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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? - Engagement ring shopping

136 replies

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 10:29

my boyfriend proposed 3 months ago and I loved everything about it. Only thing is, I recently found out he went shopping with his female friend to buy the ring. She's a fairly new friend (only known about 6 months now) who I've never met. But he tells me often that they're very close. I'm upset he wouldn't choose one of my close friends (who he knows well) if he wanted a female opinion. And can't get out of my head that this other woman has tried my ring on before I have!
AIBU?
I haven't raised this to him for fear of ruining the happiness around the whole engagement. How can I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:

OVienna · 02/02/2018 12:59

She's not being Very Unreasonable EggsonHeads in one important regard which is the oddball way he told her about it. The shopping may have been harmless, how he told her was not. He went into some detail about what a lovely time they had.

This is actually the bit I'm curious about - whether this is sort of new behaviour. She's already said the not introducing to friends isn't.

rocketgirl22 · 02/02/2018 13:00

If you still feel upset three months afterwards and you do seem that way, the chances are these feelings aren't going to go.
I would not want to start my married life under any kind of cloud, so change it op.

MidnightAura · 02/02/2018 13:00

Why do people keep saying that if he couldn’t take her friend? It’s not that difficult to keep your mouth shut! I’m sure if the any of the OP’s friends are blabber mouths who wouldn't be able to keep quiet her DP would know that as he knows them quite well.

I don’t think it’s about picking a fight, there is nothing wrong with the OP telling her Husband to be how him telling her that another woman had a great time trying on all the rings and he picked her ring because it was the woman’s favourite. That is insensitive. There was no need for him to tell her that. (Coincidentally Why was she trying on all the rings? It wasn’t for her! And I say that as someone who was asked to pick a ring for someone’s girlfriend, I didn’t try on any rings, that’s just weird)

rocketgirl22 · 02/02/2018 13:02

Letting go is easier said than done too!

How often does he spend time with this friend? It seems to me to be a very intimate thing to do, going ring shopping.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/02/2018 13:03

If you are already saying this put a dampner on your engagement, I’d exchange the ring tbh. Why would you keep it if it were to remind you of the situation you find annoying.

Doobigetta · 02/02/2018 13:04

I wouldn't like it either, OP. This is what I'd do now if I were you:

Insist on meeting her before the wedding, to the point that if you haven't, she doesn't get invited
When you do meet her, be really nice
Give her a chance for half an hour, just in case it turns out that she is actually lovely and you want to be friends with her
Then confide in her that you were originally a bit put out that he had taken another woman to choose your ring, but now you've met her you feel so much better because you can see it's not like that AT ALL
Still don't invite her to the wedding if you aren't keen

I'm not actually a horrible person, but I'll put someone their place very quickly if it's necessary.

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/02/2018 13:07

Basically OP - YANBU to be upset by this!

You aren't being a princess, or ungrateful.

He did do something that is unacceptable for many people, that it involved an expensive gift for you doesn't make it any better.

You are allowed to be upset about how your ring was chosen, even if the ring itself is nice.

If this is part of a bigger issue of him having strange boundaries re his friends (both male and female) and compartmentalising his life, being reluctant to let you have access to part of it.

You might use this ring as a catalyst to letting him know what behaviour you will and will not tolerate.

Don't set a wedding date with this hanging over you. You are right to be upset, you are right that this isn't 'normal' behaviour - and therefore you are right that it's odd that she went along with it too.

Original poster

Maxinemax · 02/02/2018 13:13

OH does from time to time lack emotional intelligence. He's been genuinely shocked in the past when I've explained I'm upset about not being introduced to close friends.

I don't in any way think he's trying to make me jealous or deliberately keeping this woman from me. But it's not fair on either of us for me to continually prompt him to arrange a meet up with each friend. It should come from him.

The changing of the ring is entirely off the table. Shopping for a different engagement ring now would be a very hollow and upsetting experience for the both of us. And result in a ring with even worse memories.

We will get our day ring shopping together when we choose wedding rings. God HELP him if he utters a single opinion OW has on wedding rings. She will not be involved in any way.

Still weighing up whether he needs to know, against the blazing row popping the engagement bubble.

OP posts:

Honeycombcrunch · 02/02/2018 13:14

YANBU I think you should have chosen your own engagement ring. At the very least he should have asked someone who knows you well to go with him.

You have to talk to your fiancé about this because it's making you unhappy and also you don't want him asking this mystery friend to help choose your wedding venue or honeymoon. Tell him that you understand he had the best intentions but you want to pick out another ring for yourself.

Bluelady · 02/02/2018 13:15

You sound incredibly sensible, Maxine. I hope that man of yours appreciates how lucky he is.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/02/2018 13:18

Ah the old lack of emotional intelligence. He just doesn't realise.

Genuinely shocked but not proactive in organising meetups.

If only arranging for you to all go out together to meet was as easy as arranging with his new female bestie to go ring shopping.

Gemini69 · 02/02/2018 13:18

I'm so sorry Sweetheart.... I do hope you find a way forward

PrettyBelle · 02/02/2018 13:23

He picked the ring that she liked most because he had asked her to come along specifically to help him choose the ring. He wasn't sure that he would select one that you would like so he went for a female opinion (which is kind of reasonable). And then he followed her advice.

What's weird about that?

Eilasor · 02/02/2018 13:24

YABU but I understand. DH went with his ExW to choose my engagement ring. ExW and I are closer now than we were at the time (never had a bad relationship but didn't know her as well as I do now) so it was a bit weird. She 'helped' him choose me a beautiful ring though, so I can't complain she has impeccable taste. He does not--

Nikephorus · 02/02/2018 13:25

If there is any outing which makes clear a woman is firmly in the friend zone, that is it!
This, but not only from her point of view but also from the shop assistant's. It will have been perfectly obvious to them that she was there as a friend and as a sounding board - I bet there were a lot of 'do you think she'll like it' queries aimed at both the friend and the assistant!
And as to why she'd be trying them on (aside from the enjoyment factor for her) - a ring will look different against skin as it does on a tray / in a box. He'll have been trying to judge what it might look like on your finger. When you're buying clothes you get a better idea of look once you've tried it on - a ring is no different. (Just don't let him choose the wedding dress!)
I admit that I compartmentalise friends (and all areas of my life). It never occurs to me to do otherwise and when I have done it's always felt a bit odd. Maybe he's just a bit like that. It means nothing, it's just how some people are.
Just say that you'd 'really like to meet her, given that she's been involved in choosing the ring. I feel a bit weird at the thought of some other woman I've never met trying it on first so it would be good to get to know her' - something casual and non-accusatory. You don't want to provoke a row but equally if it doesn't get brought up now it could do later...

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/02/2018 13:27

You should not be avoiding pointng out his actions have hurt you for fear his reaction will be a blaizing row. That relationship dynamic is poision.

Tell him that you are upset and why. If you don't think you can do it calmly, can you write it out in an email/letter to give him chance to read and take on your feelings, rather than him shouting to try and defend himself, without thinking if you are right to be hurt?

He's done something to upset you, even if he didn't plan to upset you, his reaction to having this pointed out should be sad that he's hurt you and want to make it better. If it's not, don't marry him.

Violletta · 02/02/2018 13:30

surely he just picked some he liked and then asked her which was the nicest??if

g1itterati · 02/02/2018 13:30

OP, can I ask how long you have know him and how old you both are? What's the wider context?
It does sound odd that he describes himself as "very close" to a woman he's only known for six months. That alone would make me very suspicious, regardless of the ring scenario.
Be very careful that he's not one of these that will cause you to have perpetual niggling insecurity. As for men who profess to have close female friends, sorry but b***ks to that. I just don't buy it and would be assessing his motives - attention-seeking, manipulative, clueless, inept, needy, poor boundaries - or any combo of these?

Screaminginsideme · 02/02/2018 13:31

Pop the bubble- don’t start your married life afraid to discuss things that upset you. If you can’t raise this now what other things are you going to bottle up in the future? I’m learning what a mistake this is 18years down the line. If something upsets you you should discuss it. Also I think you should be meeting people he trusts enough to buy something so important with I agree that if you haven’t met then they don’t come to the wedding(family possibly not included).

TournesolsetLavande · 02/02/2018 13:31

He told me in great detail what a lovely time she had trying on all the rings and he chose this one as it was her favourite.

Are you sure? Great detail? About something shopping related?

He is like no other straight man I've ever met in my life in that case.

Notonthestairs · 02/02/2018 13:43

I can see why you'd be narked and you are def not crazy. I think you can say to him how you feel that it's weird your ring was partly chosen on the advice of someone you've never met - but presumably he liked it too and maybe he can reassure you that the ring was one of his favourites. Rings do look different once they are on a finger (any finger!) so I can see why he'd want to see it worn.

If it makes any difference my ring was chosen by committee of women my DH worked with and who I didn't know. It's a lovely ring but wouldn't have been the one I chose. However I've had it on 14 years and never think of them at all. It's your ring and it was given with love.

As for the slowness of introducing friends - also something that would irritate me a bit - but I think engagement parties, weddings, and all the occasions that will spring up over the years will break down those barriers gradually.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/02/2018 13:58

tbh I think you are being overly sensitive about another female you haven't met being involved in helping chose your ring. He picked your ring because he liked it, do you think he hated it and only choose it because it was his bff favourite? Unlikely.

I've been married to my dh for 15 years, together for 24 years and I haven't met some of his male/female friends he's had for decades, some he's even been on holiday with and I haven't met them or feel the need to have an introduction. Just because they are his friends doesn't mean they need to either be my friends or introduced so I can size them up. We are compatible because we both don't have problems with this and we trust each other 100%.

But you aren't me, and if its a problem for you, you do need to speak to your fiancé and tell him exactly why its a problem, explain to him why it is a problem for you for him to have friends you don't know, and a problem for him to ask those friends to go shopping to help advise him on anything that is for you, then you both can discuss if you can compromise/are compatible.

ChocolateWombat · 02/02/2018 14:01

Sounds like one of 2 options to me;

he is totally clueless - possibly on the autistic spectrum, so has no idea that this would be hurtful.
he said it to be manipulative and make you feel insecure.

Op, you will be able to judge this from your know,edge of him. Is he manipulative and someone who does and says things to make you feel insecure and 'keep you on your toes' - men who do this may be very controlling. They get engaged as a means of control, but don't want e woman to feel safe and secure in the relationship.
You've said he can lack emotional intelligence. If this is the case and he often says this kind of thing which hurts and worries you, you need to decide if you can marry a man who hasn't much sensitivity or empathy.

The fact you aren't sure whether to address it or the issue of him never letting you meet the friend, suggests communication isn't totally open between you. With someone you intend to marry it's so important to be able to raise the kinds of thoughts and talk them through. It's a sign and measure of the strength if your relationship. Are you worried he won't react well to the issue, or be defensive or angry or cold....or what exactly. Are you willing to continue in a relationship where you can't talk about these things that bother you, or if you do talk about it and he refuses to introduce you?

Choosing a ring with another woman there to give an opinion isn't a problem, in my book. Going on about how he loved choosing with her and he chose it because it was her favourite, and going on about how close they are, but not being willing to let you meet her, is a problem in my view.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/02/2018 14:05

Honestly, I think you are being a bit of a loon and building this up into far greater significance than it actually has.
Lots of men are shit at ring shopping. Not knowing what to get you and asking for help, doesn't mean they don't know you or love you less. For lots of men, one piece of bling is much the same as another. I'd be pleased my dp took someone with good taste, who helped him get something you love. Clearly she was the right choice because you have a ring you love. Is it so terrible that she had a good time trying on the rings - I'd have enjoyed it too, it doesn't signify anything deeper than that.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/02/2018 14:08

Sorry, posted to soon. Where you do have a problem is that you have gotten engaged to a man you don't seem to know. You shouldn't be marrying someone who has chunks of his life closed off to you - meeting their friends is important!

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