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AIBU?

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Original poster

Au pair yelled at ds

259 replies

bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 01:29

We're on holiday in a beach resort type place

Hanging out at the resort playground today. Ds (4) has been playing with a couple of kids (one 6 a girl, 5 a boy and his sister 2) for a couple of hours.

All being adorably sweet and playing some nice game involving being Octonaughts.

The 5 year old and 2 year old are being watched by an au pair/nanny type of girl. She looks about 15/16. Parents are down the beach a little.

The boy suddenly really smacks his head. Starts bawling and the au pair is trying to comfort him.

Ds walks over and tries to stroke the kid's back like the au pair was doing.

The girl screams 'get away from him, just go away!' and gives ds a little push.

Ds comes back a little miffed and hurt but not lastingly bothered.

I was about to go and tell her she was totally out of order. And tell the parents what she'd done too.

Dh stopped me and told me I shouldn't.

So I didn't but now I'm cross with myself. Yes she was only young, and I wouldn't have kicked off, rather told her it's not ok to speak to people like that at all or lay hands on them even if they had done anything wrong. Which ds hadn't, he was trying to be helpful.

(Obviously my instant reaction was to shove her face in to the sand and go all 'Hand that Rocks The Cradle' on her. Angry)

I should have pulled her up on it no? I feel like a failed ds a bit today. Sad

OP posts:
BlueMirror · 02/02/2018 14:41

If your kid was nearby and she wasn't watching closely then she might have just assumed that he was involved. Especially if it looked like he was coming to say sorry?

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:41

You were quite happy to to sit back and let your ds play for 2 hours whilst you got a free sitter and didnt lift a finger to help or think to rush over and help

Have you read any of my posts? Hmm

OP posts:
BlueMirror · 02/02/2018 14:42

Oh. X posted.
Likely she just wanted some space to assess the situation if he hit his head. As I said it would depend on whether it was a 'stop' hand out or a full on shove as to whether it was unreasonable.
Lovely of your boy to go and check on him but sometimes it's better to let the adult deal with it then ask if they're ok after.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 02/02/2018 14:43

You keep harping about her grumpiness and saying that it was a red flag to you as a professional nanny, yet you are perfectly happy letting your kids play with her charges while staying at the other end of the playground... Yeeeaaaaahhhhhhh.... I think with this kind of reasoning, you would do well to remain limp and get your courage with a keyboard....

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:43

She didn't engage with ds ONCE apart from this incident.

I helped her kids a couple of times on the climbing frame when they were stuck and they'd come over to me occasionally to chat.

Honestly, with do people make up their own versions of stories on Mumsnet? Just so you can be spiteful?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 02/02/2018 14:43

People really do project on here. We were much more likely to play with other children when we were growing up than children are today. And how does him playing with their DC make him a PITA?? I actually quite like it when my DDs play with other children, it means that I can sit down and watch them and not be hassled to join in the game.

BlueMirror · 02/02/2018 14:45

I think if all the kids were just playin and the adults supervising that would be fine but I imagine the 2 ye old would have needed a fair bit of help so it may have seemed to the teenager she was stuck entertaining them all.

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:46

God, I can just imagine you poor dh trying to enjoy his holiday while you whip yourself into a self righteous huffing fit

Well ain't you a peach @Elementtree ?

Yes, poor poor dh with his harpy, self righteous wife.

Don't worry, I'll have a pina colada for you later. Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:49

So was I meant to tell ds not to go near her charges? Seriously? 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
RolyRocks · 02/02/2018 14:52

I do think it's quite common to hire 'mother's helpers/playmate' types here. I hired an 11 year old last summer to just play with ds while I did some house work/ accounting. I haven't actually seen her with the kids without them around.

See, this is where I think there has been a bit of cultural confusion OP because this would just not happen in the UK (hire an 11 year old I mean) and I don't think you realise that this is where some of us have had to draw conclusions (that are obviously not the correct ones) based on what we understand to be the case over here. this is why it would have been helpful to know your weren't British in the OP

Ok, so it is common to pay very young teenagers or children to supervise your kids during the day/on holiday, where you are from, so therefore, yes, I would agree with you that the parents paying this young girl would need to know that she lost her cool for a split second and any other negative behaviour (you say the girl has been acting meanly when they haven't been looking too).

Elementtree · 02/02/2018 14:52

I wouldn't go as far as harpy but definitely a fusspot. And you can keep that Pina Colada, coconut cream has no place next to run.

Elementtree · 02/02/2018 14:52

Rum

Jenna43 · 02/02/2018 14:57

Your 4 year old was being annoying

How the hell do you know, you weren't there. Sounds to me like he was being caring, but hey, I wasn't there either so I don't know either.

Marcine · 02/02/2018 14:58

She shouldn't have pushed your ds, but she's very young and was obviously stressed.
You could have intervened quicker to stop your ds getting involved.
It wouldn't have been appropriate to go and tell her off at the time, and now the moment has passed with no harm done.
Let it go.

StandardRussian66 · 02/02/2018 14:58

It depend which person you are in the story.
I would be annoyed by child patting my crying child and push them away.
In the Other side I would be annoyed someone push my child and would say something.

I think most people the same. It’s perspective.

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:59

@RolyRocks yes sorry, maybe I should have made that clear.

They're aren't American though. I mean, maybe they are now but they were speaking Dutch or German to each other. Don't know how common it is there to employ younger people

The au pair/girl wasn't American either I don't think. She was speaking in English to the kids. I can't place her accent though, I only heard a few words and I'm crap at accents.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/02/2018 14:59

Agree with most. YABU.
Your dh was right. You need to get it in proportion.

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 15:00

Well it was 24 hours ago so I'd look a little nuts saying something now.

OP posts:
Jenna43 · 02/02/2018 15:03

Honestly, with do people make up their own versions of stories on Mumsnet? Just so you can be spiteful?

Yes, spot on.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 02/02/2018 15:17

To be honest, I can't quite see the mechanics of this scenario - she was sitting with her arm around her charge, when your DS approached and tried to stroke the child's back. She then screamed at him to go away and shoved him. Which part of his body did she make contact with? What was the level of force? Presumably, your DS wasn't unbalanced / knocked over, or you'd have said so?

I can't quite envisage how she could have pushed him to any degree from that position. I can more clearly imagine an attempt to brush his hands off the child in her care, which is a more reasonable course of action. If she really did manage to shove him, that's inappropriate, as it would be to an adult. If she was brushing him away, that's entirely appropriate, for child or adult.

bbcessex · 02/02/2018 15:17

I'm amazed that anyone thinks it's ok to push a child 🤔
In what world is that ok?

OP - I can understand why you're running through it in your mind.. you would have been 100% entitled to tell her never to do that again.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/02/2018 15:18

If the parents were only 20 feet away, wouldn't they have noticed that the teenager shouted ?
Do teenagers have any volume control ?
The parents may well regard shoutig as ok; many parents themselves shout or scream, at least occasionally.

Were they looking at their own screaming child at all, while the older child pushed your DS ?
If it was a reasonably gentle push, they might well not be as shocked as you think, in the circumstances, where the baby-sitting child was stressed, helping the hurt child.

Your DS sounds a lovely kind boy and it's good that he can play with other kids, without you needing to be very close.
However, that does mean he may get his feelings hurt occasionally, if other parents accept or do things you wouldn't.

The stressed teen definitely shouldn't have done what she did, but is it really worth trying to get her into trouble for something that only hurt your son's feelings ?
Besides, parents who delegate responsibility to older children might not react well to anyone who complained about the consequences.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 02/02/2018 15:23

I think it was a over reaction on her part, but the child may have additional needs and the carer was trying to handle it before it became much worse.

Jenna43 · 02/02/2018 15:32

I'm amazed that anyone thinks it's ok to push a child 🤔
In what world is that ok?

Isn't it just bizarre?

SweetMoon · 02/02/2018 15:38

I think YABU too. I think perhaps you saw your DS trying to comfort screaming child by patting his back which you probably thought was adorable. However, if it was my screaming child and a random other kid came over and was basically getting in the way of me calming child down/assessing injury and not leaving him alone I'd be a bit snappy too. And i'm not a teenager.

You say it was a little push, so I'm assuming it was a gentle "get off" type of push with some stern words, because she was suddenly in a stressful situation and didnt need your child in the way. If however she sent him flying backwards onto his arse then of course thats out of order. But sometimes when little kids don't move or do what they are told you have to physically move them out of the damn way and be firm with them. She may have snapped at him, have you never snapped at anyone who was annoying you when you're stressed?

What you saw as sweet and adorable, other people will see as annoying and in the way.

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