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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking partners foreign surname

227 replies

AmIBeingCrazee · 01/02/2018 17:34

Hi all,

Just something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m a white woman in the UK with an Irish surname. My DP and I have talked about marriage in the future over the past year and it’s made me think. He has a common Asian surname as he is Vietnamese. Think ‘wong’ ‘chang’ ‘nguyen’.

Is it silly to think about in the future if people see my name written down before they see me in person, they would think I’m completely different from what appears by my name. For example my race, which could affect job applications and such.

In my first job my managers name was Ms Ngenda and I was very surprised to see her in person upon meeting as a white lady. Just goes to show preconceived impressions.

Anyone else had a similar experience taking a foreign surname ?

OP posts:
barbitarojo · 02/02/2018 08:55

I have a very traditional English first name and an African sounding surname.
I am neither of those things and often get the surprised look when someone sees me after they've read my name.
Most people ask if I'm mixed race and I just say yes if I'm not going to be seeing them again as it's just easier than explaining where the names come from

g1itterati · 02/02/2018 09:04

"How odd that you consider the husband's name to be his own but the wife's to be considered her father's"

But it is - because names are passed down the male line as default in the UK. So a boy knows that by default he "carries" the name that has been passed down to him through probably hundreds of years of the male lineage before him. He knows he has his father's name, as does a girl in the same family. But the way a name is inherited is patriarchal, so it's not surprising women feel less ownership if their given surnames and are more willing to change them in marriage.

DenPerry · 02/02/2018 09:05

My DP has a foreign surname from the Middle East and I haven't taken it, I love my surname. My kids have it though. Never had any issues with discrimination, only curious questions as they both have typical english first names.
I think if you take his name then yes people will assume you are asian before seeing you but I don't think they will discriminate you for it.

HollyBayTree · 02/02/2018 09:09

kaytee87 Im just pointing out that ethnicity can work in your favour. Personally I'd rather have some one with competancy, but so long as the box is ticked and quotas filled, it keeps people happy Hmm

NameChange30 · 02/02/2018 09:11

Well that’s not true for everyone; some mothers do pass on their names to their children.

The problem is that when people argue that women’s names belong to their fathers, that they should change their names in order to be a “unit” and share a name with their children, it just perpetuates the sexist cycle. In order to break it, more women need to keep their names and pass on their names to their children. Until we have more equal numbers of men and women keeping/changing their names and giving their names to their children, I don’t believe that we can truly have a free choice. We are influenced consciously or unconsciously by the norms and expectations around us.

kaytee87 · 02/02/2018 09:12

@HollyBayTree I'm not saying it can't ever work in your favour but that wouldn't be the case with op.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2018 09:12

Cross posts. I was responding to glitterati.

Flomper · 02/02/2018 09:19

oh fgs its 2018! Just get married and keep your own surname! Or chnage it and use your maiden name as a professional name.

LinoleumBlownapart · 02/02/2018 09:28

I've never had a problem and have used my husband's surname for 16 years. I did once have a Dr ask me if I was Italian and a man in the bank spoke to me in Portuguese but that's all. It's a bit of a non-identifing Latin surname though. More common surnames that are associated with cretain countries or cultures might have different results.
I took the surname because I wanted to, not because my husband's got me chained to the kitchen sink Grin

g1itterati · 02/02/2018 09:33

Well if you don't change your name, your children have to have a different name to one or other of the parents and most people prefer not that do this. Or you double-barrel, but again, not all names combine well and many people just can't be bothered.

LinoleumBlownapart · 02/02/2018 09:41

Also if you double barrel you get judged. The only thing you are permitted to do is keep your own name like the free women of Italy, Spain and Portugal....

areyoubeingserviced · 02/02/2018 09:43

I didn’t change my name, but sometimes use dh’s name ( Spanish) with anything regarding my dc
For some reason, people are often surprised to see a pale skinned whites woman with blonde hair.
I definitely believe that having a foreign sounding name can be a disadvantage in some organisations. There is evidence to prove this. It’s a fact

ReggaetonLente · 02/02/2018 09:47

I didn’t change my surname to DH’s when we married for several reasons, this being a big one. Just don’t bother, it’s fine!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/02/2018 09:49

I didn't change my name to DH's foreign one. Mainly because I don't believe in changing names on marriage so didn't want to. I don't identify with my DH's name. I am not a dick about it - the DC's school sometimes refer to be as Mrs DH name because the DC have his surname - I never correct them as it would be OTT and unnecessary.

DH's name is hard to place and so people often mispronounce it. It looks vaguely like an Italian name but is actually a transliteration of an Arabic name. DH is convinced people treat him differently because of his name but I suspect it is his first name they are responding to as that is more obviously Arab.

taskmaster · 02/02/2018 09:49

It’s amazing how many women dislike their surnames. Presumably their brothers have no such issues

I disliked mine, though I still sometimes use it. My brother took his wifes name, that is how much he disliked it. Dont presume!

MotherofKitties · 02/02/2018 09:56

I took my DHs surname which is very obviously not British, and I have noticed people treat me differently when they see my surname and don't know me (think bank/telephone situations), namely the obvious surprise that I speak fluent English... Hmm

It's sad that people automatically judge someone based on solely their name, you just have to rise above it...

TittyGolightly · 02/02/2018 10:01

the DC's school sometimes refer to be as Mrs DH name because the DC have his surname - I never correct them as it would be OTT and unnecessary

What’s OTT about asking them to call you by your actual name? How will things ever change if you leave them to think their assumptions are true for years on end?!

Lottapianos · 02/02/2018 10:01

'Until we have more equal numbers of men and women keeping/changing their names and giving their names to their children, I don’t believe that we can truly have a free choice. '

Completely agree

TittyGolightly · 02/02/2018 10:02

It's sad that people automatically judge someone based on solely their name, you just have to rise above it...

So when “international” flashes up on the phone and it’s “Michael Jones” with his deep Indian accent calling from Microsoft to fix the problems with my non-Microsoft computer, I shouldn’t judge? Okay.

Lottapianos · 02/02/2018 10:11

Titty, good example. Some people must walk around in a kind of mild coma all the time, never actually processing information at all. Judging means making a judgement, something we all do all of the time. It's an important part of being a rational, functional adult. You need to be prepared to revise your initial judgement based on new information. Other than that, carry on

BertrandRussell · 02/02/2018 10:11

I wonder if Richard Osman finds this a problem...........

RavenLG · 02/02/2018 10:27

If you want to change your surname change it. If you don't don't. Don't tell anyone it's wrong/sexist/outdated because you have those views. It's about having a fucking choice and not imposing opinions on someone else.

FeijaozinhoMae · 02/02/2018 10:28

@AmIBeingCrazee - I am about to marry a Brazilian with a Portuguese surname. I currently have a very VERY common English first and last name and rarely have to spell it out for anyone.

Hearing the way people say my partner's name when they read it makes me laugh so much! I know it's going to cause me all manner of grief but here is why I choose to take his name:

  1. Traditions and rituals mean something and I want to demonstrate my commitment to my husband and his family.
  2. Our son will take his father's name and I want us as a family to all have the same name
  3. Double-barrelled names may work well for some but for us, the combination of our names sound ridiculous!

Ways to combat the unavoidable prejudice could be to list your name as Mrs. Mary Wong (nee. McCarthy) (sorry for the stereotypical names, it was just an example!!!) But adding the "nee" shows that you were "born as..." so whoever is reading it will know where you come from.

I totally get that YOU are not prejudice, and I am pretty sure none of us in this thread are. The comments suggesting that you are are really not helpful! It is a sad fact of life that, despite the growing multi-culturalism in this country, there are still an awful lot of ignorant and small-minded people out there. If those people are in control of your future, it's a hard pill to swallow.

It's not as simple as saying "you don't want to work for a racist company..." We all need jobs and some jobs and industries are slightly slimmer pickings than others. In other words - you take what you can get.

DO take your husband's name, if that's what you want to do. Nothing wrong with tradition. I think it's hugely underrated.
DO be prepared for puzzled faces and questions about it.
DO Be one of the people to start changing perceptions!

How many people after meeting the White Irish Mrs. Wong (or whatever your name will be) will soon change their perceptions of names and cultures???

I have hope!!!!

TittyGolightly · 02/02/2018 10:48

Nothing wrong with tradition. I think it's hugely underrated.

Hear hear! Let’s all celebrate the time women were considered property! What could be more Romantic? Women shouldn’t be equal! They’re barely human, for goodness sake. Might as well let dad get a few quid for his trouble while we’re at it. And those marital rape laws can be repealed.

Bring back slavery while you’re at it. And burning older single women - they’re sure to be witches.

[/sarcasm]

TittyGolightly · 02/02/2018 10:51

Don't tell anyone it's wrong/sexist/outdated because you have those views. It's about having a fucking choice and not imposing opinions on someone else.

It’s sexist because it isn’t biological but largely only applies to one sex.

Is expecting women to change their names but not men any different to expecting women to be happy with lower salaries? Is expecting men to earn mega bucks drink bing fast cars while girls are just there to make the place look pretty and to fluff the drivers’ egos not sexist?

Individual choice is fine - great - if it’s made from an equal footing. Right now, it isn’t.

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