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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH has hours of calls logged to a number I don't recognise

999 replies

livingontheedgeee · 29/01/2018 18:22

So, we use a phone provider where you pay for a monthly contract then need to add credit for things like calling overseas, dialling non-standard numbers etc. Normally DH and I keep £10 extra credit on just in case.
Last night, DH ran me as he's working away and asked me to top it up for him (he's completely technophobic).Normally I'd just log into the app on my phone but I was sitting at the computer at the time so I logged onto his online phone account to do it from there.

Right there, on the front page, it gave the top 5 numbers he calls with the number of hours associated with each number. One number he'd spoken to for 364 hours over the course of a month! Checking further (of course) he'd also sent 13 MMS to the same number meaning he's sending picture messages too.

Now he does use his phone a lot if he has to speak to clients and there are some clients he calls regularly but looking at the other calls, none of them are more than 10 hours across the whole month.

So, I went to his phone contacts list and lo and behold, here's the number assigned to some woman who I've never heard of.

I want to confront him but neither do I want to look stupid. He's never given me any reason to think he's messing about. Except perhaps he doesn't call me every day like he used to. Sometimes he goes two or three days without a call. This is the only change in his behaviour but thought it was on the back of me saying he needn't feel obliged to call every night.

Question is, do I call this number? Or do I ask him outright? Do I let it ride and see if he continues to call her?

OP posts:
mummymeister · 30/01/2018 14:14

hungryhippo - that is what she has done. have a look at the thread. she has changed the womans number to her work phone number so that if he contacts her first it wont be her he is texting but the OP.

Davespecifico · 30/01/2018 14:15

I wouldn’t mess with the numbers. Play the long game. Keep cards close to you chest and start planning financially etc in case you need to split.

Booagain · 30/01/2018 14:16

Oh sorry OP, this is a horrible situation. Really hope you can get to the bottom of it and it’s innocent.

FallenAngel89 · 30/01/2018 14:17

I think Op is being quite sensible and calm, I don't think I would be able to be in her shoes Hmm I'd probably flip my shit and then think afterwards. Hope it's nothing but if it is give him hell Wine

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 14:17

mummy that’s true but changing contact numbers is dodgy.

I have every possible sympathy with the op but I do think she’s going about this is the wrong way.

therealposieparker · 30/01/2018 14:21

Hey Op. It doesn't look good. I disagree with other posters about causing an issue re. the number change. If I had done that my DH would understand that I wanted to be sure before I accused him, so he wouldn't mind me playing detective. If its nothing untoward and your DH is a technophobe you can just pretend you've not done a thing and its a glitch.

DogsDoodahs · 30/01/2018 14:25

You’re doing very well op.

hungryhippo90 · 30/01/2018 14:28

Ah I’ve seen that’s what you’ve done, OP, I cannot believe the amount of people who are saying it could be normal that he’s spoken to a client for 6 hours in a month and sent 131 messages to- and 13 MMS.

My husband worked as a builder, he has never spent 6 hours on the phone to any of his clients, not ever. I’m not trying to say he must be guilty, but being around all different trades I have never known any to be making calls to clients at home 9pm of an evening.

You know him, and his ways, but it seems dodgy to me, but maybe he is the complete opposite of DH who doesn’t really like to send texts and much prefers calls, which will be longer but probably quite infrequent.

RampantRegina · 30/01/2018 14:33

loverofcake - I think you are being hugely simplistic to say trust him and stay, or leave him if you’re not sure (and it’s then the OP’s fault if the relationship breaks down?!)

Her situation isn’t the same as yours. You were falsely accused by a partner who clearly had major trust issues. What he did to you sounds borderline abusive. OP hasn’t gone snooping, or looking for this. Doing a favour for her DH, at his request has resulted in the OP having to confront a large number of calls/ texts/ picture messages to a woman she has never heard of, and her DH hasn’t mentioned as a client . I trust and love my partner but this would alarm me. And I know of several women who had no suspicions whatsoever of anything untoward in their relationship until some evidence ‘fell’ into their lap. (For example, someone told them their DH had been seen with OW).

Hope you are OK OP. Xx

2017RedBlue · 30/01/2018 14:33

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

twotired · 30/01/2018 14:35

Sorry you are in this situation OP, but genius idea to change the number. I hope it is entirely innocent and he doesn't figure it out beforehand as that will make it a bit awkward.

Heliophilous · 30/01/2018 14:39

I can't see how changing the number under a name will work. Your husband will just go to the thread where he has been messaging this woman if he wants to send her a text, and replies to that thread will go to the original number (her number) not yours - plus the name on the thread will disappear if you have removed her number from his contacts so he will know that something is up. It can only work if he starts a new thread but it seems quite unlikely he would do that if she is a frequent contact. The thread will be near the top of the list - easier just to click on it.

Inertia · 30/01/2018 14:39

How long is it until he comes home?

As you say he’s a technophobe, I wondered whether it’s worth waiting until he comes home with his phone, then telling him that there were a few technical problems with the remote top-up this time, and you need his phone to check the phone settings/ update to the latest version of the app on the phone itself so that it can be done correctly next time.

Mummyontherun86 · 30/01/2018 14:41

I am so hoping you get an innocent message about the detail of tiles or something.

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 14:43

Heliophilous I agree. Surely no one would start a new thread each time they texted someone. Maybe they would go to "contacts" to ring to speak to them, but that would not be of help as OP can't answer. If he does ring and it goes to message, he'll hear a different a, or no, answerphone message and think he has the wrong number.

SeamusMacDubh · 30/01/2018 14:45

To start a new message thread, OP could send a blank message under the other woman's name and that would open a new message thread/conversation.

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 14:45

I agree it’s far more likely that he will be alerted and start deleting any evidence if indeed he is up to no good.

Kitsharrington · 30/01/2018 14:47

I don't know... I'm pretty engaged with my builder. If he's on a job for me there are countless messages going back and forth every day. I speak to him more than I speak to my husband some days! And sending picture messages isn't that odd if he's also buying things for her, like tiles, fittings, etc. I hope it all turns out to be innocent OP.

Hotpinkangel19 · 30/01/2018 14:53

Hope it's just a work contact OP.

happystrummer · 30/01/2018 14:56

support.apple.com/en-gb/HT205754

its entirely possible to change contact details on a laptop and then it updates on all devices via a cloud

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 30/01/2018 14:57

Just read through this and I feel totally sick for you. Even if it turns out to be innocent, the last 24 hours for you must have been horrific. Hoping it turns out ok for you - sending love and support.

VitasPlack · 30/01/2018 14:58

I think it's a brilliant idea pp. Good luck

mummymeister · 30/01/2018 15:03

happystrummer. don't have an apple so might be a daft question but does it say anything on there about not doing this if its not your phone? just a point raised by some other posters that the OP is doing something illegal/not strictly by the book.

I didn't know about this and I suspect quite a lot of other posters on here didn't either. makes you think about how much information you put out there and how confidential it is.

IndigoMoonFlower · 30/01/2018 15:04

RE I know a women who had an affair and her dh took her phone and looked at her messages. He was arrested for cooercive and controlling behaviour.

I know a woman ( a friend) who hacked into her husband's iphone and discovered he was viewing porn and chatting to other women. She got all the proof and left him because this had been a problem in the past, which he had convinced her he was not doing anymore.

I don't see why someone looking at someone else's phone would get them arrested, there had to have been some actual "behaviour" going on. You can't argue with facts, so I guess the man who got arrested actually was cooercive and controlling.

If it was me, I would look.

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 15:07

www.theguardian.com/media/2009/jul/08/ripa-phone-hacking-law

If it is classed as intercepting phonecalls, it is illegal.