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AIBU?

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DH has hours of calls logged to a number I don't recognise

999 replies

livingontheedgeee · 29/01/2018 18:22

So, we use a phone provider where you pay for a monthly contract then need to add credit for things like calling overseas, dialling non-standard numbers etc. Normally DH and I keep £10 extra credit on just in case.
Last night, DH ran me as he's working away and asked me to top it up for him (he's completely technophobic).Normally I'd just log into the app on my phone but I was sitting at the computer at the time so I logged onto his online phone account to do it from there.

Right there, on the front page, it gave the top 5 numbers he calls with the number of hours associated with each number. One number he'd spoken to for 364 hours over the course of a month! Checking further (of course) he'd also sent 13 MMS to the same number meaning he's sending picture messages too.

Now he does use his phone a lot if he has to speak to clients and there are some clients he calls regularly but looking at the other calls, none of them are more than 10 hours across the whole month.

So, I went to his phone contacts list and lo and behold, here's the number assigned to some woman who I've never heard of.

I want to confront him but neither do I want to look stupid. He's never given me any reason to think he's messing about. Except perhaps he doesn't call me every day like he used to. Sometimes he goes two or three days without a call. This is the only change in his behaviour but thought it was on the back of me saying he needn't feel obliged to call every night.

Question is, do I call this number? Or do I ask him outright? Do I let it ride and see if he continues to call her?

OP posts:
mumpoints · 30/01/2018 17:59

What if it is the managing director or something? They wouldn't text "Hi". sending a text is a bad idea.

LoveProsecco · 30/01/2018 18:01

Sorry OP but another person who doesn't think the number swap is a good idea. I think you need to approach him with your suspicions honestly.

Has his usual patterns of behaviour changed?

BrendasUmbrella · 30/01/2018 18:04

All this game playing has a term - it’s called gaslighting

No, gaslighting is when you try to make someone question their sanity, usually to cover your own tracks.

If her DH said "It's really weird, my phone is all messed up" and the OP replied with "You've always been useless with technology haven't you?" you could call that gaslighting.

The most common use of gaslighting is cheats who are trying to keep their partners in the dark. Ironically the OP is trying to miss out on this with her actions. It's not what I would choose to do (I still think she had enough evidence to confront him face to face without giving him a possible heads up) but she may get a result from it...

Finola1step · 30/01/2018 18:06

I hope you are ok this evening Living.

BrendasUmbrella · 30/01/2018 18:06

I’m not entering into whether or not this is morally ok, but it would give you an answer

It seems like he may possibly be staying with er - at least he's in her town which is not near where he is working. So the OP could text him while the woman is sitting right next to him.

DarthNigel · 30/01/2018 18:06

I don't think they use 'evidence' in divorce proceedings- the reason for divorce is given and that's about it. It makes no difference to the outcome-outside of kramer vs Kramer style films...
All this speculation is unhelpful anyway-op has done what she felt she needed to do.
I hope it gives her the answers she needs either way and that she is old

DontbeaDickaboutit · 30/01/2018 18:07

I really hope you are ok living, the not knowing must be unbelievably stressful.

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 18:09

DarthNigel Thing is, her DH has grounds for "unreasonable behaviour' if she is messing with his work contacts. He can prove it.

HappyGirl86 · 30/01/2018 18:15

Have you heard anything on your work phone OP? I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that's it's something innocent.

TheBrilliantMistake · 30/01/2018 18:20

Incidentally, it's actually illegal to tamper with a phone or impersonate another Telecoms user, even if it's as basic as a partners phone.
It's also illegal to access it, even in person, without unlock codes bring required. If you pick up the phone and access data on it without permission, you're breaking the law.

Serialweightwatcher · 30/01/2018 18:22

You have every right to be suspicious and if all is well then you'll feel a bit rotten and if he finds out how upset you've been I'm sure he'll understand - I would. However, if everything is not okay he's not going to just admit it and you're entitled to peace of mind I think

SharonMott · 30/01/2018 18:23

What constitutes another persons phone though? What if the phone was bought with family money. What if it is an asset of the marriage?

GertieMotherwell · 30/01/2018 18:26

So you ever FaceTime or Skype?

You could surprise him with a call this evening

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/01/2018 18:27

shes 54?how old are you/dh?

if in 30's unlikely to be an affair

DarthNigel · 30/01/2018 18:28

Yes-but it would make no Odds to the outcome of the divorce in terms of finances or custody-but we are all getting ahead of ourselves in any case...he doesn't know what she's done-yet...he might have been having an affair-she doesn't know...yet.
It's all a mess and at this stage it's all conjecture...

TheBrilliantMistake · 30/01/2018 18:29

SharonMott, then it's a much trickier area indeed!
If he never usually has to share it, there is a reasonable expectation of privacy based on past precedent / usage. Not only that, but those that send him messages or have their numbers on his phone may have an expectation of privacy too.
It's complicated though!

woosey35 · 30/01/2018 18:31

Sending you a hand hold OP. You’re going through hell. This is your life and you approach it how you feel best and are comfortable with. Don’t feel pressured by some PP.

Thebluedog · 30/01/2018 18:34

Just do what you have to do OP. I found similar with my, now ex, dp. It took me two weeks of digging to get irrefutable proof as that’s what I needed. My ex would have just spun the ‘only good friends’ line otherwise (which he tried to - denied it until he was blue in the face, until I confronted him with my evidence)

AethelflaedofMercia · 30/01/2018 18:51

What constitutes another persons phone though? What if the phone was bought with family money. What if it is an asset of the marriage?

What about op's work phone, that she's used to swap the numbers? Who does that belong to? Shouldn't think her employers would be at all impressed if they knew.

Mivery · 30/01/2018 18:56

6 Hours isn't THAT much for a client. Google the number. If it's a business it'll come up. If not, try to look at the pictures he sent before confronting him.

2017RedBlue · 30/01/2018 18:57

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Timefortea99 · 30/01/2018 18:58

This is all a bit complicated and feels wrong. Ask him. Just ask him.

Jafinar · 30/01/2018 19:02

I'd really consider blocking her number in case she calls him first OP. If she does then he may look at her contact entry and realise it's changed.

Also can you clarify, is he staying very near the town in which she lives but nowhere near the jobs he is on?

therealposieparker · 30/01/2018 19:03

Lover.

I missed your long post about why you feel the way you do about snooping. I am really sorry you went through such a crappy time.

turophile · 30/01/2018 19:03

I hope you get to the bottom of this soon OP. Fingers crossed he texts her and you find out it's innocent!