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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Au pair yelled at ds

259 replies

bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 01:29

We're on holiday in a beach resort type place

Hanging out at the resort playground today. Ds (4) has been playing with a couple of kids (one 6 a girl, 5 a boy and his sister 2) for a couple of hours.

All being adorably sweet and playing some nice game involving being Octonaughts.

The 5 year old and 2 year old are being watched by an au pair/nanny type of girl. She looks about 15/16. Parents are down the beach a little.

The boy suddenly really smacks his head. Starts bawling and the au pair is trying to comfort him.

Ds walks over and tries to stroke the kid's back like the au pair was doing.

The girl screams 'get away from him, just go away!' and gives ds a little push.

Ds comes back a little miffed and hurt but not lastingly bothered.

I was about to go and tell her she was totally out of order. And tell the parents what she'd done too.

Dh stopped me and told me I shouldn't.

So I didn't but now I'm cross with myself. Yes she was only young, and I wouldn't have kicked off, rather told her it's not ok to speak to people like that at all or lay hands on them even if they had done anything wrong. Which ds hadn't, he was trying to be helpful.

(Obviously my instant reaction was to shove her face in to the sand and go all 'Hand that Rocks The Cradle' on her. Angry)

I should have pulled her up on it no? I feel like a failed ds a bit today. Sad

OP posts:
MissP103 · 02/02/2018 13:56

Sounds like she panicked and was stressed about the way. A 4yo coming and stroking his back would be very irritating and my first thought would be for him to get away. You should have stopped your d's or called him away.

Lizzie48 · 02/02/2018 13:59

OP: AIBU?
MN: yes
OP: no I'm not (continues to argue and act unreasonably)

For goodness sake, this stupid playground type post, grow up!!

Lizzie48 · 02/02/2018 14:02

And just to add, for the child, the 4 year old is not a stranger. They will think of him as a friend.

And yes, the OP is arguing, but that doesn't make her more unreasonable, she's allowed to disagree with you. Most of us agree that the girl shouldn't have shouted at her DS or pushed him away.

It's an overreaction to consider speaking to the parents though.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 02/02/2018 14:06

I'm usually the first to leap down the throat of posters who assume everyone on MN lives in SE England; but given that you've just written that you worked in London you can hardly be surprised people assumed that!

If this girl is actually 15 and an employee you should be considering reporting potential human trafficking and modern day slavery, not a teenager losing her cool with a unknown kid who wasn't being closely supervised.

But the likeliest scenario is she's a sister or cousin who's pissed off at spending her holiday minding toddlers inside of taking selfies on the beach.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 02/02/2018 14:10

I've just read your previous posts and seen you're in Florida.

It is not at all normal to employ 15 year olds as full time caregivers in the United States.

Either this girl isn't 15, or she isn't an employee. Either way, you don't seen to have a very firm grasp of what's happening.

kubex · 02/02/2018 14:11

I agree with the majority, YABU!

When the teenager supposedly screamed at and pushed your DS, she didn't know the severity of the boys head injury.

She was trying to assess the injury and your son was in the way.

You should have gone over to move him yourself and you should have explained to him that in situations like this, he needs to stay out of the way until he is told otherwise.

I honestly cannot understand why you remained where you were while this was happening!

NewYearNiki · 02/02/2018 14:13

You were quite happy to to sit back and let your ds play for 2 hours whilst you got a free sitter and didnt lift a finger to help or think to rush over and help.

Nope. Just worry about your precious self.

Swatsup · 02/02/2018 14:15

Tell the parents! I would love to know that the person looking after my kids was obviousaly upset and worried about my kid when they had just bumped there head.

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:16

Sorry, I realise saying I lived in London would make it likely I was still in the UK.

Why do I need a firm grasp? Am I meant to go and quiz them as to their exact relationship?

OP posts:
Getoutofthatgarden · 02/02/2018 14:18

I'm shocked at some of the responses on here. I'm sure none of us would be happy if an adult pushed our 4 year old DC and screamed at him

I can't believe some of the responses on here. People trying to pretend they're 'cool' with some-one pushing and shouting at a 4yo childHmm. I've seen threads descent into chaos because some-one has posted that some-one has said something to their child outside a supermarket or similar...and people lose their mind...telling the OP how DARE someone do that etc. But hey, apparently it's okay to push a child now.

Dixiestampsagain · 02/02/2018 14:22

I’m confused as to why if the parents were only 20feet away, they didn’t go over when the child had hurt themself?

Getoutofthatgarden · 02/02/2018 14:23

The op should have been actively parenting her own child instead of expecting an au pair that someone else was paying for to do it for her

This^ really annoys me about Mumsnet. You have totally fabricated that. At no point has OP said the girl was minding her child. OPs child is 4, old enough to move a little bit away from his parents but still within view.

DotForShort · 02/02/2018 14:23

When I was a few years older than the babysitter in the OP, I worked at a summer day camp in the US. One day some children were riding bicycles around the playground and one child fell off his bicycle. He was sobbing and I was terrified that he had really hurt himself. While I was trying to comfort him and assess his injuries, another boy ran up and kept asking if he could use the injured boy's bicycle. I snapped, "Shut up!"

I shouldn't have said that. I was completely wrong. But I was truly frightened and my fear expressed itself in snapping at the other child. Perhaps something similar was going on with the babysitter in the OP? She shouldn't have shouted at or pushed the child but I can understand that we don't always behave well when frightened. I wouldn't say anything about it now. Water under the bridge.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2018 14:26

OP: AIBU?
MN: yes
OP: no I'm not (continues to argue and act unreasonably)

Not quite. Not everyone on here has disagreed.

It was a normal holiday situation where a child has found other children to play with in sight of the parents.
But then one of the other children hurts themselves, cries, the OP's son is worried and kindly tries to help then the girl looking after the child overreacts and pushes him away.

The OP didn't do anything wrong! I can understand why she wanted to go and say something because her son was just being kind and if the girl couldn't just tell him to go back to mummy whilst she sorted out her charge then she went over the top.

It's not like the OP went off for lunch or a swim and left them to it.

And the level of projection, spite and general nastiness on here, as opposed to 'No, don't agree, your son and you were wrong' is absolutely ridiculous.

Furiosa · 02/02/2018 14:27

YANBU. Your son didn't deserve that reaction and you don't deserve the shit you're getting on here. Ignore and enjoy your holiday.

Getoutofthatgarden · 02/02/2018 14:28

Also given the woman's age of about 16, she is likely to have felt put upon by any extra children

One of the children is only 2 and the op remarks her ds had been playing with them for 2 hours

Long time to leave a 16 year old in charge of 4 children, one of them only 2 years old

You need to read the thread again. What you've said^...yeah that never happened. Why can't people just stick to the facts? The 15/16yo wasn't 'in charge' of OPs child at all.

Lizzie48 · 02/02/2018 14:32

Exactly, @Nanny0gg are we all supposed to be helicopter parents now? On holiday children meet other children and play with them, same as adults might chat to someone in the bar or by the pool. (I hide behind a book but that's me! Smile)

The OP could have called her DS away but it probably all happened very quickly.

SandyY2K · 02/02/2018 14:34

Me being me would have ignored my DH and had a word with her about pushing my child.

I'd still say something if I saw her later today or tomorrow tbh. I'd be annoyed if the holiday ended and I didn't say anything.

ChampagneSocialist1 · 02/02/2018 14:34

No she shouldn't has pushed your ds but then she is 15-16 and doesn't have the experience or restraint of an adult. Your ds is your responsibility and if you were watching him all the time you should have gone straight over when you witnessed the other boy hurt himself i) to resume responsibility for your ds and ii) find out what's happened and to offer to help if possible.

Unfortunately there seems to be a rise in parents these days who allow their dcs to run around in public spaces undersupervised in the mistaken belief they are being adorably sweet whereas in reality they are being a PITA to other people.

Jenna43 · 02/02/2018 14:35

So it's ok to push people now?

As much as it is to walk up and stroke a stranger

OMG. Get a bloody grip of yourself. We're talking about a 4 year old child here who was comforting his new friend and a 15/16 year old who should have known better. Disgraceful comment.

I seriously think people come on Mumsnet now and don't even read the opening post, their main aim seems to just be to disagree with the OP, no matter the subject. I have never met anyone in RL who would agree that pushing a child is acceptable.

yeahforfriday · 02/02/2018 14:36

Now - had she taken the book out of my hand? At that point, I think I'd have got cross - but would you have pushed said child?

It is not OK for anyone to push anyone. I don't care how stressed they are, or we could all start using it as an excuse.

I actually would go and speak to the parents - surely this would be a safeguarding issue for the parents? So nanny/au pair/sister/cousin whatever, gives one of the children she in minding a little shove because she is stressed she has had a row with her friends/partner/parents?

FWIW op I do understand where you are coming from. Someone upset your LO (although not massively). You know that actually the situation was a bit fraught and so you consoled your DS and listened to your DH instead of going and saying something and now you feel guilty and bad that actually you let someone be mean to your LO without saying something.

YANBU to feel like this, I think as a mom it is quite natural.

YANBU to mention something to the parents as she could do the same to the children she is minding or may be struggling to cope generally.

YABU to try to bring it up with her directly as her actions probably didn't even register in the heat of the moment.

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:37

When did I say she was in charge of four children?!

The other little girl's parents were sat watching her. I was watching ds. The other two were playing with them. She wasn't doing any more watching than we were.

I'm really surprised the parents didn't do something. They weren't facing the playground but I'm sure they must have heard. Maybe they didn't but I'm quite finely tuned to ds' scream and I'm sure I would have heard him.

They're out again this morning, but without the teenager.

I do think it's quite common to hire 'mother's helpers/playmate' types here. I hired an 11 year old last summer to just play with ds while I did some house work/ accounting. I haven't actually seen her with the kids without them around.

Maybe I'm over sensitive about this kind of thing. Twice I've reported people to their employers for the mistreatment of children in their charge. It's not a decision I made lightly but it had to be done.

OP posts:
BlueMirror · 02/02/2018 14:37

Was your ds the reason he hit his head? Maybe the au pair thought she was protecting the child from more harm if he was playing roughly? If she wasn't watching properly she may have thought your child pushed them even if it wasn't the case.
As for her pushing your son if it was a hand out guiding him back because she didn't know how badly the child was hurt then not u imo. If it was a full on shove then obviously that would be u.

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:39

No the kid jumped off a play frame at a weird angle and jumped in to the bar above if you see what I mean?

So he jumped from a side monkey bar in to the one above. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 14:40

She saw it happen, she knew it wasn't ds' fault.

OP posts:
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