DH has hours of calls logged to a number I don't recognise

[livingontheedgeee]

So, we use a phone provider where you pay for a monthly contract then need to add credit for things like calling overseas, dialling non-standard numbers etc. Normally DH and I keep £10 extra credit on just in case.
Last night, DH ran me as he's working away and asked me to top it up for him (he's completely technophobic).Normally I'd just log into the app on my phone but I was sitting at the computer at the time so I logged onto his online phone account to do it from there.

Right there, on the front page, it gave the top 5 numbers he calls with the number of hours associated with each number. One number he'd spoken to for 364 hours over the course of a month! Checking further (of course) he'd also sent 13 MMS to the same number meaning he's sending picture messages too.

Now he does use his phone a lot if he has to speak to clients and there are some clients he calls regularly but looking at the other calls, none of them are more than 10 hours across the whole month.

So, I went to his phone contacts list and lo and behold, here's the number assigned to some woman who I've never heard of.

I want to confront him but neither do I want to look stupid. He's never given me any reason to think he's messing about. Except perhaps he doesn't call me every day like he used to. Sometimes he goes two or three days without a call. This is the only change in his behaviour but thought it was on the back of me saying he needn't feel obliged to call every night.

Question is, do I call this number? Or do I ask him outright? Do I let it ride and see if he continues to call her?

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people who say “oh, if my DH suspected me of having an affair of course I’d understand that he had to snoop through my phone, change contact details to his own to try to catch me out, send texts from what I thought would be the OM to try and see what I was up to so he could be sure I was innocent.” As opposed to, you know, having a discussion about the behaviour he thought might have changed or the evidence which led him to the belief in the first place?

Bollocks would you be happy with that if you’d done nothing wrong. All this game playing has a term - it’s called gaslighting. My H sent me messages from a random number I’d never seen before saying “hi, this is my new number, xxx” except he made the mistake of not putting the name of the person he thought I was having the affair with on it. So I mentioned to him that I’d had this odd text message. Still didn’t say anything. The person he thought I was shagging was a male friend who I had communication with as they were going through a hard time. I told him about it, he was suspicious.

Seven years on I still change my passwords regularly, still wonder sometimes whether even this house could be bugged somehow. Changed my computer when I moved here because I suspect he had a keylogger on the last one. The list is endless, and all this because he suspected I was having an affair and mn’ers would have told him that he had every right to snoop and that the innocent party should just put up and be understanding? I don’t think so.

It’s completely understandable that the OP has been thrown by discovering that there are a large number of hours on her partner’s phone bill which she didn’t know about. But the way to address that is to confront, not to play games to try to catch them out. Because if it’s innocent then he would be quite within his rights to leave the marriage over it. And given the trust has now gone there is surely no coming back from this anyway? So what is all this game playing going to achieve?

I really don't think you should have pissed about with the number like that but if that's what you felt you had to do then so be it. I hope it's nothing.

It’s completely understandable that the OP has been thrown by discovering that there are a large number of hours on her partner’s phone bill which she didn’t know about. But the way to address that is to confront, not to play games to try to catch them out. Because if it’s innocent then he would be quite within his rights to leave the marriage over it. And given the trust has now gone there is surely no coming back from this anyway? So what is all this game playing going to achieve?

I agree.

If there is no affair then the OP has potentially fucked up the marriage all by herself.

And if this was my wife and she did what the OP has done, she'd be out the door.

Lover.

I absolutely would not care. Trust is a stupid thing, I simply don't have it. I think as a couple you have to work hard to ensure you keep your relationship safe from other people. My DH is another human being, he was a person in his own right when we met, whilst we're together and should we ever be apart. If he felt there was good reason to look on my phone or whatever I wouldn't care, we have each others phones and emails all the time. There's simply no secrecy. So it wound't really be snooping.

I can believe he would ask her Top it up. He didn't know that topping up allowed her a way to view his messages/contacts/dialled numbers!!

I know some technophobes he still don't understand how emails can be sent from different devices using the same account! People with this level of technology-naivety do still exist

therealposieparker yep, used to say exactly the same. My h had all my passwords, knew my pin for my phone in fact he set it up for me. never had any reason to keep it from him because I didn’t have anything to hide.

And I used to say that it wouldn’t bother me if my DH went through my phone, but if he did I would wonder why he’d felt the need.

Let’s put this another way. You’re presumably an upstanding citizen? Abide by the law? Don’t have anything to hide in terms of legal wrong-doing? Do you therefore think that the snooper’s charter is a good thing? That if the police came to the belief that you were complicit in a crime which you weren’t they should be able to snoop randomly into your life to gather evidence? Listen in to your phone calls? Intercept your emails? Look through your computer logs and text messages?

I've been with my husband for 20 years. I don't think you can tell me what I think or feel about my very long and happy relationship and the boundaries we do or do not have.

We are not talking about the snoopers charter.... that's a bit weird.

We are not talking about the snoopers charter.... that's a bit weird. changing a contact’s number in their phone contacts to your own, sending messages to gaslight them is much weirder.

And to be blunt, unless you have actually been violated in that way by your partner you can’t possibly know how you would feel.

She has not sent any messages.

And how do you know? How do you know whether my husband has checked up on me or me on him?

So to be blunt, this is MN, the OP asked for opinions, I have given mine, I couldn't give a shiny shit what you think of it..... HTH

There have been enough threads on MN over the years from posters who have discovered that their partners are e.g. videoing their every move in the house while they’re out, or recording them without their knowledge, or have put keyloggers on their computers. And the advice has never been “well, if he has reason to suspect you of something he obviously has the right to snoop into your life to make sure you’re innocent. If you’re innocent you have nothing to fear.” The advice is always “he’s a controlling bastard, get rid and get the computer down to a specialist to be stripped of anything he’s put on it.” without fail

I certainly don’t necessarily think that the OP is controlling. But the advice she is being given here is the same as behaviours that would be described as controlling and abusive when coming unexpectedly from the other side.

And to be blunt, unless you have actually been violated in that way by your partner you can’t possibly know how you would feel.

I think it's hard to imagine just how insane the not knowing drives you until you've been there, so all the judgey people should perhaps have a think about walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

And I say that as someone who has reservations about the tactics OP has used

I think the "judgey people" are only looking out for the OP, they don't want her to get into serious trouble.

lover but the OP is not your ex. She didn’t install cameras, she hasn’t installed a keylogger. Until a very, very short time ago she trusted her husband. She has come across something, by accident, not through snooping that is causing her distress and to wonder whether the life she is living is a lie. I haven’t been you, but I have been where the OP is.

I don’t agree with everything she has done, but I have empathy for her. It is hell not knowing. So perhaps a little kindness and hand holding wouldn’t go amiss.

You sound very, very judging.

Hope this works out OP. So hard to know what to do, but on balance I'd need to investigate too

I'm not sure of OP's tactics at all but the posters suggesting she just ask her DH (without conclusive proof)are very naive. Cheaters are accomplished liars. Very few will admit what they are doing, if you just ask them. All it does is give them the opportunity to gaslight you and destroy evidence.

It’s not the OP I judge. It’s the people who have advised the OP to take the steps she has taken and because of the fact the OP is upset and has posted here in the heat of just having found the call logs she has taken that advice on board.

Prior to being told to send anonymous texts and to change numbers etc the OP said that she had found the details of the woman’s name etc and where she lived etc. All perfectly understandable if faced with several calls and texts to an unknown number. In that event she could easily still have the conversation with her dh along the lines of that she’d logged in to top up his credit but as she did it on the computer all these calls came up on the front screen and wtf is that all about? Even down to saying that she’d looked up the number and found out who it belongs to and they could still have a conversation if it’s innocent.

But if the OP changes numbers and contacts and starts sending messages all of which she has been advised to do on here, and plenty of other people have advised that it’s a bad idea, and the husband feels that it’s a violation and walks out on the marriage as a result, then the OP is going to be faced with having done something on the advice of others which has ended her marriage for the wrong reasons and the posters advising her to do so aren’t very likely to be sticking around to say “oh sorry OP, I was wrong,” are they?

People are accountable for the advice they give especially when that advice has the potential for disasterous consequences which they don’t have to bear the brunt of.

Maybe mumpoints but there are ways and means of doing that, and coming across as super-smug in an I'd-never-do-that-I'm-so-happily-married way is perhaps not the kindest

I hope it's innocent but think you are right to get your ducks in a row before doing anything else

I agree with you LoverOfCake.

LoverofCake - how can people on an internet forum be expected to be accountable for the advice that they give? seriously what an odd thing to say. people give advice based on their experiences, their background, where they live, what their own relationships are like etc. Because of this, you are never going to get unanimity - except on something glaringly obvious.

in this case people have given the most appropriate and best advice that they can based on THEIR experiences. Like everything in life their will be extremes. if you asked everyone what they weighed for example it would be a curve wouldn't it. same with asking advice. at one end there are the "ignore it, it must be a customer" and at the other end there are the "LTB he is guilty" The Op is an intelligent adult and should be given credit for knowing its a spectrum of opinion and plumping for the middle.

Just because someone on here advises it doesn't mean you have to do it does it?

give the OP a bit more credit. yes she is upset but she isn't mad.

Could you text him from your work phone and see what he comes back with? Even if it’s just “hi”?

I’m not entering into whether or not this is morally ok, but it would give you an answer

Threads like this one make me wonder about the advantages vs the disadvantages of technology like cell phones/smart phones. They add so much convenience and safety to our lives. However, they also enable a kind of secrecy that was not possible when one had to use the land line or sneak out to a pay phone.

That secrecy can breed paranoid and snooping and spying, a bad thing. But they can also help us find the truth about ugly secrets, which can be a good thing.

A double edged sword indeed.

You've clearly got more sense than me OP, I doubt I'd be able to think straight.
I really hope it isn't what it appears to be.

By meddling with DH's phone you're relying on him being too stupid to be suspicious. Even if you think he is stupid, taking the chance doesn't seem like a very clever way to investigate.

Also what you've done is almost surely a violation of the Computer Misuse Act 1990. Although I think you're very unlikely to be prosecuted, it might (or might not) affect the admissibility of evidence in any divorce or custody proceedings.

At the moment you know DH is calling and texting an unusual amount to a woman you don't know. You want to know who she is, what they're saying, and why they're saying it. IMHO the best way to establish that would have been to ask to borrow his phone when he returns. If DH wouldn't normally be secretive about his phone then you could just say such-and-such app wasn't working on your phone and could you try it on his, or some similar excuse.

I don’t blame you for being suspicious. I really hope it isn’t what you think.