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Original poster

Taking partners foreign surname

227 replies

AmIBeingCrazee · 01/02/2018 17:34

Hi all,

Just something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m a white woman in the UK with an Irish surname. My DP and I have talked about marriage in the future over the past year and it’s made me think. He has a common Asian surname as he is Vietnamese. Think ‘wong’ ‘chang’ ‘nguyen’.

Is it silly to think about in the future if people see my name written down before they see me in person, they would think I’m completely different from what appears by my name. For example my race, which could affect job applications and such.

In my first job my managers name was Ms Ngenda and I was very surprised to see her in person upon meeting as a white lady. Just goes to show preconceived impressions.

Anyone else had a similar experience taking a foreign surname ?

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 02/02/2018 11:12

I was gobsmacked to find out women can legally change their name on marriage by simply taking they marriage cert to the bank/passport office.

Men cannot. They have to change their name by deed poll.

Which to me says an incredible amount about the inequality of the whole changing name on marriage thing. It basically makes the marriage certificate a critical document for women- who will need to produce it to prove name change for the rest of their lives, whereas a man will probably never need to look at it. Even if he changes his name to his wifes.

Until the law is changed so men can change their names by producing a marriage cert it's always going to be unequal, because it is easier for a woman. And men have male privilege in that currently they don't need to acknowledge, prove or admit to being married in any situation. Whereas women declare it even before meeting someone- using mrs, name change, rings....

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2018 11:35

Just double-barrell it for paperwork etc... but keep your surname for business etc....
If you are worried about racism then this must be the best way to go?
No it's not right but as you know it does exist.
Changing your name is right PITA, especially when you want to change it back!

NameChange30 · 02/02/2018 11:38

“1) Traditions and rituals mean something and I want to demonstrate my commitment to my husband and his family.”

These two arguments in particular annoy me.

Traditions “mean something”, yes - the name change tradition means that YOU ARE YOUR HUSBAND’S PROPERTY. Nice.
Is that what it means to you?!

You are demonstrating your commitment by GETTING MARRIED. You know, the legally binding part. The part where you have wedding vows and are tied together legally and financially until you die or divorce.

A woman shouldn’t have to “demonstrate her commitment” by changing her name because a man is never expecting to demonstrate his commitment by changing his name.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2018 11:39

expected not expecting

TittyGolightly · 02/02/2018 11:40

Changing your name is right PITA, especially when you want to change it back!

Another strengthening of the “women never own their surnames” bullshit

LinoleumBlownapart · 02/02/2018 11:40

The entire institution of marriage is sexist. Anyone having a traditional wedding is also perpetuating sexism, all married people are perpetuating sexism. But it's a choice, should it be done away with because it has sexist origins? Doing that is not progress, telling women what to do with their lives and their choices is not progress.
Many countries don't have the naming tradition, women keep ther own name in my husband's culture, that doesn't magically make it less sexist. The attitudes towards women need to change, women who choose to change their name are excersising their choice, just as women who choose to get married or take maternity leave are also making a choice, saying they shouldn't do it because it has sexist roots is removing the choice and the opportunity for women to change those things and force them to evolve and break away from their sexist past, by women owning, controlling and choosing how to use them

TittyGolightly · 02/02/2018 11:41

all married people are perpetuating sexism

Huh?

NameChange30 · 02/02/2018 11:42

I disagree that marriage is sexist.
Marriage provides protection to the spouse who reduces their earning power/potential to have and raise children. That spouse is usually the wife although it doesn’t have to be. So marriage is often beneficial to women.

specialsubject · 02/02/2018 11:42

does that bonkers statement include gay marriage? Can two blokes or two women be sexist?

Marriage is an easy legal protection in the UK.

Flomper · 02/02/2018 11:43

I have the name I was born with andalways will. My dc have their fathers name, purely because its a nicer name and they couldnt be double barelled, otherwise I'd have insisted they had mine. The earth continues to spin. Everyone knows their names. Everything is fine. There are no issues with my children having a different surname to me. The school call me Ms myname and the others their names. I honestly dont understand why women still change their names on marriage - other than "its traditional" all the associations are negative.

blackberryfairy · 02/02/2018 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2018 11:44

Also I’ve already addressed the “choice” argument but people are (predictably) ignoring my point that we can’t have true free choice until the context of our choices is more equal.

Flomper · 02/02/2018 11:45

Why does one spouse have to reduce their earning power on marriage? Another ludicrous out dated notion.

blackberryfairy · 02/02/2018 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 02/02/2018 11:47

Your race shouldn’t affect your job applications in the UK.

But it absolutely will...

NameChange30 · 02/02/2018 11:47

Flomper
No one said they have to Hmm
But many couples choose to have children which means that one parent (usually the mother) often does reduce her earning power through choice or necessity.
Again, not always a completely free choice.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2018 11:49

Well Flomper because many women give up their careers to raise their children.
It's a fact.
It happens every day.
On occasion it's the man but that is not the norm.
Being 'out of work' for a few years reduces your earning potential as you've had a career break.
You see it all the time!

Bellamuerte · 02/02/2018 11:49

I've had my surname for a long time (approaching 40 by the time we married). Also I don't particularly like DH's surname. So I kept my surname when we married. It's surprising how many people (especially older relatives) seem offended by my choice. Some people even insisted that my surname changed automatically on marriage and if I wanted to stay as Ms MaidenName I'd have to legally change it back (not the case).

I don't judge women who take their DH's surname. The point is it's their decision! My own decision was based less on feminism and more on the fact that I'm comfortable with my surname. If DH's surname was nicer I might have taken it.

OP, call yourself whatever you want. The point is you have that freedom! People will undoubtedly assume your ethnicity based on your name; if you feel comfortable with that then nobody else's opinion matters.

blackberryfairy · 02/02/2018 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peachplum60 · 02/02/2018 11:54

Just have the two sue names then you can choose to use just one of them or both

sinceyouask · 02/02/2018 11:54

I took DH's Polish surname. People definitely make assumptions. I enjoy confounding them.

He was up for taking mine, or for both of us taking each other's and creating a new double barrelled name to share. It's simply because we were the epitome of lazy at that point in out lives that we ended up both using his birth surname- all I had to do was show my marriage certificate, not fuck around with deed polls (plus all the paperwork Poland would have wanted of him).

I really like my married name, and it has always felt like my name, and I will use that name for far longer than I used my birth surname, and I just don't care that some other women are annoyed by my choice. Because it's my choice and not theirs.

littlepooch · 02/02/2018 11:55

I'm the opposite - I had a foreign surname and took DHs English one. I've haven't noticed any difference in how I'm treated but I'm sure people must be surprised when they call my name and I stand up Smile

Flomper · 02/02/2018 11:57

But many women dont, myself and many of my friends included. Just accepting it as "the way it is" perpetuates it and allows organisations to do it to women - there is no orgnaic reason why have a child and maternity leave should reduce your earning powers anymore than the fathers. Hence my 2018 comment. Its changing, finally, in uk society at least (look at the BBC) so the OP shod feel free to keep her own name if its such a potential issue for her. Its depressing the number of young women who still see chaging their names and giving up their careers as the default norm.

LinoleumBlownapart · 02/02/2018 12:07

The institution of marriage has sexist roots, just as the name changing does, but what is it? OK for the notion of marriage to evolve and change with the times but not the choice of name changing? That's hypocritical. Those who are saying there is nothing sexist in their marriage are right. There is nothing sexist in my marriage either, just as there is nothing sexist in my choice to change my name. My husband is Brazilian, women don't change their name in Brazil. Does that make it any less sexist? Fuck no! I did it because I wanted to show a union of our cultures. My children were born in the UK, English was their first language etc etc, changing my name was something from my culture that I could use to the advantage of my newly formed family. It would be different perhaps if I'd married a British man.
But no, apparently according to some on this thread I and others that name changed are perpetuating an idea that men own women because we're brainless sheep that are indoctrinated into our sexist culture Hmm

FeijaozinhoMae · 02/02/2018 12:09

@AnotherEmma

None of my comments were "arguments" as it goes. Merely opinions. And frankly whether it annoys you or not is not reason to share such aggressive views in this thread. It's actually none of your business.

You really need to dial back your aggression and perhaps offer something constructive to the post originator who might have her own views on traditions.

Her question wasn't about whether or not she should take her husband's name because it is considered sexist or oppressive in the relationship, but actually about whether or not it will hold her back in her career and make life difficult for her.