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DH has hours of calls logged to a number I don't recognise

999 replies

livingontheedgeee · 29/01/2018 18:22

So, we use a phone provider where you pay for a monthly contract then need to add credit for things like calling overseas, dialling non-standard numbers etc. Normally DH and I keep £10 extra credit on just in case.
Last night, DH ran me as he's working away and asked me to top it up for him (he's completely technophobic).Normally I'd just log into the app on my phone but I was sitting at the computer at the time so I logged onto his online phone account to do it from there.

Right there, on the front page, it gave the top 5 numbers he calls with the number of hours associated with each number. One number he'd spoken to for 364 hours over the course of a month! Checking further (of course) he'd also sent 13 MMS to the same number meaning he's sending picture messages too.

Now he does use his phone a lot if he has to speak to clients and there are some clients he calls regularly but looking at the other calls, none of them are more than 10 hours across the whole month.

So, I went to his phone contacts list and lo and behold, here's the number assigned to some woman who I've never heard of.

I want to confront him but neither do I want to look stupid. He's never given me any reason to think he's messing about. Except perhaps he doesn't call me every day like he used to. Sometimes he goes two or three days without a call. This is the only change in his behaviour but thought it was on the back of me saying he needn't feel obliged to call every night.

Question is, do I call this number? Or do I ask him outright? Do I let it ride and see if he continues to call her?

OP posts:
Usernumbers1234 · 30/01/2018 13:54

Hearts - thats a Microsoft thing on this particular phone. But if you have your contacts on any phone shared with the cloud then you can access and amend them on any computer you are logged into with the same account as is attached to the phone.

Mmgarish that’s the most rubbish idea in a thread of many rubbish ideas.

LoverOfCake · 30/01/2018 13:55

”I guarantee those that are saying ‘just ask’ haven’t been cheated on before. A cheater learns to become a very proficient liar very quickly. I hope there is an innocent explanation!” or perhaps he’ll say that there’s nothing in it because there isn’t.

Have been on the other side of this. Accused of cheating with a particular person. I wasn’t. My explanation wasn’t good enough so he resorted to snooping. Hacked into everything, phone, social media, had me followed, bugged the house, everything.

Guess what? He’s now my ex. Not because I was having an affair but because his mistrust pushed me further away than I already was.

For those that say the OP has the right to snoop, no she doesn’t. All this “get your evidence and get your ducks in a row,” err no. Either you trust him, in which case you ask the question and trust what he says. Or you don’t, in which case you end the relationship. Getting more evidence isn’t going to change anything. If he’s having an affair then he’s having an affair. Knowing more or less of the details doesn’t change that. You don’t need proof that he’s having an affair to end the relationship if it’s already broken. And the fact that you feel the need to play games shows that it’s already broken. After all, if it’s innocent and he finds out the lengths the OP has gone to then he would be well within his rights to end the marriage and OP would be responsible for the marriage ending.

HuskyMcClusky · 30/01/2018 13:56

Not the point of the thread, but can someone please explain how you can remotely change contact details in someone’s phone by using a computer???

I, too, am fascinated by this.

PipGirl404 · 30/01/2018 13:56

The only problem with that @mmgirish is if in the bizarre circumstance it IS a really difficult client of his - it's going to look a bit silly and unprofessional when he has to explain actually he didn't break his phone his wife decided to snoop, IYKWIM?

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 13:56

Be careful not to get into the realms of harassment OP. If this is something awful and it goes to court, it could cause unnecessary trouble if the other parties want to make it awkward for you.

NancyDonahue · 30/01/2018 13:58

If you type her name into 192.com you can see other occupants of her household (husband, partner, adult children etc) and then could search for them on facebook and see if their profile throws up any clues.

Lashalicious · 30/01/2018 13:59

Op, any way to look at his emails on your desktop computer? If he has a business relationship with this woman, there will likely be an email detailing the work he’s doing for her, estimates, etc. Hopefully it is all innocent but trust yourself based on the fact that you know your husband, and that 151 text messages in a month to another woman and him calling her x6 the amount he’s calling other clients and his wife is a solid red flag.

Also, op wants to know now so is taking steps to find out the content of the texts, I think that is justified. If she can wait until he gets home, so that she can ask him, that’s fine too except that after being asked in an open manner by op, he can then walk into another room and immediately delete everything and there’s nothing she can do about it. I think op would like to know what is going on and she wants to know what the texts are.

Ginger1982 · 30/01/2018 13:59

I hope this all turns out to be innocent!

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 14:00

I know a women who had an affair and her dh took her phone and looked at her messages.

He was arrested for cooercive and controlling behaviour.

You really can’t just hack into another adults phone. It’s not a soap opera

ButteredScone · 30/01/2018 14:00

OP, be careful. Do not do anything that could constitute harassment. And don’t send texts pretending to be her.

PipGirl404 · 30/01/2018 14:04

@LoverOfCake life isn't that black and white. It's not just a case of leaving if you don't trust them or staying if you do. I trust my current partner 100% but if for some reason I saw his phone records and he was sending an odd amount of texts/calls/pictures to someone neither of us knew, I'd be somewhat suspicious and would like to investigate a little.

People with the capability to cheat can spin some pretty amazing lies. Whereas, if you ask them about it face to face it gives little in the way of time to start thinking up lies and ways of covering your tracks. If she catches him off guard with a list of information she's gathered it'll give her a bit more peace of mind that whatever comes out of his mouth is likely the truth.

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 14:04

lash my friend thought he was justified too but the police thought differently.

You can’t just do what you like with another persons phone or emails. It’s not a game it can have very serious concequences

blueskyinmarch · 30/01/2018 14:06

How awful. I hope you get some answers soon OP.

TandemBanana · 30/01/2018 14:07

OP you have definitely crossed a line here. I appreciate how distressed you must be, but that does not justify what you are doing.

doowapwap · 30/01/2018 14:09

How can you change numbers/names in his phone remotely through your computer?

JaneEyre70 · 30/01/2018 14:11

I can't say I'm overly comfortable with what you are doing OP. You don't actually have any evidence of an affair as yet, it's all just supposition from phone numbers. You could be ballsing up a major client here that could impact his work and professional reputation....... Just be prepared that he may be very very angry if he finds what you have done and it is for no reason.

GertieMotherwell · 30/01/2018 14:11

It’s a Microsoft Phone

PasDeDeux · 30/01/2018 14:11

What an awful situation OP Flowers
Hoping for an innocent outcome for you.

barbitarojo · 30/01/2018 14:11

I think op is completely within her rights as his wife to snoop if she has a solid reason to believe that he is having an affair.
Should she just sit back and let him carry on?

livingontheedgeee · 30/01/2018 14:11

If I find out concrete evidence of anything untoward, I won't be interested in what he has to say and certainly won't divulge how I found out. I won't play any games. It will be cut and dried for me.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 30/01/2018 14:11

right now the most serious consequence of all of this, as far as the OP is concerned, is going to be that her OH has cheated on her. sorry but I think she is justified in doing this. the trouble is that people imagine that they so smart that they can have an affair and not get caught. also people have no idea how the technology that you own or that your partner owns is or can be linked. Whether what she is done is legal or not is not something an internet forum can decide. I would argue that he gave direct consent for her to access his phone and everything on it when he asked her to top up his credit. he didn't tell her not to look at his messages and he didn't tell her not to look at his phone book. had he have done this then yes, there might be an issue. but he didn't. if you give someone your phone number and your passwords then by implication you are giving them access to everything on it.

Gaelach · 30/01/2018 14:12

Admiring how calm you seem to be OP, I'd be rushing in all guns blazing without knowing even half the facts.

CheeseandFickles · 30/01/2018 14:13

How can you change numbers/names in his phone remotely through your computer?

I'd like to know this too. Also, if this is possible, can OP also access other things remotely in order to do more digging?

hungryhippo90 · 30/01/2018 14:13

If you can change numbers- why don’t you change that woman’s phone number to yours?
If he texts her it will go to you, that’s probably the most conclusive evidence you could get.

TandemBanana · 30/01/2018 14:14

Well fingers crossed that this is something innocent and OP can put everything back that way it was before her DP finds out.

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