Taking partners foreign surname

[AmIBeingCrazee]

Hi all,

Just something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m a white woman in the UK with an Irish surname. My DP and I have talked about marriage in the future over the past year and it’s made me think. He has a common Asian surname as he is Vietnamese. Think ‘wong’ ‘chang’ ‘nguyen’.

Is it silly to think about in the future if people see my name written down before they see me in person, they would think I’m completely different from what appears by my name. For example my race, which could affect job applications and such.

In my first job my managers name was Ms Ngenda and I was very surprised to see her in person upon meeting as a white lady. Just goes to show preconceived impressions.

Anyone else had a similar experience taking a foreign surname ?

(We chose our DD's name before we were sure of her ethnicity - our DCs are adopted. We could have changed it to one matching her ethnicity, and that's still an option for her when she's older).

You need to consider possible children in this. They can be bullied if they have a foreign sounding name. Shouldn't happen but unfortunately children are cruel and adults often are unaware this is going on, and you are right about the possibility of employers being prejudiced. Often the assumption is that a person with a foreign sounding name might have language difficulties so they are not called in for an interview. Sad, but it does happen.

If the children are part Asian, and look part Asian, it's hardly going to make a difference to bullying if they take your name not his.
Having the name from your own ethnicity is standard (my examples notwithstanding).

Depends where you live too. We are in a very multicultural area-there are only 3 white british kids in her year. Only one has an “english” name. Several of the african heritage kids have very english names, some have very african names. Others have polish or European names, some are mixed race, some are white.

If you went down her class register you would only be able to correctly guess the ethnicity of 1/3 of the class. Dd thinks Chukwuma and Blessed are perfectly normal names- probably because nobody has ever sniggered at them and made fun....

Most of the bullying and name calling i have come across is parents pointing out to their kids that little johnny has big ears, or omg who would call a child that...or little mary has short hair like a boy, her mum should let her grow it, she’d be really pretty....

What a total waste of time, adding yourself up to see if you are more or less of a feminist. All things to do with marriage are things that individual women can choose, wearing an engagement ring, wearing white, being "given away" are all as equally rooted in patriarchal tradition as name changing. But they are all things that individual women can choose and whether they got more feminist points in their marriage because they didn't do them is not going to do much to bring about equality and re-address the balance for our daughters. I'm more worried about things that are really out of women's control like wage inequality, than if one person went from being Ms Smith to Ms Singh and lost a feminist trump card.

But they are all things that individual women can choose and whether they got more feminist points in their marriage because they didn't do them is not going to do much to bring about equality and re-address the balance for our daughters.

Of course it does. DD (7) understands completely the origins of her names. She knows I didn’t change mine when I married DH, and why. She knows that we don’t wear rings. She knows that we both earn money (I wasn’t looking for a prince) and take equal responsibility for our family. She knows male and female are equal in this house and will fight for it outside.

That can only be a good thing for her as she grows. DH only has brothers and their wives have name changed on marriage. Her cousins 6 and 5) already talk about being Mrs Somebody one day, because that’s all they know.

I took my DH surname and initially I had the same reservations as you. It's an unusual Asian name and it doesn't really work with my British sounding first name. Now? I love it. My old name sounds alien to me and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person around with this combination of names. I've not had any issues with employment/ discrimination type issues, but I do feel that my CV clearly reflects the fact I'm British and have lived here all my life (school/uni dates, types of qualifications etc.) Own it OP, there's nothing wrong with 'different'

I have an Eastern European surname and I fucking love it.

Yes, it’s annoying to spell to people on the phone. Yes, no one can pronounce it without being told.

But it’s me, all my friends through my life have called me some variety of it rather than my first name.

I have never encountered any discrimination or anything because of it. It’s a nice talking point ‘ooh where’s that from then’.

However, i’ve never had to apply for the kind of work where CVs get binned for haveing a ‘forrin’ name.

My (English) friend also has an Eastern European name and she found that she was struggling to get office agency work. She’s taken her husbands normal English sounding name and thinks she gets lots more interviews and roles now. One anecdote doesn’t make a pattern, but that was her experience.

I wouldn’t change my name on marriage. I love it.

I wish I felt like that, @FluffyWuffy100 I think my dislike of my maiden name (why the hell do we call it that??) has more to do with the connection with my abusive father, which I've been trying to escape all my life.

I wish I felt like that, @FluffyWuffy100 I think my dislike of my maiden name (why the hell do we call it that??) has more to do with the connection with my abusive father, which I've been trying to escape all my life.

If you hate your name, just choose a new one! You don’t need to get married to do it.

My friend has a normal very British sounding first name with very common Chinese last name. Think Elizabeth Cheung.
Her husband is Chinese and she is white and blonde. People are always confused when they know her name ahead of time and then they meet her and people often say something like "you weren't what I was expecting". She says the first time she meets an interviewer or has a meeting with someone or something they usually spend a bit too long staring at her - trying to figure it out she guesses.
She's not sure if she's been discriminated against though really. You'd hope not obviously but people can be real idiots.

I have got a new name, and I'm happy enough with it, thanks. It's too late to do anything about it now, though, so there's no point worrying about whether I did the right thing.

Our family name means a lot to my DDs, though (they're adopted), so I will be very encouraging of any desire they may have to keep it when they get married. They may want to go back to their birth mother's name, that too would be their right. They are birth siblings after all.

"I love the fact that we all share a name even though we're Spanish, British (Persian) and Japanese!!"

Out of sheer idle curiosity/ignorance I have to ask why you say 'Persian' and not 'Iranian' since what was Persia is now Iran.

TittyGolightly do you, your husband and your daughter to educate your family so they can break out of the 1950's? Because if that's all they know they must be living in a bubble. I live in the developing world in a very male dominated country and I don't know single one little girl, rich or poor, that only aspires to being someone's wife.

TittyGolightly do you, your husband and your daughter to educate your family so they can break out of the 1950's? Because if that's all they know they must be living in a bubble. I live in the developing world in a very male dominated country and I don't know single one little girl, rich or poor, that only aspires to being someone's wife.

Not actually what I said.

I keep my distance from DH’s family to be honest. It’s more 1850s than 1950s.

(And being not-sexist, DH’s family are his, not mine.)

Why would you take anyone's surname on getting married? That's a bit archaic isn't it?

My white grandma has a Pakistani surname and it very rarely affects her.

Insomniac when I was in Iran a lot of Iranians will describe themselves as Persian because they are, some are Kurds or Azeri though. Many Iranians will say what ethnic group they are, they see Iranian as a collective nationality and Persian as an ethinicity, so if someone is Persian they might not be Iranian and if someone is Iranian they may not Persian.

I keep my distance from DH’s family to be honest. It’s more 1850s than 1950s.

That's sad, poor girls.

I have a long foreign surname from another white European country, from my paternal grandfather. Other than people struggling to spell/say it, I've never encountered any prejudice that I'm aware. Maybe I just haven't noticed?

Thank you very much for the info, LinoleumBlownapart

Sadly, employers can be judgemental about things like being a woman, race, disability so I can empathise with your worry.

I'd be thinking of double barrelling in your situation, OP.