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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? - Engagement ring shopping

136 replies

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 10:29

my boyfriend proposed 3 months ago and I loved everything about it. Only thing is, I recently found out he went shopping with his female friend to buy the ring. She's a fairly new friend (only known about 6 months now) who I've never met. But he tells me often that they're very close. I'm upset he wouldn't choose one of my close friends (who he knows well) if he wanted a female opinion. And can't get out of my head that this other woman has tried my ring on before I have!
AIBU?
I haven't raised this to him for fear of ruining the happiness around the whole engagement. How can I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:

MermaidHead · 02/02/2018 11:02

YANBU, it all seems a bit strange. He’s probably trying to make you jealous (men can be weird) but I’d defo arrange to meet her with him there..that way you’ll know for sure.

diddl · 02/02/2018 11:03

Well you would think that it would make more sense to take someone who would have an idea of what you would like-otherwise she has just chosen what she likes? and surely he could have done that alone?

"He told me in great detail what a lovely time she had trying on all the rings and he chose this one as it was her favourite"

Why would he do that?

Did you want the ring to be a surprise & he knew that?

If not, you could have been the one trying on rings & choosing your favourite!

Original poster

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 11:05

I love my ring and wouldn't change it for the world! Just wish I could go back to not knowing the story of how it was chosen. As they say, ignorance is bliss.

I will admit that his slowness to introduce me to friends is a running theme of our relationship. We have been together for just over five years now. We've discussed it on multiple occasions and he has acknowledged this and improved. But clearly not as much as I thought if this new mystery friend is ring shopper close.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/02/2018 11:06

I wouldn’t like how hesitant he is to introduce you to his friends.

I wouldn’t like the way he talks about her and I wouldn’t like that he bought HER favourite ring.

I think you’re unhappy about this for really good reasons and I can sense you trying to sweep this under the rug. Don’t. I know you love him & want to get married...BUT do not ignore what you are thinking/feeling. It’s better to face up to it and possibly separate now, than a few years down the line. Listen to your gut, not your justifications.

Royalfuckup · 02/02/2018 11:07

Hmm. I am with you in that it’s weird that he doesn’t want to introduce you to his new friend.

However, I don’t think he was unreasonable not to go ring shopping with his friend and not yours.

ProfessionalPirate · 02/02/2018 11:09

Personally I think it's a bizarre practice for a man to have to buy the ring with no input from the person who's going to have to wear it for the rest of her life confused

Why? The thing I love the most about my engagement ring is that my husband picked it out himself and went to great lengths to do so. I think of that every time I look at it. No judgement on women who would rather pick their own, but it's not for everyone.

OP, yanbu I would feel put out to. However, I can see from your posts that this is just the way he operates, so assuming it's not a dealbreaker, I guess there's not much to be done and it's best to move on. What has he said when you've brought it up? Do you like the ring?

StayAChild · 02/02/2018 11:09

Is she a work colleague? They may have had conversations about engagement rings and he might admire her taste/knowledge in jewellery enough to ask her opinion on choosing.

Don't let it spoil things for you. It's you he wants to spend his life with. I doubt he would be taking anyone shopping for rings if he wasn't totally committed to you. Stop letting it eat away at your relationship and concentrate on an amazing future together.

Billben · 02/02/2018 11:10

I’m with you on this one. SHE chose the ring you’re going to wear for the rest of your life (hopefully) because that was the one that SHE liked. Personally, I don’t feel sentimental about my wedding ring, but I do about my engagement ring. And I would not like this one bit. As ungrateful as that sounds. But then again, I’ve never understood how somebody can go out and spend ££££ on a ring, without consulting the person who is going to have to wear it.

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/02/2018 11:10

I will admit that his slowness to introduce me to friends is a running theme of our relationship. We have been together for just over five years now

To be honest, I wouldn't tolerate this. Especially after being together for 5 years. I wouldn't have accepted a proposal unless I was completely happy with the relationship and not meeting his friends would be a serious issue for me. You don't have to live in his pocket but it sounds weird to have not met friends after so long together.

mamas12 · 02/02/2018 11:10

Hmmm I think the ring has highlighted this issue of him keeping you at arms length from his friends
Why does he feel he needs a separate life from you, you are supposed to be joining your lives together when you marry
Very strange
Why don't you have an engagement party and tell him that you'd like to meet them all as it would be quite strange to have so many strangers at your wedding

thecatsthecats · 02/02/2018 11:11

I'm not sure why people are questioning him choosing the one that was her favourite.

I mean, if he could choose without help, he wouldn't have taken someone to help him. He chose the one that the person he'd asked to advised him thought was the best. If I take friends to help me pick something (rare, because I rarely give a fig for other's opinions!), I take their advice.

OP - she probably got overexcited by the rings, if she likes pretty jewellery and isn't engaged herself. That's all it will be.

He should be introducing you to these people though - I've become so close with my fiance's friends that he complains that ALL the friends are my guests really!

AmberTopaz · 02/02/2018 11:12

How does he know her? Is she part of a wider group of his friends? If so, maybe organise a night out with all of them? I agree I would want to meet her too (but casually rather than making a big deal of it).

Trills · 02/02/2018 11:12

I think it makes sense to take someone you don't know, so there was no chance that she'd give it away if you saw her between the choosing and the proposing.

Although personally I would want to shop for rings together - if there's a piece of jewellery I'm expected to wear every day for the rest of my life I want it to be one I've chosen.

Lalliella · 02/02/2018 11:13

*Personally I think it's a bizarre practice for a man to have to buy the ring with no input from the person who's going to have to wear it for the rest of her life confused

But he didn’t pick him himself did he? He had help from someone who isn’t OP and who doesn’t even know her. YANBU OP. HIBU. I think he should have involved you in the choosing, you’re the one who’s going to be wearing it at the end of the day, and involved no-one else.

Lalliella · 02/02/2018 11:13

Bold fail

ProfessionalPirate · 02/02/2018 11:15

I’ve never understood how somebody can go out and spend ££££ on a ring, without consulting the person who is going to have to wear it.

Hopefully the couple in question will have been together long enough to have an inkling where each other stands on this one. Personally, I wouldn't want to be getting engaged to someone who didn't know me well enough to be able to pick out a ring that I would like

g1itterati · 02/02/2018 11:17

Who is this woman and what does she have to do with the price of the fish - let alone YOUR ring?

It is quite unusual and yes, I would be perturbed as well. It just wouldn't sit right somehow.

Could it be that she heard he was going ring shopping and foisted herself on to the trip and he sort of said, "oh ok then," without really thinking it through? This might be a bit different to him explicitly asking her to go?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 02/02/2018 11:18

Perhaps he chose the one that she coincidentally liked best? It sounds weird though. Would he not have been better taking a ring you already have to be sized and asking someone who had already met you and knew your taste what you might like?

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/02/2018 11:18

What would upset me is that he took someone who would only be able to pick the ring they would like him to buy for them, because they have no idea what you are like, so could not pick a ring they thought you would like. If he'd taken one of your friends, or even one of his female friends/wife of a close friend to help him pick, then they would be picking a ring with you in mind. She could only pick a ring she'd like, and he went with her opinion.

You aren't wearing a ring that anyone picked because it would be the best ring for you, but one you are wearing because it would be the best ring for this random woman you've never met.

Personally I'd insist on changing it to one you go together and chose together. The woman having the romantic ring shopping trip with your future husband should be his future wife. If he wanted to pick for you before hand, then he should have picked, or taken someone who knows you well enough to help him pick the best ring for you.

This ring sums up his problem of compartmentalising his life, and if you are going to be a unit, it's got to stop. Fine having your own friends, not fine to hide them from you/be reluctant to let you meet them.

Change the ring or it'll bother you.

Original poster

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 11:19

I knew the proposal was on the cards somewhat, as he'd mentioned to me he was agonised about how difficult it was choosing rings.

I suggested we go together to try and take away from his stress but he didn't like that idea. I didn't feel strongly either way so went with his wishes to go alone. It's a personal decision I see why some people choose their own and some don't.

I can understand why he wanted a female input, especially as he'd said beforehand he was finding it difficult.

But can not help feeling my ring was chosen by someone who doesn't know me. Feels as impersonal as it can be. I mean good on her that I did like it in the end. But feels like sheer luck almost?

OP posts:

ProfessionalPirate · 02/02/2018 11:19

But he didn’t pick him himself did he? He had help from someone who isn’t OP and who doesn’t even know her.

Well, yes, that was one of the points I was making, and why I would also feel upset in OP's position. Not sure how you extrapolate to say that all engagement rings should be purchased with the ring-wearer present. Who the hell are you to speak for everyone else?

Lalliella · 02/02/2018 11:22

Who the hell am I? I am an expert on all matters!

Lethaldrizzle · 02/02/2018 11:23

My dh chose my ring all by himself with no help from anyone, especially not me! It was a lovely surprise

bluescreen · 02/02/2018 11:31

Congratulations on your engagement!

I can understand why this ring-choosing business bothers you, but really some men are utterly clueless about choosing something for another, while others may need reassurance. Perhaps your OH is one of those? I don't buy the suggestion that he told you about the friend to make you jealous! It's much more likely he told you to try to show that he made the decision as wisely as he knew how. It probably never occurred to him that it might trouble you.

Why don't you ask him to meet this good friend, whom he trusts so much and who has such good taste? That should put your mind at rest.

middleclasstwat · 02/02/2018 11:31

maybe you feel a bit intimidated by this female friend, I think I would especially if she chose the ring. try not to dwell on it and remember he proposed to you

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