Taking partners foreign surname

[AmIBeingCrazee]

Hi all,

Just something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m a white woman in the UK with an Irish surname. My DP and I have talked about marriage in the future over the past year and it’s made me think. He has a common Asian surname as he is Vietnamese. Think ‘wong’ ‘chang’ ‘nguyen’.

Is it silly to think about in the future if people see my name written down before they see me in person, they would think I’m completely different from what appears by my name. For example my race, which could affect job applications and such.

In my first job my managers name was Ms Ngenda and I was very surprised to see her in person upon meeting as a white lady. Just goes to show preconceived impressions.

Anyone else had a similar experience taking a foreign surname ?

“according to some on this thread I and others that name changed are perpetuating an idea that men own women because we're brainless sheep that are indoctrinated into our sexist culture“

No one said that you or others are brainless sheep. Just that your choice wasn’t made in a vacuum. Your choice was influenced by the sexist culture we live in. It wasn’t a sexist choice. But it was influenced by patriarchy.

Feija
Aggressive?! Because I used some capital letters?! Mmkay

I’ve already told the OP my thoughts on her situation. The discussion/debate has developed and widened since then.

just as there is nothing sexist in my choice to change my name.
Did your husband consider, for even a microsecond, changing his? Did anyone from outside your relationship ask him if he would be?

Titty and AnotherEmma, I'm really enjoying your posts on this thread. Not finding them 'aggressive' at all

People always say that they make completely free choices, entirely uninfluenced by society, peers, background or commercialism. Makes you wonder why any company bothers with paying for advertising, doesn’t it? Or why there are so many threads on here with people worrying about being judged.......

TittyGolightly I've already said that people in his culture don't change their names. I live in his culture people use my maiden name because they automatically assume I've never changed it. And it's ironic you should ask if my husband considered changing his name because since moving to his country he has added my maiden name to his because, like me, he wants to show the union of the two cultures and the British name is now part of his identity, just as his Portuguese name is part of mine. Was he too indoctrinated or making a sexist choice? Or was that only me because I'm a woman?

Haha. I had a foreign surname and took my husband's ridiculously popular UK surname (think Smith/Jones/Brown) and I must say that my life got so much easier with appointments and work. I wasn't too bothered by having to spell out my old surname all the time, but it was a bit tiresome.

I also changed my surname by choice. My husband offered to change his and we considered going for the double barrel option, but we thought that since we live in the UK it's just easier to stick with a local name. I also wanted any potential kids to have the same surname as both parents (just my preference), so when our son came along I was happy that we all have the same name. Each to their own though, obviously.

WHY are you taking anyone's name?? You keep yours and he keeps his end of. It's such a sexist outdated construct .

or is your husband on here asking if people will think he's a white westerner if he takes your name?

Linoleum
“Was he too indoctrinated or making a sexist choice? Or was that only me because I'm a woman?”

And the prize for spectacularly missing the point goes to....!

Let me spell it out for you. In a patriarchal society in which women are expected to change their names and men are not, a woman who changes her name is conforming to the patriarchy and a man who changes his name is challenging it. Of course every individual has their own reasons and every right to make their own choice. But on a collective level, the more people challenge societal norms, the easier it becomes for others to do so - and to be truly free in their choice with fewer consequences either way.

Lotta
Thanks 💪

I took my husband's obviously-foreign name. He is under no illusions that he owns me, nor that I am his property in any way!

Nor have I consciously witnessed any prejudice, and I am classic English rose colouring, and speak somewhat like Margo Leadbetter

A feminist fist bump! That's my favourite kind

@HollyBayTree

I work for a government body where someone has pointed out to HR that we are X% short of our 'ethnic targets' ergo all ethnic external candidates are prioritised for interviews

I call bullshit and damaging, untrue Daily Hate Mail speak.

What you should have written is: "all ethnic external candidates who meet the criteria are prioritised for interviews"

See the difference?

You've spelt it out, my husband and other men get a pat on the back, while me and other women are criticised for conforming to patriachy and are responsible for stumping progress.

But progress is knowledge and choice.

A third of women in their 20's keep their own names and that number is rising. So progress is happening. Women who make traditional choices are not hindering changes in societal norms. For goodness sake we don't need any more sticks to beat women with. Modern women can choose and many will choose to keep their own names but some will not.

Actually I wasn’t criticising anyone.
People always get so defensive on these threads 🙄
I have been consistently pointing out that choices are not made in a vacuum and that means I don’t blame women for their choices, including if they choose to “conform”.
I’m not blaming any women for the patriarchy, far from it. We are all victims of it to some extent or another. Challenging the patriarchy is hard and even the most passionate feminist doesn’t always want (or feel able) to do it all the time.
Let’s not pretend that changing your name is progress. It isn’t. But that doesn’t make it a bad choice. It doesn’t make you any worse a feminist or person than someone who chose not to change their name.

Where do you get the official "I decide who is a feminist" certification?

“Where do you get the official "I decide who is a feminist" certification?”

Oh, I don’t know. Maybe from thinking about what things benefit women and advance equality personally and politically and what things perpetuate inequality? That sort of thing?

That never crossed my mind when I took my husband's unusual Mediterranean double barreled Surname. I think it matters less in this day and age, as there are laws to protect discrimination, and it's frowned upon.

Oh Green, op can do what the hell she wants, and if she wants to Ake her husband's surname, it's up to her! Thought Feminism is about choice, not imposing one view in favour of another.

I'll have to disagree it affects your applications. (Well it might, but never happened to me). I have a completely foreign name, even my first name, and when I was living in the UK I used to work for a very good bank as a senior manager.... They couldn't care less I was foreign. Also, we were 9!! People at the interview, all british and they chose me

I have a Chinese surname which is the family name however I do not look remotely Chinese as I am mixed race I look more Mediterranean than anything. It is frequently a source of frustration as I have to justify why it is my name and why I am called it. I also have standoffs at Drs appointments etc. Where they call my name and then look affronted when I stand up.... they carry on looking for the Chinese person.
I don't have any choice about my surname but you do so I would carefully think about it.

At our GP surgery there is, let's say, two Dr Changs. Mr Dr Chang is half Asian (so doesn't look massively Asian anyway) and Mrs Dr Chang is White. Everyone now knows this and isn't confused. I don't know if they have DCs but given genetics they will likely look White and also confuse people, until they know them of course.
My DD is mixed race and her non-white ethnicity is one associated with a non-English language but a lot of families who are fully of this ethnicity choose English names anyway (think Amy Singh, but not Sikh), and indeed mixed marriages means you also get Amy Smith who looks Asian or who looks like my DD's ethnicity.
So it goes both ways.

I grew up with an Eastern European surname, which no one could ever spell. So it was annoying more than anything else, as my mail went into the wrong pigeonhole sometimes when I was at uni.

It also caused a lot of bullying when I was at school. It's sad but it does have an impact on a child to have a foreign sounding surname. (But that was also because of what the name rhymed with. )

But hopefully less so now, I grew up in the 70s and 80s.