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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - Engagement ring shopping

136 replies

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 10:29

my boyfriend proposed 3 months ago and I loved everything about it. Only thing is, I recently found out he went shopping with his female friend to buy the ring. She's a fairly new friend (only known about 6 months now) who I've never met. But he tells me often that they're very close. I'm upset he wouldn't choose one of my close friends (who he knows well) if he wanted a female opinion. And can't get out of my head that this other woman has tried my ring on before I have!
AIBU?
I haven't raised this to him for fear of ruining the happiness around the whole engagement. How can I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/02/2018 11:35

he's a DICK for telling you who someone else and not him chose your 'lifetime' engagement ring.. he's a bloody PRATT who should have kept his mouth firmly shut Flowers

Bellamuerte · 02/02/2018 11:36

I find it odd that he has a female friend you've never met, and that he chose HER favourite ring instead of choosing what he thought YOUR favourite would be. If he's already proposed then why wouldn't he just take YOU shopping to choose your own ring? This would ring alarm bells for me and I'd feel uncomfortable enough to want to return the ring.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/02/2018 11:37

I would not like that one bit.

Ring would be going back no matter how loved - and I'd be suggesting we go ring shopping together instead.

No way would I want some random coming up to me on my wedding day smirking and asking me how I liked the ring she chose for me...

diddl · 02/02/2018 11:38

Wonder why he didn't like the idea of you going together even after you suggested it?

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/02/2018 11:38

But can not help feeling my ring was chosen by someone who doesn't know me. Feels as impersonal as it can be. I mean good on her that I did like it in the end. But feels like sheer luck almost? - this is the problem. That isn't a ring that was chosen for you. It's a ring that was chosen for another woman and luckily you have similar tastes.

Your DP found chosing the ring difficult, so he just didn't, but then didn't let you pick your own either, or get someone who knows you choose the ring for you.

You kind of need to have that row and explain slowly exactly why that is a problem.

(And I would insist on a new ring, if he wants to pick it by himself, fine, he goes back himself - if he doesn't want to pick the ring by himself, then the woman who choses it should be the one who'll wear it.)

Trinity66 · 02/02/2018 11:41

No way would I want some random coming up to me on my wedding day smirking and asking me how I liked the ring she chose for me...

That's what I was thinking too Grin

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/02/2018 11:44

oh and yes, I'd be uncomfortable about both his and her boundaries. She doesnt know you, yet was happy to go with your boyfriend to pick your engagement ring. It's a very close and "couply" thing to do, I would be certain that most people serving them thought she was the bride to be.

That he wanted to take her opinion over other woman who know you, and that she was perpared to give up her free time to go pretend to be his fiance, is worrying from both sides.

They both have happily overstepped what normal people would think is the line of acceptablity. That might be it, but I'd be wary.

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/02/2018 11:46

You definately need a "If we both haven't met them, they don't get a wedding invite" rule ! (preferably when you do meet her have a different ring on your finger...)

Eltonjohnssyrup · 02/02/2018 11:46

My husband took his ex girlfriend (who was married by that time). Happily married for 18 years. I believe ex is a vicar now. I really wouldn't sweat this at all.

Original poster
Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 11:46

I do lean towards gemini69's point that he's just an idiot for telling me as opposed to it being anything malicious.

Changing the ring would feel like cutting my nose off to spite my face for sure.

Definitely my own insecurities as if he took a hapless male friend I'd never met (who would've probably picked something I'd hate!)I would have found that endearing. Just need to get over that mental hump that I'm wearing a ring she chose for herself not me.

First time posting on mumsnet and I'm loving it! Even the comments telling me YABU. The complexities of being female...

OP posts:
diddl · 02/02/2018 11:47

"That he wanted to take her opinion over other woman who know you,"

And over the Op, who offered to go.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/02/2018 11:48

How did he meet her?

Original poster
Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 11:48

I had not even considered that the people in the store would've viewed them as a couple Confused oh dear

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 02/02/2018 11:48

He's asked you to marry him btw. And I don't know how helping him pick a ring for another woman he is obviously in love enough with to propose is 'close and couply'. If there is any outing which makes clear a woman is firmly in the friend zone, that is it!

diddl · 02/02/2018 11:53

If you'd like to take it back & choose your own ring-just tell him.

If you can't do something as simple as that, should you be getting married??

He didn't think of your feelings at all when he didn't want you to go with him, took someone who doesn't know you & then blabbed about what a great time she had trying on rings & choosing what she liked!

CurlyRover · 02/02/2018 11:53

I would not be happy with that tbh. Taking a friend with you- fine. Being together 5 years and not introducing friends and clearly taking into account your friend's preference over your future fiancee's - not fine.

I'd be upset at that too OP. Sorry if I've missed it and you've already said. Have you tried speaking to him about how it makes you feel? Communication is so important and perhaps just having him acknowledge how you feel would help?

2017RedBlue · 02/02/2018 11:55

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/02/2018 11:55

Of course the staff thought they were a couple! They were a young couple looking at engagement rings, she was trying them on, they bought the one she wanted.

It's a big boundary cross. It doesn't put her in the 'friend zone' - it puts her in the zone of woman who he's happy for random people to think is his partner.

He might just be hapless, but needs this pointing out to him.

I would really be wary about why she was happy to do this.

PaintingOwls · 02/02/2018 11:55

But can not help feeling my ring was chosen by someone who doesn't know me.

Do you think you'd feel the same if he took the advice of a sales rep?

Anyway the ring is a red herring, you have much bigger and more pressing issues in your relationship and I would hold off on marriage until those were ironed out.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/02/2018 11:56

I suggested we go together to try and take away from his stress but he didn't like that idea. I didn't feel strongly either way so went with his wishes to go alone

but he didn't go alone, did he? He chose to ask this woman to go with him and choose rather than go with you and choose. Sorry but I'd be really hacked off now. If he wanted to choose himself, fair enough to say to you not to come (though if it were me, I would want to choose my own ring). But he actually didn't want to choose himself at all. Liked the idea of taking her though.

And yes of course the people in the store would have thought that they were the couple. Because it's more usually a lovely close couple thing to do - to go ring shopping together. Which it seems was what they did - with her having a great time trying on lots of ring and saying what she liked, NOT her simply asking what kind of thing you liked, what your colours were etc. Right-o.

Potentially quite an enjoyably charged atmosphere between them for an afternoon eh? Angry

It certainly isn't cutting off your nose to take back a ring that quite possibly you won't 'get over' - I would absolutely be saying, you know what, now I've had this ring for a couple of weeks I'm finding it quite bland - looks like your new bestie isn't such a good judge after all. I would like us to take it back and go shopping TOGETHER for a ring please, as is perfectly normal for most couples.'

FizzyGreenWater · 02/02/2018 11:57

Oh and I can't see why on earth she would be coming to the wedding if you haven't even met her.

Original poster
Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 11:58

Just to clarify I love the ring. No point in changing it as I'd pick the same exact one!

We have very good communication in general. I just need to weigh up if raising this one is worth it.

It has put a slight dampener on the engagement for me. But we are otherwise very happy together. Explaining how I feel would not be able to undo him taking her to choose it. I do not want him to feel I am ungrateful, and spoil his feelings of the proposal/engagement also.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/02/2018 12:08

We have very good communication in general.

If you're doing what he wants?

You wanted to choose your ring.

He stopped you, saying he wanted to choose it.

Then he took another woman to choose it.

Not good.

Now you don't want to explain how you feel about that unless it is really 'worth it'.

What does that mean? Why is it at all 'good communication' to let him think you're ok with something that actually is not ok? That's the definition of poor communication.

Suddenly I can see why despite wanting to, he's successfully deflected you from meeting his friends etc.

Have a think about all this, is what I'd say.

And go and see if there's a ring you would actually like more. Especially if (as is clear as a bell) you aren't going to feel it's 'worth it' to tell him that you don't want random people you've been kept from meeting at your wedding.

Eliza9917 · 02/02/2018 12:09

he chose this one as it was her favourite

I'm normally pretty easy about all this kind of stuff & not jealous etc at all but I wouldn't want the ring if I'd been told this. He should be picking what he thinks YOU will like, not some friend of 10 minutes that tried them all on and was probably pretending it was her & him getting engaged. Fuck that.

I'd make him return it and take me shopping to choose a ring myself. That's a very disrespectful thing to tell someone about their ring imo.

OakIsBetterTho · 02/02/2018 12:10

Ohh why would he do that?! That would bother me too OP, how disappointing to have that tarnish what should be an incredibly happy time. I just don't really know what to suggest, because it is all said and done now. If it's truly bothering you, then don't be a martyr and just suck it up and not mention it to him on the basis of saving his feelings. You need to be able to speak to each other, it's not a great start to your married (soon to be!) life if you can't communicate about issues.
My gut feeling is that I'd want to swap the ring... but honestly I don't know if that would be an overreaction as I just don't know how you feel!