Taking partners foreign surname

[AmIBeingCrazee]

Hi all,

Just something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m a white woman in the UK with an Irish surname. My DP and I have talked about marriage in the future over the past year and it’s made me think. He has a common Asian surname as he is Vietnamese. Think ‘wong’ ‘chang’ ‘nguyen’.

Is it silly to think about in the future if people see my name written down before they see me in person, they would think I’m completely different from what appears by my name. For example my race, which could affect job applications and such.

In my first job my managers name was Ms Ngenda and I was very surprised to see her in person upon meeting as a white lady. Just goes to show preconceived impressions.

Anyone else had a similar experience taking a foreign surname ?

I use my maiden name for the same reasons. That said, lots of people have something against Irish surnames too which is why so many anglicized theirs 😭

I used to work in London in a lefty Guardian reading type environment, expected an Asian or Afro/ Carribean woman but got a naice white British one so many times based on (married) names. That's life, you make assumptions and learn not to Meh.
I'd hope most people would not be racist when recruiting, we separated the cv from any personal info such as name, gender, ethnicity, ofc you can guess age from dates of qualifications and work but this thread isn't about age - certainly wouldn't have known their name.
You don't have to take his name of course.

I don't think there are really negative associations with Asian names at all.

Not East Asian ones anyway. Possibly if it was a Muslim name things could be different?

I have a rather conty-nental, forrin name but as much as I’ve had the piss taken out of it by -littleshits- childhood peers, I don’t think I’ve endured any racism from it. I don’t think there is much prejudice against Western Europeans though.

I love how for many posters, including Ms Right-on Betrand Russell, the solution is simple - don't take your husband's name. Others see this as amusing anecdote time. Well luckily for you it is a trivial matter. Others have no choice but to be discriminated against. They can try and hide their heritage by changing the name of their birth, but what would be the point? You can't hide your skin colour or facial features.

If you get through to interview stage are you foolish enough to think all preconceptions and prejudice will disappear and never influence the final decisions? And these prejudices don't just affect the work sphere either.

I've always known there was racial prejudice and discrimination lurking beneath the pretty, polite, well-mannered British facade. I'm slowly realising just how much. British people tend to think they are superior to Americans where race-relations are concerned. I think Americans are just more open and honest in every way, good and bad.

I love how for many posters, including Ms Right-on Betrand Russell, the solution is simple

Why are you having a pop at Bertrand for racism that she has no control over and almost definitely doesn’t approve of? It’s her right to have an opinion whether it’s too PC for you or not.

And well done on the Americans are just more honest bullshit. That’s working out really well for you all, having a self confessed sex predator as president who wants to chuck out Muslims and Mexicans. You must feel so superior.

I was in a similar situation to you and decided to double-barrel. It's lovely to take his name and taken on a bit of his identity and culture as well as keeping the meaning of my surname too.

I've taken my husband's name. Yes, it's affected job opportunities. I've also had a snide comment from the receptionist at my GP, asking when I'm going back to Poland (it's not a Polish name).
It does make me stand out, though! I've given my children English sounding names to try and balance the name.

Not sure where you're getting the idea I'm American from.

And I expect BetrandRussell, who prides herself on being oh so PC (your term, I was thinking more liberal, left-leaning, socially-conscious) to focus primarily on the real issue. Not bat the OP and others away with, 'Well, don't change you name then'.

That was unnecessarily sneery towards @BertrandRussell @charlestonchaplin and kind of undermines your later point about about racism really.

I was in a similar situation to you and decided to double-barrel. It's lovely to take his name and taken on a bit of his identity and culture as well as keeping the meaning of my surname too

I trust he did the same?

In other news, racism is bad.

It’s amazing how many women dislike their surnames. Presumably their brothers have no such issues

In my family, before I got married and changed my surname to my husbands foreign name, I was the only one left out of 6 children with our original surname. Family issues, dead father and amazing stepfather meant that my 4 brothers changed their names by deed poll to my step dad's. So yes, I think brothers do have those issues also.

OP, it's your choice what name you use. I personally have had no problems with my "new" surname apart from having to spell it out all the time. It's also quite long, which along with my 8 letter first name and 2 middle names means it doesn't all fit on my driving licence now

I really really dislike women getting shit from other women if they choose to change their name upon marriage. I had personal reasons for disliking my maiden name anyway, but I wanted the same name as my husband and children. Some people choose not to, some husbands change to their wife's name, some double barrel. Each to their own.

I must admit, I don't totally understand why it's considered so much more feminist to bear your father's surname instead of your husband's.

I must admit, I don't totally understand why it's considered so much more feminist to bear your father's surname instead of your husband's.

The minute a surname is written in a child’s birth certificate it becomes theirs. Nobody refers to a boy’s surname as their father’s. It’s only women, who in 2018, aren’t even allowed to own their surname.

At individual level everyone has a choice. Men often don’t realise and women are usually conditioned to think it’s the done thing or even “romantic” to perpetuate a tradition from times when women were legally owned by men. Those individual decisions (which aren’t made in a vacuum) have an impact on all of us at societal level.

Going against the grain here, I would have thought it would stand you in good stead. I work for a government body where someone has pointed out to HR that we are X% short of our 'ethnic targets' ergo all ethnic external candidates are prioritised for interviews and internal BME persons acellerated through promotion process.

As an aside, in my last career, it was policy for the school to automatically interview anyone who disclosed diability on their application form - even if they didn't meet the criteria.

So discrimination works both ways.

If I may join in the usual laboured debate about hubands v fathers surname. I always though it became a 'family name'. You choose whether to be a full part of that family or not.

Really its inconsequential.

It's actually bearing your own surname instead of your father in laws brokenbiscuit.

@HollyBayTree surely what ethnicity someone is is derived from your equal opportunities form, not someone's surname?

I understand your dilemma. DH and I are from different countries, think Germany and Serbia. People find it hard to place my nationality now, as I don't fit the 'Serbian' stereotype. However I quite like the fact that they can't apply their 'German' stereotypes to me anymore either. Double-barrelling wasn't really an option for me as it was just too long.