

my boyfriend proposed 3 months ago and I loved everything about it. Only thing is, I recently found out he went shopping with his female friend to buy the ring. She's a fairly new friend (only known about 6 months now) who I've never met. But he tells me often that they're very close. I'm upset he wouldn't choose one of my close friends (who he knows well) if he wanted a female opinion. And can't get out of my head that this other woman has tried my ring on before I have!
AIBU?
I haven't raised this to him for fear of ruining the happiness around the whole engagement. How can I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 02/02/2018 10:32

I think YABU. He possibly didn't want any of your close friends to know about the engagement before you did in case they spoiled the surprise so he chose someone not really connected to you?

Whatshallidonowpeople · 02/02/2018 10:33

What is the actual issue here? You don't like him having female friends? You don't trust him?

WonderLime · 02/02/2018 10:34

He wanted to go with his friend, not yours. No big deal.

Plus buying an engagement ring for your girlfriend is hardly something you'd do with someone you are planning on sleeping with.

SwarmOfCats · 02/02/2018 10:35

He took her shopping for a female opinion when buying an engagement ring for you. It’s not like he was using it as an excuse to spend time with another woman so he could flirt with her? As a PP said; maybe he wanted to keep it all a surprise?

Bluelady · 02/02/2018 10:35

Does it matter? It's your ring now and if it wasn't custom made the chances are lots of people will have tried it on. He wanted a woman to go with him and she was the first one handy. It would have been better if he'd taken you so you could choose your own, though.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/02/2018 10:37

Why would she have tried the ring on? Confused

Birdsgottafly · 02/02/2018 10:37

Get to the root of what the exact issue is for you and work on that.

We all have this stuff going on from time to time. The only way to end it is to question yourself and work through it.

Also question what you don't like about their friendship, if anything.

KarmaStar · 02/02/2018 10:38

Hi OP
She went to help a friend choose a beautiful ring for the woman he loves and wants to commit to spending his life with.he wanted a female's second opinion.he would have chosen it for you....remember that and put the rest out of your mind and enjoy your wedding planning.don't let this minor issue ruin a very happy time.

Iloveanimals · 02/02/2018 10:38

Your fingers would be different sizes surely?? Dont think she would have tried the ring on.

Beansonapost · 02/02/2018 10:43

How many people would have tried that ring on?

He too his friend to get his friends opinion...

What is the real issue?

Original poster
Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 10:44

To offer further detail....
He has several female friends which I have no issue with.
He told me in great detail what a lovely time she had trying on all the rings and he chose this one as it was her favourite. Our fingers are apparently the same size!
I think the root of the issue may be I don't understand how she can be so close as to do something so important as ring shopping with... yet not important enough to ever introduce me to her?

OP posts:
walkingdowntheboulevard · 02/02/2018 10:46

Weird! I agree at least he should introduce her. Also why did he choose the one that was her favourite? Bigger issues going on here. I'd be testing him and say you'd love to meet her to thank her for choosing a lovely ring etc etc and insist on it, if he's not happy that tells you what you need to know.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 02/02/2018 10:47

You are not being honest with yourself about the reason

HeckyPeck · 02/02/2018 10:48

He told me in great detail what a lovely time she had trying on all the rings and he chose this one as it was her favourite

That is very odd. Do you think he might have been trying to make you jealous?

Hisnamesblaine · 02/02/2018 10:49

I would not like that one bit. I understand how you would feel put out

Tink2007 · 02/02/2018 10:50

I had no issue until you said he chose that one as it was her favourite. I find that really odd.

Trinity66 · 02/02/2018 10:53

I can see why he'd want a female opinion but yeah she choose her favourite ring rather than going with a friend of yours who have picked what they think would be your favourite ring, I see that logic. On the subject of engagement rings though I'm glad when DH asked me he used a token ring and then we picked the real one out together, you're going to be wearing it forever more so I think it's important that you love it eventhough tbf to my DH he does have great taste when he buys me jewelry

Bluelady · 02/02/2018 10:55

Do you like the ring?

UnicornRainbows · 02/02/2018 10:56

Why did he choose her favourite? It's also very odd you've never met if they're so close. Yanbu.

Original poster
Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 10:57

I do not feel this would be such an issue for me if he'd taken a female friend who I had met before. I feel it is likely I will meet this "ring shopper" at the wedding.
If I am honest with myself as suggested by PP maybe what upsets me is that he is often rather slow to introduce me to female of male friends (I did not meet his best man for 3 years). Whereas I think it's very important for him to know and get on with mine.
It's just a shame that this longrunning disagreement has been associated with our engagement. And I feel now very isolated as do not want even my friends to know of this fly in the ointment.
Hopefully the feeling will wear off with time as I am otherwise still over the moon to be planning the rest of my life with him

OP posts:
Wilson2 · 02/02/2018 10:57

I think that does seem a little bit strange. Mainly that he picked the ring because she liked it? :S But I would highly recommend you talk through your thoughts and feelings with him! It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise and communication is SO important! Just sit down with him and, no matter how difficult it is to say, share how you feel about the whole situation!

fuzzywuzzy · 02/02/2018 10:59

To be honest I wouldn’t like it if DP proposed to me with a ring another woman chose as it was her favourite. I’d expect him to buy something he knew I would love.

How is your relationship normally with your DP, how long have you been together?

PercyPigAddict · 02/02/2018 10:59

Personally I think it's a bizarre practice for a man to have to buy the ring with no input from the person who's going to have to wear it for the rest of her life Confused

Do you like the ring OP? Could the two of you go to the jewellers "to get it resized" and then you "fall in love" with an alternative ring? If it's going to leave a bad taste in your mouth that this woman chose your ring (who gives a fuck which was HER favourite when it's supposed to match YOUR taste?) it's best to get it sorted now.

And for the record, I don't think it's weird that this upset you - but this is mumsnet so everyone will soon pile on to tell you that you're insecure, jealous, crazy etc.

Trinity66 · 02/02/2018 11:00

Do you not go out and socialise together with eachothers friends though? That is odd that he doesn't introduce you to his

Piffle11 · 02/02/2018 11:01

Ask to meet her - might put you at ease. I think that if there were more to it then he wouldn't have said so much about her: she was helping him pick a ring for you and he clearly was happy and excited, telling you how they went about it. And I think it was natural for him to pick the ring that she liked: he probably told her what he thought you would like, what your taste/style is, and she would have told him which one she preferred out of the few suitable. She was there to give a female perspective, which she did. The problem with asking friends is that you never know if they will really keep their mouths shut ... my cousin's friend's mother knew that she was getting engaged before my cousin did, as the friend her then boyfriend asked to help then told her DM ... DM bumps into my cousin and says 'let me see!' and grabs her hand. So she knew a proposal was imminent. A man I used to work with took a female colleague to help pick out jewellery for his GF - there was nothing to it at all but his GF got stroppy when she found out, and I just remember thinking that she must be really insecure. Whilst you don't know this woman your insecurities about their friendship will clearly get the better of you. And congrats on your engagement!