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Original poster

DH has hours of calls logged to a number I don't recognise

999 replies

livingontheedgeee · 29/01/2018 18:22

So, we use a phone provider where you pay for a monthly contract then need to add credit for things like calling overseas, dialling non-standard numbers etc. Normally DH and I keep £10 extra credit on just in case.
Last night, DH ran me as he's working away and asked me to top it up for him (he's completely technophobic).Normally I'd just log into the app on my phone but I was sitting at the computer at the time so I logged onto his online phone account to do it from there.

Right there, on the front page, it gave the top 5 numbers he calls with the number of hours associated with each number. One number he'd spoken to for 364 hours over the course of a month! Checking further (of course) he'd also sent 13 MMS to the same number meaning he's sending picture messages too.

Now he does use his phone a lot if he has to speak to clients and there are some clients he calls regularly but looking at the other calls, none of them are more than 10 hours across the whole month.

So, I went to his phone contacts list and lo and behold, here's the number assigned to some woman who I've never heard of.

I want to confront him but neither do I want to look stupid. He's never given me any reason to think he's messing about. Except perhaps he doesn't call me every day like he used to. Sometimes he goes two or three days without a call. This is the only change in his behaviour but thought it was on the back of me saying he needn't feel obliged to call every night.

Question is, do I call this number? Or do I ask him outright? Do I let it ride and see if he continues to call her?

OP posts:
lookingforthecorkscrew · 30/01/2018 13:28

I wouldn’t play games. I’d ask him outright.

Usernumbers1234 · 30/01/2018 13:29

Foxy, obviously that’s possible, but it’s a useful bit of information nonetheless.

It’s probably a moot point anyway, OP seems a pretty reasonable person in this and she’s seen a picture of the possible OW so I think we can all assume its possible and we aren’t dealing with a situation where OP is convinced her Tom Hardy lookalike partner is having it away without dorian from birds of a feather.

Usernumbers1234 · 30/01/2018 13:29

With Dorian... not without her....

Lashalicious · 30/01/2018 13:31

She can’t ask him right now because he is out of town on a trip, and if she asks him over the phone it will be hard or impossible to gauge his reaction.

Op is understandably anxious and wants to know what’s going on now as we all would in her situation.

Logically, the evidence points to him cheating. He could be innocent, but it points in the other direction. And someone who will cheat will lie and has already lied. Which means if she just asks him, odds are that he will lie.

So, unfortunately, calling him on the phone and asking merrily, “hey I’m probably daft and crazy and stupid, but who is this woman on our bill?” Will probably not give her any really useful information. Odds are, he will deny or lie to buy time. And, unfortunately, sometimes you have to be smart and find out for yourself what is going on. I think op is doing the right thing. What she’s found out so far warrants digging into this in secret so that he can’t cover up the evidence by deleting everything.

The op looking into it secretly (justifiably) does not mean she’s the horrible person and the likely cheater the upstanding nobleman. If I were her husband and my wife didn’t bother looking into it when confronted with evidence that I might be cheating, I would think she was stupid or didn’t care or worse, one of those people who like to stick their head in the sand.

If I were innocent, I would understand that it looked suspicious and wouldn’t blame her for looking into it. Now, if the op had a pattern of being jealous or paranoid or suspicious over nothing all the time? That would be different. But there is absolutely nothing in op’s posts that would indicate that scenario.

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 13:31

Er I am 54 and dam hot thankyou very much. Are difference means jack shit.

MotherofTerriers · 30/01/2018 13:32

I'd hold your nerve I think - all it needs is a text from him and you'll know. You can easily change it back if its all innocent, and potentially this does less damage than confronting him - if its innocent.
If he notices (and its innocent) you can always say that you did the top up on your computer rather than phone and it seems to have messed the settings up

whiskyowl · 30/01/2018 13:34

I agree.

Always get the evidence first. Get your ducks in a line, then move.

Mess this up and you get to live with terrible uncertainty, long term. A bit of patience is worth it.

rocketgirl22 · 30/01/2018 13:34

Keep an open mind op. It might be something completely innocent.

Usernumbers1234 · 30/01/2018 13:35

Logically the evidence points to a man making 6 hours of phone calls in a month to someone who might be a 53 year old woman.

He’s a building contractor who phones clients.

Logically there are things that need further explanation. But logically this doesn’t say “cheating” it’s not a pair of not OPs knickers in the marital bed.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/01/2018 13:36

I don’t think I’d have had the nerve to do this op. I hope it gives you some answers though

TandemBanana · 30/01/2018 13:36

OP is justified in wanting to know what is going on - but if it is innocent then her partner would be completely within his rights to go apeshit because she has been messing around with his phone contacts and spying on him.
She is only justified in doing this if he is playing away, if he isn't she is could be damaging their relationship. Which is why people are telling her to be cautious.

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 13:36

Lash

No one has said confront him over the phone! Always in person. It’s very very hard to come up with a story on the spot and most partners know when the other is lying.

Playing games with phones like this could be very dodgy if the partner is innocent or guilty.

If innocent it’s risking his professional career and his marriage and if he’s guilty it may warn him and he will then delete all the evidence.

A simple question face to face will tell her all she needs to know. If he’s innocent he will have a credible story and credible texts and messages if he’s not then he won’t show her his phone and bluster.

She will know

BakerBear · 30/01/2018 13:37

I hope she doesnt text him first

wishful2012 · 30/01/2018 13:39

Sorry op this happened to me last week...so still very raw, he's helping a very young attractive friend get over a hard time 🤔 I let on to soon,wish I had all this advise xx

Usernumbers1234 · 30/01/2018 13:39

Yeah that’s the key here.

OP is entirely entitled to snoop at the moment. But that should be getting previous phone bills and putting together info that will help her assess his response when she does ask the question.

Changing the numbers to try and entrap a mistake is a step too far imo and he would be justifiably angry with that. Snooping with reasonable suspicion is fine and that’s what she’s doing, I just don’t think there is (yet) enough of a smoking gun to start trying to entrap anyone when it could backfire.

Tiredofallthisnow · 30/01/2018 13:42

You should be careful, he might have had a notification that one of his contacts details has been amended.

PipGirl404 · 30/01/2018 13:47

Shamelessly commenting to follow this thread.

No advice, OP, but with any luck it's innocent... doesn't look much like it though! Burn him. Wine

Motoko · 30/01/2018 13:47

OP is entirely entitled to snoop at the moment. But that should be getting previous phone bills and putting together info that will help her assess his response when she does ask the question.

Changing the numbers to try and entrap a mistake is a step too far imo and he would be justifiably angry with that. Snooping with reasonable suspicion is fine and that’s what she’s doing, I just don’t think there is (yet) enough of a smoking gun to start trying to entrap anyone when it could backfire.

This. I completely agree. I think OP should change the number back, she's in danger of showing her hand before she's ready.

OP, have you looked at previous phone records?
Have you taken copies of all the financial papers?
Have you googled this woman? Does her Facebook say what her job is? If it does, could it be connected with your husband's job?

RoseWhiteTips · 30/01/2018 13:48

Vaping can result in cancer too. But it’s your call.

RoseWhiteTips · 30/01/2018 13:49

Sorry. Wrong thread

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/01/2018 13:50

Not the point of the thread, but can someone please explain how you can remotely change contact details in someone’s phone by using a computer???

mmgirish · 30/01/2018 13:52

Why don't you text her from your work mobile and say 'Hi, it's (your husband's name) this is my new number. I broke my phone' and then see what she says?

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 13:53

wishful Flowers hope you are ok? It’s never too late to post for advice here xx

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 13:54

HeartsTrumpDiamonds I'm presuming it's a bit like the cloud, all information is in two places and can be accessed and changed from computer or phone.

Cuppaoftea · 30/01/2018 13:54

Op's DH works away, isn’t due home in the immediate future. What else can she do but use the technology to get to the truth in these circumstances, I'm with Lash on that.

For you OpFlowers