To ask the worst thing that's been said to you whilst DTD?

[6079SmithW]

I have been inspired by the highly entertaining responses to my original AIBU? thread!

AIBU to ask what's the worst thing that's ever been said to you whilst DTD?

'You dirty prostitute' (I'm not a prostitute)

hello its me again literally nearly weeing laughing here.

mine was when i was about 18 and was shagging a colleague at the time. he insisted on declaring "im going to eat you" everytime he went down on me! would also look up every few minutes to check i was enjoying myself and would smile at me really slow and deliberately. unfortunately he was very, ahem, hung blessed, so i kept going back to him.

"Oh shit I think I kicked the dog" Ddog is a teeny tiny chihuahua and we didn't realise she was under the covers at the foot of the bed until DH booted her in the face.

I was at a protest and it was a camping one, I was standing near my mates slightly shaking tent to hear to my dismay "mmm yummy!".... This was not a one time noise heard after speaking to my friend it was what he always said when finishing....he did not live it down

A guy I was seeing briefly used to do a running commentary all the way through. "Ooh, you're loving that, aren't you, ooh, all you can think is how good that feels" etc etc etc. It was just toe curlingly cringey and really distracting. I used to kiss him just to shut him up!

Not said, but when DD was a nonverbal two year-old, (now making up for lost time at six), once she was theoretically asleep in her own room, DP and I were going at it in a sweaty, panting tangle, when suddenly DD conked him on the arse with her heavy glass bottle.

Not content with destroying the mood, she proceeded to obliterate it by poking poor DP in the balls while we tried to extricate ourselves in the least obscene fashion.

She's since learnt to knock and wait.

Made the mistake of reading these at work and ended up shaking with silent laughter with tears running down my face. You lot are funny
So for mine

• IS THERE A FIRE IN HERE? shouted by halls of residence security who'd just busted down my door and caught me butt naked and dtd as my cheap studenty smoky candles had set off the silent alarm and I'd (obviously) ignored the phone ringing !! Couldn't walk past security desk for the rest of the year

• a good friend spent a good 6 months persuading me to give her ex fling (all within large group of friends) a go - found out why when discovered his micro penis I literally couldn't feel if it was in and I'm still not sure if it counts ?! She was obviously trying to palm him off to me!

• with DH suddenly went limp while inside me. "Sorry (says he) "but the dog just licked my arse"

⁃	also with DH doing it doggy style looked behind me to see 2 year old standing in door silhouetted, sucking her thumb and holding her dolly like something out of a horror movie. “Daddy what are you doing to mummy ?” “Oh we’re just wrestling darling” put her back to bed and he wanted to immediately pick up where we left off but it was a passion killer for me !!

You look better from the back.

Well you can piss right off if you think this is happening again!

Some of these are horrendous I can only assume these men have watched far too much porn!

I remember one who was actually very good in bed but at the moment of climax he would make me stare into his eyes. Like literally stare into them. It made me feel so awkward and I would spend the whole time trying not to snort with laughter.

Howling @ 'mind the linen'

These are all amazing but "get my big dick right inside you, right inside, right inside." Made me snort!

I don't have any as good as these but the needy ones stick out in my memory. "You like that, dontcha. Do you like it? Do you?" Just get on with it, I'm not your therapist!

'Ron Dixon's got a new car '

(( Brookside was on in the background ))

Oh the romance

'Come on Daddy's big fat cock'

I nearly vomited

A confession: while DTD with a woman I'd met in a club, called her two different wrong names in under a minute. . Don't do weed, mkay?

Conversely, DW once said "ooh look a lizard" at the crucial moment, so I turned to look and there was a bit of torsion.

I don't have one (fortunately) but read an article in a newspaper once and the writer had referred to it as 'doing the squelchy'

It was almost enough to put me off for life

“That was a great blowjob. You’d make a good prostitute”

Seeing a new guy, dtd for the first time, and I squeezed my pelvic floor muscles. He stopped and said "well holy shit those work" I hadn't thought he would feel it as much, he's still the only guy (including ex fiancee), that's ever commented on that before or since. He would also say he was "brimming" when he was about to come, which I actually quite liked.

The dog licking balls/feet/bum stories remind me why we put the cat out of the room and shut the door before DTD!

DTD with a very short term bf, long before DH. A man of limited intellect and vocabulary, but ripped, shaven and tattooed, so.

After a particularly acrobatic finále on my part, he leaned forward and whispered in my ear, "And I thought you only liked the military position."

He passed out halfway through and started snoring.

That did a world of good for my self esteem!!!!

I told DH about penetration man on that MN thread and then during the deed he whispered penetration in my ear, I threw him off and we both started laughing. Killed the mood completely.

When I was 16 and naive I had an older boyfriend who had moved back to his mother's when he split up with his wife. One night we were mid shag when his mother opened the door to ask him what time he wanted waking up in the morning. He stopped thrusting but remained inside me and turned his head to have a short conversation with her as if it was the most normal thing in the world while I remained under him, frozen in horror. Then she went back downstairs and he carried on thrusting.

He was actually pretty good in bed apart from that.

I have a big bum. I'm really glad big bums are in fashion now but I used to be very self-conscious about it although some men really liked it.

One guy:
"Oh my god, you've got a massive fat ass... I love it... Wow, its so big.... I can't believe how massive and fat your ass is.... Your ass is huge.... It's all wobbly.... It jiggles.... It's so fat and huge...."

Yeah alright, mate, fucking hell.

". barely touched the sides."

Omg!! 😂😂😂

When DD was three, she used to wake at night and so really quite crying so we used to leave our bedroom door open so we could hear her.

One night we were DTD and DD, who was going through a very weird phase of calling me "mother", silently walked in and said, very loudly "Mother, I can't sleep, can I phone grandma and tell her about my pet ladybird?"

Sex in my house is now called ladybirding