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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking partners foreign surname

227 replies

AmIBeingCrazee · 01/02/2018 17:34

Hi all,

Just something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m a white woman in the UK with an Irish surname. My DP and I have talked about marriage in the future over the past year and it’s made me think. He has a common Asian surname as he is Vietnamese. Think ‘wong’ ‘chang’ ‘nguyen’.

Is it silly to think about in the future if people see my name written down before they see me in person, they would think I’m completely different from what appears by my name. For example my race, which could affect job applications and such.

In my first job my managers name was Ms Ngenda and I was very surprised to see her in person upon meeting as a white lady. Just goes to show preconceived impressions.

Anyone else had a similar experience taking a foreign surname ?

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 01/02/2018 19:54

When you apply for a job, the people will have an idea of the sort of candidate they want.
Often they want someone a bit like themselves.
I don't think they do it consciously.

Things have moved on a lot but if you refer to your doctor, nurse, accountant, dentist, solicitor, child's teacher... the person you are talking to might say "what did she say/do?" or "what did he say/do? ". I usually correct them.

My nan would say 'lady doctor' and 'male nurse', but I still hear people saying headmaster. Angry

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 01/02/2018 19:57

My maiden name was very unusual Greek. I wish I never changed it.

Yes people made assumptions before they saw me but the big standard first name was often a giveaway! They did sometimes assume it was my married name rather than my fathers name. No idea if my cv was ever rejected because of it.

g1itterati · 01/02/2018 19:57

Don't worry about it OP. My BIL married a Japanese lady and to this day she has an "interesting" pronunciation of our surname which most people presume is Arabic-ish. I love the fact that we all share a name even though we're Spanish, British (Persian) and Japanese!!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 01/02/2018 19:57

Fuckin hell autocorrect - BOG standard!

Altwoo · 01/02/2018 19:58

Insurance companies were recently caught out for giving higher quotes for those with Muslim names. I can understand your concern.

He should take yours!

oblada · 01/02/2018 20:01

I never had any issue bar a stupid NHS consultant asking if I was Asian (I'm obviously not, this was face to face) and a few friendly conversations on the phone with Asian clients once I've given my full name. Never crossed my mind that it could be a problem.

juneau · 01/02/2018 20:04

Your name is a big part of how you present yourself to the world, so you should decide if a Vietnamese name represents you - and if you're prepared for the inevitable misunderstandings that will come with it. I only changed my name on marriage, because at the time I was advised to take my DH's name by an immigration lawyer (we were living in his country at the time and I was going for PR). However, if I hadn't liked his name or didn't really feel it was 'me' then I'd have probably just kept my own. It's really, really normal now for a woman to keep her own name, so do that if it makes you more comfortable.

UAEMum · 01/02/2018 20:06

I took.my husband's Arab surname. I like it, a bit exotic sounding and made a nice change from my own boring English one.
I like the look of shock..... gives me a good excuse to explain the surname and engage people im conversation.

xlexiix · 01/02/2018 20:06

This actually is a real life problem I face all the time my DH is from Iraq/Iran and I did take his surname when we married. But when I lost my job I found it almost impossible to get a job interview, to the point that the same CV sent in my married and maiden name revealed massively different involvement from agency's my married name would never get a call but my maiden name (definitely English) always got a call usually within a few hours...

SoupDragon · 01/02/2018 20:18

You do know you can keep your own name?

Omg!! Shock Really??? Why do they keep this secret? I bet no one knows this. Mind blowing!

🙄

MrsZippyLake · 01/02/2018 20:30

I have a foreign surname despite sounding and looking very English and people generally seem shocked when they meet me for the first time (assuming they have been apprised of my name beforehand).
However, if I was to apply for another job, I have to confess that I would use my (English) maiden name. The other good thing about my name before I got married was that there were thousands of people with the same name so it was impossible to find me online. Sadly I’m much easier to locate now!

Katedotness1963 · 01/02/2018 20:35

I know have a foreign surname. The only problem I've had with it over the last 30 years is, if people see it first they can't pronounce it and if they hear it first they can't spell it.

NameChange30 · 01/02/2018 20:42

issey
“a shame i took his name though as we are divorcing and im now stuck with it”
You’re not stuck with it - you could change it back if you wanted.

TittyGolightly · 01/02/2018 20:44

Or see it as your name. It is allowed!

NotTheQueen · 01/02/2018 20:51

I took my OHs name, and yes it looks ‘sort of’ foreign. Fortunately where I am there was a well known journalist with the name, so occasionally I’m asked if we’re related but not often. Worse is the number of nationals from my DHs company who see my name on the website and email me in his language... my knowledge is basic survival not even conversational so I have to write back and ask them to resend their inquiry in English.
When I first moved here in 2009 and was job hunting my DH did wonder if the last name was putting people off, but I think it was just the recession. I feel more of a unit with my DH sharing a name especially as we are kid free.

kaytee87 · 01/02/2018 21:52

@SoupDragon someone I know seriously thought 'it was the law' to change your name upon marriage Shock she's pushing 40 with 2 kids. I was gobsmacked.

jjune11 · 01/02/2018 21:58

I took my DH's foreign surname. I've got used to people constantly mispronouncing it, but that's been the only downside. I like us having the same name and when people sometimes query where I'm from, I just clarify it's my surname by marriage.

TheCatsPaws · 01/02/2018 22:01

I’ll be taking DPs name, which is an Indian name but also not necessarily unusual for other races. It doesn’t bother me, I have a foreign surname anyway. His is actually easier to spell!

Sunbeam18 · 01/02/2018 22:12

Soup dragon To be fair, the OP's post makes it sound like she had never considered the possibility of keeping her name.

BertrandRussell · 01/02/2018 22:20

Mumsnet is full of people who ever seem to have considered not changing their names. Or changing them back on divorce. Or giving their children their own name not his. So it was a perfectly sensible post.

Rainbowblume · 01/02/2018 22:33

I changed my name. Because I live in his country and with his name I'm less obviously foreign. In fact my name is now so local sounding I get quite puzzled looks when they meet brown me with my English accent.

Haffdonga · 01/02/2018 22:47

Taking his name is not always only a matter of free choice. I had to take DH's surname if our marriage could be registered in his country (where we lived) and if I wanted citizenship - which I did due to tax, inheritance etc. Now in his country my English surname is my middle name but in the UK it's part of my surname

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 01/02/2018 22:59

My dcs obviously have his surname

Not obviously. Lots of DC have double barrelled now.

Just keep your name. But apply for jobs using both names as an experiment and report back.

Brokenbiscuit · 01/02/2018 23:03

It’s amazing how many women dislike their surnames. Presumably their brothers have no such issues.

I genuinely hated my surname. Don't want to say what it was, but it was very similar to a word with very negative connotations, and I was teased mercilessly about it when I was at school. I must admit that, despite being a feminist, I was delighted to adopt my DH's much nicer name after I got married.

I don't have any brothers but my DSis stuff choose to keep her name after marriage. I think she dislikes it as much as I do, but the difference in her case was that she disliked BIL's surname every bit as much. So she stuck with her own.

I'd have been much more likely to have kept my own name after marriage if I'd have been given my mum's surname and not my dad's. It's not the nicest-sounding name and I'd have constantly had to tell people how to spell it, but it's a very rare name and everyone who has it seems to be quite closely related. Sadly, it wasn't the done thing in those days for children to get their mother's name, so it wasn't even considered.

On balance, I quite like sharing a name with dh and the dc. And I'm glad it's his name that we share, and not my maiden name!

BananaInPyjama · 02/02/2018 02:53

Ha- my very SE Asian husband has a very English surname (adoption the generation before him). In SE Asia people always do a double and triple take as they are shocked at him looking like them, but with an unexpected name.

I kept my name he kept his when we got married- seemed fair