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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? - Engagement ring shopping

136 replies

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 10:29

my boyfriend proposed 3 months ago and I loved everything about it. Only thing is, I recently found out he went shopping with his female friend to buy the ring. She's a fairly new friend (only known about 6 months now) who I've never met. But he tells me often that they're very close. I'm upset he wouldn't choose one of my close friends (who he knows well) if he wanted a female opinion. And can't get out of my head that this other woman has tried my ring on before I have!
AIBU?
I haven't raised this to him for fear of ruining the happiness around the whole engagement. How can I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 02/02/2018 12:10

Oh and it's not 'ungrateful'.

This is 2018. He's not 'choosing' you and showering you with gifts and expecting a dowry.

Most people in an equal relationship go together to choose a ring as a special thing to do together (Sounds like his friend got quite the thrill at being given that experience instead of you). Your engagement ring is the sign of an agreement between you two. Not him being 'generous' in making you his choice.

whiskyowl · 02/02/2018 12:14

He has a female friend, whom he trusts, whose opinion he sought about the ring. She was shopping for you - you are still at the very heart of all this. I don't think there's anything to be jealous of here. You sound like the kind of person who expects the ring to be a surprise, rather than to choose it with your husband as a couple (you say the engagement was 'perfect' which suggests that he got this bit right for you!), and this seems like a practical way for him to achieve that.

Why don't you just ask to meet her, so you can thank her in person for all the effort she's put in? You may get on really well!

ChocolateWombat · 02/02/2018 12:14

Even if he did take her to help choose and it was her favourite ring, the fact he decided to tell you this, plus goes on about how close they are is odd behaviour. Is he lacking in social empathy or possibly on the autistic spectrum? I just wonder, because it's the kind of thing people might say without being aware it might not go down too well.

If it's bothering you (not the ring, but not meeting her) then it's important to say so. If you're going to marry this man, you need to be able to be honest about worries and feelings. And answers need to reassure you, not make you feel more worried. You don't have to go ahead and marry him if you're not entirely happy.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 02/02/2018 12:15

Isn't the idea of bringing someone ringing shopping to bring someone who knows the person wearing it and their taste? You'd get a female perspective from someone in the jewellers, this new friend hasn't a clue what the op's taste is, she just picked out her favourite. I would be really pissed off yo be honest. And the fact he told you about it, and he won't introduce you, I honestly would be changing the ring I think, he sounds like a clueless idiot (at best)

Original poster

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 12:17

I didn't particularly want to go and choose the ring with him. Would've been happy for him to go alone. Or with male friends.

But if he wanted a female opinion I would obviously have preferred it was me. Or someone who knew me.

Very conflicting times. To feel so happy but have this niggling away. Would love to hear my friends'/family's advice but they are all so happy for us and busy congratulating.

... so enter mumsnet

OP posts:

babyccinoo · 02/02/2018 12:19

He's 'very close' with a friend he met only 6 months ago?

I think there is something a bit sly about him telling you this, and how she enjoyed trying on all the rings.

I would start telling him how you close you are to your male friends, see how he likes it.

ObscuredbyFog · 02/02/2018 12:20

He told me in great detail what a lovely time she had trying on all the rings and he chose this one as it was her favourite

Well done for being able to live with that OP, I couldn't. It was not a nice thing for him to do. Every time he bought me something from then on, I'd be wondering if he'd taken this woman with him to see what it looked like on her and if she liked it then she'd choose it and then he would give it to you.

I'm much more hot-headed than you, but that ring would have been off my finger and thrown at him or flushed down the toilet within seconds of him telling me that 'lovely' story.

Talith · 02/02/2018 12:23

Ohhh I'd be fuming!

YANBU. She could have gone and just offered an opinion but she had no need to try any of them on and it would have looked like they were a couple too. I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

Would he like to see her in your dress too? Maybe you could let her have a borrow of it before the big day? After all it could be argued that you having first crack isn't important.

MidnightAura · 02/02/2018 12:24

Yanbu OP

I could understand this if the woman is your friend and knows your taste. But that’s not the case.

I had a friend who asked me to help him pick out an engagement ring for his girlfriend. I had only met her once very briefly. I went but I realised in the first shop that my opinion wasn’t going to help my friend as I had no idea what his girlfriend liked or disliked so we abandoned the plan there and then. I was no help to him, he would ask if a ring was nice and I would say yes or no but had to keep repeating “I like it but I’m not sure if x would”

Eventually he took her sister which was better for everyone.

I would have been a bit upset if DH had taken another woman who I had never met ring shopping when looking for my engagement ring. We went together. It may not have been a surprise but I liked choosing the ring.

Pandoraphile · 02/02/2018 12:29

Weird. Very weird and I personally wouldn't be able to get past it.

I'd rather have the conversation and risk tarnishing the engagement slightly than I would go through my life without being honest with him.

Loonoonow · 02/02/2018 12:29

I agree with you OP. Having such an important and symbolic ring chosen because a stranger liked it would feel impersonal, to me it would feel like it was hers before it was mine.

I have been with a friend to choose jewellery for his wife but because I knew her well I was able to pick what I thought she would like best, not what I liked. For this reason it would have made more sense for him to go with one of your friends or relations. (My DD has told her BF that if ever they get engaged she wants him to go ring shopping with me or her sister!).

I think if I were in your shoes I would change it. I would rather have something not quite as nice that the two of us chose together.

Almostthere15 · 02/02/2018 12:35

I think you totally need to let this go. There's no reason to believe that anyone thought they were a couple, or that she was playing along with that. They may well have told everyone that she was helping. Maybe she has similar style to you, and that's why he chose 'her favourite'.

I went with a male work friend to help pick a ring (for his now wife who I've never met). I don't know if he told her. I'd be mortified if she thought this was a day of me playing make believe because I secretly wanted to marry him. (Especially because I'd prefer to marry someone who already knows my preference for choosing myself and I did!) I went to help my friend, because he asked me and he was nervous and clueless and had no idea about cut or clarity so I could tell he was going to get ripped off. I didn't go to the wedding, and if I had I wouldn't be snide about it. Why are people so suspicious of male/female relationships, it's honestly baffling to me! And if something inappropriate was going on, it's hardly the chat up line of the century is it.

You do have a genuine issue about the intros to friends and I can see that, but otherwise stop letting this tarnish what is a lovely experience (and ring by the sounds of it!).

OVienna · 02/02/2018 12:36

He told me in great detail what a lovely time she had trying on all the rings and he chose this one as it was her favourite

WTAF? Especially since you'd offered. It wasn't like you insisted that it would be spoiled if it wasn't a surprise.

I don't know what to think TBH - it's certainly weird but HOW weird I'd need to judge knowing all the parties concerned. Does he have a history of trouble with 'editing' himself - this was tactless. Having said that, it's the last thing you'd want to be confronted with at the wedding (if she is invited.)

It's definitely possible she got a bit carried away really liked being asked by another bloke in this way for her advice. It's probably all it is. But it doesn't feel right that he has these memories about YOUR ring with another person.

I have lots of male friends through work and I did technically see one of my friend's engagement rings before his wife - due to where we work which is close to a very famous jewellery area...He was excited to share. But I knew his wife to be and had worked with him for some years. Not six months! I cannot imagine one of my male friends ever considering taking another woman to actually shop. Maybe they are more confident? I am not sure what I'd do if I were asked. Certainly not try the rings on though. I could see getting a second opinion if the ring was really out there in some way - but I'd tell them to ask the wife if he wasn't sure. I really struggle with the idea that most people wouldn't...

I think it was a power trip for this woman. Is he senior to her? "He took me to look for rings, I must have great taste/be really important."

cakecakecheese · 02/02/2018 12:37

Her favourite? Er well that's nice but shouldn't the whole idea be to find one that goes with your taste? But then I can see why he'd go with someone whose opinion he clearly values. And at least you will get to choose your wedding ring and she won't be trying that on

diddl · 02/02/2018 12:42

"I think you totally need to let this go."

But Op is upset about it-why should she just "let it go"?

Mix56 · 02/02/2018 12:42

I'd say the real issue is that he keeps his friends private & separate from the person he purportedly is going to love & share everything with ...

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/02/2018 12:44

OP - most jewellers will have a selection of rings that are similar! Unless your ring is very unusual (which is therefore a big risk for him to have let someone else pick!!), chances are there's another ring with a similar style in the shop.

I would return it and look for something else. Even if you return it and buy what is effectively the same ring from a different shop down the road, it will be you and him having the 'ring chosing experience/day out' not him and another woman.

You need to explain all of this to him, how his behaviour has upset you, he dismissed your request to come pick the ring with him. He took another woman and then let her pick your ring. If he wasn't prepared to let you pick your own ring, then why is it better for him that another woman (and this woman in particular who has never met you) picks it.

daisychain01 · 02/02/2018 12:45

This is a completely subjective matter, because clearly there are loads of people who've posted that the best part of the engagement ring 'event' was that their DH chose it for them and it was a surprise.

I'm the polar opposite, no way on earth would that be right for me - I wouldn't want my DH to go off and choose a ring without me there. Not because I don't trust him, It wouldn't feel right. I'd feel a bit cheated that I wasn't an active participant in the decision.

As for your DP going with another woman, that's wrong on so many levels. You didn't get to enjoy the experience, your ring was another woman's choice, if you don't like it you'd always have it held against you that it was because another woman chose it. Jeez, what a crock!

daisychain01 · 02/02/2018 12:47

There's always a back story with these issues, and this is no exception. You putting up with too much shit, making too many important compromises.

Bluelady · 02/02/2018 12:47

You can look at this two ways. You can get angry and jealous and demand a different ring. That way you completely ruin the happiness of your engagement and your memories will also be spoilt.

The other way is to keep the ring you love, explain how you feel to your man and ask to meet the woman whose did such an excellent job of advising him on your ring. You may well really like her, despite having got off to a bad start.

Ignore the comments about pretending to be the bride. I'd lay money she didn't.

Partypopper123 · 02/02/2018 12:49

No it's very weird, I'm pretty chilled out but I wouldn't like this one bit.
It should be your excitement & special moment with him, not hers.

EggsonHeads · 02/02/2018 12:50

YABVU. He wanted to keep it a surprise but also wanted a female opinion. Obviously choosing one of your friends would have been a risk. Take my advice and don't say anything to him about it-any sensible man would he running for the hills if you picked a fight over something like this.

Almostthere15 · 02/02/2018 12:52

Well @diddl because honestly it doesn't sound like it's helping the op at all and is taking the shine off what should be a lovely thing (no pun intended).

And all the snide comments about the woman pretending to be his fiancee are, in my view, really weird. Why would she do that? Why would OPs OH allow her to? It's such a leap and I think it's making OP feel worse not better when she readily admits she likes the ring.

rocketgirl22 · 02/02/2018 12:53

Call the jewellers, tell them you would like o exchange the ring - check it is okay to choose another. You may need to ask them for some good will on their part, but hopefully they will be accommodating

Quietly sit down with dp and tell him you love him deeply but are not sure about the ring that was chosen and go together for a day out and change it.

Some point down the line a talk about boundaries and friends might be a good idea? You need to meet his friends and he needs to meet yours. Going ring shopping with another woman I didnt even know wouldn't sit well with me either!

daisychain01 · 02/02/2018 12:53

If he's running for the hills (poor lamb, microscopic violin) I'd say the OP has had a lucky escape and saves her from doing the running. What would possess a man to lay it on thick with a trowel about how another woman helped chose her ring and what a great time she had.

He's light on the emotional intelligence stakes, and I'm being kind there.

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