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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - Engagement ring shopping

136 replies

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 10:29

my boyfriend proposed 3 months ago and I loved everything about it. Only thing is, I recently found out he went shopping with his female friend to buy the ring. She's a fairly new friend (only known about 6 months now) who I've never met. But he tells me often that they're very close. I'm upset he wouldn't choose one of my close friends (who he knows well) if he wanted a female opinion. And can't get out of my head that this other woman has tried my ring on before I have!
AIBU?
I haven't raised this to him for fear of ruining the happiness around the whole engagement. How can I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
JesterA · 02/02/2018 14:37

I have to say in all honesty I wouldn't like it. I don't even know why! I just wouldn't. Would feel like a very sour spot. I have never been engaged but it feels to me like this is quite an intimate thing, you will be wearing this ring forever.

TieGrr · 02/02/2018 16:06

It would bother me. Choosing your ring together could have been a lovely experience for you both but he took that option away from you and let someone else have it instead. Even if the ring wasn't for his friend, they still have the memories of the day together.

2017RedBlue · 02/02/2018 16:09

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Gemini69 · 02/02/2018 17:02

Honestly, I think you are being a bit of a loon

and Honestly.. that is very fucking unfair Hmm

BrownTurkey · 02/02/2018 17:23

I am not sure this issue festering is ok for you. I remember that as part of a marriage preparation course (DH is Christian) we were given some questions/sheets to work through - truly embarrassing but important stuff to talk about before marrying (kids, finances, sex life, chores). I wonder if under this kind of guise you could work on addressing some of the issues - like boundaries with friends, male and female - talking about your opinions and expectations.

AgathaF · 02/02/2018 17:29

I think you can (and should) voice your unhappiness about this without turning it into a "blazing row". At least I hope that's possible, otherwise you maybe need to re-evaluate your relationship. Can't you just say to him that you love the ring but would have preferred for it to either be a joint choice between you and him, or just his choice, and not the preference of a fairly new friend that doesn't know you?
You need to get this off your chest, and he needs to be aware that he has hurt your feelings over it. It's not unreasonable to feel this, but it would be unreasonable to have to keep it to yourself because the alternative would cause a huge row.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 02/02/2018 17:47

She doesn't sound like a loon at all Hmm
I think this has highlighted the friends issue again for you & you should absolutely speak to him about that & the way the ring was chosen-I think if you don't it will fester & you'll end up not wanting to wear it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/02/2018 18:55

I think women put too much emotional significance on the choosing of a ring as a nice coupley activity and a lot of men don't.
They buy it because it is traditional/expected but they are not equating it with love, they just want to get something you like and think another woman will be better at knowing about rings. If it was a woman friend of his who didn't like you then that would be different.

That's not to say you are wrong to be concerned at not knowing his friends.

Whiterabbitears · 02/02/2018 19:31

I don't get why he needs a female perspective on choosing a ring, we all like different things so even though she loved it, you might hate it. Having a vagina doesn't mean she automatically knows which ring is best for you, she hasn't even met you ffs!

YANBU OP I would be really uncomfortable with this, every time I looked at the ring it would remind me that another woman chose it. I would ask him if you can swap it as it isn't to your taste, and as it means so much to you it needs to be the right ring. As he didn't choose it himself it won't offend him will it?

AgathaF · 03/02/2018 07:41

If it was a woman friend of his who didn't like you then that would be different - she has no idea whether the woman likes her or not. She hasn't met her which is part of the problem.

OVienna · 03/02/2018 09:13

Op not sure if you're still reading but I also wonder about your reluctance to tell a RL friend about this. Is there a reason why you feel they might not reassure you/give him the benefit of the doubt the way some posters have on here?

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