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Original poster

Taking partners foreign surname

227 replies

AmIBeingCrazee · 01/02/2018 17:34

Hi all,

Just something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m a white woman in the UK with an Irish surname. My DP and I have talked about marriage in the future over the past year and it’s made me think. He has a common Asian surname as he is Vietnamese. Think ‘wong’ ‘chang’ ‘nguyen’.

Is it silly to think about in the future if people see my name written down before they see me in person, they would think I’m completely different from what appears by my name. For example my race, which could affect job applications and such.

In my first job my managers name was Ms Ngenda and I was very surprised to see her in person upon meeting as a white lady. Just goes to show preconceived impressions.

Anyone else had a similar experience taking a foreign surname ?

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 01/02/2018 19:03

I don't really like mine and think his is much nicer, and when we have children I want us to all have the same name

It’s amazing how many women dislike their surnames. Presumably their brothers have no such issues. 🤔

My daughter has both surnames - mine as a middle name and DH’s as her surname. She loves being linked to both sides of her family tree, not just one.

youngnomore · 01/02/2018 19:06

I didn’t take my oh surname neither did my dc. He has an Asian surname and I had seen how he struggled with it. For that reason i didn’t want it. Just a lot of hassle tbh. Also I loved my surname.

Pinkywoo · 01/02/2018 19:08

I don't have any brothers and really don't like double barrelled names, what happens when one double name marries another, where would it end!

Pinkywoo · 01/02/2018 19:09

Also I am nc with my father and associate my current name with him so will be happy to change it.

TittyGolightly · 01/02/2018 19:10

what happens when one double name marries another, where would it end!

Yes, there are loads of kids running around with eleventy billion surnames. Hmm

Usually one half of one gets dropped and added to half of the other.

Some people choose a whole new surname.

Some men change their surnames.

Hopefully any daughters you have will grow up in an equal world, and won’t be conditioned to think giving up part of their identity because they’re female is right.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 01/02/2018 19:11

I made an appointment to see the new GP at the practise - Dr O'Leary. I have to admit, I was surprised to be greeted by a petite Chinese woman!

TittyGolightly · 01/02/2018 19:11

Also I am nc with my father and associate my current name with him so will be happy to change it.

Ding ding! Full house!

bluesouper · 01/02/2018 19:11

100% I had more success getting interviews with my very English maiden name rather than my new, traditionally African surname.

I've also had a DHL delivery driver turn around and try not to give me my parcel because it "couldn't possibly" be for me.

Depressing.

Pinkywoo · 01/02/2018 19:13

As any daughters I have will be half Italian and I've already said that Italian women keep their names I think they'll be fine, but thanks for the concern.

MikeUniformMike · 01/02/2018 19:19

People assume. Not necessarily because they're racist.
Lots of assumptions are based on someone's name (age, sex, race, background ...) and people don't like to be caught out.
I would use your surname for work.

BertrandRussell · 01/02/2018 19:21

“Ding ding! Full house!”

Grin
g1itterati · 01/02/2018 19:22

I'm of Spanish origin, but I was happy to take DH's name anyway because he's British (as in born here, but of mixed ethnicity), although actually his surname is in three parts and the first part (which we use on forms) is Persian-sounding. People generally have no idea where I'm from these days, though I have been asked if I'm Muslim (DH isn't). We can pass as locals in lots of places though, which is quite useful

2b1c51 · 01/02/2018 19:24

I've taken my DH's foreign surname and while I'm not sure I've experienced any discrimination I've certainly had people express surprise when they've met me that I'm British- that even happened once at a job interview (I got the job though!).

More annoying is spelling the name out every time, and the number of variations of spelling I see- no matter how well known you think it is (there's a famous person with the same name) and how simple you think it is, you will have to spell it out and they'll still get it wrong...!

Whatififall · 01/02/2018 19:25

I have a friend who didn't change her surname to her husband's purely as it is Ahmed. Her first fb post as a married woman stated "and for anyone asking why I won't be taking Ahmed for my surname.." posted from the airport where she was waiting for said husband who had been undergoing a "random" full body security check for the past hour. The same random checks he has every time he flies.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/02/2018 19:25

I love having my husbands name. Sorry everyone.

But I think if it's a name that was subject to continual raised eyebrows, I might switch between my maiden name and married name depending. Sorry everyone. Grin

DrWhy · 01/02/2018 19:27

I took DHs surname, it’s actually British but sounds very Asian and is a homophone of a fairly common surname among the Chinese community where we lived in Malaysia. He used to get puzzled looking people walking back and forward past his desk looking for him at work and not expecting a white guy with ginger hair! Other than that I don’t think it’s ever been an issue for either of us, it is however spelt slightly differently so maybe that has an effect.

Graphista · 01/02/2018 19:28

Sadly there are still far too many racist people about, quite a few who won't acknowledge it too.

I have a minor issue with my first name as English people try to correct ME on how it's pronounced (scots pronunciation but looks English spelling)

A friend of mine has a first name that is English but rarely used now or even for our generation by white European families but VERY popular with West Indies families. When she left army and was applying for civilian posts she was struggling to get interviews despite being well qualified and experienced with excellent refs, careers place suggested only using first initial... All of a sudden she started getting interviews Hmm and this was only about 10 years ago

reallyanotherone · 01/02/2018 19:29

You do know you can keep your own name?

samscott · 01/02/2018 19:30

I’m afraid it’s true, OP. My friend’s father is Pakistani. Her mum is white. She’s been brought up as a white British person. Her surname is Pakistani.

She used to do temping in a specialised area where there are loads of jobs. Despite that, she always struggled to get jobs.

She then got married and took her DH’s English surname. And with exactly the same CV, once her surname was the English surname, she was suddenly inundated with work.

It’s amazing to think this type of prejudice still goes on.

ArchchancellorsHat · 01/02/2018 19:35

It does happen, I'm afraid. Just because no one will admit to being prejudiced or racist, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. A friend of mine is currently being bullied at work because she's in a mixed marriage and she and her husband are Muslim.

If you want to change your name, what about having your maiden name professionally and the married one outside work? It keeps continuity as well, if someone asks after you for references, your degree certificate etc.

NewYearNiki · 01/02/2018 19:41

I once met an Australian citizen with a Russian surname and she was Asian in appearance. So you can get all kinds of mixes with marriage and also migration.

I wouldn't take the surname. Not for any racist reasons. I wouldn't if it was an English guy I was marrying
I just dont think a woman needs to take her husband's surname, I like my own and dont think my first name would go with a name like Wang or Cheng.

NewYearNiki · 01/02/2018 19:42

Wong ffs. Stupid autocorrect.

alwayslearning789 · 01/02/2018 19:43

"Your race shouldn’t affect your job applications in the UK"

Unfortunately, it does. Keep your name OP.

Aria2015 · 01/02/2018 19:52

For people saying having a foreign surname does not have any negative consequences, that's not my experience. I had it the other way around. My maiden name is a foreign name and gives away my family heritage. Where I live there is racism towards people of my family's race and I've experienced it just based on my name. I was relieved to take my dh's surname because I didn't receive any negative responses to my name any more. It's not right and it shouldn't happen but it does unfortunately.

poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 01/02/2018 19:52

I've got a foreign first name and surname. I'm married to someone with a bog standard British name and I didn't take it. Well, I did for a couple of months and then I changed back, because I couldn't get used to it. I've applied for seven jobs in the past year and not got any, but I have no idea whether my name had anything to do with it. To be honest, I'd rather be myself in a crappy job than have to pretend I'm something I'm not in a job I only got because people thought I was kosher.